My Own Mother! Help!

LWatkins83 · February 2012

So, I haven't picked out anything yet (anything meaning venue, gowns, dj, photo, etc.) and she (my mom) is already telling me what to do. I mean, I have no problem with getting input from other people but, here's what's gone down so far.

1. I want a beach wedding. She told me I shouldn't do that because then everyone (meaning her family) will have to drive too far and should keep the wedding local. Driving too far? The beach is only about 30 minutues away from most of the family. She's not even considering his family (where many of them live out of state and will have to stay in a hotel anyway).

2. I want a small wedding of 50-100 people. So I decided only to invite immediate family. This means mine and his parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters, first cousins, and aunts and uncles. She wants to invite her Aunts and Uncles (meaning my Great Aunts and Uncles) who I barely know and they have no clue who I am. I don't want them, not only because I don't know them, but because I'm trying to keep the numbers low.

3. I was told I HAVE to play a particular type of music for my grandmother (who is the only person who listens to this particular type of music). I know its my grandmother, but she will be the only one who knows how to dance to it. Apparently it is a "tradition" in my family to do so. This is the only problem that I would actually consider doing just to appease her.

I just don't know what to do. I haven't really started the planning process yet, but I am afraid my whole wedding is going to be controlled. Eloping at this point is going through my mind. I am, by no means, trying to be a bride-zilla and would like to know what other peoples opinions are on these issues.

TheNick · February 2012

I had this same problem with my mom and the women in my family (They are Italian and they went wild when I got engaged!) . They just got so excited about everything and it got too overwhelming for me. It has toned down since then.
Could your mom just be really excited about all of this?
Maybe you and your fiance can sit down with your mom and talk about what you both really want. Sometimes having the FI there can help. There will be compromises on each side. If you feel like that isn't working, tell her that the other option would be to elope.
You are not sounding at all like a Bride-zilla.

Hilraythebride · February 2012

Who is paying for the wedding? If you are paying than you get to control what happens and pick out what you want. If she is paying she gets to pick and have a huge say in everything.

If you are paying for it just tell her that her ideas are not really what you had in mind and what you had invisioned for your wedding. Since you and your FI are paying you are going to do what you like and know it will end up beautiful and hope she will like it.

In terms of the grandma song, this happend to me too but I am going to do it cause heck my grandma only has two granddaughters and who knows what will happen in the future. Just do it and let her dance and let it be. You don't have to play it the whole wedding just one song (for my Gma it is the polka she is german).

calliopeia2013 · February 2012

Echoing PPs- if she's paying she gets say proportionate to how much she's paying- i.e. if she's paying 100%, she gets 100% of the decison-making power (it's not very nice of her to use it, exactly, but she does have it). If she's paying and you don't like the decisions she's making, you can decline her offer to pay and host your own wedding.

If you're paying, you need to draw a firm line about the venue and especially the guest list, and as soon as possible, because you're an adult and it is completely not your mother's place to dictate how you spend your own money. (Though I do think playing one traditional song for your grandmother is an appropriate appeasing tactic.)

graysquirrel · February 2012

Ditto pps-- if mom pays, she gets input. You can always decline her $ if you don't want her ideas.

If you are paying for the wedding, you and your FI should sit down and calculate a budget. Rough out about how much things will cost and do research to see how much you can spend on each item. I used TK's budget tool a lot to start and then adjusted when I found out what things really costed and what I really wanted to spend. Once you get your budget and an idea of what you want, you will be able to tell your mom who you can afford to invite. If you don't want all those people there, you could even reduce the budget so that they will be 100% discluded.

Also, if you are paying for your wedding by yourself, I would cut mom out of the planning or let her do something really innocuous like trying ribbons or find your DJ or something. If it were me I think I'd play the grandma song. It is just one out of hours of music.

Like pp said, though, some moms get super excited. Mine looked at BM dresses nonstop for weeks but eventually cooled it and came back to planet earth. Hopefully yours will too!

FaithCaitlin · February 2012

If mom is paying, she gets a say.

If she isn't, kindly tell her that you and your FI are going to do XYZ or leave her out of the planning.

