Can we talk holidays?

anna.oskar · October 2012

What are your game plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas when it comes to balancing 2 or more families?

I've got 3 families to juggle (mom's, dad's, in laws) and it's making me want to pull my hair out already. We lucked out in previous years with weather preventing distance driving but eventually (maybe this year) I think it's gonna hit the fan. My mom and H's mom are both psycho for family Christmas. Like, they want us to come over Christmas Eve morning and not leave until Christmas Day night. Neither of our sanity can handle that many hours straight.

Plus, although my dad doesn't celebrate Christmas, (we rock the Hanukkah bush instead of a Christmas tree) his birthday is December 24th.

Both moms are trying to claim turkey-day so I have no clue there yet.

i offered to host the holidays this year as a chicken way of getting out of travelling but no-go. Apparently it would be some sort of mom-sin if my mom gives away hosting duties two years in a row. *sigh*

Anyone have any happy Christmas ideas? Kidnap me? New Holiday pins on Pinterest? Fun family traditions to share?

kd.joseph · October 2012

Well Thanksgiving we go nowhere, we usually find a restaurant to eat at, last year I had Thanksgiving dinner at a cajun restaurant in Vegas, with BK and her husband, true story.

This year I have to work Black Friday, so I'm sure we'll be close to home again.

Christmas this year, I have to get down to see my son, mom and sister. Who knows when that will be considering it's on a Tuesday, way to screw up a week.

Then we do H's family sometime in there, his sister is pissed about last year, so who knows what will happen there.

H may go to SC without me, I have no time left and he has to take all his. I really dont care either way.

anna.oskar · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-we-talk-holidays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:3383a00e-0199-4387-9245-790947f5d624Post:72873638-324e-4143-99ab-b699682a7d4f">Re: Can we talk holidays?</a>:
[QUOTE]Currently no Thanksgiving plans. Maybe H's parents (or my parents) will want to do something. Either way is fine. We don't have to argue over Christmas because my side celebrate Hanukkah. I'm hoping my SIL's will come here from Philly and York because I don't feel like driving out there. But as far as I know nothing's been finalized. I would like to kidnap you Anna.
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

<div>If you kidnap me for the holidays we can stay in hiding and live off homemade applesauce and challah. I've been craving challah so badly. I found a gluten free recipe but if that's not fabulous, I'm doing traditional and I don't care if there are consequences. ;)</div>

bunni727 · October 2012

Since my dad works for the mines and my brother has a very...unpredictable schedule, so Mom rarely does Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving, and we can easily make it to both (just my parents and his mom).

Christmas is different. We'll probably do Christmas Eve at my parent's, spend the night at home, and drive to his hometown for Christmas Day where we'll visit his dad and grandma's house, then go to his mom's house to hang out with her side of the family.

Most of my nifty new pins are for Halloween. I haven't quite switched into Christmas mode yet. Here's my pinterest, if anyone wants to check it out: http://pinterest.com/foxwolf/

anna.oskar · October 2012

Nutter Butter Ghosts!

Alright, I'm totally stalking your Pinterest now.

bunni727 · October 2012

Yay! I haven't tried any of the halloween themed food yet, but I totally did a version of that creepy eyeball book thing, and it looks awesome. I'm working on figuring out how to make one with teeth

Loopyseven · October 2012

For the past 8 years, we've been local to my in-laws and except for one year did Thanksgiving there (H's bff's b-day is 11/26, so we always stuck around to celebrate that too, plus it's a busy weekend to do a lot of travel). Christmas we did Christmas Eve with the MIL and then Christmas morning we go to WI to my parents and get there in time for an early dinner (1-2'ish).

This year, I'm grounded due to Fruit Loop - no travel for me.

Now that we've moved, we're no longer local to anyone. H and I were talking about doing a 3 year rotation for Thanksgiving (home, Cleveland, WI) and staying home at Christmas with an open door for anyone who wants to come to us. I'm sure there will be a few special exceptions over the years when we go somewhere else for Christmas, but we don't want to set the precedent that we'll be running all over kingdom come during the holidays.

anna.oskar · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-we-talk-holidays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:3383a00e-0199-4387-9245-790947f5d624Post:33dac57e-a404-4593-b4a2-24afd3f6c71f">Re: Can we talk holidays?</a>:
[QUOTE]For the past 8 years, we've been local to my in-laws and except for one year did Thanksgiving there (H's bff's b-day is 11/26, so we always stuck around to celebrate that too, plus it's a busy weekend to do a lot of travel). Christmas we did Christmas Eve with the MIL and then Christmas morning we go to WI to my parents and get there in time for an early dinner (1-2'ish). This year, I'm grounded due to Fruit Loop - no travel for me. Now that we've moved, we're no longer local to anyone. H and I were talking about doing a 3 year rotation for Thanksgiving (home, Cleveland, WI) and staying home at Christmas with an open door for anyone who wants to come to us. I'm sure there will be a few special exceptions over the years when we go somewhere else for Christmas, but <strong>we don't want to set the precedent that we'll be running all over kingdom come during the holidays.</strong>
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

