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who picks MOB dress?

spudley215spudley215
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
my daughter is getting married in Sept 2012. She's already purchased her gown, reserved her venue, selected flowers, cake, BM's dresses. She's giving me a rough time about what I'm going to wear. #1, I have a YEAR to figure it out. #2, she's telling me that SHE picks it out, not me (this is according to all the Bride books she's read).  I've been married twice. Neither time did I even THINK of telling mom what to wear. She's an adult and was very capable of making that decision on her own.  My daughter will be 30 next year. Yes, she's a bit of a diva and has taken total control of all this (which is fine with me!) but I think she's gone a bit too far. I know it's her day, all the more reason that she needn't be concerned with my dress; I would never embarass her. I think it's all a control issue, but I'm not up on current wedding etiquette. Have times changed to where the bride picks the moms' dresses???
oh...she's also trying to tell me where to hold her shower, how it needs to be set up, how much I need to spend (!!).  I'm hoping she'll start to chill out in the next few months, since the shower isn't until June '12.
HELP!!!!

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Re: who picks MOB dress?

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    bethziobrobethziobro
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    You are completely in the right here.   Hopefully your daughter will mellow out & realize you are a grown woman capable of dressing yourself.  If she is insistant about having an opinion, by all means take her shopping with you, but ultimately what you wear is your decision.

    Regarding her shower, if you want to ask your daughter for any input on what she may like that's perfectly fine, but again, if you are going to host, the decisions are yours.
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    Joanne1984Joanne1984
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The MOB chooses the MOB dress. 
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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    As long as you don't pick a long white/ivory gown, she really has no business telling you what to wear.
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    tldhtldh member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Send her to us.  We'll straighten her out.

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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Yikes, she sounds like a control freak. The MOB and MOG get to pick their own dresses.

    The host of the shower gets to decide on the budget, place and number of guests. If the bride doesn't like what you are planning she can turn down your offer and hope someone else is brave enough to step up to the plate.

    You should buy your daughter a wedding etiquette book, by Miss Manners or Emily Post. They don't advocate the bridezilla style that is promoted by the wedding industry and the magazines.

    Good luck, spudley. It sounds like you are going to need it : )
                       
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    marshallalmarshallal
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Both my mother and the MOG asked me what I thought and made sure they weren't in matching dresses so they would be recognized individually. Other than that both dresses were their choices, as they very well should have been. When it comes to the shower, I just got home from mine, and I'll tell you, I was adamant I wanted a laid back atmosphere of everyone chatting and having a good time, I didn't want to open presents and I wanted everyone to be free to have a beer or a glass if wine if they chose. I got only the laid back atmosphere, and I still had a fantastic time. Remind your daughter that it's all about the people you're with, and not how much money you spend. The only thing I had to say to my mom about money was please don't spend too much, because the cost of the party doesn't make it good.
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    spudley215spudley215
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    thank you all.  Is there any place on this site (that I can't seem to find) that states - in writing - who does what?  More specifically, that Mom picks out her own dress?

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    spudley215spudley215
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    omg. thank you for the healthy laugh!!!   Laughing
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    theangelcintheangelcin
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/wedding-attire/654-inside-weddings-wedding-attire

    It's not a link for here on The Knot, but it is Emily Post.  At the bottom it has about MOB and MOG dresses.

    Good luck!
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    em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I also didn't think MOBs were supposed to throw their daughter's showers (or anyone on the brides' family) because it seems gift grabby. This is considered tacky in my circle, but maybe not everywhere and I have heard this is becoming more common since women are living on their own and out of their parent's homes for years before marrying now. Still, around here, friends are "supposed" to do it, if one is to be held. Sisters of the bride who are MOHs are the exception to the no brides' family rule.  
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    dinnermintdinnermint
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My mom wanted my opinion on what to wear to the wedding and I just told her to pick something that made her feel beautiful.

    I think its ultimately up to you as to what you wear for her wedding. Perhaps you can go shopping together and bond?

