September 2012 Weddings

TK has made me so ettiquette-conscious

I mean, I never thought I had bad ettiquette before, but now I constantly find myself judging other people's comments to me. I don't know if it's good or bad, because obviously I have learned a lot and am doing things differently than I would have if i had not known. but it's really making me question a lot of people that i once thought were much better at ettiquette than myself.

anyone else feel like this?

for example, my MOH is one of the nicest and kindest people i have ever met. in HS she was the one to win all the awards for being the best team player and stuff like that. she always cares so much about other people, and takes care of them (she's a nurse which is perfect for her).

she got married last year. she had five (!!) showers. i was talking to her the other day and she was asking if FI's family was throwing me a shower, and i said no. I thought it would be weird for them to do that, i mean, yes they know me, but i'm not part of their family yet. she seemed to think like this was against ettiquette and that they were supposed to throw you one. she told me it was a point of contention when her husband's family did not throw her a shower. and i was just like WHAT?!? 1. she had FIVE other showers. (she could have declined one or several of them, but instead had them all and acted like she had to). 2. NO ONE has to throw you a shower. you shouldn't expect anyone to.  knowing how she is, i was shocked she would say something like this.

and then her family which is sort of like a second family to me (i got to know her aunts all really well after going to all of her showers), keeps asking to be invited to my wedding. like, i get it, but we just don't have room. i'm already 25 people over the limit we can have in our reception hall, and that's without plus ones. i can't really add another 10 people just because they ask me nicely.

i'm just so surprised that people that seem so genuine and caring can be so lacking in ettiquette. i'm nervous TK has made me a snob.
Happily married since 9/1/2012!
image
The Whimsical Wifey

Re: TK has made me so ettiquette-conscious

  • Meh, TK made me into a snob too. 

    I learned a lot from coming on here, and am glad I found the community section before I did a lot of crap that would be in poor taste. I think people jsut think well X &Y did this for their wedding so it must be okay for me too.

     If your FIL's want to throw you a shower I would say thanks and enjoy it. You will be part of their family shortly. I guess I could see how one could have up to 5 showers

    Work Shower
    Church Shower
    Bride's Side Shower
    Groom's side Shower
    Friends Shower

    But it seems overkill. I am just having the one and everyone is invited.
    image
    Follow Me on Pinterest
  • kellycatalokellycatalo member
    500 Comments
    edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_tk-has-made-me-so-ettiquette-conscious?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:e4412522-aaae-4123-bc65-341d77907d42Post:e3ecfc35-e912-495d-bf32-9ef090164609">Re: TK has made me so ettiquette-conscious</a>:
    [QUOTE]Meh, TK made me into a snob too.  I learned a lot from coming on here, and am glad I found the community section before I did a lot of crap that would be in poor taste. I think people jsut think well X &Y did this for their wedding so it must be okay for me too.  If your FIL's want to throw you a shower I would say thanks and enjoy it. You will be part of their family shortly. I guess I could see how one could have up to 5 showers Work Shower Church Shower Bride's Side Shower Groom's side Shower Friends Shower But it seems overkill. I am just having the one and everyone is invited.
    Posted by sparent2010[/QUOTE]

    the funny thing is, all of the showers were thrown by her aunts. like two of them don't get along with the other one, so each wanted to throw their own shower. it ended up being:
    -bridesmaids shower
    -dad's family shower
    -family friend shower
    -mom/1 aunt shower
    -2 aunts shower

    it was seriously overkill. i don't know why the mom/aunts felt the need to throw more showers. especially since it ended up being all the same people at them.
    Happily married since 9/1/2012!
    image
    The Whimsical Wifey
  • TK definitely did that for me and still irritates me at times because who can really judge "etiquette"? I think the importance should be on consdiration and respect and not some of these "rules" established by the bridal gods lol

    Every person and every situation differs, so I think as long as you take all the rules and the input with a grain of salt, and find the answer that works for you, it's all good.

    invitationcombo Wedding Countdown Ticker Follow Me on Pinterest
  • TK has DEF made me more judgemental about stuff! That being said, I am having a shower for my FIL's.... FMIL and FSIL jumped on that one almost immediately BUT I am actually pretty close to his family all things considered.
  • My mom actually yells at me and demands I change the subject every time I say something like "well, technically, they say you aren't supposed to do X Y or Z." I don't buy into 100% of what is said on the general boards, but I think there are some people who really go by traditional, old-school wedding ways. No one has to throw you a shower, but its pretty darn crappy if no one does. Just as much as you shouldn't be "rude" to expect things of a guest/family, its pretty rude of guests/family to not acknowledge your wedding. Not bringing a gift? Rude, no matter what the occasion is. Demanding people bring you gifts? Also rude. I say the same about BMs and brides. Some people get so caught up in being polite and kind to BMs, when they really should be just as kind and polite to the bride. I think a lot of "etiquette" is really over sensitivity and political correctness, IMO. As for your friend's showers, I think that is a bit of overkill but if that's what her family wanted to do, then whatever. However, she should NOT expect you to maintain the same ideas. If she keeps getting on your case about who should be throwing you a shower, politely remind her that it's entirely up to others what showers you get, so she is barking up the wrong tree.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_tk-has-made-me-so-ettiquette-conscious?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:e4412522-aaae-4123-bc65-341d77907d42Post:f760c93c-757d-4b84-b9f1-0407f0198c9c">Re: TK has made me so ettiquette-conscious</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: TK has made me so ettiquette-conscious : the funny thing is, all of the showers were thrown by her aunts. like two of them don't get along with the other one, so each wanted to throw their own shower. it ended up being: -bridesmaids shower -dad's family shower -family friend shower -mom/1 aunt shower -2 aunts shower it was seriously overkill. i don't know why the mom/aunts felt the need to throw more showers. especially since it ended up being all the same people at them.
    Posted by kellycatalo[/QUOTE]

    That's serious overkill and if people were invited to more than one shower it makes her look so gift hungry.

