Could it be over before it begins?!

MissChina865 · September 2012

My fiance and I have been together for a 1 1/2 years so far, and been engaged 9 months . He was always so sweet and attentive in the beginning. I have fibromyalgia which keeps me in pain most days out of the week. He used to cater to me during those times, now, he turns a blind eye (or so I feel). We went grocery shopping yesterday and of things, my back tensed up and my legs literally didnt want to work! I continued to press my way through the shopping trip and he said nothing. When we are done, as we are walking to the car, he walks ahead of me like we're not together and starts putting groceries in the trunk. I grabbed a bag and put it in the trunk and he says, 'I can see your in pain, I'll put the groceries, go ahead and get in the truck.' Out of habit I get in the driver's seat and it took me at least 5 minutes to get in. When he gets in, I'm still struggling to get my left leg in the door. He sits and watches me do all this and then asks me if I would like him to drive. I don't say anything. So he says nevermind.

What I don't get, if you see me in pain why do I have to ask you to help me? He's known me long enough to know what this pain is all about and the effects that it takes on my body. So I checked him on it and told him if he is my husband to be, you should take charge!! Apparently he didn't like that, so he hasn't talked to me since yesterday. Now he's saying he's not a mind reader and since I didn't open my mouth and say anything, he didn't do anything.

I don't believe I'm wrong about being upset. I need advice, PLEASE HELP!!!!!!

nmsterni914 · September 2012

Though I do not face a sickness like you do, I have been in your shoes before. My now fiance was always attentive and caring (and sometimes smothering) when we first started dating and then it wore off. We began fighting a lot and spent what shouldve been our first thanksgiving together, not even speaking for an entire week. We worked through our problems and now our communication is much better. Its sometimes us yelling at each other but we're at least communicating. Though your fiance should know the 'routine' by now and should be a little more sensitive to your situation, you cant expect him to know how you feel all the time. What may seem obvious to us, isn't always that way to them. Tell him how your feeling when you feel hes ignoring you. Ask him for help when you need it. Don't expect him to do things if he honestly may have no idea. I do agree that him knowing your in pain and not offering help is upsetting but asking him to take charge isnt what being a husband is about. Its about communication as a couple. Don't wait for him to help you, ask him for a hand. Men don't think like we do. Sometimes, its almost like dealing with a child. They just don't know. My fiance and I have had those arguments more times than I can count. Youd be amazed at how much better things can be when the doors of communication have been opened. I wish you the best of luck with things! Don't give up so easily though! Everything that is broken can be fixed!!

JBSMADA10 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_could-it-be-over-before-it-begins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:d464dfae-efc2-4fa0-9a45-c74382f89fd6Post:22667626-48e9-4fa7-9376-a7a0eb94acfc">Could it be over before it begins?!</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have been together for a 1 1/2 years so far, and been engaged 9 months . He was always so sweet and attentive in the beginning. I have fibromyalgia which keeps me in pain most days out of the week. He used to cater to me during those times, now, he turns a blind eye (or so I feel). We went grocery shopping yesterday and of things, my back tensed up and my legs literally didnt want to work! I continued to press my way through the shopping trip and he said nothing. When we are done, as we are walking to the car, he walks ahead of me like we're not together and starts putting groceries in the trunk. I grabbed a bag and put it in the trunk and he says, 'I can see your in pain, I'll put the groceries, go ahead and get in the truck.' Out of habit I get in the driver's seat and it took me at least 5 minutes to get in. When he gets in, I'm still struggling to get my left leg in the door. He sits and watches me do all this and then asks me if I would like him to drive. I don't say anything. So he says nevermind. What I don't get, if you see me in pain why do I have to ask you to help me? He's known me long enough to know what this pain is all about and the effects that it takes on my body. So I checked him on it and told him if he is my husband to be, you should take charge!! Apparently he didn't like that, so he hasn't talked to me since yesterday. Now he's saying he's not a mind reader and since I didn't open my mouth and say anything, he didn't do anything. I don't believe I'm wrong about being upset. I need advice, PLEASE HELP!!!!!!
Posted by MissChina865[/QUOTE]

