Does anyone ever feel like they're babysitting?

Re: Does anyone ever feel like they're babysitting?

• LizziebeeUT

  

  December 2011

  Did he grow up with a mother who did everything for him? He may not realize that a marriage is a partnership, and he needs to be pulling his own weight. Especially if he is not working full time.
  
  Do you think its possible that he's suffering from depression? I know it can be very hard to motivated to do things when you're in a low point in your life.

  

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• RamonaFlowers member

  

  December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anyone-ever-feel-like-theyre-babysitting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:a06f82d8-29e2-4efd-949b-8b7ff8da67d0Post:2548b5bf-720a-442b-9f4e-3e5a0320eed5">Re: Does anyone ever feel like they're babysitting?</a>:
  [QUOTE] I'm sorry, but having to remind my FI/H to seek employment is not something I'd settle for. He should KNOW it's necessary to do.
  Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]
  
  
  As far as chores and helping around the house goes, I've never really had to ask him to do stuff. He is definitely the "adult" in his relationship with his mom, so actually, he usually winds up taking care of things like laundry and dishes before I even get a chance to notice they need to be done.
  
  As for looking for a job? Ditto what I quoted. That's not something you should be "reminding" an adult you want to marry to do. Unless he's got a trust fund or something, being gainfully employed is something he should know is beyond important.

  
  

  *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
  

  
  

  
  

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• MyUserName1 member

  

  December 2011

  That's how I felt with my EX husband.  Emphasis on Ex.  I had very little patience for that shiit and grew to resent him for it.

  
  

  Darth FI is a real adult type person whom i (almost) never have to nag.  It's awesome.

  
  

  I wish i had some helpful advice on how to get your DH to morph into a real adult.

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• thousandtrees

  

  December 2011 edited December 2011

  My FI is pretty good about tidying, but does not see dirt until it's gotten gross and is rather forgetful, puts things in strange places. I feel your pain, but - sometimes the tables turn. In my case, when I was out of work I got to feeling really down and some days struggled to do the smallest things. FI was there every day encouraging me to keep looking for a job. 

  
  

  I tell ya, if I had a dollar for every time I had to ask him to hang up his towel! 

  
  

  Sometimes I have to leave him reminders to do things, and sometimes it seems like his arms are just painted on, but I always try to remember that I forget things too. For example, I leave my shoes all over the place; he reminds me to put them in the closet. It may seem one-sided but it often is not I may accuse him of hiding my favourite tea, but actually he was just putting it away.

  
  

  If I could add any advice, it's to laugh about it even when you want to shout at him, like when I discovered FI had put the bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol in the fridge for some reason. Or, just push his laundry to one side, wash your own and say "oh, was that laundry? I wasn't sure because you didn't put it in the basket". Passive agressive can sometimes be useful for making a point. Do you have a household system for doing chores? He may just be clueless as to how things need to get done!

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• Juris11

  

  December 2011

  I agree with the PP who said when we first moved in together there was some time before we got settled into our routine with household tasks. He never didn't do any chores though, and I would not be ok with having to remind him to look for a job. He sounds kind of lazy and unmotivated, and I would have a big problem with that.

  *This is not legal advice*

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• egeurts

  

  December 2011

  Yup. I agree with PP who said your best defense is humor. If you can turn your frustration into wit, and joke around with him, it will get things done better, remind him to do it next time, and make you feel less naggy. The more overly dramatic you make it, the worse it gets, so just shrug it off, be patient, try to make light of it, and it'll be fine. 

  
  

  My FI has the attention span of a 5 year old, and most of the time just gets distracted by other things. I ask him to do stuff 8 times before he actually does it. He will do it, and he will even do it if I don't ask him to (when he gets on a cleaning spree- look out- the entire house will smell like pinesol) but our timelines for when things need to be done are different. If I want something done by a certain time, either I do it, or I need to remind him (in a nice, usually fun, way) a bajillion times. As you put it, sometimes this makes me feel like a babysitter, but after living together for 3-4 years now, we've just figured out that's how we work together. 

