Wedding Location Disagreement aka my FI is turning into a groomzilla

mssamanthalewis · December 2011

My FI got engaged last month. We've had the conversation about setting a date, and I have conceded to his insisting we wait until late 2013 (pretty much exactly 2 years from our engagment date) to get married. We are both originally from Massachusetts- I'm from Western MA and he's from Cape Cod- so we know we will get married back home.

However, I brought up the conversation of starting to think about wedding venues since I noticed other Knotties talking about locations I liked already booking for 2013. I have always wanted to get married in my hometown or at least somewhere in Western MA. When we started to discuss this, it was like a switch went off in his head and he launched into full groomzilla mode in the middle of a subway train. I have a large family, he has a very small family, and he went bananas about the idea of his mother and sister having to drive 2.5 hours to our wedding. He went so far as to ask me where his dowry is when I mentioned that traditionally brides like to get married in their hometown.

Long story short, he is insisting we get married in/near Boston (and I am probably the only person from MA who literally cannot stand Boston) and I am so heartbroken that he is refusing to even consider my wishes. I feel like he's the bride and I'm just a bystander, and we are still 2 years out!

Am I totally crazy here, or has anyone else dealt with this?

renegade gaucho · December 2011

How have the two of you handled other conflicts in your relationship? Is he always completely unwilling to compromise?

zitiqueen · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_wedding-location-disagreement-aka-fi-turning-groomzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:fc194be8-1735-4e16-8ccf-68f2cdc35364Post:50d72f0d-ecb6-4334-88d3-e29c48206deb">Wedding Location Disagreement aka my FI is turning into a groomzilla</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI got engaged last month. We've had the conversation about setting a date, and I have conceded to his insisting we wait until late 2013 (pretty much exactly 2 years from our engagment date) to get married. We are both originally from Massachusetts- I'm from Western MA and he's from Cape Cod- so we know we will get married back home. However, I brought up the conversation of starting to think about wedding venues since I noticed other Knotties talking about locations I liked already booking for 2013. I have always wanted to get married in my hometown or at least somewhere in Western MA. When we started to discuss this, it was like a switch went off in his head and he launched into full groomzilla mode in the middle of a subway train. I have a large family, he has a very small family, and he went bananas about the idea of his mother and sister having to drive 2.5 hours to our wedding. He went so far as to ask me where his dowry is when I mentioned that traditionally brides like to get married in their hometown. Long story short, he is insisting we get married in/near Boston (and I am probably the only person from MA who literally cannot stand Boston) and I am so heartbroken that he is refusing to even consider my wishes. I feel like he's the bride and I'm just a bystander, and we are still 2 years out! Am I totally crazy here, or has anyone else dealt with this?
Posted by mssamanthalewis[/QUOTE]

The key to a successful marriage is compromise. If the two of you can't compromise on the location of a party, you have bigger issues.

maelic · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_wedding-location-disagreement-aka-fi-turning-groomzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:fc194be8-1735-4e16-8ccf-68f2cdc35364Post:50d72f0d-ecb6-4334-88d3-e29c48206deb">Wedding Location Disagreement aka my FI is turning into a groomzilla</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI got engaged last month. We've had the conversation about setting a date, and I have conceded to his insisting we wait until late 2013 (pretty much exactly 2 years from our engagment date) to get married. We are both originally from Massachusetts- I'm from Western MA and he's from Cape Cod- so we know we will get married back home. However, I brought up the conversation of starting to think about wedding venues since I noticed other Knotties talking about locations I liked already booking for 2013. I have always wanted to get married in my hometown or at least somewhere in Western MA. When we started to discuss this, it was like a switch went off in his head and he launched into full groomzilla mode in the middle of a subway train. I have a large family, he has a very small family, and he went bananas about the idea of his mother and sister having to drive 2.5 hours to our wedding. He went so far as to ask me where his dowry is when I mentioned that traditionally brides like to get married in their hometown. Long story short, he is insisting we get married in/near Boston (and I am probably the only person from MA who literally cannot stand Boston) and I am so heartbroken that he is refusing to even consider my wishes. I<strong> feel like he's the bride and I'm just a bystander, and we are still 2 years out! </strong>Am I totally crazy here, or has anyone else dealt with this?
Posted by mssamanthalewis[/QUOTE]

Well, he's the groom. And the groom has as much say as the bride in wedding planning, including picking where and when. You being the bride doesn't give you more say.

That said, you need to reach a compromise. If he absolutely will not get married in Western Mass, then you'll have to figure something else out. If you'll absolutely not get married in Boston proper, why not try the Cape?

renegade gaucho · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_wedding-location-disagreement-aka-fi-turning-groomzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:fc194be8-1735-4e16-8ccf-68f2cdc35364Post:50d72f0d-ecb6-4334-88d3-e29c48206deb">Wedding Location Disagreement aka my FI is turning into a groomzilla</a>:
[QUOTE] I feel like he's the bride and I'm just a bystander, and we are still 2 years out!
Posted by mssamanthalewis[/QUOTE]

Oh, I totally missed this part. Yeah, just because you're the bride doesn't mean you get to plan the whole thing just as you want it and his job is to nod his head and show up on time. Really, it sounds like you have some problems communicating and dealing with conflict, and those are issues that should be addressed before you start thinking about getting married.

mssamanthalewis · December 2011

okay. thanks for all your comments.

