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Rehearsal Dinner. . . multiple questions, sorry

kaos16kaos16 member
Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Here's the deal:

Me and my fiance are paying for our entire wedding and associated activities, with contributions here and there from our gracious parents.  The wedding itself is going to be a typical NY/Long Island wedding with more food than we could possibly need.  We decided that we want something much, much more lowkey for the RH.  We are having a local BBQ restaurant cater it for us.  With us, wedding party, their spouses and our parents we are looking at about 22 people.  Now, for my questions. . . .sorry in advance:

1.  My 18 year old cousin is a BM, is it appropriate to invite her, but not her parents who live nearby.  We weren't planning to invite any other aunts and uncles?

2. We are having no children at the wedding. . . . which as many of you have experienced, has caused some issues with a few guests.  What are your thoughts on letting my sister, also a BM bring her 2 young children to the RH even though they aren't invited to the wedding?  I just think getting a sitter 2 days in a row could be a lot, and frankly I like spending time with them, we just don't personally want kids running around at the wedding, a casual BBQ would be much more kid friendly.

3.  My parents very nicely offered their home and yard for the RH dinner, which is about 20-25 minutes from the venue.  Our ceremony will likely be about 15 minutes long, at the reception site, nothing too detailed.  Is it ok to expect people to travel from the venue to dinner 20-25 minutes away?  In the alternative, has anyone ever heard of, or have thoughts on, pulling up pictures of the venue and maybe marking up on the lawn the size and layout, then just showing people where they'd walk and stand on a mock-up?  I'm just hoping to make things convenient for everyone.

Thanks!
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Re: Rehearsal Dinner. . . multiple questions, sorry

  • Stackeye210Stackeye210 member
    5000 Comments
    1.  Does she drive and have her own car?  If yes to both then I think you would be ok just inviting her.

    2.  I think this would be just fine, RD are a more intimate affair, your sister is well aware of the policy but it also lets the kids kind of experience the vibe w/o going to the wedding. 

    3.  I think that it would be ok for your wedding party to travel that distance for the RD.  However, if you are comfortable just rehearsing at your parents home then I say go for it.  It could be fun and honestly if they're just walking in it's more of a thing with who walks with who and at what poit in what song.  They can find their way to the alter I'm sure.  I would base your decision on how you think any kids involved in the ceremony would handle that.  Do you have flower girls/ring bearers?  I knwo you say it's no kids so if that means in your ceremony as well I think you'd be just fine to have a fun backyard bbq rehearsal..
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited August 2012
    1.  Absoluitely fine to only invite your cousin BM without her parents.

    2.  Yes, the cardinal rule of etiquette is anyone invited to  the RD must be invited to the wedding.  I think it is very courteous of you to be thinking about childcare expenses your sister will incur.  I would let them come.  I think you can get away with the with small children in your circumstance.

    3.  Your travel time is perfectly acceptable.

    Good luck!

    ETA (due to my reading fail) - it would be just fine to rehearse at your parents house.  Lots of people do weddings with no rehearsal.  You are just practicing the walk through so it would be fine.
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  • Meegles4Meegles4 member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited August 2012
    1. I think that's OK. She's 18, and thus an adult. If you're truly keeping it to WP members, her parents would/should understand and if they don't, oh well.

    2. Typically you don't want people at pre-wedding parties who aren't invited to the wedding, but if your sister asks, I think it's OK to have the kids at the RD. As long as she understands the wedding portion, and isn't going to be a pill about that.

