Is it too bossy (demanding) to ask for gift cards instead of actual gifts?

Eli Rangel · February 2012

I'm just affraid that we will get too much of the same thing, also, I am hispanic and most of my people (hispanics) never even look at the registry most of the times and just buy random presents. But then again I definitely do not want to come off as bossy/demanding or just too high maintenance. What do you suggest?

ceh789 · February 2012

Yes, it is too demanding. It is also very rude.

You should not mention gifts to your guests at all.

KellyBrian2013 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_bossy-demanding-ask-gift-cards-instead-of-actual-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c20cbe7-1c5a-4a8e-ae15-9f4c5305cce0Post:090e3802-8690-4bac-bbc4-372a24d594c7">Is it too bossy (demanding) to ask for gift cards instead of actual gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm just affraid that we will get too much of the same thing, also, I am hispanic and most of my people (hispanics) never even look at the registry most of the times and just buy random presents. But then again I definitely do not want to come off as bossy/demanding or just too high maintenance. What do you suggest?
Posted by Eli Rangel[/QUOTE]

Gifts are never to be expected or demanded in ANY form.

rlavach · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_bossy-demanding-ask-gift-cards-instead-of-actual-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c20cbe7-1c5a-4a8e-ae15-9f4c5305cce0Post:090e3802-8690-4bac-bbc4-372a24d594c7">Is it too bossy (demanding) to ask for gift cards instead of actual gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm just affraid that we will get too much of the same thing, also, I am hispanic and <strong>most of my people (hispanics) never even look at the registry most of the times and just buy random presents.</strong> But then again I definitely do not want to come off as bossy/demanding or just too high maintenance. What do you suggest?
Posted by Eli Rangel[/QUOTE]
Well, that's an incorrect generalization. I'm Cuban, live in a densely Hispanic neighborhood and have been to numerous showers for women of different Hispanic backgrounds. They've always received their registry items. There will always be a few who go off registry. That has nothing to do with your background or even region of the country. Some just want to give something they feel is more 'personal.' I've already received a few registry items & haven't even had my shower yet.<div>
</div><div>Just make sure that the registry cards are included in the shower invite (NOT the wedding invite). Whenever someone brings up your shower, say how much you are looking forward to using some of the items on your registry. Ask your mom/sisters/family to spread the word that you're excited about your registry.</div>

meganb1977 · February 2012

Yes unfortunately all you can do is to spread word of mouth that you are registered at X store if someone asks what you would like or where you are registered. Especially if people in your circle have a tendency to give boxed gifts instead of cash/gift cards I would make sure you register for things you would actually want. Perhaps people who don't consider your registry will get you similar items you can still use, or things you could exchange or re-gift.

HobokensFury · February 2012

It's rude and tacky. End of story. And buy the way your description of Hispanics is offensive.

jessicabessica · February 2012

Yes, it is bossy, demanding, and maybe some other things to tell people "I don't want whatever you might pick out on your own, and I don't trust you to look at my registry or get something nice, just get me a gift card."

Viczaesar · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_bossy-demanding-ask-gift-cards-instead-of-actual-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c20cbe7-1c5a-4a8e-ae15-9f4c5305cce0Post:73f318ee-016d-48d7-9327-8edf03fe4b3d">Re: Is it too bossy (demanding) to ask for gift cards instead of actual gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow snarky brides, give Eli Rangel a break!! Let's be honest, we all dread those 'grandma gifts' or the gifts people bring just for the sake of not showing up empty handed. I know a lot of people who have stressed over this topic. I have seen the best way to handle this--- On the invitations to the bridal shower (or if you include the registry list in your save-the-dates or wedding invite), it is usually indicated where you are registered. List the store(s) you are registered at and write in that you and your fiance' also enjoy shopping at ___. Or write "Our favorite place to shop is____". Lots of people write-in places like Lowes or Home Depot when they are doing home renovations. It's important to remember that (let's face it) this is just one of thoise things that people do. You are not MAKING anyone show up with gifts- it is a tradition. Some people won't bring a gift, and that's ok too. Anyone who tells you that you are a jerk for thinking like this is wrong, you're just the one to voice your concern. Ash
Posted by crashwee[/QUOTE]
1. Nothing about registries should go in wedding invitations or on STDs, period.
2. The bride and groom should not be writing anything on the shower invitation, as they are not the hosts and are not the ones sending out the invitations.

crashwee · February 2012

OK, so tell your MOH to write it on your bridal shower invites.
Regardless- you have to take the initiative to register (AKA- tag things you and your fiance' want/need), so by adding the "you and your fiance' also enjoy shopping at ___." or "Our favorite place to shop is____", you are just adding another option.

