Actual wedding related post.

kimheartsscott · July 2010

I need some opinions here.

From the beginning of wedding planning, I have always wanted an immediate family + grandparents only guest list. For us, that would be about 20 people. From the beginning, I made this known to both Scott and my parents, but we went ahead with the bigger guest list (125) because Scott is really close to his extended family, and I would never take that away from him.

Well, for a while now we have been debating doing the immediate family only guest list for the ceremony, and holding a larger reception with extended family. From what I know, as long as there is that clear cut off, that is fine etiquette wise, right?

My mom has taken issue with this. Because a lot of her side of the family is from out of town, she seems to think this will ruin everybody's lives and nobody will ever forgive me. She said she "might be able to get over it" if more people were local. Also, because our wedding is during the holiday season, we sent save the dates. She thinks doing a private ceremony is akin to uninviting everyone who received a save the date. Obviously, Scott and I don't see it that way.

So, who is right here? I seriously don't know anymore. Are there special rules because some people are coming from out of town? Am I being a horrible bitch?

ETA: FWIW, I didn't just spring this on my mom. I told her about 3 or 4 months ago that we were seriously considering a private ceremony. She didn't say anything until a few days ago.

Knittibell · July 2010

Ok, I'll just give my honest opinions here- If I traveled from out of town to see your wedding, it means I really love you and want to see your wedding. I'd be sad to miss the ceremony, and would maybe feel like I didn't matter that much.

Also, if Scott really wanted these people included, wouldn't he want them there for the ceremony, too?

It seems to me you've included the people most important to you, and while ideally it would have been a really small number of people, it turns out you've got a lot more people to love than you thought, and really, why not have them there to witness your marriage?

That said, although I'd be sad, disappointed and maybe a little hurt, it certainly would not ruin my life, and I certainly would get over it, and not be angry with you.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

I don't understand the issue of inviting them to the ceremony. If they're coming to the reception anyway, what's so wrong with them attending the ceremony? It doesn't make it any less special to have more people there.

I wouldn't go to a wedding if I was only invited to the reception. I'd feel like I wasn't considered important enough to actually see the couple get married, so why would I bother showing up to a reception? Especially if I was coming in from OOT.

maratea · July 2010

We only had immediate and extended family at our ceremony, then had friends and family at the reception. I really only wanted immediate family and grandparents at the ceremony, but MIL made a big stink about her family being there, so we compromised. Also the church where we got married only holds around 60 people, and 50 of those people were my family.

It sounds like you've compromised a lot already, and I'd say if you really want an immediate family only ceremony, do it. Your other guests, while they may be disappointed, will get over it. Or, if they don't like it, they won't come.

katiewhompus · July 2010

Eh, I'll admit I don't see the point of having an intimate ceremony with a wider reception. I too would be a bit hurt if I drove a long distance to see your wedding, was then told I couldn't come to the ceremony but could stay for the reception. The point of them coming is to watch you guys say your vows, not just to eat and drink on your dime.

kimheartsscott · July 2010

Knitti - Scott wants to invite the whole world. That is part of the reason we debated the private ceremony thing for so long, he couldn't make up his mind. Since he has made up his mind though, we gets "but are you SURE?" from me all the time. I definitely don't want him to regret it later, and he has told me over and over again that he won't.

As far as why I want the private ceremony, I am just a very private person. Scott understands and respects that. This is our compromise. I honestly wouldn't mind if I wasn't invited to a private ceremony (tiered receptions, yes I would mind) but maybe that is just because I'm more inclined to the private ceremony myself? That's why I'm wondering people's opinions.

kimheartsscott · July 2010

Katie - That's one of the things my mom is worried about. But really, it's not like they are going to show up and then I'm going to shout "SURPRISE! You missed it." It would be all out on the table before people started making travel plans.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_actual-wedding-related-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:d9333f27-e21b-4973-9f42-4ca072f3cfadPost:dfd187d1-61a6-4319-a9c6-c6c174ba3664">Re: Actual wedding related post.</a>:
[QUOTE]Eh, I'll admit I don't see the point of having an intimate ceremony with a wider reception. I too would be a bit hurt if I drove a long distance to see your wedding, was then told I couldn't come to the ceremony but could stay for the reception. The point of them coming is to watch you guys say your vows, not just to eat and drink on your dime.
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.

kimheartsscott · July 2010

I will admit I am getting really frustrated about this whole thing. I have gotten countless "You wanted to go to the courthouse? So you don't want a real wedding?" comments and it's hard to explain to people that this has nothing to do with money or not wanting to stand up in front of people because I'm shy. It's possible my mom is picking up on my frustration and reacting to that, I guess.

katiewhompus · July 2010

Yeah, but it still kind of says "You aren't important enough to see our vows, but please bring us presents" to me.

