Im not sure what to tell him?

cryssylee90 · December 2010

Hi all...Im new here...kind of. About 4 years ago I was engaged when I joined the knot but by the time my daughter was born he had completely changed and we went our separate ways.

Since then I have found the most amazing guy in the world. He treats me like his equal, unlike my last relationship, he loves me dearly, and he even treats my daughter like his own. When introduced to his friends and family he even introduced us as his family and Chloe was OUR daughter. It made my heart glow to realize what a wonderful guy I have.

We were both engaged once before and as he explained to me he was forced into his engagement. His ex went as far as buying the ring and telling him he could pay her back for it.

Because of his prior experience hes hesitant. We have both decided after a year and a half that we do want to get married some day soon. We know its going to happen and we have actually talked alot about our wedding and where it will be and how many people we want, etc. But he doesnt consider us engaged only because we cant fit an engagement ring into a budget.

Ive tried explaining to him that a big expensive ring isnt important to me, and being married to him is the only thing that matters but he doesnt seem to believe me and I think it has alot to do with the fact that his last ex cared more about her ring and her wedding than actually being married to him.

I dont know how to show him that I am not like that. I mean, I know he knows I am nothing like her, but I think hes afraid Ill be disappointed if I dont have a ring. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can make him belive that, although a ring is pretty, it isnt the most important thing in the world to me.

palmettogirl924 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-not-sure-tell-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5f0edcef-a717-4d84-8b7a-28df291bbe77Post:20832748-ee03-46cf-9190-4d2232ab558a">Im not sure what to tell him?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all...Im new here...kind of. About 4 years ago I was engaged when I joined the knot but by the time my daughter was born he had completely changed and we went our separate ways. Since then I have found the most amazing guy in the world. He treats me like his equal, unlike my last relationship, he loves me dearly, and he even treats my daughter like his own. When introduced to his friends and family he even introduced us as his family and Chloe was OUR daughter. It made my heart glow to realize what a wonderful guy I have. We were both engaged once before and as he explained to me he was forced into his engagement. His ex went as far as buying the ring and telling him he could pay her back for it. Because of his prior experience hes hesitant. We have both decided after a year and a half that we do want to get married some day soon. We know its going to happen and we have actually talked alot about our wedding and where it will be and how many people we want, etc. But he doesnt consider us engaged only because we cant fit an engagement ring into a budget. Ive tried explaining to him that a big expensive ring isnt important to me, and being married to him is the only thing that matters but he doesnt seem to believe me and I think it has alot to do with the fact that his last ex cared more about her ring and her wedding than actually being married to him. I dont know how to show him that I am not like that. I mean, I know he knows I am nothing like her, but I think hes afraid Ill be disappointed if I dont have a ring. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can make him belive that, although a ring is pretty, it isnt the most important thing in the world to me.
Posted by cryssylee90[/QUOTE]

Just try to enjoy your relationship for what it is at the moment. It is truly amazing that you have found such a great guy. And the fact that he cares so much for both you and your daughter is incredible. Many people would probably love to have that kind of relationship.

If the ONLY reason he is not asking you to marry him at the moment is because of the ring, you could always suggest that you don't even want a ring- all you need is the wedding band. You could find an inexpensive wedding band somewhere- try Blue Nile. After Christmas lots of these stores have sales.

I would make sure though that the expense of the ring is the ONLY thing holding him back. Maybe because of his prior relationship he is still just a bit hesitant to jump into an engagement and marriage. Best of luck. Remember: be thankful and happy for what you have at the moment!

heyimbren · December 2010

Do you have any involvement in choosing the style of ring? Do you have any preference? I know a lot of people prefer Asha or Moissanite as an alternative to diamond (or any kind of stone really). If that's the case, when you two are discussing this you could let him know what it is you like.

Other than that, all you can really do is tell him that and it's up to him to believe you. It's hard to get over past relationships, but it's necessary in order to properly move on in new ones.

orangecrush32 · December 2010

If the ring is the only thing holding him back, just try and show him what sort of ring you would like. Something not too fancy, and not out of your budget (I'm assuming that's what you want since you said the ring isn't important.) If you give him ideas of the type of ring you'd like, maybe he'll see that you're serious when you say the ring isn't the important part, it's being engaged and getting married to him.

joiner521 · December 2010

It sounds like he is using the ring thing as a excuse to me. There is more to the story than he is telling you.

mzm153 · December 2010

I would tell him to just throw in any ring or even that no ring is necessary. It really sounds like you're not like his exs, but he's still traumatized. Hate to say that, but if he makes clear he doesn't have any interest in getting married at all, don't try to convince him to do it and just move on.

misskrysbaby · December 2010

I agree, you can suggest an inexpensive ring if you'd like, and make him understand that a ring isn't important to you, but that's as far as I would go. It seems as if he needs to do this on his own time, however long that may be, because of his prior experiences. Pressuring him any further than that is only going to turn him off more to the idea.

Just look up some rings that ARE within budget, or a reasonably saved for budget, and present him with those, telling him the ring does not have to extravagant. If he's still iffy and wants to wait, then leave it at that. There is probably more to it than the ring issue if he's still iffy after that.

If it is truly the ring and budgeting for it, I think that's quite admirable that your man is thinking within budget and not springing for a huge purchase until you two are financially sound and can afford it. That's a good trait for your potential spouse to have.

Goldlie11 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-not-sure-tell-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5f0edcef-a717-4d84-8b7a-28df291bbe77Post:20832748-ee03-46cf-9190-4d2232ab558a">Im not sure what to tell him?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all...Im new here...kind of. About 4 years ago I was engaged when I joined the knot but by the time my daughter was born he had completely changed and we went our separate ways. Since then I have found the most amazing guy in the world. He treats me like his equal, unlike my last relationship, he loves me dearly, and he even treats my daughter like his own. When introduced to his friends and family he even introduced us as his family and Chloe was OUR daughter. It made my heart glow to realize what a wonderful guy I have. We were both engaged once before and as he explained to me he was forced into his engagement. His ex went as far as buying the ring and telling him he could pay her back for it. Because of his prior experience hes hesitant. We have both decided after a year and a half that we do want to get married some day soon. We know its going to happen and we have actually talked alot about our wedding and where it will be and how many people we want, etc. But he doesnt consider us engaged only because <strong>we cant fit an engagement ring into a budget.</strong> Ive tried explaining to him that a big expensive ring isnt important to me, and being married to him is the only thing that matters but he doesnt seem to believe me and I think it has alot to do with the fact that his last ex cared more about her ring and her wedding than actually being married to him. I dont know how to show him that I am not like that. I mean, I know he knows I am nothing like her, but I think hes afraid Ill be disappointed if I dont have a ring. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can make him belive that, although a ring is pretty, it isnt the most important thing in the world to me.
Posted by cryssylee90[/QUOTE]
Normally I don't think that engagement rings are a reflection of one's financial situation. However, the way that you put it, makes me wonder how you will pay for the wedding if you can't come up with the money for a ring. Rings definitely don't have to cost a lot. You can go with a created stone to save money. Also, department stores have a lot of sales and usually carry some inexpensive rings. <div>
</div><div>One thing that helped my fiance and I was sitting and having a conversation about expectations. I let him know that the most important thing to me was that we was comfortable with whatever he was spending. I told him that I could find a ring I love within almost any budget. I ended up with a moderate priced ring that I love to death. </div>

Im not sure what to tell him?

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