Flowergirl Drama

SpringJ · May 2011

My fiancee has two little half sisters (ages 5 & 7). They will both be flowergirls. The 5-year-old is so excited and is easy to work with. The 7-year-old wants to wear pants under her flowergirl dress. I told her a firm but kind 'no' when we were trying on the dresses. She asked to wear Capri pants. I gave her another 'no' a little more firm. She finally asked to wear shorts. I told her that I would have to see, but we could talk about this option.

My future mother-in-law has been telling the 7-year-old that she can wear Capri pants, and that I promised her this. I have since talked my future MIL and FIL thinking that the matter was finally settled.

My bridal shower was last weekend, and it is about one month until the wedding. My MIL told me mother that the 7-year-old will be wearing Capri pants at the wedding, and she announced that she was able to stop the 7-year-old from thinking she could wear sweatpants under the dress. I am beyond words with anger over the whole situation.

How can I make it clear my wishes for the wedding, and how can I do so without loosing my cool completely. I am worried that I will have to make the 7-year-old sit in the cry room of the church during the service becuase I will not allow her to walk with the capris pants.

ast284 · May 2011

Is she wearing a short dress? Will the pants show?

CanadianGurl · May 2011

Being a mom of a younger kid (my oldest is almost 3), I don't know much about 7-year-olds, but when my DS has something in his head, I swear, he will remember it and stick to it for months, and if I (or someone else) promises him something, he will never let me forget it.

I don't think you can make it any more clear what your wishes for the flower girls' attire is than you already have. I think your best bet is to give in, find the kid a white (or whatever color the dress is) pair of capris, leggins, short-shorts, whatever and let her wear them underneath. In the end, how many pictures will she really be in, and how many of them will even show the shorts? Let your photographer know ahead of time about the shorts and to try to catch the photos at an angle that doesn't show them. If you make the kid happy, you're more likely to have things go smoothly on the wedding day, less chance of a meltdown. Can you convince her leotards are like pants?

SpringJ · May 2011

The dress is at a length that the capris will show. I am perfectly fine with shorts or some other kind of shorter pant, but she will not budge.

SpringJ · May 2011

I wish that I would convience her to wear anything pant like other than capris pants. Your message did help with my utter annoyance at the whole ordeal a little more. I just feel that it is so rude of the MIL and FIL to just make up their own minds about what to do. Neither of them have directly told me anything, they have only talked to my mother in passing at the bridal shower and through other people.
I just think I deserve more respect than to not be directly addressed on the matter. I am more than willing to find alternatives, but the dress is just at teh right length that capris will show. And the 7-year-old will only wear sweatpant versions of capris. The parents think that this is fine.

SilverLining1 · May 2011

Do you know WHY she wants to wear capris so badly? This info might help us help you.

tenofcups4me · May 2011

I'm going to sound so old here, but seriously whatever happened to parents just saying no? She's 7 FFS; she doesn't know how to dress properly but it's their job to make sure she does.

DramaGeek · May 2011

I don't know much about that age, but I wonder if you could bribe her. She can wear the pants before pictures and at the reception, but not during pictures or theceremony. I might even go so far as to offer something at the reception if she doesn't wear the pants to the ceremony, like her favorite song played even if you hate it (especially if you hate it and she knows that!), or a new toy or something.

Or, could you let her wear them but roll the legs up so the pants don't show?

HappinessByTheKilowatt · May 2011

A lot of stores sell those knee length leggings (used to be called bicycle shorts). For little girls, they often come with a lace edging at the bottom. I saw some recently-- maybe Old Navy or Target? Sounds like those would be a good option-- probably long enough for her but short enough to hide, unlike capris. GL

Soon2BeMrsTing · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_flowergirl-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46a8eb50-2741-43ae-a66a-8a2ccebc64c1Post:efe47d5b-ffa2-41ff-9480-7f721a5944a2">Re: Flowergirl Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to sound so old here, but seriously whatever happened to parents just saying no? She's 7 FFS; she doesn't know how to dress properly but it's their job to make sure she does.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

This. This. This.

