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Getting married for a 2nd time... I want something small and private, he wants BIG (his first weddin

ok, so I have been married once before and have been so unmotivated to plan this wedding and I feel guilty... Bc I know how much it costs... and that is just not a road I want to go down again... My ex and I put ourselves into some serious debt with our wedding... I simply do not want to spend that kind of money again.... There is no way to do a small intimate wedding with my Fiance because he has a big Italian family and a ton of friends.... I want to take just our immediate family to LBI in NJ and get married on the beach bc it's one of our favorite places.... However, I am terrified that he is going to regret not having a big wedding if thats the route we decide to go... Any thoughts or advice from others who are having similar thoughts as I am?

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Re: Getting married for a 2nd time... I want something small and private, he wants BIG (his first weddin

  • I have no idea what LBI is, since I don't live in New Jersey. 

    However, have you showed him what things cost?  Have you shown him that the AVERAGE wedding in the US is about 26,000?  I find that my DH has no idea about the costs of things.  Thankfully, it was his idea to have a private ceremony on a beach in Key West, so we went on the cheap, and had a great "weddingmoon" as they are called these days.  I think that discussion needs to be first, and then go from there. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited September 2012
    Budget, budget, budget ... sit down with him and start with how much you have (together) to spend on the wedding.  Get him to do the leg work on pricing out venues, catering, photography and attire.  Then sit down and work through it.  This is a good way for the two of you to learn the art of compromise.  Good luck!!

    Edited for clarity.
  • The prior posters have given you some good advice.

    When I got married last August, it was my first wedding, but my husband's 3rd. He had never had a "big wedding", and I'd had none at all. However, we planned a wedding together we could afford.

    I like the idea of giving your fiance a glance at what things cost. Prices have probably gone up since you planned your last wedding that caused a debt problem. It makes no sense to plan a one day event that puts you in debt and all you have are great memories and pictures.

    We planned our wedding over an 18 month period. We chose a wedding date out in advance, knowing roughly how many guests we'd have and how much we could afford, and save before then. Here's my recommendation:

    - Decide between you how much you can afford. It's worthwhile to find out if either set of parents is willing to contribute, in a nice inquisitive way. Most people today (I've been on the Knot for almost 3 years) pay for their own weddings, with perhaps a small contribution from the parents. My husband's Mom did not contribute, which was fine. My parents were able to contribute $1000, which covered the cost of the venue rental. However, understand with outside contributions that you sometimes lose control of the final guest count and other issues surrounding your wedding. The money talks.

    - Look at alternatives: Friday night and Sunday weddings often cost less; "out of season" weddings from November through March also can be cheaper to plan as the wedding business is slower then. These, together with a guest list that represents the people you REALLY REALLY have to have there are the ways to reduce the cost a lot. Remind him it's not a competition with all the weddings he's ever attended in his life: it can be classy and elegant even within the budget.

    - Certain geographic areas and ethnic groups have expectations of what a wedding should be. I've watched "Four Weddings" on TLC, and am shocked at how much food is offered at weddings on the east coast just for appetizers! In the midwest that is pretty much unheard of. If you are doing this on a budget that only the 2 of you are providing, you may have to reduce expectations or spend a lot of time searching for the best price.

    - Your best source on info will be your local wedding board (see "Local Wedding Boards" to the left). They can offer advice on prices, venues, and all the vendors you may want to hire.

    As Lisa said, it IS a way to learn the art of compromise. Make sure you take into account not just what you want your wedding to look like, but make an honest assessment of what you want your MARRIAGE to look like afterward...........how important is finding a house, starting a family, being debt free to do these things? These real issues can dampen the enthusiasm of a large wedding dream pretty fast. I'm sure you learned from your first experience things that you can explain in a non-judgmental way to your fiance.

    If he is handy, or willing to contribute talent or negotiating skills, you can plan your wedding together and he can do things, make things, get a second job to afford the wedding he wants to pay for.

    Good luck.
  • One should not go in debt over their wedding, set a realistic budget and plan to that.  My hubby and I talked about how much money we were each willing to contribute toward our event - and that set our budget. 

    Because I was willing to do several things myself (flowers, center pieces, invtations) and unwilling to pay through the nose for other items (shopped sales, negotiated, and won items) we were able to have the wedding of our dreams and came in under budget. 

  • It's his first wedding.  He's the one who wants a bigger wedding.  He's the one with the large family he wants to invite.  Tell me, please, why you are the one trying to figure all this out?

     I'd suggest telling him that you want him to have the wedding he wants, so long as he can do it within a budget that makes sense for the two of you.  Then step back and let him plan it, consulting with you once he has a proposed budget.  Either he comes up with a plan that works, or he himself realizes that what he wants can't be done for a budget you can live with, and decides on a simpler approach.
  • Please eradicate the guilt part - or agree to work on it! This is a second for both of us. My first had the big church, the cake, the showers - he didn't even have cake and borrowed a ring from his future FIK to get through the ceremony. He has no concept whatsoever (and that is not restricted to just wedding related items!) of cost and the overall expense of planning. I'm not sure I read your expectation of when you will marry. Sit down with him on what you think you can afford first. That is your starting point. chances are - you will do much planning without his input, or input that pushes it for you to decide. That's fine - as LNG as you know here your financial boundaries are. LBI - Lomg Beach Island? You have so much good advice prior to my post! Talk with him honestly and sincerely. Then, go fromthere. Congratulations!
    ~~Mendi~~ ...Everyone has their price; mine's chocolate Photobucket
  • Thanks for all the great suggestions but since I have written this post we have decided to do it close to home, and made some great plans. Very exciting!!!!
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