    3. I think the 20 minute travel time is OK, but I live in a sprawled city where 20 minutes is the norm, if not "quick". If you didn't want guests to travel, or their travel time from their homes to the ceremony site/RD is long, then you could certainly set up the rehearsal at your parent's house. They really just need to understand how to walk in, stand around, and walk out. It's not hard :-)
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  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    Some missed points on my part..... My BM cousin does drive and lives 5 minutes away. There are no children in the wedding party, no flower girl or ring bearer. My niece and nephew are 4 and 6 respectively. In addition, is it ok to not invite out of town guests? None of them or their spouses are in the wedding party.
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  • hoffsehoffse member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    It's fine not to invite the out-of-towners.  We are, but that's because the wedding/rehearsal is going to be in my hometown, which is about 2 hours from the nearest international airport, and we have people flying in from Beligum and California to Georgia.  It's so far, that we feel like we should host them the night before, but even then it's not necessary.  I think everything about your plan sounds great.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    100 Comments
    edited August 2012
    Oh wow. Your sister agreed to not having her children (your nieces/nephews) at your wedding? Wow.
    We are having an "adult only" event too, but our 5 nieces & nephews are important people in our lives so they are coming (along with our children).  I'd never even think to ask my sisters to not bring their children.  Bless your sister's heart.
    I know it's YOUR wedding & it's your call, but wow!


    (I know this had nothing to do with your post, but I am just shocked.)
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  • loca4pookloca4pook member
    1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-multiple-questions-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:43d9fbce-8294-4693-8210-0c1c1a1a04b9Post:b6eec886-b302-4fcd-b175-d234620b2715">Re: Rehearsal Dinner. . . multiple questions, sorry</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh wow. Your sister agreed to not having her children (your nieces/nephews) at your wedding? Wow. We are having an "adult only" event too, but our 5 nieces & nephews are important people in our lives so they are coming (along with our children).  I'd never even think to ask my sisters to not bring their children.  Bless your sister's heart. I know it's YOUR wedding & it's your call, but wow! (I know this had nothing to do with your post, but I am just shocked.)
    Posted by cvmami78[/QUOTE]

    Me too. I can't imagine not having my nieces at my wedding, or my fiances nieces/nephews....I love kids at weddings. They make it even happier and fun, IMO.

    Was there a reason you didn't use them as ring bearer and flower girl?
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  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-multiple-questions-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:43d9fbce-8294-4693-8210-0c1c1a1a04b9Post:bcb00a61-b5b2-4a4c-9671-903fc8abd982">Re: Rehearsal Dinner. . . multiple questions, sorry</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner. . . multiple questions, sorry : Me too. I can't imagine not having my nieces at my wedding, or my fiances nieces/nephews....I love kids at weddings. They make it even happier and fun, IMO. Was there a reason you didn't use them as ring bearer and flower girl?
    Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]

    We are having a pretty quick ceremony out on the water, not a church service.  It seemed unnecessary to have additional attendants.  Further, my niece and nephew tend not to be very well behaved children a lot of the time.

    As for those who apparently disagree with my decision not to have my niece and nephew at the wedding. . . . . I also love children, however I feel that there are places that are great for kids, and some that are not.  I personally, do not feel that weddings are a good place for them.  Last week I was at a wedding where children cried through the ceremony, stuck their fingers in the cake, and were running all over the place.  Is that normal child behavior?  Sure, but I don't think a wedding is the place for it.
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  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-multiple-questions-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:43d9fbce-8294-4693-8210-0c1c1a1a04b9Post:b6eec886-b302-4fcd-b175-d234620b2715">Re: Rehearsal Dinner. . . multiple questions, sorry</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh wow. Your sister agreed to not having her children (your nieces/nephews) at your wedding? Wow. We are having an "adult only" event too, but our 5 nieces & nephews are important people in our lives so they are coming (along with our children).  I'd never even think to ask my sisters to not bring their children.  Bless your sister's heart. I know it's YOUR wedding & it's your call, but wow! (I know this had nothing to do with your post, but I am just shocked.)
    Posted by cvmami78[/QUOTE]