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    spudley215spudley215
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    "I also didn't think MOBs were supposed to throw their daughter's showers (or anyone on the brides' family"
    I was always told that that applied to baby showers.  Pretty much every bridal shower I've ever been to (even in the 70's) was given by the MoB AND the bridal attendants. I have no problem doing it, mainly because four of her six attendants are from our hometown (where we haven't lived for the last 8 years) and they're throwing another shower for her.  Since all my relatives are here, my other daughter & I will host this one, but I will now let her know that I'm having it at my house (catered) and NOT at her overpriced favorite restaurant!
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    em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_picks-mob-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b0553269-189b-40a0-b8c5-45247b01c39dPost:de2d991c-befb-4fc7-ac60-df63bb09027c">Re: who picks MOB dress?</a>:
    [QUOTE]" I also didn't think MOBs were supposed to throw their daughter's showers (or anyone on the brides' family" <strong>I was always told that that applied to baby showers.  Pretty much every bridal shower I've ever been to (even in the 70's) was given by the MoB AND the bridal attendants . </strong>I have no problem doing it, mainly because four of her six attendants are from our hometown (where we haven't lived for the last 8 years) and they're throwing another shower for her.  Since all my relatives are here, my other daughter & I will host this one, but I will now let her know that I'm having it at my house (catered) and NOT at her overpriced favorite restaurant!
    Posted by spudley215[/QUOTE]

    <div>I guess it's maybe a regional/my circle thing. I think it's fine if the MOB helps out, but I guess I'm just of the opinion that she shouldn't be the one sending out the invitations/saying she is "hosting." </div>
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    utegogglesutegoggles member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_picks-mob-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b0553269-189b-40a0-b8c5-45247b01c39dPost:e75f1a26-fd68-497d-a6c7-b934d4801b52">Re: who picks MOB dress?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Send her to us.  We'll straighten her out.
    Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Lol I love this!</div>
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_picks-mob-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b0553269-189b-40a0-b8c5-45247b01c39dPost:ecd7bfb7-20f6-4b02-95f0-c71513cb508f">Re: who picks MOB dress?</a>:
    [QUOTE]thank you all.  Is there any place on this site (that I can't seem to find) that states - in writing - who does what?  More specifically, that Mom picks out her own dress?
    Posted by spudley215[/QUOTE]

    You're in luck.
    Scroll down to the bottom of this page. In the 'search boards' bar, type 'MOB dress.' Select 'current board' and hit 'go.' 
    Happy reading!
                       
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    KristiDB8KristiDB8 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My daughter is also 29 and is also getting married in 2012.  She has not even hinted re: what she wants me to wear which is, in my book, appropriate..  I plan on giving her veto power (if she hates it, I will pick something else) but that is my choice.  She has picked out her gown, but I don't plan on choosing mine until she has picked out the MOH dress.  I'll find something that looks flattering on me that won't take away from her and doesn't clash with the MOH.  Other than that, we both seem to agree that this is my decision. 

    Remind your daughter that a successful wedding = 1. waking up married in the morning and 2. everyone having fun at the party.  It does not have to be a 100% orchastrated event controlled by her.  If she tries to make it so, she will be stressed and won't enjoy herself.  

    All that said, don't let this put a wedge between you and your daughter.  No dress or party is worth that.  I'm not advocating this, but if it really comes down to it and she's normally a reasonable person, you might want to consider doing what she wants (within reason/budget, etc) and maybe a year later you can joke together about what a Bridezilla she was.  
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    Juris11Juris11
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_picks-mob-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b0553269-189b-40a0-b8c5-45247b01c39dPost:2257ca36-b175-4b05-b7e6-5acbbee9a651">Re: who picks MOB dress?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My mom wanted my opinion on what to wear to the wedding and I just told her to pick something that made her feel beautiful. I think its ultimately up to you as to what you wear for her wedding. Perhaps you can go shopping together and bond?
    Posted by dinnermint[/QUOTE]

