Advice please! My preggers MOH is due 2 wks before wedding

may207 · December 2009

My best friend and MOH just told me she is pregnant (unexpected for her and her hubby, too) and is due 2 weeks before the wedding. There's a whole slew of things that makes this a bit complicated and I could use some impartial advice. First of all, we live about 3000 miles apart from each other... my MOH is in my home state (where the wedding is) and I'm across the country. This is what I need advice on:
1) How do I handle the dress situation?
2) She has a toddler, is in grad school and works full time on top of expecting a baby right before the wedding... how much can I ask of her leading up to the wedding? I feel like I'd be asking too much of her to take on the "traditional" MOH duties.
3) How do I ask her to tackle her MOH duties at the wedding and reception if she has a newborn (that needs to be fed, etc)?

I'm just so overwhelmed by this and I don't want to ask too much of her, but want and need the support of a MOH that can really be there during the whol wedding and ceremony. With that said, this certainly isn't justg about me... Having a baby is sooooo exciting and I am so happy for her. I would hate it if it seemed like I was getting pouty or not being supportive of her exciting event. It just stinks that my big day and her big event are happening almost exactly at the same time. What do I do?

Thanks!!!

lyndausvi · December 2009

Just go with the flow and let her take the lead on what she is able to do. She could only be a few weeks postpartum anyway. She might not even be able to attend.

This is what I did for my pregnant BM who was OOT (well actually I was OOT she lived near the wedding site)

attendance - I told her to make wedding day decsion on what she is able to do. If she does not want to stand? fine she could sit in the front row. She only wants to attend the ceremony? Fine. She can't make it at all.. While sad, it will be fine and I would send the flower to her home. I just let take the led and refused to make it a stressful point.

dress - I asked her to buy a brown dress of her cholce to match the other girls. I did not see the dress until the wedding day. Not a big deal

Wedding day duties - I told her to just do what she could. I had other BMs, my mom, my MIL and 2 SIL to help me on my wedding day if needed. All those 'duties' did not have to fall on one person because she has a title of MOH.

Actually I've never attended a wedding where the MOH exclusively did those duties anyway. Whoever was around at the time just jumped in and helped.

That includes other things like showers, etc. I've been a BM a lot of times and was always involved with such activities. A couple of the times the MOH was not able plan events and I just did it myself. Not a big deal and I never thought I should have been upgraded for doing it.

So again. Just go with the flow and do not make this a big deal. Because really it's not.

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2009

There are no pre-wedding/reception duties for a MOH. The only thing she needs to do is show up and stand next to you and most likely, sign the marriage certificate. Ditto pp about the dress.

Just let her make the decision herself if she's up for it when the time comes. If she can't, it's okay - you don't have to have a MOH.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

Get the idea of MOH duties out of your head right now. Giving your friends duties is the surest way to turn your wonderful wedding into a pain in their butts. Expect that she won't be able to do anything for your wedding. She may surprise you, but don't expect anything, and you won't be disappointed.

For the dress, give her a swatch of the color the other girls are wearing and ask her to find something similar. She can find something in a department store (that's probably a lot more budget friendly) that will fit her well. Since she can get it off the rack, she won't have to order so far in advance not knowing her size. Or since she is MOH, have her wear an accent color with a pashmina or a sash matching the other color.

banana468 · December 2009

Ditto PPs on the duties. Tell her to buy a dress in the color of your choice. Most likely it'll need to be from the maternity section.

Beyond that, be flexible with her on whatever happens since her pregnancy and not your wedding need to be her priority.

megk8oz · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-please-preggers-moh-due-2-wks-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:967266ae-3a80-4736-a6db-b8db345f7f02Post:b2efd920-f443-49ae-afff-c258a1b19c2e">Advice please! My preggers MOH is due 2 wks before wedding</a>:
[QUOTE] 3) How do I ask her to tackle her MOH duties at the wedding and reception if she has a newborn (that needs to be fed, etc)?
Posted by may207[/QUOTE]

What duties? She needs to show up in the dress and sign the license. After that, her "duties" are over for the night.

