Bridesmaids, Bachelorette Party, Difficult Friend...

lalaweddingdiva · March 2012

some reason as to why that day is no good for her, and just has rude negative comments all around.

AngelRiddle · March 2012

I know how you feel as I've had to have this conversation with who would've been a MOH for my wedding. It's technically rude to "un-bridesmaid" someone, but you need someone who is reliable, especially for the MOH part. Just sit her down and briefly explain that you have decided to pick a different MOH in order to take stress off her (obviously, she's too busy for helping with wedding stuff), but tell her that you would love to see her show up at your wedding and have a good time. It's going to be awkward either way, but it's better to be upfront and honest than passive-aggressive which will make you no better than she is.

Bridesmaids dress shipping depends on the designer, I've found. The ones my BM's are ordering take 3-4 months to ship in. Others may take more or less time.

I picked my bridesmaids and MOH out a little more than a year out. I pretty much knew who I wanted in the group. You can pick whenever you want, so long as it's within enough time to order their dresses.

AngelRiddle · March 2012

*hugs* I'm sorry. Good luck!

RebeccaB88 · March 2012

The only things any of your bridesmaids are responsible for are getting their dresses and showing up in them at the wedding, clean, sober, and smiling for the camera.

None of the stuff you're complaining about is anything they're required to do. No parties, no shopping trips, no craft help. If they OFFER and WANT to do these things, then that's great and you can take them up on it. But they don't have to do it, and you don't have the right to get upset with them when they don't do it.

Your wedding is you and your FI's responsibility to plan - no one else's. And no one will be as excited about your wedding as you will.

Any kind of un-bridesmaiding or asking them to step down is rude and insulting and should be a friendship ender. There is no stress placed on them here - all they have to do is show up. If they can't do that, they will tell you so.

polichik · March 2012

Ok. I know that there will be a ton of responses tomorrow when the other ladies wake up, so I'll keep it short. -Your bridesmaids are there because they're your best friends. No other reason. -If your MOH offers to plan a bachelorette party and shower, awesome. If nobody offers, you don't have one. It's a bummer, but not everyone gets to have one. -Why would you keep people in your life as friends if they're mean and you don't like them? -Once you ask somebody to be in your bridal party, you can't change your mind unless you want to completely end the friendship. -Commenting on your friend not bringing a gift to your engagement party is pretty crappy on your part. Why would you even notice or care about something like that? That's not the point of the party. If your friend is being a bitch, don't have et as a bridesmaid, or really as a part of your life. Seriously. Life is too short to have people in your life who are spiteful.

Viczaesar · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-bachelorette-party-difficult-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fc714c2-a55e-4d6e-99f6-550bf1cdfbf9Post:51fad7bf-c989-4245-92fb-ac43227bcf33">Re: Bridesmaids, Bachelorette Party, Difficult Friend...</a>:
[QUOTE]I know how you feel as I've had to have this conversation with who would've been a MOH for my wedding. It's technically rude to "un-bridesmaid" someone, but you need someone who is reliable, especially for the MOH part. Just sit her down and briefly explain that you have decided to pick a different MOH in order to take stress off her (obviously, she's too busy for helping with wedding stuff), but tell her that you would love to see her show up at your wedding and have a good time. It's going to be awkward either way, but it's better to be upfront and honest than passive-aggressive which will make you no better than she is. Bridesmaids dress shipping depends on the designer, I've found. The ones my BM's are ordering take 3-4 months to ship in. Others may take more or less time. I picked my bridesmaids and MOH out a little more than a year out. I pretty much knew who I wanted in the group. You can pick whenever you want, so long as it's within enough time to order their dresses.
Posted by AngelRiddle[/QUOTE]
This is terrible advice. Kicking someone out of your wedding is a friendship ending move. She doesn't need to come to dress shopping or fittings, plan or attend showers or bachelorette parties, or any of that stuff.

A bridesmaid or MOH is someone YOU are honoring for being one of your closest friends. There are no jobs associated with it, other than showing up to the wedding on time in the selected attire - selected with their budget and comfort in mind. That's it. It's not your MOH's job to organize pre-wedding parties; those are gifts that can be given by anyone who wants and is able to do so.

It's also inappropriate for you to organize your own bachelorette party (or shower, for that matter). If no one offers to throw you one then you don't get one; they're option parties and presents that should be appreciated but never expected. But it's really too early for you to be worrying about not getting a bachelorette party anyway.

afeliz79 · March 2012

Just so you know AngelRiddle was wrong about most of the stuff she said. If someone sat me down and said they weren't picking me to be a bridesmaid or maid of honor to take stress off of me, first I would probably laugh in their face then I would be pissed! That's just ridiculous. If you don't want this girl in your wedding party just don't ask her. End of story.