    My mom and I went shopping together too. We both enjoy shopping and have similar tastes, so it seemed natural to us. I think I was the one who pulled the dress she eventually got from the rack, but it was all her decision. I would never have demanded she get a certain dress or vetoed her choice.
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    Matty143Matty143
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_picks-mob-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b0553269-189b-40a0-b8c5-45247b01c39dPost:eedbd98f-1a8c-4f0c-8918-8cc23df37d0e">Re: who picks MOB dress?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to who picks MOB dress? : Try to sit down with her and bring her back to Earth.  MOB choses what she wears, end of story. Tell her that pre-wedding parties ARE NOT required.  That it is an honor IF someone decides to host one.  And the only say the bride should have in pre-wedding parties is letting the host know women that will be invited to the wedding (as everyone at a pre-wedding party needs to be invited to the wedding), and to make sure the date works with the bride.
    Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this.
    My Mom and FMIL have both purchased lovely dresses and were able to do so without my input.
    image
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    LittleMissCutiePieLittleMissCutiePie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You are a grown woman. There is no way in hell that you should be told by your daughter what to wear. Direct her here for some education on the subject!
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    tseguintseguin member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_picks-mob-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b0553269-189b-40a0-b8c5-45247b01c39dPost:1fcd40a8-8e3b-43fc-bca4-66a79cd21689">Re: who picks MOB dress?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yikes, she sounds like a control freak. The MOB and MOG get to pick their own dresses. The host of the shower gets to decide on the budget, place and number of guests. If the bride doesn't like what you are planning she can turn down your offer and hope someone else is brave enough to step up to the plate. You should buy your daughter a wedding etiquette book, by Miss Manners or Emily Post. They don't advocate the bridezilla style that is promoted by the wedding industry and the magazines. Good luck, spudley. It sounds like you are going to need it : )
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    This. wow! I could NEVER imagine telling my mom what to wear.  That's so bold. you are a grown woman. Pick what you want. Just not ivory or white.  I think your daughter needs a realty check or to take a chill pill.  I went with my mom, but she wanted to know how the dress looked on her not what I told her to wear. 

    And to tell you how her shower must be. That's presumptuous. No offense OP but your daughter sounds like she's acting like a spoiled brat and bridezilla.  If she doesn't stop it sounds like this might not be the fun experience it should be between a mother and daughter.
    wedding countdown
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    jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I think you now have a great idea for a Christmas present for her (LINK).  If she's freaking out about your dress, I can assure you there are probably even more offensive etiquette rules she's breaking.

    But yes, you are an adult, you pick the dress.  Of course, it's assumed that you will be appropriate (no white, no crazy short skin-tight leapord print dress, etc).  It might be nice to ask her what she has in mind or if she has any color or length preferences, but it is still 100% your decision of what you buy.
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    MeghanRoseHMeghanRoseH member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think the MOB and MOG should have the final decision on the dress they wear but should take into consideration what the bride suggests for colors and styles. She may not want either to look out of place at the wedding or in pictures by being overdressed, underdressed or clashing with the colors of the wedding and WP. My mother had me go shopping with her and make suggestions/give my opinion. As there were several dresses she liked but the were just to formal for my wedding-she did have the final say and decision though. 
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    AiobheannAiobheann member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Traditionally, MOB wears a color that compliments the bridal party and MOG wears a color that compliments MOB. That way these important women are recognizable as part of the wedding, but not intruding on the wedding party. My mom wore a wonderful dress to my sisters wedding that incorporated all of the wedding colors (MOG wore a periwinkle dress that matched mine as MOH). At my wedding our colors were green, and my mom wore a beautiful sage dress (which went with the green theme, but didn't match the wedding green-which was nice). My MIL wore some silver cocktail dress (which was rather inappropriate for a snow laden winter wedding). 

    You get to pick the dress, but it should compliment the wedding in some way. If it were me this is how I would handle it: Pick out a few dresses that I like and am comfortable with and then invite my daughter's opinion of the dresses. That way no matter which dress my daughter likes, I already picked it out as a good choice for me and my daughter will get to feel that her opinion is important and she got to help with the selection.
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    knottie5c06085a6024ee76knottie5c06085a6024ee76 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I call B.S. on her claiming that any book says the bride picks the MOB's dress.  It sounds like that's what she wants and so she's just using it as an excuse.  I think it's a nice courtesy to ask her opinion and choose something that won't look strange with the wedding colors.  Other than that, choose whatever you'd like. 
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