Is it rude to offer?

Carla1019 · February 2012

My MOH is hosting my wedding shower and she said I can invite 75 people. Once I sent her the list she mentioned that she hopes she can feed everyone for $300.

I don't think her budget is enough so I was going to cut the list a little and offer to contribute to her budget for food and drinks. Will this make her feel bad or should I stay out of it?

adamar15 · February 2012

Why do you think she won't be able to feed 75 people for $300? I think I spent about $400 on food for the wedding, and still had leftovers.

strlzfan11 · February 2012

I would cut the list (unless you've already given it to her), but not offer to chip in.

Carla1019 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-to-offer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b59f9d91-9a2a-4f14-83ed-b1f835261350Post:cbceb662-57ec-4ab3-beac-564cfc87e2ad">Re: Is it rude to offer?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would cut the list (unless you've already given it to her), but not offer to chip in.
Posted by strlzfan11[/QUOTE]

Yes, I have given her the list after she told me to invite 75 people.

adamar15 · February 2012

I really wish TK would stop fucking up. Carla, why do you think she won't be able to feed 75 people for $300? I think I spent about $400 for my wedding, and still had a bunch of leftovers. It was good food, too.

chelseamb11 · February 2012

I wouldn't chip in. I agree with waiting until the RSVPs come in. She told you how many people you could invite and that's what you did. I highly doubt everyone will come anyway. We invited about 50 to my shower and so far about 60-70% have accepted.

rebarobert2012 · February 2012

I don't think that you should offer to chip in. The shower is essentially a gift to the bride, and your MOH might take offense if you want to pay for part of it since she is the one hosting it. I would either cut the guest list some or look into what she is serving. It might be possible to feed that many people for that amount depending on what menu she has planned.

Hilraythebride · February 2012

I think if you offer to chip in it makes it look like what she can afford and has offered isn't good enough. I am sure not everyone is going to come to the shower especially if it is OOT. I would not offer to chip in, I am sure it will be lovely.

2010Bride2be · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-to-offer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b59f9d91-9a2a-4f14-83ed-b1f835261350Post:6edee675-6fc6-41f3-82b5-f8565b963902">Re: Is it rude to offer?</a>:
[QUOTE]I<strong> think if you offer to chip in it makes it look like what she can afford and has offered isn't good enough.</strong> I am sure not everyone is going to come to the shower especially if it is OOT. I would not offer to chip in, I am sure it will be lovely.
Posted by Hilraythebride[/QUOTE]

This. She has offered to host the shower. Offering to chip in is basically saying, 'I don't think what you're doing is good enough, so here is some extra money to make it better'.

Carla1019 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-to-offer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b59f9d91-9a2a-4f14-83ed-b1f835261350Post:c619fc3f-3b63-4ffd-97bd-bf805783afb5">Re: Is it rude to offer?</a>:
[QUOTE]I really wish TK would stop fucking up. Carla, why do you think she won't be able to feed 75 people for $300? I think I spent about $400 for my wedding, and still had a bunch of leftovers. It was good food, too.
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

The shower would be around dinner time. She wants to BBQ and provide alcohol. In our circle we don't do finger foods. We are big eaters and drinkers. 75 is close friends and family including kids. I think out of 75 maybe 60 will come.

Last time I had a BBQ at my house with only 20 people I spent $200.

ETA: I won't offer to chip in unless I know she will appreciate it.

2010Bride2be · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-to-offer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b59f9d91-9a2a-4f14-83ed-b1f835261350Post:b3ba0261-dec7-4f44-b84c-b0201c6d50d6">Re: Is it rude to offer?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it rude to offer? : The shower would be around dinner time. She wants to BBQ and provide alcohol. In our circle we don't do finger foods. We are big eaters and drinkers. 75 is close friends and family including kids. I think out of 75 maybe 60 will come. Last time I had a BBQ at my house with only 20 people I spent $200. ETA: I won't offer to chip in unless I know she will appreciate it.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

That changes things. If she's trying to put on a full on BBQ with alcohol, she's going to need more than $300....unless she's an extreme couponer..<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />. Our superbowl party was only 15 people and I think I came in just below that amount.
Even so, I would let her handle it unless she says otherwise.

froggatt.clare · February 2012

I agree with PPs, hold off on offering to help. If she talks about the cost a lot, suggest cutting down the list (maybe saying something like "Well my mom's best friend's Great Aunt Myrtle doesn't really need to come). She could feel hurt if you offer to contribute.

I don't buy meat that much, but are you BBQing chickens and steaks? Can she switch it to burgers and dogs? That might cut the cost.

Carla1019 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-to-offer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b59f9d91-9a2a-4f14-83ed-b1f835261350Post:5bf5c297-b4d7-435f-a455-260376dbf123">Re: Is it rude to offer?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it rude to offer? : This might be true but it sounds a little bit snobby. If you're that concerned about it then you can always decline the shower. Your ETA sounds a little snobby also. Maybe you should try lowering your shower expectations, or like I said before decline altogether.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

Didn't mean to come off snobby. Actually I had no expectations for a shower and was pleasantly surprised when she offered. She gave me the head count and she said she wanted the BBQ with alcohol, so I don't understand how it is my expectations that are too high?

ETA: Declining the shower would hurt her feelings, I'll cut the guest list.

Carla1019 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-to-offer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b59f9d91-9a2a-4f14-83ed-b1f835261350Post:1d9ca885-7396-4635-a7d7-2b006875385b">Re: Is it rude to offer?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it rude to offer? : Your previous post said your family isn't used to finger foods. I got a snobby vibe from that. Sorry if I misunderstood. I woiuld just let this go. You might be worrying for nothing.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

Not snobby just the situation of my family and friends. Just as if I said my family eats mostly Italian food and I decided to serve Mexican food. There is nothing wrong with either just a preference.

cpm1223 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-to-offer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b59f9d91-9a2a-4f14-83ed-b1f835261350Post:edc247bb-2b9a-429f-8917-f8bbbc56b55f">Re: Is it rude to offer?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it rude to offer? : Not snobby just the situation of my family and friends. Just as if I said my family eats mostly Italian food and I decided to serve Mexican food. There is nothing wrong with either just a preference.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

I don't think you're coming off as rude by saying that you family doesnt do finger foods....when my family (parents and brother) and I go out to dinner we never order an appetizer. FI's family always orders apps...so I get what you mean about not being "into" finger foods. I think the finger foods can be more of a pain and cost more than just serving a larger meal sometimes since there would have to be more of a variety in foods.

I'd cut the list down, and if she asks why just say that you wanted it to only be your nearest & dearest.

Carla1019 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-rude-to-offer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b59f9d91-9a2a-4f14-83ed-b1f835261350Post:5d8d8820-fac7-4c1c-9b2f-720dd5d44f16">Re: Is it rude to offer?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it rude to offer? : I don't think you're coming off as rude by saying that you family doesnt do finger foods....when my family (parents and brother) and I go out to dinner we never order an appetizer. FI's family always orders apps...so I get what you mean about not being "into" finger foods. I think the finger foods can be more of a pain and cost more than just serving a larger meal sometimes since there would have to be more of a variety in foods. I'd cut the list down, and if she asks why just say that you wanted it to only be your nearest & dearest.
Posted by cpm1223[/QUOTE]

Thanks! Great idea in order to spare any hurt feelings.

Carla1019 · February 2012

In my FI culture every baby shower, wedding shower, kids party, etc is always a big meal with drinks and lasts for several hours. Even if the invitation says 3pm, everyone comes at 5pm and stays til after midnight.

So your right, the best thing to do is cut the guest list.

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