Did you guys get into an argument before going to the store. Is his ignoring your pain recently new? Is their something going on with his job? Sadly, actions speak louder than words. The way I see it, if he knew you were in such deep pain he would've told you to go to the passenger side instead of letting you start to get into the drivers side. His lack of attention is a RED FLAG. Now the way my boyfriend sees it is, you went to the driver's side, making him think that maybe you weren't in as much pain as you appeared to be in to impair your driving. Men can be dumb, sorry but when in doubt communicate it out. Even the blatantly obvious stuff.

myrinae · September 2012

Ditto to everything the PPs have said (except the 'red flag'--if this was a one time thing, he may have had something heavy on his mind). Was this a one time incident, or has he been like this more than once? If he's been sweet and attentive since the beginning, and this just happened one time, he may have just been having a bad day or had something else on his mind.

I can't tell you how many spats my FI and I had due to miscommunication and me stubbornly thinking he should know exactly what I was feeling and why I was upset. Communication is key, and misunderstandings lead to a lot of unnecessary squabbles.

Good luck, and I'm sure once you talk with him, you'll feel better.

MissChina865 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_could-it-be-over-before-it-begins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:d464dfae-efc2-4fa0-9a45-c74382f89fd6Post:0ef24b25-7e52-439c-96b6-2b8d4c423d06">Re: Could it be over before it begins?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Though I do not face a sickness like you do, I have been in your shoes before. My now fiance was always attentive and caring (and sometimes smothering) when we first started dating and then it wore off. We began fighting a lot and spent what shouldve been our first thanksgiving together, not even speaking for an entire week. We worked through our problems and now our communication is much better. Its sometimes us yelling at each other but we're at least communicating. Though your fiance should know the 'routine' by now and should be a little more sensitive to your situation, you cant expect him to know how you feel all the time. What may seem obvious to us, isn't always that way to them. Tell him how your feeling when you feel hes ignoring you. Ask him for help when you need it. Don't expect him to do things if he honestly may have no idea. I do agree that him knowing your in pain and not offering help is upsetting but asking him to take charge isnt what being a husband is about. Its about communication as a couple. Don't wait for him to help you, ask him for a hand. Men don't think like we do. Sometimes, its almost like dealing with a child. They just don't know. My fiance and I have had those arguments more times than I can count. Youd be amazed at how much better things can be when the doors of communication have been opened. I wish you the best of luck with things! Don't give up so easily though! Everything that is broken can be fixed!!
Posted by nmsterni914[/QUOTE]

I completely agree with this. We definitely have a wall blocking a locked door to our communication. I have told him time and time again that we should seek counseling before we say 'I do'. He is a good man just set in his ways I guess. But he would begin to understand if I acted that way with him. He wouldn't like it at all. I will take the advice and give this thing a try

MissChina865 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_could-it-be-over-before-it-begins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:d464dfae-efc2-4fa0-9a45-c74382f89fd6Post:8dc85109-5cf2-4b6f-82f7-bed23b603be1">Re: Could it be over before it begins?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto to everything the PPs have said (except the 'red flag'--if this was a one time thing, he may have had something heavy on his mind). Was this a one time incident, or has he been like this more than once? If he's been sweet and attentive since the beginning, and this just happened one time, he may have just been having a bad day or had something else on his mind. I can't tell you how many spats my FI and I had due to miscommunication and me stubbornly thinking he should know exactly what I was feeling and why I was upset. Communication is key, and misunderstandings lead to a lot of unnecessary squabbles. Good luck, and I'm sure once you talk with him, you'll feel better. :)
Posted by myrinae[/QUOTE]

This is the second time someething like this has happened. The first time I ended up in the hospital and he did even help to the ambulance or go with me. I told him how I felt about it later and he apologized and said it would never happen again, but it has. I understand having this on your mind, I just think when it comes to family, somethings have to be put aside. I have 5 children that I deal with all the time and something is always coming up but when there is something wrong with him, he expects me to drop everything, ignore the kids and concentrate on him. The first reply hit it on the head: I'm dealing with another grown-man child.
Thanks for the advice. I feel a bit better just venting.

mandi195 · September 2012

I haven't ready any of the PP, however, I had to jump in and say something. As a woman with fibromyalgia and ME/CFS, I understand your pain more than most. That said, I can also relate to how fabulous it is to have someone in your life who is caring and attentive. My FI is the same way.