NOLAbridealmost · December 2011

My H did the same thing. I had my heart set on a beach destination wedding. H wanted something close to our friends. At the end of the day he won because we discussed our reasons and his were way better. It's all about compromising and rationally looking at the options. IMHO it makes more sense to do it closer to where the majority are located and 2.6 hours is no big deal, but my opinion isn't what matters. Talk it out with FI.

ElisabethJoanne · December 2011

My future husband has been surprisingly opinionated about things men stereotypically aren't opinionated about. While I never felt like just a bystander, I have been surprised by where and how we've disagreed. So I don't think your expectations are off when you say you feel like a bystander. In fact, I don't think it was right to even bring that up. If it were a man saying he felt like a bystander to wedding planning, we'd be on his side telling him in 2011 the groom gets as much say as the bride.

I'm from California. 2.5 hours is a day trip for us. Massachusetts is tiny. I agree with NOLA on the actual issue.

Mrs0toBe · December 2011

I'm sorry but he sounds very controlling to me. I would seriously reconsider the relationship if he won't even consider any of your opinions. It won't get any better from here . .

morenachica110 · December 2011

I think you guys need to sit down like adults and sort out the pros and cons of both. If you can figure out where to have a big party peacefully, you may want to look into counseling before the big day.

saacjw · December 2011

My FI and I had a similar disagreement early on, because I wanted to do the wedding at home, but we live about 6 hours east of his family, and 6 hours west of mine, so he wanted to do it where we're living and split the difference for each family. We made out a list of reasons to do it in one place or the other. Look into everything for the list, who has stronger ties to a location (do you want to get married in a church you grew up in? that kinda thing), who's family is traveling, from how far, and how they can get there, and finally the prices of venues and vendors. We also to our families to see how they'd be affected by traveling, hotel costs, etc. The budget could also be a HUGE deciding factor, because we discovered that we couldn't have a wedding of the size that we wanted with our budget where we live, but we could do it in my hometown.

I agree with the previous posts though, if you can't sit down and figure this out and find a compromise, reevaluate the relationship. Good Luck!

artbyallie · December 2011

I can't believe he flipped out over a 2.5-hour drive. My groom's family traveled 3 hours for our wedding and didn't mind. Some of our friends came from more than 4 hours away. People travel for weddings. It's quite common, especially for the groom's family, and that's really not far.

Perhaps you can discuss whether his mom and sister could stay with some of your family so they won't have to pay for a hotel? Though your first discussion should probably be about rational conversation and the concept of compromise...

melanniejane · December 2011

Hi, My FH and I had a similar disagreement early on, I wanted a destination wedding and he wanted a hometown wedding. We discussed it off and on for a couple of weeks and then went through our lists of reasons why we each wanted what we did. A hometown wedding won out, mostly because he had very important relatives to him that are too elderly to travel, I didn't. See what your pros and cons are for each place and go from there....it's a starting point to be able to compromie from.....
HTH

AurorasEnvy · December 2011

I'd give him some time to calm down about it, and then reapproach it and try to have a rational discussion about it. Who knows, he could have been having an off day or been in a bad mood the day you guys had this first argument. Give him your reasons for wanting it where you want it, and allow him to give him his reasons for wanting to have it where he wants it. Maybe you'll both shed some light on the subject or both of you will have points that the other didn't think of.

If he doesn't go for it, I'd suggest trying to find a neutral 3rd location that is maybe inbetween where both of you want to get married. It'll make the driving distance more fair for everyone, and then you are both compromising instead of one person having to concede and one person getting what they want. Good luck, hope you guys work it out and find a place you both can agree on!

MelissaC315 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_wedding-location-disagreement-aka-fi-turning-groomzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:fc194be8-1735-4e16-8ccf-68f2cdc35364Post:975749e4-f840-4f57-8d81-aa4e2a150ec6">Re: Wedding Location Disagreement aka my FI is turning into a groomzilla</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like you are being just as stubborn as he is, although I could be wrong. Can you split the difference and <font color="#800000">have it halfway between your hometowns? To me that seems like the most equitable compromise</font> as far as families traveling goes.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

this!

NOLAbridealmost · December 2011

By the way, I actually thought OP's FI's dowry comment was really funny.

Bett2012 · December 2011

I didn't have this problem with my FI, we are from the same home town. I suggest not going halfway between the cities though, because then no one's happy and no one is in the city during planning time.... I think your better bet would be to rationally analyze the situation (pros and cons list?) like PP mentioned - look at your reasons, see which are better.

