Sister vs Best Friend for MOH?

charbakes · June 2012

My bff and I have been bffs for 15 years. I feel closer to her than to my sister. I'd like her to be my MOH, and I don't know if my sister will be pissed or not.

My bff helps me with my business, I trust her legally and financially, and I know that she's responsible. My sister has had a tough couple of years, and I gave her a job in my bakery to help her out. She's not the most responsible person, and I don't think I can rely on her to help me with the wedding. They both work with me, so I'm scared about drama in the workplace as well as the bridal party.

I'm almost tempted to just give my sister MOH position to avoid drama, but I think my bff would be pissed that she's doing the MOH work, but she's not an MOH. I don't know how to tell my sister that I want my bff to be MOH without hurting her feelings somehow.

jemmini6 · June 2012

You should choose your WP based on who you are closest to, not who will do the most biiitch work for you. It is not the MOH's, or any of the BP's, job to help plan your wedding. Sure, many people volunteer to help, but in no way should it be the determining factor. You are choosing to honor your relationship with someone, not hiring them for a job.

That being said, if you feel closer to your friend, make her MOH. Your sister should understand. If not, then it's a really petty thing for her to get upset about anyways. Another option is having both of them be MsOH.

cookie0803 · June 2012

You should choose your MOH based on your relationship with that person, not how much they can do for you. The only responsibilities any BMs, including the MOH have are to show up to the wedding on time, and in the correct dress. The only ones responsible for planning your wedding are you and your FI. Also, should this come up, any pre-wedding parties such as showers or bachelorette parties are optional, and you should not ask them to plan these for you. That being said, if they offer to plan these for you or help you with wedding details, feel free to accept! Many friends are happy and excited to help, but they are not free labor and treating them as such can be very damaging.

OliveOilsMom · June 2012

I couldn't choose between my sister and bf either. So I had both be MsOH. But I would say I have a better relationship with my sister than you do yours, based solely on your description above.

mbcdefg · June 2012

Whoever wants to help plan your wedding will offer her help whether she's the MOH, a bridesmaid or a guest. Whoever is not interested in helping you will not offer, even if you ask her to be MOH or a bridesmaid. They are not there to be your helpers. They are there to be your friends. Pick based on who your friends are, not who you think will be the best planner or helper, because that is a sure fire way to disappoint yourself and get mad at someone when they don't live up to your expectations. You aren't a bad person if you choose your closest friend over your sister as MOH, but absolutely do not explain to your sister why you made that decision. It will just make her feel bad and you don't owe anyone an explanation anyway. "Will you be my bridesmaid?" is all you need to say. "Janie is my MOH" is all you need to say if she asks why she's not MOH. Really, don't discuss it at length with her or anyone else.

cookie0803 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-vs-best-friend-for-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:eabefd2b-a8d9-4029-a2c8-6cfbc1a9306aPost:8defbf82-a8da-47df-b546-e8f13fed7b8f">Re:Sister vs Best Friend for MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Whoever wants to help plan your wedding will offer her help whether she's the MOH, a bridesmaid or a guest.

Whoever is not interested in helping you will not offer, even if you ask her to be MOH or a bridesmaid.

They are not there to be your helpers. They are there to be your friends. Pick based on who your friends are, not who you think will be the best planner or helper, because that is a sure fire way to disappoint yourself and get mad at someone when they don't live up to your expectations.

You aren't a bad person if you choose your closest friend over your sister as MOH, but absolutely do not explain to your sister why you made that decision. It will just make her feel bad and you don't owe anyone an explanation anyway. "Will you be my bridesmaid?" is all you need to say. "Janie is my MOH" is all you need to say if she asks why she's not MOH. Really, don't discuss it at length with her or anyone else.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

I like this answer better than mine. It sounds nicer. Listen to this, it's great advice.

meganb1977 · June 2012

You can have two maids/matrons of honor and don't necessarily have to choose. I have two sisters and a best friend, and just like my best friend chose me as her maid of honor over her two sisters she stood as my matron of honor over my two sisters. There's still only one person witnesssing on the certificate and I didn't want to have to choose between my sisters to do that!

charbakes · June 2012

Regardless of the amount of "work" involved, I still want my bff as my maid of honor. As I said, I'm simply just closer to my best friend. And I'll probably have a wedding party of 3 or 4, so it would be unfair to the other BMs to have half of them be MOHs. I'm more concerned with breaking the news to my sister.

aerinpegadrak · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-vs-best-friend-for-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eabefd2b-a8d9-4029-a2c8-6cfbc1a9306aPost:968ef96e-d94f-4dd3-b8b2-b285779800e9">Re: Sister vs Best Friend for MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Regardless of the amount of "work" involved, I still want my bff as my maid of honor. As I said, I'm simply just closer to my best friend. And I'll probably have a wedding party of 3 or 4, so it would be unfair to the other BMs to have half of them be MOHs. I'm more concerned with breaking the news to my sister.
Posted by charbakes[/QUOTE]
You don't break the news to her. Sitting her down and telling her all of the reasons that she's not MOH isn't going to go well even if there wasn't previously any potential for drama. Just let it go. If she pushes, just tell her that your friend is the MOH and don't let her bait you into saying anything else.

acarrick86 · June 2012

Found myself in the same boat. I had a long talk with my bff and we came to the conclusion that it was easier to keep the peace and make my sister the MOH but my bff still knew my real feelings. I still have to deal with my sister getting her nose out of joint over stuff but nearly as much.

RussoWill · June 2012

I was in the same boat. I felt I had an obligation ot have my sister as my MOH. I ended up chooing my BFF instead. My sister is 6 years younger, and we really weren't that close. And both helped me with wedding crafts etc because they are awesome!

TheSlowskys · July 2012

In my circle, the moh stands next to the bride at the altar and gives the toast. All bms and moh share equally in the pre wedding party planning. I have 2 sisters. At my sisters wedding she didn't have a moh because she didn't want hurt feelings. But I ended up giving the toast and stood next to her so I was sort of de facto moh and since the other bms were very young I planned and paid for most of the parties as well. My wedding I am having my best friend as my moh. Ive been friends with her longer than one of my sisters has even been alive. What about asking one to stand next to you as the witness and the other give the toast? Just don't give anyone the moh title.

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