That said, I also know that sometimes I get frustrated if/when he tries to help me too much. I don't like that I have this pain and fatigue, and sometimes take his helping the wrong way and say things like, "I can handle it!" or, other short, quick comments because I get frustrated when I feel like I ALWAYS need help.
I don't know your situation exactly, but is it possible that maybe he thought you wanted to do it yourself, specifically because you didn't ask for help? After multiple times of me being frustrated by this awful illness, my FI now waits for me to ask for help, as he knows sometimes I take his assistance as an insult, as stupid as that sounds. (It's me, I'm super independent and don't take well to feeling like people think I'm needy or "broken")...

I know it can be frustrating when you want the help, but on the other hand, what if you had gone alone? He wouldn't have been there to help, so maybe he assumed you could handle it yourself.

However, if I am way off base on this (as I am only speaking from personal experience as someone who shares your illness), I would suggest just trying to talk to him about it calmly. This illness is difficult for people to understand sometimes, even if they've been exposed to it for years. And, as you know, some days are better than others; some worse. This is the man you love, and he clearly loves you; try not to take it personally unless it continues to happen. As you get frustrated by your illness sometimes, there are times when it will be frustrating for those in your life as well. It's not fair, and it sucks, and I know that; but sometimes we have to see beyond ourselves and know that it's frustrating for everyone involved at some point. Keep your head up, OP. I'm sure this is just a situational thing, and I hope that I'm right. Best to you and your FI in the future.

myrinae · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_could-it-be-over-before-it-begins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:d464dfae-efc2-4fa0-9a45-c74382f89fd6Post:f0355010-c1fa-49c9-868a-a363b8bddaf8">Re: Could it be over before it begins?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Could it be over before it begins?! : This is the second time someething like this has happened. The first time I ended up in the hospital and he did even help to the ambulance or go with me. I told him how I felt about it later and he apologized and said it would never happen again, but it has.
Posted by MissChina865[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yikes--that stinks. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this in addition to health problems and five children. After hearing that he didn't even help you go to the ambulance or go to the hospital, that does seem like a bit more of a problem. Do you think he might be feeling overwhelmed at all as well? Maybe counseling together if that is the case?</div><div>
</div><div>I hope everything works out well for you!

</div>

catrb89 · September 2012

That's really horrible, I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. I think you should definitely have an in depth conversation with him about this. One of the defining moments in my relationship was when my gastroparesis worsened and I was vomiting and in pain nearly every day. Over the past 2 years, he's consistently taken care of me. I know there are times where they may wax or wane, but he's never ignored my pain or discomfort. This is a red flag to me.
If you're a proud individual, as I certainly can be, maybe he wants to give you some space so he isn't smothering you, which is a good thing!! But I definitely think you should clarify what's going on. His perception can change the action entirely.
Good luck and feel better!

MissChina865 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_could-it-be-over-before-it-begins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:d464dfae-efc2-4fa0-9a45-c74382f89fd6Post:d92d2b92-ef67-47d6-a1fd-3159583a6270">Re: Could it be over before it begins?!</a>:
[QUOTE]I haven't ready any of the PP, however, I had to jump in and say something. As a woman with fibromyalgia and ME/CFS, I understand your pain more than most. That said, I can also relate to how fabulous it is to have someone in your life who is caring and attentive. My FI is the same way. That said, I also know that sometimes I get frustrated if/when he tries to help me too much. I don't like that I have this pain and fatigue, and sometimes take his helping the wrong way and say things like, "I can handle it!" or, other short, quick comments because I get frustrated when I feel like I ALWAYS need help. I don't know your situation exactly, but is it possible that maybe he thought you wanted to do it yourself, specifically because you didn't ask for help? After multiple times of me being frustrated by this awful illness, my FI now waits for me to ask for help, as he knows sometimes I take his assistance as an insult, as stupid as that sounds. (It's me, I'm super independent and don't take well to feeling like people think I'm needy or "broken")... I know it can be frustrating when you want the help, but on the other hand, what if you had gone alone? He wouldn't have been there to help, so maybe he assumed you could handle it yourself. However, if I am way off base on this (as I am only speaking from personal experience as someone who shares your illness), I would suggest just trying to talk to him about it calmly. This illness is difficult for people to understand sometimes, even if they've been exposed to it for years. And, as you know, some days are better than others; some worse. This is the man you love, and he clearly loves you; try not to take it personally unless it continues to happen. As you get frustrated by your illness sometimes, there are times when it will be frustrating for those in your life as well. It's not fair, and it sucks, and I know that; but sometimes we have to see beyond ourselves and know that it's frustrating for everyone involved at some point. Keep your head up, OP. I'm sure this is just a situational thing, and I hope that I'm right. Best to you and your FI in the future.
Posted by mandi195[/QUOTE]