Afew times we've had disagreements where we've done this over wedding planning.. ultimately my parents get to choose since they're paying for it. that could also play into it. Who is paying (the majority)? they would get more say as a matter of principle.

also, be careful of the idea that "the bride has more say than the groom" idea.. I thought that too, but not because I felt entitled to it.. because I have been told so may times that "the groom never cares" and "you'll just bug the groom and get him frustrated at you if you bother him over picky little details" etc... that got me into trouble because my groom felt left out of decision making since I would just kind of come to him after I've thought about things and been like "this or this? good? ok"... just a thought, all grooms are different, so make sure you know each other's expectations about involvement

Sydney91 · December 2011

My fiance and I had the same problem. We pulled out the map and found the halfway point. It's perfect. Both of us love the spot more than anything else we could have picked from our respective hometowns. Just talk about it and look for places in his hometown, yours, and the halfway point. Then have the wedding at the venue you fall in love with. Ignore the address and focus on what you want out of the venue, then find the venue. It worked for us and I hope that, should you try this, it works for you two as well. Best wishes!

Also, I have family driving 13 hours to come to our shindig. My dad and I drive 3 or 4 hours on a whim to go check something out in a "nearby" town. I guess western Canada is just really spacious and we're used to long drives to go anyplace (mail pickup is 20 minutes one way).

I agree with everyone else. If things cannot be settled on for the wedding, how are you going to handle where you live (town, type of home, address) or how to raise kids should you have any? My mom told me when my FI and I were at odds that wedding planning is a testrun for the amount of fighting later. The odd argument is expected and can even be welcomed once in a while, but blow-out fights that last past the end of nasty words are never good. My dad has told me there is no way to be happy when there is more than one life involved, but many ways to be content. They've been married 32 years.

Devangi2012 · December 2011

Hi OP,

I had a very similar issue with my FH and his father-- they were and are both still surprisingly opinionated. This is a day the bride dreams about since she's a kid. I still have this issue with both of them being really opionated, and it's ok; it's my fiance's day too. I just had to evaluate which elements of the wedding were important to me. This is just picking the venue...i guarantee there will be more opinions he will throw in. I say just pick a nice....you don't want problems just because you can't agree on where to have the wedding. There will be many more things that will come up in the process, and honestly, just pick the parts that are important to you. If you let him have this one, you might have leverage on what actually counts.

Good luck!

stefaniewattie · December 2011

Pros and cons list...has solved most of our wedding related disagreements.
We decided to have our wedding in my hometown (and where we live now) because I have a substantially larger family than him.. it makes more sense for his 10 relatives to make the trip than my 70 relatives..
Seriously though, if he isnt willing to compromise on such a small issue (and it is, in the grand scheme of things) what about when you have kids and he wants them to be raised in "x" city and you disagree..? I would be rethinking things..BIG time.
But talk to him and tell him you need to sit down together and make a pros and cons list..or meet in the middle and have the wedding halfway..or where you live now?

ashley925 · December 2011

I say find some kind of compromise. Meet each other half way. My FI and I have definitely had our fair share of arguements these past few months [which sucks so bad]...but in the end you get it all figured out.

lodonnell616 · December 2011

He should be happy there would only be a 2.5 hour drive...if my FI & I met halfway between our hometowns it would be in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean

Thus...we assume 50% of invited guests will need to travel...otherwise if we got married where we live now, 100% of our families would have to.

meganb1977 · December 2011

I can empathize. My fiance is somewhat of a groomzilla as well. I don't really have a hometown since I've moved around a lot and wanted more of a destination wedding for the two immediate families on a beach (still wouldn't have been far for anyone to travel, except for those who would have had to fly in anyway). He wanted to get married here in his hometown where he has always lived, and have a big party for 150-200 of his "closest friends." We eventually met somewhere in the middle, neither of us is 100% happy and he's actually accepted the compromise better than I have. Perhaps if you have a hard time working things out between yourselves, it will help when you have more information about different options, or you can can get someone more neutral/objective to mediate...if you're having a religious ceremony your priest/minister might be able to help.

goodine11 · December 2011

I can also relate. My FI is defiantely a groomzilla. He chosed the wedding colors which at first was watermelon and tangerine. I kept the idea and change the shade to fuschia and Orange. I had two reasons to change 1 those are davids bridal colors and I knew I was not getting my BM's dresses from there. 2 we are having a destination wedding, I wanted to have simple colors that the resort may have or not hard to find. HE LOST IT. I couldnt believe his behavior over colors. He said he was upswt cause he was the last to know. After that incident, he got upset with me one other time and then he decided to let me handle the details of the wedding. He only gets involved when I ask him questions. Now we are find.

erin61612 · December 2011

My Finance is not a groomzilla, but he has definitely turned out to be very opinionated in the wedding planning and it has caused some fairly large battles. I understand that this is the brides day *we've all had visions of what it would be like since we were little*, but as my finace has pointed out to me, what would the day be like minus the prince charming? It sounds like there was something else he was upset about, not just the location. Try going to dinner somewhere (a nuetral location always helps) and discussing why this is so important for him. When I did this with my fiance, I found out he just wanted to have some say in things, and I've made a better effort to keep him involved. I understand wanting it your way (I'm a huge control freak) but maybe by involving him in more and chatting about why certain things are so important for you will help! Oh, and my fiance's entire family will have to travel 2hrs to our wedding, (but my whole family is in Atlanta, and my parents are paying, so that helped out with the decision). Also, whoever said think about what you want in the venue, not the location had the right idea!

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