LetsHikeToday · March 2012

I think it's really weird that you are going to have a conversation with someone about why they are not a bridesmaid. You don't think that would be rude or awkward? If you don't want to have her as a bridesmaid, don't. But bitching that she can't go to your appointment, didn't go to your graduation, or didn't get you an engagement gift sounds petty and demanding.

ggirl2001 · March 2012

I'm a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding and I didn't attend the engagement party OR give a gift. I guess I should resign then.

Op, that sounds ridiculous. You don't have to have her, but I'm not quite sure what you're so mad about. I wouldn't attend graduation ceremony either. Sorry, they're boring and I didn't like going to my own. Maybe she didn't have money for a gift.

The being late, is she always late? Why did you invite her to go dress shopping with you? Maybe she didn't want to go and didn't know how to tell you.

Habs2Hart · March 2012

Wait, you haven't selected your bridal party yet and there's this big hoopla surrounding it?

Okay, here's some tips.

1) Don't pick the shitty friend unless you are 100% willing to accept that this is how she is and place absolutely zero expectations on her other than buying a dress and showing up the day of. She won't change because you're getting married and likely having her in the BP will piss you off further and will kill your relationship. I'd leave her out.

2) Pick your nearest and dearest friends/family as your BP. People who you cannot imagine spending your day without them by your side. Same as above, place no expectations on them other than dress and wedding. If you don't place ridiculous expectations, you won't be disappointed.

3) you owe no explanation to those who you do not choose. So if they ask, change the subject.

4) Sides dont have to be equal. You could just have your MOH if you want, no matter how many guys your Fl has.

Laurahan1127 · March 2012

You are not obligated to have anyone as a bridesmaid. If you don't want her to be one (and it sounds like you don't), just don't ask her. Done. You are also free to only have a MOH, if avoiding the drama of choosing between these girls as bridesmaids is more stressful to you than it's worth. All you need is a witness.

I don't know how she is treating you personally, but her actions don't seem that inappropriate to me. Presents aren't required at engagement parties, no one is obligated to go shopping with you or attend your parties, and I definitely didn't expect anyone to attend my graduation except my mother. And even if she had skipped it, that would have been fine. I would have skipped it if I could have.

I am guessing that this is actually about how she is relating to you personally, so you are getting upset about these things that are not a big deal, which is understandable. If this is true and she is being cold to you or mean to you, I would try to figure out what the problem between you is so you can fix it or at least understand it, not try to figure out how to make her more involved in your wedding planning. Your fiance (and your parents, if they are hosting), are the only people you really need to talk about your wedding with. Some people are interested in those things, but lots of people aren't, and that's ok. It's not their wedding. Maybe she is tired of hearing about it and needs some time with your without all the wedding talk. Maybe there is something in her life that she needs YOUR support with. Ask her. Or just go have a night out with her without mentioning the wedding. Just because your life revolves around it right now doesn't mean hers needs to. If she has been a good friend to you in the past, figure out what is going on, and be patient with her. If you two have never been able to relate to each other well, maybe it is time to drift apart.

Also, you should not be throwing your own bachelorette party. That is a not ok, even if not doing so means you won't have one.I don't think I am having one, because my bridesmaids are all out of state, and that's ok. I love them, and I just want them at my wedding looking beautiful, as they always do!

sparent2010 · March 2012

I understand going shopping with the bride if I was a bridesmaid. Since you have not asked her whythefuck did you expect her to be there? People have other things to do, and honestly if something came up I wouldn't expect it to be that big of a deal.

Your BMs and MOH are your nearest and dearest whose responsibilities extend to wearing an agreed upon dress and standing next to you at the wedding.

Regarding B party- if you MOH/BMs offer to host a Bridal Shower or Bachlorette Party... great. If not you don't have one. There are plenty of girls here who are foregoing prewedding parties.

Engagement parties are not really gift giving events and you seemed wrapped up in the fact you didn't get a gift from here.

Dresses really depend on the store

Pick you WP 9 months in advance.

chelseamb11 · March 2012

OP, methinks all this spitefulness and cattyness is made up by the part of your brain that expects way too much of your friends and bridesmaids/MOH.

ceh789 · March 2012

I don't understand why you would consider asking someone who doesn't want to spend time with you, and who you think is mean to you, to be a bridesmaid. I REALLY don't understand why you would consider sitting down your friends and explaining why you didn't ask them to be a bridesmaid. I cannot think of a ruder thing to do.

aragx6 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-bachelorette-party-difficult-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fc714c2-a55e-4d6e-99f6-550bf1cdfbf9Post:40437548-588c-47f2-99d1-fd16233ad657">Re: Bridesmaids, Bachelorette Party, Difficult Friend...</a>:
[QUOTE]I want to know why you're dragging random friends to dress appointments. I wouldn't go either. In fact, I've only ever been to one dress appointment. Mine. The rest of it I won't touch with a ten foot pole.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. Honestly I was stunned all my BMs wanted to come with me (they kind of invited themselves lol!) -- but I also live out of town and don't get to see them frequently.

ceh789 · March 2012

[QUOTE]IIt's rude comments, negative comments, nothing positive whatsoever. <div>...</div><div>I am very hurt by this because she is without question one of my closest friends and I cannot imagine my day without her there.
Posted by lalaweddingdiva[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>
You need to make better friends. This isn't a bridesmaid problem at all. This is you allowing people who are rude and negative to be in your life.</div>

lalaweddingdiva · March 2012

This was very helpful, thanks!