<div>That's our big thing too. I'm selfish. When we have little ones I might just want to be at home doing the Santa thing on Christmas morning instead of fighting his mom or my mom for the right to do so.</div>

Loopyseven · October 2012

In my lifetime, we've done 3 big family Christmases with my dad's side of the family, and I think only 2 big family Christmases with my mom's side of the family. So even if you figure I could pick/choose whether to go after 21, that's only 5 years out of 21 holidays when we weren't either home with just my parents/brothers or with my nearest aunt and uncle (only an hour and a half away) for Christmas. I can handle running all over 5 times in the next 20 years, but I'm not going to make it a regular thing.

jennylee813 · October 2012

Back in the day (my first marriage that is), we told both sets of parents that it was silly to go to both houses for Christmas, and we would be hosting. They were welcome to join us, but we would be celebrating at home.

When the kids were born it was even easier; they wanted to be with them, and ex-H and I started the tradition of giving the kids Christmas pj's on Christmas Eve and they wore them all day Christmas Day. They didn't have to get dressed and go visiting - they had all day to play with their spoils.

One of the rare times when I put my foot down. It worked.

J&K10910 · October 2012

We're lucky in that Thanksgiving is the big holiday for H's family, and they don't do much for Christmas. So we do Thanksgiving with his family, and Christmas with mine, and usually get together for a dinner or something to celebrate Christmas the week before or after with his parents.

azdancer8 · October 2012

I've been stressing about the holidays for at least a month already. I'm with you, Anna. The hair pulling is about to start.

We live close to DH's family, and my family is about 8 hours of travel time away (between flying and driving). I love holidays with his family, and dread them with mine. If I had my way, I'd never go home, and my family would come spend time with my ILs and learn how holidays should be done. :P BUT, I haven't gone "home" since right before our wedding, and if I don't this year, my mom will never let it go.

So here's the plan:

- Thanksgiving we'll spend with DH's family, most likely in Phoenix, where BIL and SIL will be staying.

- Christmas we'll stay here and probably spend a few days at DH's parents' house.

- Then the one I'm dreading - New Year's. I don't know yet whether we can afford to have DH come with me or not, but I'll fly to WA to do "Christmas" with my family at New Year's. I have no idea what to expect, because my brother barely speaks to any of us, and mom is a major guilt tripper. I love my family, but I HATE how stressful and awkward holidays are with them.

Next year (if our house is done by then) I'm hosting the holidays and they can all come to me. So there.

Aaaand my holiday pinterest board. No specific rhyme or reason, I just pin things I like when I see them. http://pinterest.com/azdancer8/holidays/

anna.oskar · October 2012

You have 100+ recipes for fudge on your pinboard. Automatic win on the first pin

azdancer8 · October 2012

I made a bunch of different types of fudge one year for Christmas gifts. A friend and I were doing several batches at a time, and I accidentally switched the condensed milk and evaporated milk in one recipe. Then, of course, I figured it out when I found myself short for a second recipe.

BEST MISTAKE EVER!

I had a mint oreo fudge that never set, so it was ooey and gooey and delicious (think hot fudge covered oreos). The other batch just crumbled, so I put it in bags layered with nuts and chocolate chips and such and called it ice cream topping. So delicious!

kmmssg · October 2012

Anna - this is my MOB POV and all of my kids also have to deal with 3 sets of parents.

YOU GUYS decide what you will do and then tell them. Don't be guilted by Christmas crazy mom's. I love Christmas, I love to have Christmas with my family, but that doesn't have to happen on December 25th.

When DD #1 first got married they tried to hit all 3 sets on the holidays. We all basically live in a triangle, all 1 hour from the others. Her DH wanted to make everyone happy so they did their best. That was crap. The year I was the last grandparent of the Christmas Day World Tour sucked. I got g'kids who had been through Christmas 3 times already on that day and they were exhausted, overstimulated, and, of course, not at all hungry. Yeah, not wanting a repeat of that one. DD and SIL were beyond exhausted and this special family holiday was being spent in the car.

At a minimum, one set of parents is left off the schedule of the actual holiday. Often, 2 are. I think that is a great idea. They rotate who will be left off. The grandbabies ALWAYS wake up in their own beds and Santa always comes to their house. This is non-negotiable. G'parents are invited to come and spend the morning if they wish, but those kids get up before the buttcrack of dawn for Christmas and I need at least 1 hour of road time to get there. No thanks.

