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I Love My Sister, but I want to back out

hdryder75hdryder75
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
I am not sure where to begin and hopefully I can get my story across and get some sound advice. My sister is getting married and asked me to be her maid of honor (in a text message), of course I said yes, I am happy for her and want to be there for her. Well, since it is a St. Pat's day wedding there was no doubt I would be wearing green, however when I joked with her about it, she took me seriously until I had to tell her that I was kidding. So, now to the gist of things....

Her and my mom went shopping for her dress, which is what my mom did for me. The next thing I know, I get a text message that she has picked out the bridesmaids dresses and told me the style and color (I had no input and never was asked). She then wants me to go over with her and my mom to look for something for my mom to wear, which was just a ploy to get me to order my dress, which was no big deal. The dress is "Kelly Green" and I have blonde hair and medium toned skin, the dress makes me look ill if I don't have a tan again this is no big deal, I can have my hair low lighted for the wedding. While we are there and I am trying on dresses she shows me shoes that several of the other bridesmaids are getting, oh I forgot to mention that everyone else had input on the dress but me, the shoes are watermelon colored and look terrible against the dress in my opinion. Told her I really didn't like them and I would have a pair dyed to match the dress in a style I could wear. She was fine with it then but then she takes her future Sister in Law to pick up her dress and demands that I get this color shoe and has a note but in my order details that that is the color to get. This is all via text message by the way. So I text back and ask why all of the sudden are shoes a big deal and I get back that "i want the shoes to match if they are showing". The dress is a typical a-line and goes past my feet right now and shoes most likely wont show when it gets altered. Needless to say it was not a day to tick me off, I called her and went off, I said quite a few things that were building up including the fact that she didn't give her only nephew a Bday card with $5 in it. So it's been about 2 months, my mom said to take a break from each other and we have, I sent her a text about thanksgiving dinner and she hasn't responded. I am at the point that I don't want to be in her wedding nor do i want to attend and I really dont know what to do. I could use some sound advice and ideas from anyone out there who may have some, this is tearing me apart and every day I want to send an email or text telling her what I feel and that I am through.

Sorry, a little long but I really need advice and there is a lot more I could add including what she did to me on my wedding day
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Re: I Love My Sister, but I want to back out

  • Stina51286Stina51286 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You and your sister sound so much my sister and myself.

    First she takes me shopping for dresses (3 times) finally picks one, gets in a fight with her FI's mom, well now his sister cant stand up. Back to square one with her picking new BMS (she asked me to stand up on FB only after me saying why am i looking for dresses with you since you haven't asked me to stand up). So she picks another dress she really likes, whatever the ppl at the shop said it looked good on me even though I didn't like it but told her whatever its her wedding I want to make her happy. The new BM didn't like it, so the two of them went together, found a dress for her (halter since she is top heavy and a strapless for me) she showed me in a picture and told me when to order it. I didn't like it nor have I tried it on to see if it'd even look good on me. I was mad that this "replacement" girl got to decide over her own sister but said whatever Ill order the dress. Now a month later other issues arise (her FI is a jerk she went and lied to my dad who I haven't talked to in months about me and caused more issues).

    She blamed me for not helping with her wedding not helping with ideas etc, I told my mom a couple times I didn't want to be MOH anymore, well now im backing out completely. My mom 100% agrees with me on this decision. If theres more to the story then just the dress and a bday card, id say drop out, but if its just the dress she's being a bridezilla. Or sit down and try to have a talk with her to see what her deal is and maybe she will ask you to step down on her own?

     