I guess you can't please everyone. Also, be careful what you post- as you may have noticed, this is a popular forum for bridezillas to over-analyze and judge every word you type.

Hopefully I have given you a helpful suggestion.

Happy planning

becky659 · February 2012

I see absolutely no problem with asking for gift cards, especially if your circumstances demand some creative gifting.
Our friends got married last year and I was more than happy to give the bride a big fat gift card to the store of her choice. I knew that like my FI and I, her and her husband were going through lots of housing changes and a gift card would be much more helpful than an actual present (which would have to be moved cross-country to their new home). Many people followed suit and she was thrilled. I personally added a few little extras (like a notepad personalized with their last name, ect in order to add a more personality and thoughtfulness to the gift of the card)

In my upcoming shower, I would be more than happy to accept gift cards.

KellyBrian2013 · February 2012

Showers are to "shower" the bride with physical gifts. It is inappropriate to have a shower without having a physical registry...

Ali092011 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_bossy-demanding-ask-gift-cards-instead-of-actual-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c20cbe7-1c5a-4a8e-ae15-9f4c5305cce0Post:6035854e-6e24-4328-bdc8-c541f665eedd">Re: Is it too bossy (demanding) to ask for gift cards instead of actual gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I see absolutely no problem with asking for gift cards, especially if your circumstances demand some creative gifting.</strong> Our friends got married last year and I was more than happy to give the bride a big fat gift card to the store of her choice. I knew that like my FI and I, her and her husband were going through lots of housing changes and a gift card would be much more helpful than an actual present (which would have to be moved cross-country to their new home). Many people followed suit and she was thrilled. I personally added a few little extras (like a notepad personalized with their last name, ect in order to add a more personality and thoughtfulness to the gift of the card) In my upcoming shower, I would be more than happy to accept gift cards.
Posted by becky659[/QUOTE]

Her "circumstances" are that she is afraid her Hispanic friends and family are not going to pick out gifts that she likes.

You can never demand gift cards because you can never demand gifts of any kind. Besides, if they aren't likely to buy from your registry, what makes you think they will listen to your wishes for gift cards?

Don't be rude and bossy and just be grateful for anything you receive.

About half of my guests are Mexican, and my FI already told me that in his hometown/region, people bring physical gifts to the wedding, and brides do not register. It's old-school tradition that the guests actually carry their gifts to the bride and groom's new home after the wedding. We will not be surprised if some of our friends bring appliances or even furniture to our wedding as gifts.

Some of those things may not be our taste or our style. We may not need some of them. But we will be grateful for anything we receive and are not worried about what people will choose to give us as a gift.

Tandra&Devin · February 2012

Wow, really. Just a friendly FYI, the "don't put registry info on the wedding invites" is NOT a universal thing. My FI was baffled that I didn't want to include this in ours, as it was perfect custom in his circles growing up (mostly Mormons in UT) to see a minor registry note at the bottom of the wedding invitation.

A deviation, but I do agree that some on the registry/etiquette boards are too uptight. Traditions change, etiquette changes. It's perfectly acceptable for brides to wear short dresses, no sleeves, flip flops, not have a wedding cake, not include "obey" in their vows, have a "man of honor" or walk with someone other than their father down the aisle. There's really no one-size-fits-all approach to anything, even etiquette rules.

jessicabessica · February 2012

<div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_bossy-demanding-ask-gift-cards-instead-of-actual-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c20cbe7-1c5a-4a8e-ae15-9f4c5305cce0Post:659ffd36-01dc-4a5c-bfcd-134cb6b6c3c1">Re: Is it too bossy (demanding) to ask for gift cards instead of actual gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, really. Just a friendly FYI, the "don't put registry info on the wedding invites" is NOT a universal thing. My FI was baffled that I didn't want to include this in ours, as it was perfect custom in his circles growing up (mostly Mormons in UT) to see a minor registry note at the bottom of the wedding invitation. A deviation, but I do agree that some on the registry/etiquette boards are too uptight. Traditions change, etiquette changes. It's perfectly acceptable for brides to wear short dresses, no sleeves, flip flops, not have a wedding cake, not include "obey" in their vows, have a "man of honor" or walk with someone other than their father down the aisle. There's really no one-size-fits-all approach to anything, even etiquette rules.
Posted by Tandra&Devin[/QUOTE]

<div>All the things you listed at the end are not etiquette issues, they're traditions (for some, not even universal traditions). Etiquette is about making your guests feel comfortable. While some of my guests might have been disappointed that we didn't have a giant wedding cake, we had plenty of good desserts and there was no problem, etiquette-wise. </div><div>
</div><div>And yes, people come on here and say that they've seen registry info on a wedding invitation. That doesn't make it proper etiquette. I wouldn't go up to a friend and say, "I have a birthday coming up next week, here's a list of things I would like in case you want to get me something."</div></div>