    Further, if you are implying that my niece and nephew are not important people in my life and my fiance's life you are very, very wrong.
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  • amyelise25amyelise25 member
    100 Comments First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-multiple-questions-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:43d9fbce-8294-4693-8210-0c1c1a1a04b9Post:b6eec886-b302-4fcd-b175-d234620b2715">Re: Rehearsal Dinner. . . multiple questions, sorry</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh wow. Your sister agreed to not having her children (your nieces/nephews) at your wedding? Wow. We are having an "adult only" event too, but our 5 nieces & nephews are important people in our lives so they are coming (along with our children).  I'd never even think to ask my sisters to not bring their children.  Bless your sister's heart. I know it's YOUR wedding & it's your call, but wow! (I know this had nothing to do with your post, but I am just shocked.)
    Posted by cvmami78[/QUOTE]



    Wow, that was pretty harsh and judgemental. And this is coming from a bride who found a way to fit all four of her nieces/nephews under 9 into her wedding.
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  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-multiple-questions-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:43d9fbce-8294-4693-8210-0c1c1a1a04b9Post:c89810f7-acbd-4ee1-b83b-2e9ac4a95d96">Re: Rehearsal Dinner. . . multiple questions, sorry</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner. . . multiple questions, sorry : Wow, that was pretty harsh and judgemental. And this is coming from a bride who found a way to fit all four of her nieces/nephews under 9 into her wedding.
    Posted by amyelise25[/QUOTE]

    thank you
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  • lauraanne9lauraanne9 member
    100 Comments
    Don't feel bad at all.  My FI and I have decided we are having no kids at all.  We originally had 64 on the list.  I was then informed that the family thought it was ok to bring people who were not invited to the wedding, they would come and just ring whoever they thought would enjoy it.  I was NOT ok with this.  How am I, my parents, and my FI supposed to host a proper reception when we have NO idea how many are showing up???  We expressed the issue we had with it, were told that is how they do it and to get over it. So, we added everyone we thought may just "come along even if not invited" and the guest list was over 200 but at least we had a head count.  162 if kids are removed.  I am not inviting my niece, and my fiance is not inviting his 3 nieces and nephews.  His sister is throwing a fit and saying she is not coming as someone needs to provide childcare for all the people forced to leave their kids at home.  We thanked her for her generosity, publically.  While privately discussing that we just don't feel bad as the only resaon no kids are invited is because no one cared how I, my FI, or my parents felt when they thought they were getting my parents to pay for their glorified family reunion (they were calling the reception a reunion at one point).

    I know this was long, but it really was my intent to show that not inviting kids is done for MANY reasons, not all of them because the people making the decision hate kids.
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  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-multiple-questions-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:43d9fbce-8294-4693-8210-0c1c1a1a04b9Post:dc485acd-9af8-4223-80c6-1a0c0ed1a6ca">Re: Rehearsal Dinner. . . multiple questions, sorry</a>:
    [QUOTE]Don't feel bad at all.  My FI and I have decided we are having no kids at all.  We originally had 64 on the list.  I was then informed that the family thought it was ok to bring people who were not invited to the wedding, they would come and just ring whoever they thought would enjoy it.  I was NOT ok with this.  How am I, my parents, and my FI supposed to host a proper reception when we have NO idea how many are showing up???  We expressed the issue we had with it, were told that is how they do it and to get over it. So, we added everyone we thought may just "come along even if not invited" and the guest list was over 200 but at least we had a head count.  162 if kids are removed.  I am not inviting my niece, and my fiance is not inviting his 3 nieces and nephews.  His sister is throwing a fit and saying she is not coming as someone needs to provide childcare for all the people forced to leave their kids at home.  We thanked her for her generosity, publically.  While privately discussing that we just don't feel bad as the only resaon no kids are invited is because no one cared how I, my FI, or my parents felt when they thought they were getting my parents to pay for their glorified family reunion (they were calling the reception a reunion at one point). I know this was long, but it really was my intent to show that not inviting kids is done for MANY reasons, not all of them because the people making the decision hate kids.
    Posted by lauraanne9[/QUOTE]

    I never for a second thought that our decision to not invite kids could even be taken as us hating kids!  I do, however, feel that the initial responses from the 2 PPs were completely uncalled for.
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