I see where you are coming from with wanting a private ceremony, I really do. I just think that ship has already sailed away.

Steph0871 · July 2010

The only time I see a "tiered" wedding as ok is in certain circumstances. One of my friends had a small ceremony and dinner, but invited EVERYONE to the dancing/drinking later that night. No one was offended, because everyone knew ahead of time. However, the big dance/drinking never had formal invitations.

I have to agree with your mom... if they received STDs, they're assuming they're invited. If you tell them now that they are not invited to the ceremony, many of them might not come? Unless that's what you want...

Out of curiosity- why do you want to restrict the ceremony guest list so much? ETA: you answered while I was taking my time posting.

MeaghanandMichael · July 2010

I am with mom here and Kati Whompus.

Also, I am confused (in general) about private ceremonies. It doesn't add up to me that some one would want to be private about their wedding but then throw a huge party about something they didn't want other people to witness.

AdeleDazeem · July 2010

I'm going to against the grain a little bit.

I very very very much wanted an immediate family only ceremony - that is 15 people, including my fiance and I. I couldn't imagine anything else and didn't want to do anything else. Both my fiance and I still have extended family and many friends that we'd like to celebrate with so we decided to do a destination wedding and an at home reception.

I may not explain this well and I'm sure it will be flame-worthy, but here it is. To me, a wedding ceremony is very personal and is about slightly more than two people bringing their lives together. My sister is getting a brother in law, I'm becoming a sister in law to his siblings, my parents are gaining a son in law, I am becoming someone's daughter in law, etc... I don't like the idea of exchanging vows in front of my mom's coworkers. It makes me uncomfortable. I'm happy to party it up with them and celebrate a our commitment, but I'd prefer if the ceremony was private.

This is just me. If you want a private ceremony - have it. But, I think the problem lies in that you've already sent out Save the Dates for a wedding. People will expect a wedding... not just a party.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

Yeah I still stand with my original opinion, and what katie said. It says only certain people are important enough to see you say your vows, but everyone is welcome to come to the reception, bring gifts, and celebrate a wedding they didn't even get to see happen.

At least, that's how I would take it. Maybe your guests will see it differently. It'd be one thing if no one was invited except for a witness, but that's not the case here. 'm also a very private person and wanted a smaller ceremony/reception, but the thought of hurting people who love me won out over all else.

kimheartsscott · July 2010

Auuugh fcuk. Thank god I plan on only doing this once. Sounds like I should just suck it up.

katiewhompus · July 2010

Here's something to think about too Kim. I'm an incredibly shy, to the point of it being self destructive, so I really do understand where you are coming from with shyness. We had 60 people at our wedding, relatives and our friends, and I was still terrified about saying vows in front of them. I also knew that they would be incredibly hurt if they never saw me get married, and Scott's relatives not seeing him get married was practically blasphemous.
Honestly, once I stepped out from behind the screen and saw him it was all over. I didn't notice a single person in the crowd and wasn't thinking about them at all through the whole ceremony.

J&K10910 · July 2010

I really don't see anything wrong with a private ceremony and a bigger reception, as long as there is a clear cut off--like you already mentioned. I do thikn that since you sent STDs, people might be a little perplexed about only get reception invites though. And you do have to realize if you do this that you might have some people that are offended and won't come at all.

I probably wouldn't travel a great distance for just the reception,a nd I wouldn't travel at all if it was just going to be like apps and cake and such, but if you're doing some sort of open bar (even just beer and wine is good enough for me) and a full meal with good food, I would travel a few hours just for that. But that's just me.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

FWIW, I had 111 people at the ceremony and hardly remember seeing any of them. All I could focus on was H and the ceremony itself. The only people I even remember being there (at the ceremony, not the reeception) were the ones who participated in the blanket ceremony. It went by so fast and it was pretty easy to tune everything else out.

kimheartsscott · July 2010

Nothing to do with shyness, Katie, but thanks for the advice.