Seriously. I heard a healthy amount of 'no's' in my childhood, and now I'm so glad for the boundaries my parents wisely set. H and I don't have children yet, so I'm hesitant to speak now about the ways we will and will not be raising future children, but... <em>for the love.</em> A parent needs to excercise some authority and discipline.

mkrupar · May 2011

I would try to find a pair of leggings like HBTK suggested or would tights work as a compromise? Honestly, your post makes you sound like you're dealing with this like a 7 year old. Try to find a solution instead of being upset that someone told someone told someone something.

pgcp · May 2011

FWIW, my daughters almost always wore shorts under dresses and skirts. Even with their semiformals through middle and high school, they would have a little pair. I too think that some bike shorts or short leggings might be the solution.

jessicabessica · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_flowergirl-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46a8eb50-2741-43ae-a66a-8a2ccebc64c1Post:e867f576-9a79-4daf-b0b3-7db88591c9e5">Re: Flowergirl Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I would try to find a pair of leggings like HBTK suggested or would tights work as a compromise? Honestly, your post makes you sound like you're dealing with this like a 7 year old. Try to find a solution instead of being upset that someone told someone told someone something.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. Get her some shorter capris or leggings that are the same color as the dress and have a little lace trim. I don't know why she wants to wear pants, but if it's just because she's never been told "no" before, do you really want your wedding to be the time for an attempt at modifying her behavior? Would you rather have some leggings sticking out under her dress in your photos or her making terrible faces the whole time?

jrkjpf · May 2011

I do not have any children of my own, but I have many nieces and nephews.
I can remember when all of my nieces, including myself, went through a stage around that age where they ALL refused to wear a dress, nice shirt, anything "pretty"...I think my mom calls it tom boy syndrome. I can recall being in my sisters wedding around the age of 6, and also wearing shorts under my dress, and to this day, i still do it. Maybe a comfort issue, or knowing you don't need be 100% lady like knowing you have extra attire on.

Give her the option of a pair of spandex short, or perhaps a nice white (or whatever color) of dressy leggings. Like other PP's said, if she isn't happy, she isn't going to smile for pictures and may be miserable and unresponsive for the night.

janinekk · May 2011

My MOH recently got married and has a 7 year old girl (previous marriage). I can tell you, that your wedding day is not the day you want a meltdown. My friends daughter had a full blown,kicking and screaming, hyperventilating meltdown as they were getting in the getaway car to leave. Granted, there were probably other issues here, but my MOH felt terrible and embarrased. I would definitely try to bribe her or find a compromise. Maybe you could tell her she has to wear the dress during ceremony and pics but could change into something else after? I've worked at many weddings, and the happiest kids are those who do not have to wear a poofy, itchy dress, with their hair pulled tight etc. for the whole night. I know many little girls who just don't like wearing dresses at that age.

midgetthemighty · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_flowergirl-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46a8eb50-2741-43ae-a66a-8a2ccebc64c1Post:b4991aea-6f80-46f2-8d52-a29e482255f0">Re: Flowergirl Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]FWIW, my daughters almost always wore shorts under dresses and skirts. Even with their semiformals through middle and high school, they would have a little pair. I too think that some bike shorts or short leggings might be the solution.
Posted by pgcp[/QUOTE]

One of my BMs wore shorts under her wedding dress. She hates the feeling of her legs rubbing together. I have a few more friends like this too.

OP, good luck with this situation. The other ladies gave great advice. I would try the leggings option and see how she likes that idea. Talk really excitedly about it - that might help. :)

MrsChasey · May 2011

Amen tenofcups4me! Just say no. If she won't go without capri's, just let the other flower girl do it alone.

tayylor65 · May 2011

If she was my child (and it had nothing to do with the dress irritating her skin) I'd say no and that'd be the end of it--or she wouldn't be a flower girl at all. That being said, since she isn't your daughter who you're worried about having authority with and her parents have told her what they have, I'd likely find a pair of shorts and leggings to try to make her happy for the sake of the wedding running smoothly.

katieisawesome · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_flowergirl-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46a8eb50-2741-43ae-a66a-8a2ccebc64c1Post:efe47d5b-ffa2-41ff-9480-7f721a5944a2">Re: Flowergirl Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to sound so old here, but seriously whatever happened to parents just saying no? She's 7 FFS; she doesn't know how to dress properly but it's their job to make sure she does.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

<div>A thousand times this. Tell her to suck it up and tell your in-laws to knock it the f* off immediately as it is not their decision.</div>

jdrose5 · May 2011

I would suggest talking to the girl. You need to get FI and his parents on board with you for one. You telling her NO and them telling her yes is a BIG issue.   I think FMIL, is just trying to pamper her daughter. (opps changed I misread the relationship.)

My daughter has sensory issues and so I am more flexiable when it comes to clothes issues. You comprimised with the shorts.   Maybe you can talk to her about wearing some capris or leggings that match and maybe have some lace for all times except during the ceremony and pictures.

Another suggestion is to let her know that you really want her to be included in the wedding but there is a certain attire she needs to wear and that doesn't include capris or pants, but that you are willing to meet her halfway and let her wear the shorts or leggings or capris at certain times.

doctabroccoli · May 2011

I wore shorts under my wedding dress. Yes I did! I can't wear dresses without something underneath. Just can't deal with it.

shytownkelly · May 2011

So this is a very interesting thread, many are in agreement that the 7 year old should just be told NO - wear the dress like I said because I said so.

