My fiance and I were thinking about having a private (secret) civil ceremony at City Hall—just the two of us—before we do the big Church wedding later in the year. We just think it would be a special private moment for us.
Firstly, does anyone know if this is “allowed”?
I should probably preface this by saying, we are getting married in the Catholic Church and I’m pretty sure this would not be allowed...but would they technically be able to find out? i.e. when we sign marriage licenses later, etc? I’m not sure how that works…. Any information and/or advice would be greatly appreciated!
Re: Can we do this? Civil Ceremony BEFORE Catholic Church?
[QUOTE]1) If you get married outside of the church, they do not recognize your marriage, unless there are extenuating circumstances (you were married and you later became a catholic or began practicing again, or one of you was terribly ill and unable to come to the church). And since your officiant will have to know that you are already married, you can't really keep it a secret from the church. 2) It is a horrible, hurtful, and selfish thing to have a secret wedding and then do a big fake wedding afterwards without telling your family. You can't eat your cake and haveit to. Either elope and have your nice private ceremony, or don't and then get to share it with friends and family.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
This.
Yes, I see your point...you can't have your cake and eat it too. Either we eloped and hurt our family and friends, or we had a big wedding and missed out on the chance to have something private for the two of us.
If you are already married, the ceremony in the Catholic church would be a convalidation. They do not usually let you have the white dress and attendants for a convalidation, so it wouldn't be the same thing. Also, they would not help you lie to your friends and family. Even if they did, people would find out, and they'd be really hurt that you lied to them and tried to cover it up with a fake wedding.
I'm going to ditto everybody else here. You can't lie to the Catholic Church about being legally married. They will find out, even if you don't 'fess up right away (Because, yes, there will be papers that need to be signed the first time around). And I'm pretty sure if you're "caught", Jesus wouldn't be a happy camper about it.
And having a private ceremony and then a public to-do is pretty selfish. It's pretty much sending the message of "Oh, I didn't think you were good enough to see the real ceremony, but I'd still really like you to come out to give me a present and fawn over how pretty I am". Even if that's not what you're intending to do, that's still the message sent.
DH and I had debating having a "private" ceremony for a while, but even if we'd done that, we still could never imagine getting married without at least our parents and siblings present. It sounds like you want a ceremony that is just you, your FI and whomever is doing the ceremony ... Is there a reason you want something that private beforehand? Why are you tying to hide from people that you're married?
If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
"Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
If you really want something private, and aren't willing to elope, then maybe renew your vows privately on your honeymoon or in a private ceremony on your 1/5/10 year anniversary.
Or meet each other before the ceremony, and/or exchange letters or some personal words to each other.
Mbc, I like your ideas about renewing vows on our anniversary. I don't think I will want to see FI before the ceremony--I want to save that for walking down the aisle. And I've thought about exchanging letters...I like that idea a lot. Thank you!
i'm not sure that's true. my FI's brother did just want OP is suggesting. they went to city hall and got married, then had a huge (over 300 guests) catholic wedding and reception months later and didn't tell anyone they were already married besides their immediate family. the church knew ahead of time and allowed it - wedding party, white dress, all of it.
so...i think depending on the church, you can technically do it.
but i'm going to agree with everything else all the other posters said. i wouldn't do it, nor would i advise anyone to do this.
The way people responded here are nothing compared to what your family and friends are going to think when they find out you lied to them and had a fake wedding just to get presents.
Either presents or attention. But people are going to assume you did it for presents.
You are asking strangers because you want an unbiased opinion, and you can't ask anyone that does know you because you intend to lie to them.
I think you've proven that you don't care what anyone thinks, you came here looking for validation.
I have been neither rude nor mean to you. You are simply sensitive because deep down you know what you are doing is wrong. As as Catholic, I'm shocked. You should know that lying is wrong.
Here, keep in mind that the Catholic Church often finds that a couple doing this willingly is commiting a grave sin and it's not viewed very favorably by all priests as they believe the only wedding ceremony be the one in the Church.
The other aspect is being honest with your guests. If for some reason you do opt for the civil ceremony first, you need to tell your guests what you're doing. It's completely inappropriate to turn something you want to share into a secret.
And anyway as far as the telling the truth thing, she never said she wanted to lie to anyone, just that she wasn't sure that if the church knew, if they'd still allow it. READ first before you judge, people.
Secondly I totally understand the sentiment of wanting a private and special ceremony with just the couple.
My parents eloped. Just them and two witnesses on my dad's boat on a lake. And they never told anyone one else. Then had a ceremony two months later for their friends and family. I thought it was romantic.
I guess some girls on here simply think their opinion is gospel. Everyone is different!!
Stagemanager14 I think your ideas are archaic and judgmental. I completely agree with Hagen. You are very catty.
MANY Catholic priests do frown upon this when the desire is for the outside marriage rather than the Catholic one. And if you enter into this union knowingly then you are sinning in the eyes of the Church as you will have consummated your union outside of Holy wedlock.
It's great that your own priest is OK with this, however it's against the rules and technically a no-no; particularly if you're going to go a long period between the two.
And since when is it archaic for telling the truth?
I guess this is the issue with our society. We're supposed to be able to do what we want when we want with no consequences.