Tandra&Devin · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_bossy-demanding-ask-gift-cards-instead-of-actual-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c20cbe7-1c5a-4a8e-ae15-9f4c5305cce0Post:478df32d-860d-412d-b34d-051f9d7970f0">Re: Is it too bossy (demanding) to ask for gift cards instead of actual gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it too bossy (demanding) to ask for gift cards instead of actual gifts? : All the things you listed at the end are not etiquette issues, they're traditions (for some, not even universal traditions). Etiquette is about making your guests feel comfortable. While some of my guests might have been disappointed that we didn't have a giant wedding cake, we had plenty of good desserts and there was no problem, etiquette-wise. And yes, people come on here and say that they've seen registry info on a wedding invitation. That doesn't make it proper etiquette. I wouldn't go up to a friend and say, "I have a birthday coming up next week, here's a list of things I would like in case you want to get me something."
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

Etiquette, like everything else, is a matter of pure opinion. My FI comes from a culture where it is completely unheard of to have a wedding ceremony in public, and not properly dressed, i.e., shoulders and bust completely covered. The culture I grew up in is quite different. Modesty and such ARE matters of etiquette, and like I said, it's completely all opinion. As you stated, what is comfortable for you and your guests is appropriate. It's definitely a fine line to tread, but we live and learn.

As long as things are done honestly, and the OP is open and communicative with people, I really don't think any blood feuds are going to be started over a request for cash/cash substitutes. If someone does get offended, it's a simple matter of going to them and apologizing and restating that your intentions were not to offend. After that, it's in the hands of the guest.

Summer2011Bride · February 2012

OP: Do not ask for gift cards, or any gifts, as a matter of fact. We received plenty of gift cards to the stores where we registered without specifically asking for them. Many guests will just take it upon themselves to buy those in lieu of physical gifts.

If you choose not to register for physical gifts though, you should forego all showers.

And etiquette and tradition are not the same thing. Etiquette is like good manners. It is poor etiquette to ask guests to pay for their own meal at your wedding or ask for gifts. Traditions are things like how to dress, where you to hold ceremonies, the vows you say, etc. None of those things impact the manners and politeness I show my guests. Asking them for gift cards, however, does. They are two totally different things.

froggatt.clare · February 2012

OP, one other great thing about registering? Some ppl see where you are registered, realize it is a store you like, and get you a gift card from that store on their own. People are smart and know what will be useful to set up a household.

ebediako · February 2012

I think what Aku is saying that it depends what "society", though. Etiquette is dependent on culture. Something that's good etiquette in the U.S. is rude in Japan, something that's rude in Japan is fine in Kenya, and so forth. For example, in some cultures, it's bad etiquette to eat all the food off your plate, while in others, if you don't eat the food you're given, you seem ungrateful.

Back to wedding gifts, I know that my Bengali friend said it's bad manners to give rounded number cash gifts (as in, don't give $100 dollars, give $101). In my culture, it's bad manners to even give money (it's like you're insulting the bride's family by implying that they couldn't afford the bride price), you give food instead. Can you imagine how rude you'd be considered if you gave food at the average American wedding??

My point is just that to me, I think it's okay if Eli Rangel says to her parents and bridal party, hey, please spread the word that we prefer gift cards. Just the same as how Emily Post says that you can have your parents and bridal party spread the word if a couple prefers cash. Ultimately, the people at your wedding want to get you what you want. There are ways to subtly imply it without sounding ill-mannered or demandin.

micls · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_bossy-demanding-ask-gift-cards-instead-of-actual-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c20cbe7-1c5a-4a8e-ae15-9f4c5305cce0Post:65753f32-d75d-46cb-820f-7cda90fc9eaa">Re: Is it too bossy (demanding) to ask for gift cards instead of actual gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]. If you choose not to register for physical gifts though, you should forego all showers.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

What? Why? Are people incapable of choosing gifts without a registry?!

micls · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_bossy-demanding-ask-gift-cards-instead-of-actual-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c20cbe7-1c5a-4a8e-ae15-9f4c5305cce0Post:cd08cef2-cb0c-47e1-921d-ba724b784d5e">Re: Is it too bossy (demanding) to ask for gift cards instead of actual gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not necessary to have a registry. Lots of brides have showers with no registry. They should be prepared to get a pile of picture frames and random gifts, though. CASH showers are rude.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I didn't realise there was such a thing as a cash shower!

We don't do registries where I'm from, random gifts all the way :) That said, I'm not having a shower so it's not really an issue for me.

Is it too bossy (demanding) to ask for gift cards instead of actual gifts?

Re: Is it too bossy (demanding) to ask for gift cards instead of actual gifts?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards