Asking for hand in marriage

ARM92 · March 2012

My boyfriend (soon to be fiance) wants to ask my dad for my hand in marriage but my dad thinks it is a stupid tradition. My parents eloped and he did not ask my mom's parents. My dad and I do not really communicate well but I have tried to convey to him that it is important to me. I dont know what to do. Should we just skip that part and not worry about it or should I try to work on my father a bit more?My mother has been of no help in this department so I need some advice.

pgcp · March 2012

Skip it. If it isn't important to your dad then your bf will get all worked up and nervous to do something optional that your dad thinks is dumb. I do think that after you are engaged that you could go together to both sets of parents and ask for their support and blessing.

pattib5 · March 2012

Skip it. If it's not important to your dad, then it's not important. FWIW, I'm with your dad, I think it's a silly tradition. You're grown adults ... if your dad said "no", would that change your mind about marrying your bf? Didn't think so.

AdeleDazeem · March 2012

It's okay to skip it. However, just because it's not important to your father doesn't mean it's not important to your boyfriend. I don't think it's fair to completely shoot him down, either. I would probably explain how your parents feel and let him decide how to proceed.

For what it's worth, it meant the world to my father that my husband talked to him and my mom first. I don't think he asked permission so much as just asked for their blessing. My father cried. For some families, this is a touching moment and for others it's silly. It's okay - I don't think one way is right or wrong, but the feelings of those involved should be respected.

mdeidre · March 2012

I like the idea of your FI having a talk with dad even if he's not asking permission. Speak to each of them seperately about this compromise and see if they're willing to go this route. Ultimately, while it's not a big deal to me, it matters to your FI. I think it's a bit archaic, but it's also sweet that your FI wants to "do it right" so to speak.

NOLAbridealmost · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_asking-for-hand-in-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:4a1ad473-ba36-4e23-bac8-77b76855aaf1Post:ecf7a190-ca8e-4d38-bae3-fd774f4d9033">Re: Asking for hand in marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]I like the idea of your FI having a talk with dad even if he's not asking permission. Speak to each of them seperately about this compromise and see if they're willing to go this route. Ultimately, while it's not a big deal to me, it matters to your FI. I think it's a bit archaic<strong><span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">, but it's also sweet that </span>your FI wants to "do it right" so to speak.</strong>
Posted by mdeidre[/QUOTE]

<div>Really?</div>

toothpastechica · March 2012

I think its sweet, but its not for everyone. If your dad doesnt think its important, I am not sure why you do? Is it because you want thier support that its a good decision? If so why not meet with your parents (mother and father) with your FI and let them know TOGETHER that you are considering marraige and what they think about it? Seems to me that getting married is just as much your decision as it is his, and since you want him to talk to your parents (your parents to approve of him), I think your dad may be more understanding if its done out of a way that shows that you both want thier blessing then just to fallow a tradition he thinks is dumb.

Annas2013 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_asking-for-hand-in-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:4a1ad473-ba36-4e23-bac8-77b76855aaf1Post:71107007-be2b-4524-bfc0-72087e126a0d">Re: Asking for hand in marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]For what it's worth, it meant the world to my father that my husband talked to him and my mom first. I don't think he asked permission so much as just asked for their blessing. My father cried. For some families, this is a touching moment and for others it's silly. It's okay - I don't think one way is right or wrong, but the feelings of those involved should be respected.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>My dad always made it clear that he wanted whoever I married to ask him. It was more of a blessing thing with him too. My fiance also wanted to ask. I understand not everyone thinks it's necessary. If your dad thinks it's stupid, don't let your boyfriend freak out about something your dad doesn't consider important. But talk to both of them and see what happens.</div>

Avion22 · March 2012

I didn't care, and neither did my family, but my fiance did want to talk to my parents and inform them of his plans to propose before he went ahead with his plans. I don't think he "asked for my hand" as much as he told them about his plans and asked for their blessing. I'm pretty sure my parents told him something to the effect of "You didn't have to ask us, as she is a grown woman, but you have our blessing."

If it's important to your fiance to ask, then I think maybe he should just phrase it as asking for their blessing instead of their permission. You might also talk with your parents (your mom maybe?) and tell them how important it is to him so they don't react weirdly when he meets with them.

ARM92 · March 2012

Thanks for all the feedback. Its not so much for permission as for a blessing. It is important to me and my bf so we are trying to find some middle ground or something.It is a bit old fashioned but considering taht we are throwing alot of traditions out the window already we would like to keep a few, such as this one.

Lisa50 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_asking-for-hand-in-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:4a1ad473-ba36-4e23-bac8-77b76855aaf1Post:7817e61e-9b94-4181-9250-497eb92bc77c">Re: Asking for hand in marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all the feedback. Its not so much for permission as for a blessing. It is important to me and my bf so we are trying to find some middle ground or something.It is a bit old fashioned but considering taht we are throwing alot of traditions out the window already we would like to keep a few, such as this one.
Posted by ARM92[/QUOTE]

Forcing your father to participate in a tradition which holds no importance for him ... <em>What's the point</em>? If/when your father decides to bless your union, he will do it in his own time, in his own way. You may want to take a step back on this one. <u>Let</u> it happen, don't force it. Good luck!

rlavach · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_asking-for-hand-in-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:4a1ad473-ba36-4e23-bac8-77b76855aaf1Post:7817e61e-9b94-4181-9250-497eb92bc77c">Re: Asking for hand in marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all the feedback. Its not so much for permission as for a blessing. It is important to me and my bf so we are trying to find some middle ground or something.It is a bit old fashioned but considering taht we are throwing alot of traditions out the window already we would like to keep a few, such as this one.
Posted by ARM92[/QUOTE]
I hope it works out for you all. FWIW, my FI asked my father for his blessing and it meant a lot to me and my dad.

ChristineNB · March 2012

I would skip it. There are other ways your parents can show their blessing or approval, without your fiance asking for their blessing. My fiance did not ask for their permission or blessing and I liked it that way as I do not need my parents blessing to get married.

calliopeia2013 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_asking-for-hand-in-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:4a1ad473-ba36-4e23-bac8-77b76855aaf1Post:0ce57ade-e794-4b78-9325-510c3e4b7357">Re: Asking for hand in marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking for hand in marriage : Forcing your father to participate in a tradition which holds no importance for him ... What's the point ? If/when your father decides to bless your union, he will do it in his own time, in his own way. You may want to take a step back on this one. Let it happen, don't force it. Good luck!
Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

This is how I would feel about it. Even if the tradition is important to you and FI, it's a tradition that necessarily requires your dad's participation that he dosn't want to give. Personally, I would feel that the tradition would sort of lose its meaning if your dad is dragged into it unwillingly or against his own beliefs/preferences.

FWIW, I'm someone who's very against this particular tradition (for me and my loved ones, at least; I don't mean to sound judgemental of those for whom it's an important cultural thing), to the point where if I were hypothetically a dad being asked for my blessing prior to a proposal, I would probably be insulted on behalf of my daughter, refuse to give my blessing, and think less of the guy who was doing the asking. If your dad shares my strong beliefs about this sort of thing, consider that trying to force him into participating may actually create tensions that weren't there before.

janeash · March 2012

I'd skip it. FI didn't ask my dad, but even if he had, my dad probably would have told him I'm a grown woman and I make my own decisions so why is he asking him!

mdeidre · March 2012

Nola, read my WHOLE answer, I had already stated that I didn't think it was something that was necessary, sheesh! My point, and I didn't think it was that hard for most intelligent people to follow, was that this young man obviously feels that this is the right way to go about things and it's sweet that he wants to "do it right" as he sees doing it right to be.

Ash61612 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_asking-for-hand-in-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:4a1ad473-ba36-4e23-bac8-77b76855aaf1Post:71107007-be2b-4524-bfc0-72087e126a0d">Re: Asking for hand in marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]It's okay to skip it. However, just because it's not important to your father doesn't mean it's not important to your boyfriend. I don't think it's fair to completely shoot him down, either. I would probably explain how your parents feel and let him decide how to proceed<strong>. For what it's worth, it meant the world to my father that my husband talked to him and my mom first. I don't think he asked permission so much as just asked for their blessing</strong>. My father cried. For some families, this is a touching moment and for others it's silly. It's okay - I don't think one way is right or wrong, but the feelings of those involved should be respected.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

this is exactly how it was with my parents and FI. My dad knew for a while that FI was going to ask for his permission and had told him casually he had no problems but when FI knew he was going to ask me to marry him, the three of them all went to dinner and my parents both gave their blessing.

Laurahan1127 · March 2012

If you are looking for a middle ground, maybe both of you could talk to both of your parents? Limiting that conversation about my future was a little patriarchial-seeming for my FI (although it wouldn't have bothered me) and it wasn't important to my dad, so we sat down together with both of my parents (actually after we got engaged) and asked for their advice and blessing. We also got together with both sets of parents together as soon as possible after we were engaged and had a similar conversatioon with all 4 of them. They all felt like that was really significant, and I felt like it was a good way to express our respect for them and their involvement in our lives without asking for "permission" that FI didn't feel he needed and my dad didn't feel he had a right to give.

I am not attacking this tradition, though, by any means. This is just what worked for us.

mdeidre · March 2012

Laurahan, that's such a great compromise! Great way to get some good advice and start a new family tradition, too!

RussoWill · March 2012

My H called each of my parents (OOT and divorced) and told them his intentions. My mom of course cried and got all excited and my dad didn't think it wsa a big deal or necessary. I thought my dad would have thought more of it, but he apparently took it like any old phone call. Everyone is different. I don't think your dad will ridicule him for calling and telling him his intentions. If that's how your bf always pictured the marriage thing starting off, then let him go through the motions the way he thinks it should be done. He can do the 2 minute phone call think my H did.

Asking for hand in marriage

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