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-bachelorette-party-difficult-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fc714c2-a55e-4d6e-99f6-550bf1cdfbf9Post:efee59db-74ac-4f33-970c-1fffd29c066e">Re: Bridesmaids, Bachelorette Party, Difficult Friend...</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait, you haven't selected your bridal party yet and there's this big hoopla surrounding it? Okay, here's some tips. 1) Don't pick the shitty friend unless you are 100% willing to accept that this is how she is and place absolutely zero expectations on her other than buying a dress and showing up the day of. She won't change because you're getting married and likely having her in the BP will piss you off further and will kill your relationship. I'd leave her out. 2) Pick your nearest and dearest friends/family as your BP. People who you cannot imagine spending your day without them by your side. Same as above, place no expectations on them other than dress and wedding. If you don't place ridiculous expectations, you won't be disappointed. 3) you owe no explanation to those who you do not choose. So if they ask, change the subject. 4) Sides dont have to be equal. You could just have your MOH if you want, no matter how many guys your Fl has.
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

lalaweddingdiva · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-bachelorette-party-difficult-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fc714c2-a55e-4d6e-99f6-550bf1cdfbf9Post:f6855fda-97ce-4a48-8c5d-78fb1cf2a4e7">Re: Bridesmaids, Bachelorette Party, Difficult Friend...</a>:
[QUOTE]You need to make better friends. This isn't a bridesmaid problem at all. This is you allowing people who are rude and negative to be in your life.
Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]

Point taken. I don't know how to deal with it either I get very stressed out and just let it bother me and not say anything. She's only been like this recently though. The two hours late thing really bothers me because she's usually always on time and more than an hour late seems rude for anyone.

Habs2Hart · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-bachelorette-party-difficult-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fc714c2-a55e-4d6e-99f6-550bf1cdfbf9Post:45610f78-1098-4d7a-a28d-bec22bd4b578">Re: Bridesmaids, Bachelorette Party, Difficult Friend...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids, Bachelorette Party, Difficult Friend... : Point taken. I don't know how to deal with it either I get very stressed out and just let it bother me and not say anything. She's only been like this recently though. The two hours late thing really bothers me because she's usually always on time and more than an hour late seems rude for anyone.
Posted by lalaweddingdiva[/QUOTE]

Honestly, I'd leave it with her. Let it fizzle out on your end, but stop reaching out to her. If she misses you, she'll come back into your life, but I'd be reluctant to let her back in. You don't need shitty friends. Just keep planning and stop trying to reach out to her.

As for the big wedding you didn't want. What a perfect opportunity to just have you MOH stand up with you. Then you don't have to deal with the rest of the BP and if she asks, you can just say you're just having your MOH and nobody else.

ceh789 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-bachelorette-party-difficult-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fc714c2-a55e-4d6e-99f6-550bf1cdfbf9Post:45610f78-1098-4d7a-a28d-bec22bd4b578">Re: Bridesmaids, Bachelorette Party, Difficult Friend...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids, Bachelorette Party, Difficult Friend... : Point taken. I don't know how to deal with it either I get very stressed out and just let it bother me and not say anything. She's only been like this recently though. The two hours late thing really bothers me because she's usually always on time and more than an hour late seems rude for anyone.
Posted by lalaweddingdiva[/QUOTE]<div><div>
</div><div>Learning to remove negative people from your life is part of growing up. If this is a skill you lack and you really don't know how to develop it - I suggest talking with a behavioral therapist with the specific goal of learning how to do this. Let me be clear, I'm not saying that you're crazy. This is a basic relationship skill that a counsellor can help you develop.</div></div>

lalaweddingdiva · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-bachelorette-party-difficult-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fc714c2-a55e-4d6e-99f6-550bf1cdfbf9Post:a701ec73-3f5c-48bc-96d9-c089d3eefccb">Re: Bridesmaids, Bachelorette Party, Difficult Friend...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids, Bachelorette Party, Difficult Friend... : Honestly, I'd leave it with her. Let it fizzle out on your end, but stop reaching out to her. If she misses you, she'll come back into your life, but I'd be reluctant to let her back in. You don't need shitty friends. Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

Good call, thanks :)

melminna · March 2012

OP, there's a saying that has helped me in my life. There are friends who will come in to your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Sometimes, those ones you think were lifetime friends turn out not to be. And that's okay. Sometimes friendships run their course and fizzle out, and that's when you see they were there for a reason or a season and were not meant to be a life long friend.

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