The holidays are for you guys too, not just your parents. Decide how you want to spend them and be firm about it. I can tell you my best kept Nana secret is to volunteer to have Christmas with the kids on an off weekend - I get them fresh, excited, and I don't have to share!!

Set your boundaries now so that if and when you have kids, you will already have something in place. Good luck!

anna.oskar · October 2012

kmmssg: That was fabulous advice! i read it to my H and he was all "Yes! We should just tell them all to suck itup and deal"

kd.joseph · October 2012

Awesome advice K. I have to say when my son was born I was not toting him around to several places, I let people know I would host, but they would have to come to us. They are adults, they need to accomodate for the children.

Marrin713 · October 2012

Good advice kmm. Xh and I always split the holidays betw the two families because for a good amount of time we were all local. But it was a dragged out day for us and the son. And like you said kmm, someone always ended up with the crabby kid (and the crabby adults). Xin-law's holiday celebrations were always very very laid back - wear your comfy clothes, sit around watch football, meal served buffet style. My parent's side was much more formal (esp for Christmas) - all dressed up, formal meal, strict meal time. And they were really inflexible about how they thought our day should go. Xin-laws, not so much: "you get here when you get here. Don't worry about it."

As it is now, my son and his g/f juggle the holidays, but I try to be more like the xin-laws. Her family tends to be a bit more formal, so we're the flexible ones. And I think they appreciate it like his dad and I appreciated it back in the day.

Beads921 · October 2012

Christmas is turning into a total clusterfvck for us this year.

FI's Mom always goes away, so we celebrate with her early. That's easy. Then Christmas Eve we have dinner with my parents then go to FIs Dads grandparents house. Again, easy. Christmas Day is the problem though. My Mom wants us and FI's brother wants us and neither is budging (so far). We won't split the day between them because they live 1.5hrs apart, and we live in the middle, so it's a lot of driving. Ultimately, my Mom will probably win out (because we'll be celebrating with FIs brothers family at other times), but I will be sad to miss our nephews first Christmas.

I'm Canadian, so we already had Thanksgiving. We always go away with my family.

kmmssg · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-we-talk-holidays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:3383a00e-0199-4387-9245-790947f5d624Post:581c7c1b-cb0a-4216-a099-cf513694a735">Re: Can we talk holidays?</a>:
[QUOTE]Awesome advice K. I have to say when my son was born I was not toting him around to several places, I let people know I would host, but they would have to come to us. <strong>They are adults, they need to accomodate for the children.</strong>
Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>THIS THIS THIS!!

</div>

kmmssg · October 2012

You know, in fairness, I should share this part with you ladies so you can see through parent's' eyes on this too.

When you are rearing your family you have special traditions you observe, you just have "your way" of celebrating the holidays, especially Christmas. Those ways and traditions have a value of 2000 on a scale of one to ten. (at least for me)

Somehow, about the time our children become adults, we seem to forget any hassles we had with our parents and in-laws and set these crazy "you are mine for all holidays from now until eternity" demands. You have ALWAYS been here for Christmas! How could you possibly dream of not being here! You love your new family more, and all the other cliches. A lot of times, those Christmas crazy moms are trying to preserve something that means the world to them and may not even realize the demands they are putting out there.

I have to say with my family in a different state, an exh who worked on holidays because he was a corrections officer, and inlaws who weren't big on celebrating Christmas, I didn't have to deal with this very much.

The reason I became aware of how difficult this is because of all of you girls! When DD #1 was getting married and I joined TK, I would see posts about this stuff. In the beginning I would think what a selfish young woman!! Then, as the posts would settle in and I would really think about it, it became obvious that my parent world needed to change and I needed to respect and help set boundaries I had never thought of before. You don't know what you don't know.

Anna - I hope you and DH find the right set of boundaries for your holidays. I'm glad my post helped - it is so important to set those boundaries as a new family now so the parents can complain about it for a couple of years and then suck it up and move on.

Thanks for the education, girls!

ETA: DD #1 hosted Christmas as a favor to me a couple of years ago, can't remember why I couldn't do it. Well, she got a taste of not piling kids in the car and spending 2 hours (roundtrip) on the road and has volunteered to host any holiday. Score one for mom! Of course, Mom still does a ton of the cooking but I like that part anyway.

emichele87 · October 2012

This is the first year we are having to figure out holidays. So here is what I said would happen. We are staying home for Thanksgiving (my grandmother was not pleased) and spending the day with DHs mom. We live 1.5 hrs from her so a day trip is not out of the question.