  
  

  Good luck. 

  

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• entropicbeauty member

  

  December 2011

  My FI is unemployed right now too. He's tried a couple of different times to be an entrepreneur but he's too trusting and ends up getting royally screwed over so it's hard for him to get motivated to put himself back out there. I do feel like I'm babysitting him a lot of the time though when I do have to remind him to do simple shiit over and over and over again.
   
  I  think it's really easy when you DON'T have a set schedule in your life to let everything sort of fall apart. Let him go at his own pace but definitely nudge him in the direction he needs to go.
  
  It took me all four years of dating my FI to finally get him to go back to school. He gave up 5 years ago when some things went poorly in school and even when he finally decided to go back I've had to remind him a billion times when his paperwork is due and when he has to register for classes etc. It makes me feel like his mother, but I'd rather nag him than have him forget or neglect to do it and then beat himself up when he's missed a deadline.

  

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• alynne1113 member

  

  December 2011

  I feel the same way sometimes, But I know it isn't DH fault, his parents did everything for him and any little bit of independance he tried to take they blew up over. Whenever he asked a question on how to do stuff ect, his Mom or Dad would say don't worry about it.
  So, Instead of nagging him about things I try and teach him, may sound stupid but he didn't even know how to deal with his bank account, or register his vehicle ect.
  So he is learning. I have been very independant my entire life and moved out at 16 so it seems baffling to me that he doesn't know how to do these simple things.
  I also had to help him apply for jobs since he worked for his Dad for 10 years and had never done a resume or had an interview.
  
  We have agreed we will not raise our children this way. His sister is 30 and her parents still pay her home, bills, cell phone, insurance ect.  and his family is very controlling so when I changed all DH bills into our name they flipped since now they have no way to control him.

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• jmconley08 member

  

  December 2011

  Thanks everyone for your kind advice. Yes, FI's mom did everything for him. She picked out his outfits for him for work and ironed them until we moved in together!! He didn't know what to match AT ALL. So it's probably mostly that.
  
  He has gotten better since we've lived together (for past 2 years) about doing somethings especially when I ask. But the applying for jobs thing has been irritating me the most. It's not that he doesn't want to work or isn't qualified, I feellike he just thinks a job will just fall into his lap.
  
  So we'll see. Until then, I nag. Merry Christmas!
  
  

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• mandctaft

  

  December 2011

  FI and are are both clean people, but we are very cluttered. Like, I don't leave half eaten plates of food on the table, but we'll have a stack of mail on the table from a month ago, because we don't want to throw it out, but we don't have a place for it. We both need to nag each other once in a while, but most of the time, we split chores. Like he'll cook dinner and I'll do the dishes. I vacuum and he does laundry. The only thing I get on his case about is folding the laundry. He just does it wrong (or not at all) and it bugs me. So he's lets me do it. How thoughtful... lol

  

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• LizziebeeUT

  

  December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anyone-ever-feel-like-theyre-babysitting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:a06f82d8-29e2-4efd-949b-8b7ff8da67d0Post:b931be77-403b-45f5-9edf-348f41c9d315">Re: Does anyone ever feel like they're babysitting?</a>:
  [QUOTE]Mine is very responsible, a great cook, and a wonderful housekeeper. He cannot dress himself at all.  I threw out all his orphan socks and bought new ones, because none of them matched - and he could care less.  <strong>He says he wears boots, so nobody sees them, and it doesn't matter if they match</strong>.  (Sigh....)  He also wants to keep ripped shirts and faded jeans "to work on the truck."  (I have to throw them out when his back his turned, and bury them deep in the trash bag). He needed a wife badly.
  Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
  
  haha! I'm the EXACT same way. My socks NEVER match. Though once they get holes in them I have to throw them away becuase it just drives me nuts to have any part of my foot poking through my sock.

  

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