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  • em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_love-sister-but-want-back-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:44fea39f-8fd1-4575-954a-fc92931a947aPost:6883f25e-cb00-4511-af6e-24c1761a847f">I Love My Sister, but I want to back out</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am not sure where to begin and hopefully I can get my story across and get some sound advice. My sister is getting married and asked me to be her maid of honor (in a text message), of course I said yes, I am happy for her and want to be there for her. Well, since it is a St. Pat's day wedding there was no doubt I would be wearing green, however when I joked with her about it, she took me seriously until I had to tell her that I was kidding. So, now to the gist of things.... Her and my mom went shopping for her dress, which is what my mom did for me. The next thing I know, I get a text message that she has picked out the bridesmaids dresses and told me the style and color (I had no input and never was asked). She then wants me to go over with her and my mom to look for something for my mom to wear, which was just a ploy to get me to order my dress, which was no big deal. The dress is "Kelly Green" and I have blonde hair and medium toned skin, the dress makes me look ill if I don't have a tan again this is no big deal, I can have my hair low lighted for the wedding. While we are there and I am trying on dresses she shows me shoes that several of the other bridesmaids are getting, <strong>oh I forgot to mention that everyone else had input on the dress but me,</strong> the shoes are watermelon colored and look terrible against the dress in my opinion. Told her I really didn't like them and I would have a pair dyed to match the dress in a style I could wear. She was fine with it then but then she takes her future Sister in Law to pick up her dress and demands that I get this color shoe and has a note but in my order details that that is the color to get. This is all via text message by the way. So I text back and ask why all of the sudden are shoes a big deal and I get back that<strong> "i want the shoes to match if they are showing</strong>". The dress is a typical a-line and goes past my feet right now and shoes most likely wont show when it gets altered. Needless to say it was not a day to tick me off, I called her and went off, I said quite a few things that were building up including<strong> the fact that she didn't give her only nephew a Bday card with $5 in it. </strong>So it's been about 2 months, my mom said to take a break from each other and we have, I sent her a text about thanksgiving dinner and she hasn't responded. I am at the point that I don't want to be in her wedding nor do i want to attend and I really dont know what to do. I could use some sound advice and ideas from anyone out there who may have some, this is tearing me apart and every day I want to send an email or text telling her what I feel and that I am through. Sorry, a little long but I really need advice and there is a lot more I could add including what she did to me on my wedding day
    Posted by hdryder75[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Why did everyone else get input but you? That seems lame. I think you're overthinking the color thing, but she still should have asked you your budget and preferences, especially if she asked the other BMs. </div><div>
    </div><div>If she wants special shoes, that is totally fine, BUT she should pay for them. You should only have to buy your dress. 

    </div><div>The issue about the birthday card was rude of you. No one is ever required to give anyone a gift, no matter what the occasion or how much money they have laying around. Sure it was thoughtless of her and you can privately be upset, but saying something probably didn't help. But that ship has sailed now...</div><div>
    </div><div>So basically, I think you guys have a lot more going on here than just watermellon shoes. Is there more to this that you aren't telling? I would not back out of the wedding, unless you are ready for things with your sister to get a whole lot worse and if you are ok with possibly ending your relationship with her. Your mom will probably also be upset. </div><div>
    </div><div>What I would do is invite her over or go somewhere private you can talk. Say that you felt hurt because everyone else got an opinion on the dress but you and you were not consulted about budget or anything. I would also apologize for the comment about the birthday card/$5 business. Discuss whatever other seeded issues you two have going on. Let her air her grievances with you. If she says, "You didn't like my watermellon shoes idea!" say, "My opinion was that I did not like them and etiquette says that if a bride wants special shoes, she should pay." Send her here if you want. </div>
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
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  • jagore08jagore08 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She was wrong not to include you in the decision of your dress.  And you're right, the shoes won't be seen with a floor length dress and I hate it when brides demand all the BM wear the same shoes because some people are just not comfortable in certain styles.

    However, if you don't even attend your sisters wedding you'll regret it later on.  I don't know what it is with some brides but weddings seem to bring out the crazy (and not just the brides but WP and family too).  I think you should just do what you need to do to get through the wedding and try to avoid wedding talk with her as much as you can.
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    It's strange that the last thing mentioned in many posts is probably the most important point for the poster. I think you've been brooding for a while about your sister forgetting your baby's birthday and the shoe issue is just a catalyst for this argument. All of these things seem petty in comparison to the damage that these arguments are doing to your relationship with your sister.

    1. Your son will not think anything of his aunt forgetting his birthday, unless you make a big deal about it. She probably forgot about his gift because she is distracted by her wedding plans, right now. No one is obligated to give anyone a birthday gift. You should apologize to her for the mean things you said to her.

    2. Your sister should have told you when and where she was shopping and allowed you the option of participating.  Did she? She also should have consulted each bm, privately, about her dress budget.

    3. If your sister is requiring a specific shoe or other accessories, she should pay for them. After you have had the break your mom recommended, try to talk to her about the shoe issue, again.