I think part of it is I see save the dates as just that, a heads up that you will be invited to an event on that date. Maybe the event is the ceremony, maybe the reception, maybe both. I was partially wondering if anybody else thought of them that way? Or if save the dates = ceremony invite.

kimheartsscott · July 2010

I think Joy kind of explained how I feel about the whole thing. Not to be a bitch, but this guest list really isn't mine. I don't want to hurt any feelings which is why we were considering this compromise.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

Why isn't the guest list yours? Is your mom paying for the wedding? I don't understand why anyone would invite people to a wedding they aren't close to and wouldn't want at the ceremony, but if someone else is paying then that's the price you pay, I guess.

katiewhompus · July 2010

For me a save the date would be the ceremony. The only thing I can think of to relate it to would be a graduation party, but even that isn't close. Like
"Save the Date, Jill graduates college and we want you to be there"
But you aren't invited to see her walk the stage or get her diploma, you just get to eat the cheese plate afterwards. It's kind of like missing the main event.

Knittibell · July 2010

Well, I actually also will say that the reception is the fun part. If you're REALLY stuck on this, then make it super immediate family only, and have the reception only people be able to show up to the reception site and maybe start drinking/ munching earlier than the ceremony people.

But I think there is a good chance one or both of you will look back 20 years from now, and wish you'd just had everyone there. On the day, you are SO focused on your FI and your vows, that you really, truly, don't notice anyone but him and the officiant. I very much doubt you'd look back and say "man, I wish our friends weren't there when we got married" - but you might look back and think the opposite.

Just throwing it out there.

You could always skip the mic... or, er... not plug it in... on purpose. That way what you guys say will be very private, and everyone will just think there were technical difficulties.

Knittibell · July 2010

My impression was the guest list is not HERS, it's THEIRS, and the other people are people her fiance really wants there?

AdeleDazeem · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_actual-wedding-related-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:d9333f27-e21b-4973-9f42-4ca072f3cfadPost:da7a143e-0b1d-4eb2-b8a3-f5b60b18789b">Re: Actual wedding related post.</a>:
[QUOTE]Why isn't the guest list yours? Is your mom paying for the wedding? I don't understand why anyone would invite people to a wedding they aren't close to and wouldn't want at the ceremony, but if someone else is paying then that's the price you pay, I guess.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

My parents feel it is their duty on earth to pay for and host my wedding. I am fine with this and will be eternally grateful for their generosity. Obviously, this means they pick the guest list. My concerns came up early in planning, they listened and understood, so we compromised. They are thrilled to host a larger party that is not on the wedding day and we are thrilled with our immediate family only wedding.

npasquale16 · July 2010

I get what you're saying about the guest list and the STDs, Kim.

First, to me, STDs are exactly what you said, just a heads up that an event is hapening. However, in my mind, wedding and reception go hand in hand, so I would be a little surprised to find out I was invited just to the reception.

Next, my FI's family is HUGE. Both of his parents are remarried and he considers everyone part of his family. At least 100 out of the 160 on our tentative guest list is from his family. In fact, I've had to limit the amount of friends I'm inviting (at least on our tentative list) so that we can accomodate his whole family. But I know it's so important to him that they're invited, so it is what it is.

In terms of the OP and what Joy said, I get that the ceremony is private to a lot of people. However, I think most people will be insulted if they are only invted to the reception--kind of like, wait, I didn't make the super-exclusive wedding? Since our wedding is over Thanksgiving, we are hosting Thanksgiving dinner with our immediate families in order to privately celebrate the union of both (or, techinically, four) families. This way, the families meet and get to know each other and celebrate together. Then our wedding is for everyone to enjoy.

kimheartsscott · July 2010

Katie, that makes sense with the graduation comparison.

Knitti, I like that idea

Really, this is the only decision I've put my foot down on. Maybe I'm more stomping my feet and whining than I realized.

Knittibell · July 2010

No, I get where you're coming from... but I think once you opened up to compromising on the guest list, you opened a door that can't really be closed again.

Hey, at least your HM will be private, right?

noodle_oo · July 2010

I'd be pissed if i was a guest who got a save the date assuming I was invited for the whole thing, made travel arrangements and then foudn out later I "didn't make the cut" for the ceremony. What is the big deal with having everyone at the ceremony? If you are inviting them for the reception, I would include them for the entire event.

noodle_oo · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_actual-wedding-related-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:d9333f27-e21b-4973-9f42-4ca072f3cfadPost:94766401-99e5-4b30-8df7-bb9473919401">Re: Actual wedding related post.</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, but it still kind of says "You aren't important enough to see our vows, but please bring us presents" to me. I see where you are coming from with wanting a private ceremony, I really do. I just think that ship has already sailed away.
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]

Agree with this 100%.

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