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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Invite Ex-Stepdad?

Okay, so this is a potentially awkward situation.  My ex-step dad was a huge part of my life from age 8-16.  I love him, and he was a huge father figure to me as I was growing up.  Unfortunately my mom and he had a bitter break-up.  It would mean so much to me to invite him to my wedding.  I haven't seen him since my high school graduation (which he came to even though they were no longer together) mostly due to the fact that my mom hates him so much.  Well, she and I aren't close at all.  In fact, she may be "boycotting" my wedding due to other issues.  So the question is, do I invite the ex-stepdad?  I would love to have him there.  But things with my mom are so touch-and-go, it might push her over the edge.  If she knew I had invited him, she would likely not attend and may not speak to me for months/years (that's her version of punishment).  Or she might even make a scene at the wedding and try to upset or hurt me (emotionally, she often tries to ruin my happiness).  I know, its pathological.  Then again, she might not even show.  I would hate to leave him out for her sake, since he was a much more positive figure in my life. Thoughts?

Re: Invite Ex-Stepdad?

  • I'm not sure that I can answer this for you. Its kind of a decision only you can really make.
    I would hope your mom could put her feelings aside for one day but I know thats not always possible.
  • Slip her a xanax early in the day?
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  • If it were me, I'd invite him regardless. Sounds like he's been there more for you than she has and I think he would appreciate sharing the day with you much more than she would.
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  • If it were me, I would invite him. I would maybe talk to him privately about trying to keep distance from your mother for the sake of peace at your wedding, but I would invite him. 8 years is a large portion of a person's childhood, and I'm sure that he was very influential to you in your life.

    Ultimately, the decision is one that only you can make (as PP stated) but that's what I would do.
  • I agree with PPs that it's a decision that only you can make.  If I were in your position, I would invite him.  As mentioned, I'd talk to him beforehand to ask him to keep his distance from your mom if she's there.  However, it sounds like he would do this anyway.  Be sure to sit him with people he's comfortable with.  How is his relationship with the rest of your family?
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  • I think I disagree with everyone else.  I just don't see how inviting him is going to be worth the punishment you're going to receive from your Mom.  You'll see him for one day, a day that you'll be so busy you really won't get to spend any quality amount of time with him, and be punished for her for it for MUCH longer than just that one day. 

    Also, how long has it been since you've seen him?  You said he came to your high school graduation, how long ago was that? 

    I think if you want to rekindle a relationship with him, that's fine and you should reach out to him.  But if your Mom really is the way you describe, and you deal with her on a regular basis, maybe inviting him to your wedding shouldn't be your first step.
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  • I kind of agree with danieliza.  At your actual wedding, you'll barely see the man - is it worth all the drama?  It reallyl is kind of a giant fuuuck you to your mom, and only you can decide if it's worth it.

    There are other ways to honor the man and rekindle/keep up your relationship.  How long has it been since you last saw him? 
  • Sorry - busy at work.  I'm 26 now.  I moved away from home for college/grad school due to unpleasantness with mom.  So I haven't seen him in 8 years.  But he and my bio dad have actually become friends.  They and their respective wives go out to dinner every so often, they talk on the phone.  I know the question is: is it really worth it?  But the way she is, she won't be happy or positive on the big day anyway, so why not?
  • Well, you can always ask him how he feels about it.  Personally, I'd feel a little awkward knowing that my presence at a wedding is causing serious distress.  Maybe he doesn't particularly want to be put in that position? 
  • If I were you I would invite him then have a talk/email to my mom. I would inform her that he is invited and if she trys to start a scene that she will be either removed or uninvited.. This is your and your FI's day and you should have who you want there.. If she has been doing this all your life then maybe it's time to cut the bad apple off the branch?? If she is doing it now, what will she do when you are married with children?
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