    I honestly don't see anything in your post that would warrant dropping out of your sister's wedding party. You seem to be a little sensitive and your sister seems to be a little insensitive. Has it always been that way?
                       
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  • hdryder75hdryder75
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You are correct in there is a whole lot more than just the shoes, she has not asked me for my input on one thing. I could care less about the dress color, it was the simple fact that everyone else was included but me until after the decision was made. I may sound petty about the card thing with my son, but this has been an on going issue with her, she will spend and spend on her FI nephew but not her own. There was also an issue with her catering, she wanted a friend of mine to do it and when I told her she would, she never said another word about it, but posted on facebook that she was looking for someone. And when I asked about this her response was that I didn't do anything about it. Well it's not my wedding and I dont' know the details to let a caterer know anything. As far as the shoes, she was fine with me having them dyed to match the dress then all of a sudden she after she spends time with her future SIL she changes her mind. I did try to reach out to her about thanksgiving, but she totally ignored me.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You can't force your sister to treat your son and her future nephew equally. You should not be keeping score in the gift game. It's not worth the aggravation and will not get you anywhere.

    I agree your sister should have talked to you about the issues that concern you, such as the dress and the shoes. I wonder why your mom was invited along and you were not.

    If you feel like you no longer want to be in her wedding party, then step down. But think about it for a while before you do anything that drastic.
                       
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  • em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_love-sister-but-want-back-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:44fea39f-8fd1-4575-954a-fc92931a947aPost:713b3641-d2fd-4eab-827c-051fb2bf8a4b">Re: I Love My Sister, but I want to back out</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's strange that the last thing mentioned in many posts is probably the most important point for the poster.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    Are you referring to her OP or PP replies? If you meant my reply, I just had several comments about various parts of her post and answered them as I read, bolding portions as I went along. Addressing her issues in order seemed to make sense.
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_love-sister-but-want-back-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:44fea39f-8fd1-4575-954a-fc92931a947aPost:0a5a86e2-6058-4fbc-a30f-b18f470a81d1">Re: I Love My Sister, but I want to back out</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I Love My Sister, but I want to back out : Are you referring to her OP or PP replies? If you meant my reply, I just had several comments about various parts of her post and answered them as I read, bolding portions as I went along. Addressing her issues in order seemed to make sense.
    Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

    Sorry, Em.
    I was referring to the OP's comment about her sister not giving her son a birthday gift. It seems to me that was probably the thing that was really bothering her.
    But I do like  your suggestion about talking to her sister about feeling left out.
                       
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  • em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_love-sister-but-want-back-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:44fea39f-8fd1-4575-954a-fc92931a947aPost:c0d667c6-d166-4ea6-9c1a-ea4f102ba67c">Re: I Love My Sister, but I want to back out</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I Love My Sister, but I want to back out : Sorry, Em. I was referring to the OP's comment about her sister not giving her son a birthday gift. It seems to me that was probably the thing that was really bothering her. But I do like  your suggestion about talking to her sister about feeling left out.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    Oh ok NBD just checking!
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
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  • KatInAusKatInAus
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I picked out my bridesmaids dresses, shoes, jewelry etc - but I'm paying for it, so why shouldn't I?
    What is comes down to is that it is her wedding. If she wants the hideous watermelon shoes, let her have them - as long as she pays for it and doesn't expect you to.

    I try to go by the whole 'treat others the way you want to be treated'. It sounds like you had problems with her at your own wedding? Be the bigger person in all of this, at least then she won't have anything to bitch about.

    Good luck!
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  • rfaivrecarverrfaivrecarver member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I see how you would be hurt by your sister not acknowledging your son's Bday, but it seems that there has got to be more to this than what you posted, family is tough! But don't back out of the wedding, it will cause so much more problems if you back out. Wear the kelly green dress and the watermelon shoes smile and be happy for your sister cause it's the right thing to do.
    I would also like to add I feel really good about myself. I picked dresses my BMs and MOH that were not only affordable- but they can wear them again, and one of my BMs has plans for it after my wedding. She has called me saying she has a wedding to go to in June and guess what she's wearing. I love it! 
    Your sisters wedding is the same day as mine. I will be thinking of you.....looking extra fabulous in your green dress with your lowlights. Rock it girl!
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