Yet a few weeks ago there was a discussion about teenagers wearing short-shorts and hoodies to the reception and the party line was "you can't tell people what to wear to the wedding", even though we all agree that would be just trashy.

Interesting. Is it because she's 7? or because she's in the wedding party?

Personally - as a parent that went thru this stage with both of her girls - I would take the girl shopping. Find the compromise together. If you just show up with a pair of leggings or whatever - it won't matter she didn't pick it out therefore it won't work. (this age can be VERY Stubborn) Then take her for a little lunch or something fun. This age is big on being treated like a big kid (teenager) - not a baby (like she probably sees her younger sister).

sarabellam · May 2011

I think there is entirely too much childish behavior in this situation. Some of it even by the 7 year-old.

eviltwin13 · May 2011

Is this a typically developing, emotionally healthy 7 year old? If so, it shouldn't be impossible to come up with a strategy that works for her. I teach this age and most kids are in the developmental stage where it's important to them to please adults and follow the rules. If the child is told, "The rule for a fancy party is that your underclothes don't show", she can then pick out something to go under her dress that won't show.

If this is a child with sensory issues or developmental problems, I might bend further - plain soft leggings won't detract too much, and like others have said, it's better to compromise than to cause more problems in the long run.

The attitude of the adults in the situation is confusing. The MIL sounds like she may be butting in. But without knowing more about the child in question, it's hard to figure out why.

jemmini6 · May 2011

I think my biggest issue in this whole situation is that your IL's went behind your back just to appease the child...

As far as the actual issue at hand, I really can't give advice being that I don't know the girl or your family. I think this is something that has more parts than you can describe on a forum. Although from the gist of it, it seems that some sort of compromise is the best option...

NatandIsaac · May 2011

When I was a child, I was VERY modest, and I always had bike shorts on under skirts. I don't think that it's appropriate to ask a woman (no matter what her age) to be less covered than she is comfortable with. If I had a bridesmaid who wanted her legs, shoulders, or arms covered, then I would certainly agree to that. And if my flower girl wanted leggings on under her dress, well, I can't even imagine wanting to micromanage that detail.

katiedidthat · May 2011

What style of dress are you putting her in? Since the pants issue came up while she was trying it on and you said capris will show, I'm curious of how short the dress is. I know that when I was 7 I was starting to become very self-concious about my appearance and I was usually pretty insistent on feeling "covered." Kids are hitting puberty younger and younger, and if she's an older 7, she may be becoming more aware of her body and be nervous about wearing a dress that is shorter. If the dress is really short, she may not feel comfortable wearing it bare-legged or even just with tights. Or, it may be very itchy. I feel like we can't really give you advice without knowing the whole situation. In the long run though, is the "look" of your wedding really more important than your relationship with this child? She is going to be your family. A compromise of cute lace bottomed leggings or bloomers might be easier than severing the bond with your FI's half sister.

sarah0725 · May 2011

I'm also kind of surprised at the number of people who basically think the thing to do is just tell the girl to shut up and do what she's told. Even if she's only 7, she's a person, not a doll. We would never tell a bride that it was okay for a bride to force her tomboyish, pants-loving adult bridesmaid to wear a dress and heels, so why do it to a kid? Personally, I'd want to find out what is bothering the child that makes her want to wear the pants - dress too revealing, general discomfort, itch, etc. - and then figure out what could be done to make it work. Honestly, I'd also be slightly worried that something might be going on with her that makes her want to hide her body, but maybe that's just my paranoid brain spinning its wheels.

Everyone who is an adult in this situation needs to approach it calmly and compassionately, and figure out what is really going on here.

Ghoti · May 2011

Ok, I was shy as all heck when I was young. I stopped wearing dresses in first grade after I discovered "friday flip up day" and didn't wear a dress a again until 8th grade for a dance (and then it was a hideous full length dress LOL). I also hated my feet, and didn't own my first pair of flip flops until I was 18. I refused to wear open toe shoes, still do actually. I tried to wear socks at my sisters wedding (it was a full length dress!), I ended up taking them off for the ceremony after my sister noticed, but putting them back on afterwords. She never noticed.

This isn't a discipline issue, this is a confidence/comfort issue. If my aunt to be forced me to wear a short dress at 7, refused to let me cover at least my legs a little, I would probably back out or stay in and vomit, and then resent her for it for the rest of my life. Seems dramatic, but you are dealing with a 7 year old, and stuff like that tends to stick.

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