Now for Christmas it gets fun. My dad is a pastor so for me it's very imprtant to be home on Christmas Eve. Doing the Christmas Eve service is a huge deal for my parents and I so Dh and I will be going up the Saturday before and staying until Christmas day. We will drive home Christmas afternoon sometime. For me I wanted to go home for Christmas because I have a big family and getting us all together happens once a year. Thanksgiving is not as big a deal.

Now once we have kids I'm sure it will change because I do not see us living close enough to both families to be able to be apart of it all.

lily_721 · October 2012

The holidays are always an overwhelming issue. When we have LO, we are going to re-evaluate this situation. We have been traveling to MIL's because BIL refuses to travel with his young daughters. I call this "around the world" and I hated doing this as a child. I do not want to do this to my own children. SSs don't mind -- they like seeing everyone and they are older so they bring their electronics with them and are happy.

We have Thanksgiving with FIL and SMIL and her family. We sometimes continue our journey to MIL's house (an hour further away) for pie. This usually upsets my mother. I usually have "pre-Thanksgiving" for my family at my house; which is why MIL was upset and hence the pie. Vicious cycle.

Christmas Eve: travel to MIL's. Last year, FIL and SMIL met us for lunch to exchange gifts. A little hectic and worried that SSs were going to spill on their church clothes but really nice all around. Church, dinner, and visit with family. Love DH's family traditions.

Christmas morning: stockings for kids with MIL and SFIL. Gifts with cousins. Christmas brunch.

Travel.... travel.... travel....

Christmas late afternoon: dinner with my parents, siblings, etc. Gifts.

Exhaustion.

We alternate Easter between our mothers.

jenajjthr · October 2012

Although I didn't really have to deal with the inlaw issue with H#1 (both sets of his parents lived too far away to travel), I did see it through a stepsister's eyes. She had 4 sets of parents, her mom, her dad, his mom, and his dad. All divorced, all bitter and not willing to come together for the holidays. She was crying at the end of one holiday because of all the traveling around the city, packing kids up, having to keep visits short, etc. In my eyes, that is not a happy holiday, it was and is torture.

Like PP's have said, decide what you want and are capable of doing and stick with it. Rotate holidays, making sure that in that rotation is you hosting/staying home. When/if you have kids then put their needs before your parents. My kids would always ask, will Santa know we are "someplace other than home?" Of course he will, but being home is so much better.

I will tell you what my mom did to help all of us kids (step included) have an easier decision. It wasn't about the exact date for her, but that we all were together. So she chose the "Second Sunday" as her Christmas day. That is the day we came together, exchanged gifts, ate Christmas dinner. The relief in my step sisters eyes was amazing. She was a much happier lady on Second Sunday.

thejucheidea · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_can-we-talk-holidays?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:3383a00e-0199-4387-9245-790947f5d624Post:9a2abbb6-30e0-4a6d-9027-f72f19d962c4">Re: Can we talk holidays?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can we talk holidays? : I found a gluten free recipe but if that's not fabulous, I'm doing traditional and I don't care if there are consequences. ;)
Posted by anna.oskar[/QUOTE]

Godspeed, brave soldier.

Benny618 · October 2012

Thanksgiving was tough at first because FIs family flies down to Georgia to celebrate with his cousins, while my parents host about 25 people. It's the biggest holiday and it's always at my parents house, and I just would hate to miss it... we decided we will spend Thursday with my family at my parents house, and then we catch an early flight Friday morning to Atlanta and spend the weekend with his family. It's worked out well so far the past few years.

We don't celebrate Christmas so we don't have that to deal with, however we do celebrate Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, which we've had to work out a plan for. We are switcing off yearly between the 2 holidays. That being said, once we have kids and have settled into a home and joined our own synagogue, that will likely change.

kevinnbrenna2013 · October 2012

We live far from my side, and quite close to his side. So we just decided that we take every year as it comes. This year, we're doing Thanksgiving with his 2 best friends and their families, and having his dad and 2nd wife for Christmas. Last year was our turn hosting Turkey day and we saw inlaws for Christmas...

Its all up to you, but remember if you "lay down the law" immediately, you may cause fallout for years if you want to change things up in the future.

erickarose · October 2012

We do thanksgiving every other year with each side, this year will be with his side....of course that is 9 days before the wedding and 2 hours away from where the wedding is...should be interesting.

Christmas we do Christmas Eve with my family and stay the night and then on christmas morning after an early breakfast we head up to his parents house and spend the day with them.

Talk it over with your Husband, don't let the mom's controll things, trust me I know what it is like both of us have mom's who want us there, you just have to decide on something and stand firm, make sure you do it as a team.

Can we talk holidays?

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