Guests Coming from Far Away - How to Handle Gifts?

emeejeeayen · July 2012

I have a while to think about this, but I'm genuinely curious what the protocol would be.

We live on the east coast, and most of our friends and all of my fiance's family also live on the east coast (NYC specifically). Our wedding will be in California.

I don't want people to feel like they need to lug a gift from NY to CA when we're just going to have to lug it back to NY. But I also don't want to just assume people will give us gifts! (It's expensive to get to CA!)

Is there a way to say this on our wedding website without sounding presumptious?

I also don't want my California family to feel obligated to pay for shipping fees to NY. I just don't want NY people to lug a gift 3000 miles so that we can lug it right back! So I'm stumped on wording.

(Note: I'll obviously supply our NY address on our registries, but not everyone looks at that, and sometimes people don't want to ship gifts - they'd rather pick them up in person. Despite the fact that we live in NY, when we had our engagement party in NY, what did my family get me? Dinnerware. Obviously tricky to ship, but even more worrisome if I think about someone trying to bring it on a plane.)

ETA: I repeat, I don't mind shipping things; I just don't want my guests to feel like they have to haul something physical to the wedding when I'll just be hauling it right back. This is a question of how best to be considerate of my guests.

twilight.rose · July 2012

I think you need to trust that your guests will do what is easiest for them; they're adults and surely know how to travel. If they want to have a gift shipped to your home, I'm certain your guests will look at your registry. Otherwise, they can bring a gift with them, give cash, etc. I don't think this is an issue you need to specifically address.

jessicabessica · July 2012

You can't control what guests do or don't do, so I would not really worry about this. If they want to get a gift for you, they will. I think most people that want to give you something will ship it to your designated address or give a cash gift at the wedding.

I have seen people put something like, "It means so much to us that you are traveling for our wedding, and we do not expect any gifts, but if you do choose to get something, here are our registries," on their websites, but we didn't do that (although we had a lot of people traveling). I know that gifts are optional, I don't need permission from the couple to not give them something. I also think putting a statement like that is a little silly when there are multiple registries/charity suggestions/etc.--that means to me that the couple has put some thought into what they'd like, which is fine, but it makes the "your presence is our present" statement slightly disingenuous.

emeejeeayen · July 2012

Your friends are clearly more experienced than mine :P

I'm not sure many even know how registries work? I certainly didn't until I got engaged. I've been to one wedding as an adult, and most of my friends have been to fewer than that. And most of my friends really have not done much traveling by themselves.

The one wedding I've been to, my 2 best friends and I showed up at the reception with this huge package, and everyone looked at us like we were crazy - apparently everyone else shipped theirs ahead of time. But we had no idea!

I'm just looking to minimize confusion for my guests. Weddings just aren't that common for folks in their 20s in Manhattan/San Francisco, in my experience. Even my mom didn't know how all of it worked since I think she's been to maybe 3 "real" weddings in her life.

::shrug:: I guess there's no easy way to do it without being blunt past the point of etiquette. Maybe word of mouth will handle it.

jessicabessica · July 2012

If you feel bad about the shipping fees, register at places that offer free shipping. On Amazon, many things are eligible for free shipping over $25 (or no minimum w/Prime), Macy's is over $99 (I think), and you can look into it at other stores. If you're worried, have a plan for how you will ship things in case you do get a lot at the wedding. Bring an extra suitcase or make arrangements with your CA family to temporarily store things for you.

Also, I'm from the tri-state area, lived in Manhattan for 3 years, and had a bunch of people from NYC and SF at my wedding (and have attended weddings for friends that are still in NYC)...it's just your group.

ETA: And we're all in our 20s.

ElisabethJoanne · July 2012

Emee, it's hard. The etiquette books are really clear on these points, but not everyone reads them. For that, the etiquette books are equally clear that there's really not much you can do about it.

Feel free to be just a little more frank than other brides if you really think your friends don't know how these things work. If anyone asks you what you want, you can say where you're registered and offer to help them with the process if you think "We're registered at X" will be meaningless to them. If anyone asks, "Is it OK if I give you the gift early/late so I don't have to travel with it?" of course answer it's easier on you, too, if you physically receive the gift in NY.

I'd also be ready to add in these conversations, "And it's standard wedding etiquette to..." I feel that brides who are the first in their circles to get married really teach all the other young women lots. When they get married, they'll appreciate knowing that there are rules about such things and that your wedding was an example of following the rules. Don't be pedantic about it. Just be, "It was really interesting to me to learn about Y related to wedding etiquette."

ElisabethJoanne · July 2012

Of course you would. You're an expert. You would never ask what to do. It'd be rude to volunteer the information.

