Don't know what to say, do, think.....???

mappie122 · September 2012

I will be 40 in April of next year. I'm a single mother of 1 son. I finally thought I found someone. We had been dating on and off for 3 years and last year became a couple. I moved in with him thinking this is it. My son is with me. Well earlier this year we decided to get married next year January. He gave me the ring. I was so excited, I told friends, starting planning, and buying things. I even started my DIYs. A few weeks ago he said he didn't want to get married. Some might say, "Great, at least he was honest." And I guess this is true. But I'm left so confused, and very hurt. I just don't understand it. We hadn't gotten into any arguments or anything. The house is clean, dinner is cooked, I work full time and go to school. He says he loves me and wants us to stay together. He says he's content on the way we are right now and doesn't see why we should have to get married. I'm numb right now. Don't know if I should take my son and leave. Or stay and just live like this. I wanted it so badly. I just feel so unworthy right now I don't know what to do. Plus I have all this stuff for the wedding just sitting in the corner staring at me everyday. I feel like a 40 yo fool. I love him very much. I just want to run away.

firsttimersluck · September 2012

It sounds like he has commitment issues, if this is as simple as you are making it out to be.. You two need a serious sit-down, knock-out talk about how you both feel regarding the topic, and how you both feel regarding each other.Obviously, we don't have the nitty gritty details of your relationship and what led up to this...

If that doesn't help you get on the same page, I would consider couple's counseling for another point of view. If you just accept that you went from being engaged back to a dating couple, you will feel resentment and the hurt will just continue to sting.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this kind of stress

MaggieandJake · September 2012

ditto PP. I would ask him what it is about marriage that makes him not want to follow through with it. From your post it seems that he still wants to be with you and it's not necessarily your relationship that he's questioning, but the label. I do think that he needs to be up front with you about what he wants and how he feels for both your sake and your child's. I would be upset too! It's not fair for him to make a committment to you (agreeing to set a date/buying a ring, etc) and then backing out, BUT still wanting to be with you. IMO, he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too-either he's committed to your relationship for the long-haul, or he's not. If he's not, you and your son have the right to walk away. I'm sorry that you're going through this! I hope that talking it out with him or counseling helps!

aloisk57 · September 2012

Ditto PPs about talking this issue out with him. However, I also feel you shouldn't have to "convince" someone to stay with you...if marriage really is that important to you then it might be time to move and and find someone who will commit to you in that way. I'm sorry you're going through this

sparkles776 · September 2012

I am sorry you are going through this, I would also be so hurt and confused. I completely agree with Maggie- he shouldnt get to have his cake and eat it to, he is either in it forever or you and your son should walk away.

Meghannsix · September 2012

I'm sorry you're going through this! I feel like I went through the same thing. Last year, before we got engaged, my FI and I had been together for four years, living together, pretty much as a family with my two kids for about 1 1/2 years. Everything was wonderful. We had talked marriage in the past, and he practically hyperventillated. I decided that it wasn't worth arguing over. Things were great, who cared if we weren't married? You know what? I did. I cared a lot about it. It consumed me, for months. I finally got my thoughts together, and sat him down and we talked about it. He had no idea how important it was to me, what a big deal it was to me. Now we're engaged, and getting married next summer. Communication is huge. Talk to him, talk to a counselor. Good luck!

zantster · September 2012

I love this quote from Maya Angelou that says, to paraphrase, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Your SO told you that he does not want to get married and he is content the way things are. He's made his position on the subject crystal clear. Believe him. Do not try to convince or change him.

It is he who has thrown down the ultimatum, which is that you either accept a relationship without marriage or leave the relationship. He's testing you. Now you have to decide to either accept his ultimatum and be unhappy since you said you want to be married. Or gather your courage, wipe your tears, get ready to move and tell him that you accept his choice, that you respect his right to feel that way and you want him to be happy and that you are likewise making your choice so that you can be happy by leaving a situation that you cannot live with. I had a commitment phobe SO. Leaving was the best thing in the world that I did for myself and now I am marrying the man of my dreams. Best of all my FI cannot wait to marry me, which is a fantastic feeling. You deserve to have a man who feels that way about you. Don't settle for less. Being alone is always better than being with someone who doesn't value your worth.

Don't know what to say, do, think.....???

Re: Don't know what to say, do, think.....???

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