As for the dress, I would suggest picking basic guidelines for the dress (Like length and color) just to make her life a little easier. If you try to put everybody in the same exact dress, then you'll have to contend with her possible not fitting into it. Or since she will be obviously pregnant at this point in time (Everybody that's there will be able to see this), if you want everybody else in matching dress, why don't you just make an "exception" and just give her some guidelines to follow so changes can be made based on her body as needed.

You're over-thinking. These things happen. But you also seem really excited that your friend is having a baby, so at least you've got your priorities straight for the most part. Just remember to not push anything on her, let her decide what she can and cannot handle doing. I've seen pregnant women running around at work just hours before going into labor, and other women that after the 6th or 7th month that are completely worn out and just need to sit and rest a lot.

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

Ditto everyone else. Let her find a maternity dress in a color that is the same, close to, or coordinating with the other BMs, or let her wear a black dress and give her a shawl or sash in the matching color. Size can fluctuate a lot, so she may have to wait until very close to the wedding to buy it; it'll be easier if you're flexible with it.

Definitely let her take the lead on what she's able to help with. It's likely that she'll offer to help out on her own if she's feeling up to it and has time, but I'm sure she'll appreciate not feeling pressured into doing it or guilty if she can't.

Once it gets closer, you two can figure out who's going to take care of the baby on the day of. Both my MOH and my sister have infants, and I'm pretty sure they're going to be passing the girls off to the respective dads while they're doing BM stuff, so it may not be that big a deal. But if your MOH does decide to keep the little one in tow throughout the day, be accommodating.

Just try to keep her needs as a top priority. I'm sure she'll return the favor.

gottahavashorti · December 2009

[QUOTE]My best friend and MOH just told me she is pregnant (unexpected for her and her hubby, too) and is due 2 weeks before the wedding. There's a whole slew of things that makes this a bit complicated and I could use some impartial advice. First of all, we live about 3000 miles apart from each other... my MOH is in my home state (where the wedding is) and I'm across the country. This is what I need advice on: 1) How do I handle the dress situation? 2) She has a toddler, is in grad school and works full time on top of expecting a baby right before the wedding... how much can I ask of her leading up to the wedding? I feel like I'd be asking too much of her to take on the "traditional" MOH duties. 3) How do I ask her to tackle her MOH duties at the wedding and reception if she has a newborn (that needs to be fed, etc)? I'm just so overwhelmed by this and I don't want to ask too much of her, but want and need the support of a MOH that can really be there during the whol wedding and ceremony. With that said, this certainly isn't justg about me... Having a baby is sooooo exciting and I am so happy for her. I would hate it if it seemed like I was getting pouty or not being supportive of her exciting event. It just stinks that my big day and her big event are happening almost exactly at the same time. What do I do? Thanks!!!
Posted by may207[/QUOTE]

1) Order up a couple sizes, you might be able to use her size from her previous pregnancy as a guideline. Or have her find a maternity dress off the rack in the same color as the other BMs or black closer to the wedding.

2) Ask her to purchase a dress, wear it at the wedding and smile for pictures. She'll probably sign the marriage license as a witness as well. This is all you should be asking of any of your WP members anyhow. Everything else is voluntary.

3) If she pumps, her husband may be able to hold the child and feed it. Offer her a place to feed and change, and understand that she may not be comfortable attending or standing up if she has an infant. Make sure that she has a chair or somwhere to place the car carrier on if she plans on keeping it in one during the wedding. She could also be in delivery that day if the baby is late.

What do you need in terms of support, exactly, that you can't get from your FI?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

Prepare for the very real possibility that she won't be able to attend - she might still be in the hospital, or not want to expose a 2 week old infant to a wedding (very likely, since 2 week old infants aren't totally immunized). You should still list her in the program as MOH. Possibly with "not standing" under her name if that happens.

Like Lynda said, it would be nice if you could find time in the day to drop flowers off to her, and maybe have a picture taken at her house before the ceremony.

homediva · December 2009

Weddings and babies, oh my! I think if I were in your (wedding) shoes, I would give her the option of backing out - like just say something like, "I know you have a ton on your plate, so if you would rather just attend the wedding and not be part of the wedding party, I would totally understand," (if that's true). Otherwise I agree with pp - there's not really that much she has to do leading up to the big day! I totally rely on my MOH - not for her to take care of "duties" but just for her opinions etc. Good luck, I'm sure it will all turn out fine!