That sounds like me all the way! This sickness came out of the blue back in 2009 and I get a little depressed every now and then. Then I'm in extreme pain right from an infection in my tooth, on top of everything else. I hate feeling helpless and dependent!

MissChina865 · September 2012

Thank you guys for posting some good advice and things to think about. I know I can be a hard person to deal with sometimes, I just expect alot from the man that says he wants to marry me. I know no relationship or man is perfect, but I want my man to be perfect for me, and this man is close, there are just some things that need to be worked out. I pray we do.
Thanks again

dewingedpixie · September 2012

If this is a regular thing it is a red flag, if its a one time thing its not a big deal. I'm an endurance athlete with medical issues that cause chronic pain. My fiance has been with me through thick and thin. He's my greatest cheerleader when I finish a big race, but also always there on the days I can barely walk, or when I broke my leg on crutches. Marraige is about taking care of someone. I take care of him when he's hungry, when he needs a friend, needs a back scratch etc. Sure he takes care of me more than I probably do him at times but he's always there for me and I'm thankful for that. I hope you find a fix to your situation, just remember that chronic pain is debilitating for us but our suffering is also debilitating for those who much watch and cant do anything to stop it. It is emotionally draining for both sides.

mandi195 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_could-it-be-over-before-it-begins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:d464dfae-efc2-4fa0-9a45-c74382f89fd6Post:325f1183-b5b3-4974-9e79-f68de184a68b">Re: Could it be over before it begins?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Could it be over before it begins?! : That sounds like me all the way! This sickness came out of the blue back in 2009 and I get a little depressed every now and then. Then I'm in extreme pain right from an infection in my tooth, on top of everything else. I hate feeling helpless and dependent!
Posted by MissChina865[/QUOTE]

Hang in there! I can relate. On top of my fibro and ME/CFS, I've had 3 migraines in the past 3 days... I've been a mess, and when FI offered to put some BioFreeze (seriously, live saving stuff) on my back for me, I just broke down crying and apologizing to him for being so broken, needy, and whatnot. I know he doesn't see it that way, but I feel horrible that at times I can't be more "fun" or I have to go to be earlier than I'd like to because of pain/migraines.
Breathe, lady... remember all of the reasons why you love him, and embrace that while he may be the love of your life and the man of your dreams, expecting him to be perfect is endlessly unfair. Imagine if he expected you to be perfect? (Though, if you're anything like me, you try to be through the pain and exhaustion). *hugs*...

cmkk · September 2012

I suffer from a different chronic pain, but like it can with fibro, activity makes my pain worse. I dont mean any if the following as criticism, i hope it doesnt sound harsh. At first my SO catered to me very caringly, but as time wore on and it became clear the illness was going to be chronic, things changed a lot. You two need to find a system that is realistic about your abilities that also recognizes your FI's feelings and needs. He wants to be in a relationship with you, and it sounds like he accepts that that means being your caretaker more than for someone without fibro. But nobody wants to feel like an on call nurse for their partner 24/7. I'm sure he wants to feel like he is primarily your partner, which sometimes includes nursing, but he can't be always on call, it's too draining and stressful. You can help him by taking control of your health needs and that means telling him how you feel and what you need even when it seems like he should know. My partner likes when i do this so that rather than my pain isolating me from him, it brings us together, and respects how my pain affects him. If I were you in the store, I would have told my SO i was in pain and asked if he could finish the shopping while I rested in the car. But a year ago I would have pushed through, into even worse pain and I would have gotten short with him and everyone. Also, he very well could have walked ahead of you so he could load up the car faster to get you out of there faster since you were in pain. But you need to open up communication with him, and also take responsibility for assessing what you need and asking him for it instead if asking him to be responsible for monitering your fibro. If you don't want to always be asking him for things, you can tell him what tends to help you feel better, and ask him to check in with you about what he can do when you tell him you have pain. But putting so much of the burden of managing your fibro on him is unsustainable.