LWatkins83 · February 2012

Thank you everyone for your help. My FI and I's intentions were that we would pay for our own wedding. My mom never said that she would help pay for anything up until yesterday's fiasco. She stated "fine we aren't going to help you pay for anything." This was a shock because nothing was ever discussed previous to this. In any event.... I feel that we are paying for everything so why should she tell me where to have it or who to invite. Even if she wants to "help" and by that she means pay for flowers or the dj or something... She still should not have say on something she is not paying for.

ljdcom · February 2012

As the mother of the Bride (3-10-2012) I HAD some of the same feelings yours has however, I learned the following- IT ISNT MY WEDDING! its my daughters. I gently had to be reminded by OTHERS throughout this process that I already HAD my wedding and while i want the most amazing wedding for my daughter it has to be AMAZING for HER.. not me..Control freak that I am I just shifted gears and designed a wedding of HER dreams not mine. Understand that when a daughter gets married we go a wee bit bonkers and sometimes we forget while we may have been dreaming about this since the day she was born SHE ALSO has been dreaming. . I finally realized . A happy Bride is my priority and goal. .Regardless of WHO is paying Just sit down with your mother and tell her you need her help to make YOUR wedding the wedding of YOUR dreams and what she wants isnt on the same page as yours. Subtly remind her she had her wedding and if SHE didint have the wedding of HER dreams remind her that she shouldnt try to shove something on you that isnt your vision, and if she DID have the wedding of her dreams then ask her how SHE would feel if she wasnt allowed to have it ..Also give her specific items to be totaly in charge of like flowers or favors, or picking the table scapes and linens, always say what do you think get her input but make your decisions based on what YOU want Include her but dont give her full reign. Or get a wedding planner pay for it yourself and put them in charge of HER and the wedding.
AND if all else fails and she STILL doesnt back off , then go to DAD! tell your father she is out of control, seek his assistance and have HIM reel her in.. crying helps with fathers.(sad but true) .
As for your grandmothers music one siily song wont kill you you can gringe but when she is gone you wont have the regret of not making her happy by honoring her & that one silly request. Matter of fact to insure everyone knows it is HER music have the DJ or Band make a special annoucement that this song is your grandmothers favorite and in honor of her you have asked them to play it. invite EVERYONE to dance with your GRANDMOTHER.. you honor your grandmother letting everyone know its music especially for her. .. makes her feel special.. win win for all..
Bottom line is dont fight and Be happy !

ljdcom · February 2012

ALSO- Antoher thought-, you might want listen to her objections/suggestions re a beach wedding and weigh the pros and cons. Beach weddings while romantic are tricky and weather dependent- you might want to come to some sort of compromise that accomodates your desires and her practicality. A beach THEMED wedding at a place On the beach over looking the water with out getting too kitchy can be wonderful..

calliopeia2013 · February 2012

OP, I agree; your mom shouldn't have say over anything she isn't paying for. If she starts trying to take control of things, the only thing you may be able to do is gently exclude her from your planning. You know, "I'll take that into consideration, mom, thanks."

ljdcom, a quick internet safety note; if your username is in fact your actual personal email address, it's probably not the best idea to use it as a username or even post it on a public board. People on this board are nice people, but anybody on the internet can see this! Spambots and other malicious webcrawlers can easily pick up on things like that, too.

deegoings · February 2012

Remember: ITS YOUR WEDDING!!! While your parents may be making some contributions of some sort, you can give them some options in those aspects or come up with a compromise for something they insist on and you guys are comfortable with. And, you won't be out of line to tell them that you will consider their ideas when they give their input. Don't beat yourself up over it!! It's your day, your way .

pharmd2323 · February 2012

I love what ljdcom said!!!! My mom has complete opposite style from mine, and I finally just asked her if she wanted to plan my wedding for me. Now this is risky with some moms, but mine got my point and backed off. She asked what my opinion was on whatever the issue was I was talking to her about, then I responded, "I don't know mom, what do you think, you're planning it" and she would ask again, "It's not up to me, what's your opinion". We played that game for a few minutes and never had an argument over my wedding ideas since. The biggest thing I've noticed is everyone you talk to will want to re-live their own wedding. Just so long as they recognize they've already had their wedding and that this is yours, you should be ok. People often forget that what made their wedding so special and perfect was that it was theirs.. their decisions in planning, their personalities showing through, etc. Express that concept and you should be ok. There's something to be said for who's paying, but honestly, I've read things in etiquette books about how it's still your wedding. Maybe find a compromise. It sounds like money isn't really controlling the situation, so I say just follow what ljdcom said! Good luck!

TinyDancer06 · February 2012

If you're paying for your own wedding without the help of your mother, then it is ultimately up to you on what you would like, and would like to invite. If your mother wants to invite all of these other people, she should cover their portions. If you want to have it on the beach, and you're paying for it, have it on the beach (I quickly glanced at other comments about the unpredictability of having a beach wedding, so something to keep in mind).

As far as your third item, the traditionalist in me is saying to play that one song for your grandmother. First off, it's your grandmother, and it's only one song (2-3 minutes out of the whole reception), and it sounds like it's a family tradition of sorts. Plus, it could help break up the reception a little bit, and it would be one of those things people talk about afterwards ("Did you see the brides' grandmother on the dancefloor? She was a hit!").

My Own Mother! Help!

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