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-please-preggers-moh-due-2-wks-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:967266ae-3a80-4736-a6db-b8db345f7f02Post:35b38ff0-a2f4-4fe2-996f-b327b3f8cf7c">Re: Advice please! My preggers MOH is due 2 wks before wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I would give her the option of backing out - like just say something like, "I know you have a ton on your plate, so if you would rather just attend the wedding and not be part of the wedding party, I would totally understand,"
Posted by homediva[/QUOTE]

Do not do this!

She knows that she has the option of backing out if she needs to. If you bring it up, she will believe that you want her out because she's pregnant. Bad, bad idea.

HisBelovedOne · December 2009

If she's due two weeks before the wedding date, it's most likely that she won't even be able to make it to the wedding. Due dates usually have two weeks "cushion time" built in on either side; she could have her baby anywhere between two weeks before to two weeks after the due date. If she delivers on or before her due date, the baby will be too young to be at a wedding full of people who may have a contagious bug. If she delivers two weeks after her due date, then she'll be busy having a baby and won't be able to attend anyway. In any case, she'll be tired and may not even have the energy to attend, let alone stand up with the bridal party.

That being said, if she *does* come, then I have to agree with what everyone else said. Don't tell her she has the option of backing out - she'll already know this, and telling her may make her think you don't want her involved because of the pregnancy - and don't have a cow if she has to back out last minute. Give her basic color/style options for the dress and let her find a maternity dress on her own. If you're worried about pre-wedding things like showers and such, let the rest of your bridal party know about the situation and make sure they're available to help plan. So far as wedding-day duties, MOH usually just stands up with the rest of them (provide her with a stool or chair if she needs one, either up on stage or in the front row), holds the bride's bouquet, smiles for pictures, and signs the license. Maybe makes a couple toasts.

mishy112 · December 2009

Ok, I realize I may be in the minority here, but I'd like to offer a different view. Consider everything others have said, but also remember this is your special day, and you will not have another one like it (most likely!). For me personally, I would like to know that I have someone to count on to be there for me and not have to worry about whether or not she'll even be able to make it to the wedding. With that being said, there are various options for that. I am all for open and honest communication, so I see nothing wrong with talking to her honestly about it and trying to figure out what to do together. For instance, "here's the situation and various ways it could go with your due date being so close to my wedding, and here's what I need/want for my wedding. how do you feel about being the MOH given this situation? what do you see as the best options considering both of our needs?" Make your concerns clear, and also let her know that she is very important and you want to know her input. Chances are she was worried about your reaction to her pregnancy and will be relieved to talk openly about it. If I were her, I would feel bad enough about complicating it that I wouldn't want to drop out unless I knew it wouldn't upset the bride. You could still keep her as MOH, but if so, make sure you get what you need. You could have a 2nd MOH, or you could see if she wants to switch from MOH to bridesmaid. Are you having personal attendents in addition to your MOH/bridesmaids? That could also be a help. Also, was she planning to throw a shower or bachelorette party for you, and does the pregnancy change these plans? I don't think there's any one clear cut answer, but I do think you need to make sure your needs are met too. Otherwise, you may end up feeling resentful.

mishy112 · December 2009

Ok, one last thought/question: Even if impossible to have known, if you had already known about her pregnancy and due date when you first asked her to be your MOH, would you still have asked her to be your MOH? If not, what would you have done instead?

banana468 · December 2009

Mishy, I really have to disagree with your advice.

As a grown adult, the bride shouldn't "need" anything from her friends.

Only the pregnant friend should come forward if there's a reason she's not comfortable attending. It's not for the bride to question her adult friend and to do so makes the bride look quite selfish indeed.

[Deleted User] · December 2009

Ok, here goes my 2-cents. The reality of the situation is that you (or no other bride) is the actual center of the universe on any given day. You get to be the center of your little universe the exists inside the church and reception site but even then you have to share the spotlight with your new husband and family. (oh, I'm not saying that you think you are, I'm just stating the obvious). There are other lives being lived, other priorities being delt with. She didn't plan to get pregnant like my MOH did - long story short, she miss calculated and instead of being 8 month pregnant on my wedding day (doable since she's local), she'll have just had a baby 2 weeks earlier (we know the actual due date because she had a c-section the first time and has to have one this time so she gets an absolute date when they won't let her go any further).

I'm not upset. I mean, I fake yelled at her when she told me of her little snafu but to be honest, I'm more excited about the new baby! To talk to her about your concerns is to in a small way tell her that you're worried how her new joy will inconvenience you. What I did was to tell her that her husband is going to have to cowboy up. She carried the bugger for 9 months, he can take care of her for one night. If he can't make it to the wedding because he has to take care of the baby, then it is what it is. She'll have a large supply of breastmilk for him to feed the baby. Done.

But understand (as I do) that if something comes up last minute and the plan doesn't work, fine. Remember, she will be the one home with a new baby to deal with feeling like she's let you down and upset that she's missing the party of the year.....you will be the one AT the party of the year! Who's worse off?

jaslugo · December 2009

Keep an open, honest line of communication. Do not "demote" her and do not give her the option of backing out. If she doesn't feel up to the role of MOH, she should come you. You coming out and saying,"You don't have to be MOH if you don't feel you can handle it," implies that you don't have faith enough in her.
That being said, be prepared for the very real possibility that she will not be able to come. Due dates are really just estimations. 37 weeks is considered full term, but a due date the first day of the 40th week. You said she's due 2 weeks before your wedding, there are a number of things that could prevent her from coming.
1) She hasn't had the baby yet and has trouble moving around.
2) She has had the baby but doesn't have the energy to move around.
3) She's still in the hospital recovering.
4)She has had the baby and does have the energy to move around,but feels uncomfortable bringing a 2 week-old baby to a wedding.
If she decides nothing is going to stop her from coming to your wedding, pick a colour so that she may pick her own dress. If you're worried about a shower, how is she going to throw you one from 3000 miles away? And as for day of MOH duties, I'm sure she can sign her name and hold your flowers; and if she decides to stay for the reception, she could give a toast from where she's sitting and one of your other BMs can hold your dress up when you pee.

lrigderaj · December 2009

My MOH is my sister in law (brothers wife) and at the time I asked her to be my MOH she knew that in the next couple of months she and my brother were going to be trying for #2 soon. I told her wether she is pregnant or has just had a baby I dont care becuase I want her as my MOH no matter what. She has always been there for me through thick and thin and my wedding day will be no different! I even told her I dont care if I have to hurry the 'I dos' and drag the wedding party to the maternity ward! lol The birth of my niece or nephew would not be missed for ANYTHING! So, as crazy as she thinks I am, we are taking it month by month and planning accordingly. The wedding is in October and she calls me at the beginning of every month and lets me know 'well, no baby this month

' So, at this point its an iffy situation but we are planning on having her in a maternity dress!!! (fingers crossed!!!)

mishy112 · December 2009

banana, even grown adults have needs, and there's nothing wrong with that. I don't know if you meant that as an absolute statement, but I would find it hard to believe if you did. That doesn't mean that friends have to meet those needs, but there's nothing wrong with the bride planning ahead to make sure she has someone to count on during her big day, even just for the emotional support, whether it's the MOH or someone else.

OP specifically posted that she wants and needs the support of a MOH who will be able to be there completely. It's not about questioning the friend's judgment but to check in about things and come up with a plan together, which could include many of the suggestions from other posters (e.g., here's what we'll do for your dress; we'll plan for you to be there, but I understand if not; we can have the other bridesmaids help with such and such). My advice was not meant as an underhanded way to give the MOH the boot. You can be assertive without being selfish, though sometimes it's hard to make a distinction.

If I weren't doing a DW with just me and FI, my sister would be my MOH and nothing would change that. But, if I didn't have a sister or if I weren't close to her, I would choose one of my close friends, and if she were in this situation I would talk to her about it. That doesn't mean I'd want her to back out. I'd just want to talk about it. If it were the other way around, I would not be offended, and I would want the bride to talk to me about it if she were having concerns.

banana468 · December 2009

Yes Mishy, grown adults have needs.

But part of those needs is the need to be understanding that you will have to find ways to get through the wedding day if your MOH isn't there.

Advice please! My preggers MOH is due 2 wks before wedding

Re: Advice please! My preggers MOH is due 2 wks before wedding

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