But if you're asking the question (because you're not an expert; you don't know), and getting an answer, it's helpful to know it's a universal answer, not idiosyncratic to the one bride you've met.

emeejeeayen · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_guests-coming-from-far-away-how-to-handle-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:3252035d-e514-4239-b643-f0ab71c5af9fPost:b2bd84b9-e7b2-46bb-900c-1375dfd62e35">Re: Guests Coming from Far Away - How to Handle Gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests Coming from Far Away - How to Handle Gifts? : I would be very offended if a friend/bride to be gave me a lecture on how to give a gift. I know how to give a gift. OP, if you get gifts at the wedding, you'll just have to suck it up and ship them.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

<div>wait wait, I said I don't mind shipping things! :) </div><div>
</div><div>If you read my post, I'm concerned about people from NYC feeling like they <em>have to</em> bring a physical gift to the wedding rather than just leave it in some capacity in NYC. I certainly have no problem shipping from CA, and I'm sure I will have to from my family who are located there. </div>

emeejeeayen · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_guests-coming-from-far-away-how-to-handle-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:3252035d-e514-4239-b643-f0ab71c5af9fPost:b2bd84b9-e7b2-46bb-900c-1375dfd62e35">Re: Guests Coming from Far Away - How to Handle Gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests Coming from Far Away - How to Handle Gifts? : I would be very offended if a friend/bride to be gave me a lecture on how to give a gift. I know how to give a gift. OP, if you get gifts at the wedding, you'll just have to suck it up and ship them.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

<div>I get the sentiment since I get annoyed when people assume I'm an idiot. And once you learn this stuff it feels so OBVIOUS that you forget what it's like to not know. But coming from a family where there really was no etiquette, and given that most of my friends and fiance's family are from similar backgrounds of "anything goes," it's nice to have someone point it out. </div><div>
</div><div>That said, they may not care about etiquette honestly, but I'd at least want to <em>know</em> if i were breaking a rule. It always sucks to realize after the fact that you didn't even get to make a decision on whether or not you were going to be rude :) lol </div>

emeejeeayen · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_guests-coming-from-far-away-how-to-handle-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:3252035d-e514-4239-b643-f0ab71c5af9fPost:7a379aa7-2b96-4218-b480-ea62ab75d32c">Re: Guests Coming from Far Away - How to Handle Gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests Coming from Far Away - How to Handle Gifts? : I understand that but there are no rules when it comes to gifts. So you don't need to worry :)
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

<div>No, there aren't, but there are rules about how you can talk about gifts.</div><div>
</div><div>I understand your point of view, so it's sort of pointless to respond, but whatevs, I'm bored :)</div><div>
</div><div>My question was just, is there a way to kindly tell guests we do not expect anyone to bring a physical gift to the wedding if it is inconvenient for them to do so, as I'm not sure all of our guests are as well-acquainted with wedding ettiquete and may think they are rude if they show up empty handed. </div><div>
</div><div><em>I'm</em> well aware of what the "rules" are, but unfortunately many of my guests are not. That's it. I get that I don't <em>have</em> to say anything, but I thought it might be courteous. If there isn't a way to say it without sounding, IDK, gift-grabby or condescending then so be it. I was just curious. It's a ways off anyway :) </div>

MyNameIsNot · July 2012

I agree that you shouldn't say anything. It is presumptuous and uncomfortable to bring up gifts, even if you think guests would appreciate an etiquette tip.

Instead, I would recommend that you mention to your parents that you hope people will know to ship gifts or avoid lugging them across the country, and see where it goes. It's a little more appropriate if your mother is responding to a registry inquiry and mentions that there is free shipping available to your house to avoid the guest having to lug the gift.

You might also talk to whomever is doing your registry and see if they can arrange for you to pick up gifts at the store, and then mention that to guests when they purchase. Most places do ask about shipping when the guests purchase.

ElisabethJoanne · July 2012

My etiquette books have pages on how to give wedding gifts.

How far in advance to ship it (in case she wants to display gifts, which a small number still do)
What to choose (registry, not registry, kinds of things appropriate if there is no registry)
How to sign the card ("Mr. and Mrs. Smith" v. "Sally")
What to write if you send it after the wedding
How much to spend (what you can afford)
Whether you have to give a shower and wedding gift if invited to both
Whether to bring a gift to the wedding reception or ship it ahead of time

I don't know what books other people are reading, but I'm honestly surprised at the suggestion "there are no rules." My books don't have lots of theknot's "rules"; they do have rules on this. (The books are Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette and 2 editions of Emily Post)

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