DiLynn83 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_could-it-be-over-before-it-begins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:d464dfae-efc2-4fa0-9a45-c74382f89fd6Post:24018d3a-c2e8-4a23-aecb-0a301b9ac2ab">Re: Could it be over before it begins?!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to go against the grain here. I don't necessarily see anything he did in that situation as a red flag. When he saw you were in pain, he asked you to go sit in the car while he put the groceries away. It was your choice to sit in the driver's seat, and when he asked you if you wanted him to drive, you didn't say anything. If anything, you should have spoken up and said yes. Instead, you got mad at him for not reading your mind. And I don't know what you mean about him 'taking charge'. You two need to seriously work on your communication.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

I agree with this post.

s-aries8990 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_could-it-be-over-before-it-begins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:d464dfae-efc2-4fa0-9a45-c74382f89fd6Post:24018d3a-c2e8-4a23-aecb-0a301b9ac2ab">Re: Could it be over before it begins?!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to go against the grain here. I don't necessarily see anything he did in that situation as a red flag. When he saw you were in pain, he asked you to go sit in the car while he put the groceries away. It was your choice to sit in the driver's seat, and when he asked you if you wanted him to drive, you didn't say anything. If anything, you should have spoken up and said yes. Instead, you got mad at him for not reading your mind. And I don't know what you mean about him 'taking charge'. You two need to seriously work on your communication.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

I agree. As sympathetic as he needs to be, sometimes it grows to be a lot. He may see you are in pain, but if you don't speak up and say "can you help me" he won't know if you need help or are just trying to do it yourself.

[Deleted User] · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_could-it-be-over-before-it-begins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:d464dfae-efc2-4fa0-9a45-c74382f89fd6Post:24018d3a-c2e8-4a23-aecb-0a301b9ac2ab">Re: Could it be over before it begins?!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to go against the grain here. I don't necessarily see anything he did in that situation as a red flag. When he saw you were in pain, he asked you to go sit in the car while he put the groceries away. It was your choice to sit in the driver's seat, and when he asked you if you wanted him to drive, you didn't say anything. If anything, you should have spoken up and said yes. Instead, you got mad at him for not reading your mind. And I don't know what you mean about him 'taking charge'. You two need to seriously work on your communication.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Agreed.</div><div>
</div><div>Him not going with you to the hospital (that you posted later on down the thread) is more of a red flag to me, not the original post.

</div>

zantster · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_could-it-be-over-before-it-begins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:d464dfae-efc2-4fa0-9a45-c74382f89fd6Post:95db0bc5-7040-44df-8b92-e042b15ab4e5">Re:Could it be over before it begins?!</a>:
[QUOTE]I suffer from a different chronic pain, but like it can with fibro, activity makes my pain worse. I dont mean any if the following as criticism, i hope it doesnt sound harsh. At first my SO catered to me very caringly, but as time wore on and it became clear the illness was going to be chronic, things changed a lot. You two need to find a system that is realistic about your abilities that also recognizes your FI's feelings and needs. He wants to be in a relationship with you, and it sounds like he accepts that that means being your caretaker more than for someone without fibro. But nobody wants to feel like an on call nurse for their partner 24/7. I'm sure he wants to feel like he is primarily your partner, which sometimes includes nursing, but he can't be always on call, it's too draining and stressful. You can help him by taking control of your health needs and that means telling him how you feel and what you need even when it seems like he should know. My partner likes when i do this so that rather than my pain isolating me from him, it brings us together, and respects how my pain affects him. If I were you in the store, I would have told my SO i was in pain and asked if he could finish the shopping while I rested in the car. But a year ago I would have pushed through, into even worse pain and I would have gotten short with him and everyone. Also, he very well could have walked ahead of you so he could load up the car faster to get you out of there faster since you were in pain. But you need to open up communication with him, and also take responsibility for assessing what you need and asking him for it instead if asking him to be responsible for monitering your fibro. If you don't want to always be asking him for things, you can tell him what tends to help you feel better, and ask him to check in with you about what he can do when you tell him you have pain. But putting so much of the burden of managing your fibro on him is unsustainable.
Posted by cmkk[/QUOTE]
This.

Could it be over before it begins?!

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