    [QUOTE]
    TK definitely did that for me and still irritates me at times because who can really judge "etiquette"? I think the importance should be on consideration and respect and not some of these "rules" established by the bridal gods lol [/QUOTE]

    Etiquette is in general is all about being considerate and respectful. The big thing that gets lost when one plans a wedding is that it's not all about the bride. Yes, it is your day, but once you decide to involve other people in your day you need to take their needs into consideration.

    That is my view on etiquette and a lot of it comes down to proper hosting. just host what you can afford to host, but don't serve you guests crap and flaunt around in a 10,000 dress, KWIM?
    image
    Follow Me on Pinterest
  • Yes! LOL TK has turned me into such an etiquette snob. I try not to get judge-y in real life though. 

    But, I mean, most things that are proper etiquette are really just common sense/being polite/having good manners. Don't make your guests open up their wallets at your events because it's rude. Have chairs for them to sit in. Don't make your guests wait around with nothing to do. Serve a meal during meal times. Don't annouce that you want gifts. Don't tell people how to dress (unless black tie or cultural thing). This is just being polite!
    September 2012 Siggy Challenge: Wedding Preview!
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker

    122image 110image 12image
  • TK has definitely made me this way--for good and for bad I guess.   For good in the sense that my FI and I say all the time that we almost considered our guests TOO much in the planning and if we hadn't focused so much on making things easier on everyone else, the wedding could have been easier on our bank accounts (i.e. getting married right near the airport in the burbs instead of out in the country where ppl would have had to travel too but would have been really cheap).  But, I think it makes it more affordable for people to come and that's what we want...to have our loved ones. 

    For bad because we have a lot of weddings to go to this year and I cringe at a lot of things.  Yesterday we got an invite to a wedding that FI is a GM in and they mispelled his last name and my first name on the envelope!  We don't know the bride as well as the groom and I'm sure being a hands-off groom he was like "yea sure thats how you spell it" but I found it a little bit lazy on their part.  Wasn't super offended but you don't want that being the first thing people notice about your wedding. And my issues with my brother compounded by TK have made me super critical of his wedding.  Like that I was never asked to be in their wedding or for a dress budget, just told to buy a dress.  Or that they want everyone to go to their favorite bar between the ceremony and reception and plan to show up after pictures but don't plan to pick up the check.

    I am not on the everything considered proper is necessary but I think consideration should be at the heart of it like sparent2010 said.  To me I'd say more golden rule than etiquette as far as if I was attending a wedding/shower etc would I want this going on.  Not everyone has the same means but there are a lot of ways to work around that.  And 5 showers with the same guest list is definitely overkill and shouldn't be expected.
  • i agree with you guys, i think ettiquette can more oftentimes be defined by your group of friends and relatives and what's expected, not necessarily what is considered by the "ettiquette gods" to be right.

    as for the 5 showers, it was actually pretty fun because her family is a blast. i honestly think she had no idea that it looked gift-grabby. she's pretty naive and im pretty sure that if she knew what it looked like, she would have declined some of them.

    Happily married since 9/1/2012!
    image
    The Whimsical Wifey
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_tk-has-made-me-so-ettiquette-conscious?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:e4412522-aaae-4123-bc65-341d77907d42Post:a28f1d5e-e1b3-45d1-b224-4efce7550948">Re: TK has made me so ettiquette-conscious</a>:
    [QUOTE]TK definitely did that for me and still irritates me at times because who can really judge "etiquette"? I think the importance should be on consdiration and respect and not some of these "rules" established by the bridal gods lol Every person and every situation differs, so I think as long as you take all the rules and the input with a grain of salt, and find the answer that works for you, it's all good.
    Posted by mamameech[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this. I by no means claim to be an ettiquette specialist, nor should I. In reality a lot of this so-called ettitquette has been made up/manufactured in order to boost the wedding world. In my opinion as long as you stick to thinking of your guests, being polite and considerate and just using common sense then I think the other crap can go out the window
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_tk-has-made-me-so-ettiquette-conscious?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:e4412522-aaae-4123-bc65-341d77907d42Post:a28f1d5e-e1b3-45d1-b224-4efce7550948">Re: TK has made me so ettiquette-conscious</a>:
    [QUOTE]TK definitely did that for me and still irritates me at times because who can really judge "etiquette"? I think the importance should be on consdiration and respect and not some of these "rules" established by the bridal gods lol Every person and every situation differs, so I think as long as you take all the rules and the input with a grain of salt, and find the answer that works for you, it's all good.
    Posted by mamameech[/QUOTE]

    I AGREE!

    Some people on here go too far with the whole "ettiquette" thing.
  • I have learned SO much from these boards about proper wedding ettiqute. I mean I thought I had a pretty good idea about etiquette in general to begin with, but I'm afraid I would have made some boo-boos if I hadn't learned from TK. 
    Anniversary
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards