Awkward question but curious

summer&jr · November 2012

My uncle passed away unexpectedly 4 years ago. Also 4 years ago, my fiancees father whom he was extremely close with passed away after having complications of health problems.

We know they'd be proud of us and we want them there as much as we do everyone else were planning on inviting. We wanted to set aside not actually aside but more or less 'reserve' two seats and put their picture on the chair my uncle will be on one, fiancees dad on the other at our wedding.
I was told I'm quite crazy for thinking up such an idea.

TheVirginians · November 2012

This may upset some people so I don't recommend it. ETA. Jenn, below, wrote it much better than I could. That was what I was thinking.

Paneglini · November 2012

It's your day and it is a beautiful sentiment!

cwaggoner07 · November 2012

I personally don't like memorials to be too obvious at what is supposed to be a celebration. It can get very somber very quickly. For us, we just did a remembrance section in our program and put our immediate family members who were no longet with us.

If you decide to go this route, I would STRONGLY suggest speaking with their widowed wives, if they will be at the wedding, as this could potentially greatly upset them. I think their feelings toward this are key going forward.

summer&jr · November 2012

My uncle was never married. My family still talks openly about my uncle. We don't dwell on the fact he's not here physically. But emotionly and mentally we speak of the things hes done and things he'd do or like now in the present. His father and mother were never married and from what I gather she wasn't so keen on being with him. She only stuck around for my fiancee as so did his dad. She was too busy worrying how everyone would act if people found out they were over 10 years apart.

Jen4948 · November 2012

You're not crazy. That said, there are appropriate ways to honor the memories of deceased loved ones at weddings, but photos on chairs are not among them. Instead, you might give the deceased a tribute in a wedding program, carry or wear something that belonged to the deceased, mention them in a speech (if you're not too lugubrious), have flowers or other decorations the deceased liked, play a song they liked, and so on.

Just don't have the "memorial" acts be too ubiquitous or too conspicuous, like empty chairs with photos. That can make people uncomfortable. Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions.

Avion22 · November 2012

I agree with everyone else. Small memorial acts are okay at weddings, but empty chairs with photos aren't appropriate for a joyous event like a wedding.

I think wearing a piece of jewelry or handkerchief (or having it tucked into your dress or his pocket) are a good idea, and maybe playing a favorite song at the reception (as long as it's appropriate for a wedding). For example, my late grandfather was a jazz musician, and his favorite song was Stardust. We had this played at our reception, and my grandmother and dad really appreciated is, as it's a good way they like to remember my grandfather. Nobody else realized that it was a memorial to him.

Lisa50 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_awkward-question-but-curious?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:e1351d6a-9429-4f05-963f-337512f1e8cbPost:3676f699-99b6-48c4-985e-d76c6375b68c">Re:Awkward question but curious</a>:
[QUOTE]My uncle was never married. My family still talks openly about my uncle. <strong><font color="#800080">We don't dwell on the fact he's not here physically.</font></strong> But emotionly and mentally we speak of the things hes done and things he'd do or like now in the present.
Posted by summer&jr[/QUOTE]

I agree with PPs that memorials at weddings feel inappropriate. If your family doesn't dwell on the physical aspect of your uncle's absence, an empty chair seems odd.

vexie · November 2012

I was at a wedding this summer where the bride had small photos of loved ones who have passed attached to her bouquet. It was a lovely gesture and they got a few gorgeous shots of the bouquet with the photos. Would that work for you?

NOLAbridealmost · November 2012

I think your heart is in the right place, but the empty chair with photo idea is terrible for all the reasons Retread said.

Please don't do that.

Maggie0829 · November 2012

Like NOLA said, your heart is in the right place but I just don't think weddings are a place to remember those that are no longer with us. You and your FI family will know that those individuals are not there and then pointing it out in such a big way may just be a bit overwhelming. I know that you and your family talk about your Uncle openly but on such a high emotional day the obviousness of his absence by the empty chair may make it a bit overwhelming for some.

I think including them in a "rememberance" section in your program is the way to go.

summer&jr · November 2012

Thank you ladies!

I think we'll forfeit the whole wedding chairs with pictures on it and think of another thing to do to remember them.

Sarahvlismas28 · November 2012

My sister did the same thing for my grandmother and she put a candle lit for the whole reception and ceremony. Keep in mind also, they will always be there with you guys and they would be very happy.

grayfang · November 2012

I was at a wedding recently where there was a little memorial message in a frame to honor lost loved ones, specifically a grandfather. It was way in the back of the room, not very obvious, and I thought it was tasteful. I was thinking of honoring my mother with something similar. Not sure if it's still too morbid for TK though...

Awkward question but curious

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