My Fiance wants to wait until he has a job until we get married...

LaPiccolina · June 2010

My Fiance has expressed his desire to wait to get married until he has a job . While it's probably the "smart" thing to do, I could care less how much money he has because he's the love of my life. He's still in school right now and will graduate in December. Considering the job market and the economy he's going into, finding a job could be a very difficult task so who knows how long it could take.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this because I love him so much and cannot wait to marry him. I would walk down the aisle today if I could. He's extremely organized, skilled, and hardworking. In otherwords, I'm not worried about supporting him financially for the time being nor him becoming lazy and just living off of my income because I know he'll land a job eventually. I have expressed all of this to him. However, he feels it's a "man's repsonsibility" to be financially stable/breadwinner of the family.

So what do you think? Do I just need to get over my selfish desires to marry him ASAP or should I talk with him more? I don't want to push him to do anything he's not comfortable with and have him regret it in the future (say if we run into financial issues) but I also don't want to wait indefinitely until i can start planning. Thanks for your help and input!

JadziaDax · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_fiance-wants-wait-until-job-until-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e8d937bf-26c3-4dea-8e7a-676d40b71afdPost:ca349da0-5777-4314-971c-46abeb2ec45f">My Fiance wants to wait until he has a job until we get married...</a>:
[QUOTE]My Fiance has expressed his desire to wait to get married until he has a job . While it's probably the "smart" thing to do, I could care less how much money he has because he's the love of my life. He's still in school right now and will graduate in December. Considering the job market and the economy he's going into, finding a job could be a very difficult task so who knows how long it could take. I'm having a hard time dealing with this because I love him so much and cannot wait to marry him. I would walk down the aisle today if I could. <strong>He's extremely organized, skilled, and hardworking.</strong>In otherwords, I'm not worried about supporting him financially for the time being nor him becoming lazy and just living off of my income because I know he'll land a job eventually. I have expressed all of this to him. However, he feels it's a "man's repsonsibility" to be financially stable/breadwinner of the family. So what do you think? Do I just need to get over my selfish desires to marry him ASAP or should I talk with him more? I don't want to push him to do anything he's not comfortable with and have him regret it in the future (say if we run into financial issues) but I also don't want to wait indefinitely until i can start planning. Thanks for your help and input!
Posted by LaPiccolina[/QUOTE]

From your post, it sounds like your fiance makes sense and is being rational. I would wait until he finds a job. I'm sure you already know how expensive planning a wedding can be, and having two incomes definitely helps. Waiting for him to find a job will also give him some self respect as well. You know he isn't going anywhere, you aren't going anywhere, so I don't see the harm in waiting. You can start planning a little by searching on the internet and looking thru magazines in the meantime.

brilibby4 · June 2010

I think your FI is being very sensible and responsible with this. It makes sense that he would prefer to have a job before getting married. It doesn't mean you two can't start planning, but being financially stable before the wedding is a smart choice.

LaPiccolina · June 2010

Thanks for your input. I know deep down that really I should respect his desires to wait and that ultimately it's for the better. I guess I've just been envisioning this day for a long time that I'm so excited and ready for it to happen. I know we'll start gathering ideas and details in the meant time, but it'll be hard to tie down a venue when we don't know when he'll actually get a job. I should probably just let life takes it course and learn to relax a little. Thanks again - it helps to hear all of this!

FutureMrsMcDaniel · June 2010

I'm sure your FI will get a job eventually, but here's a reality check for you: It took my FI over 2 years to find a full-time salaried job. He didn't even want to get engaged until he had a job. Sure enough, 3 months into the job, he stuck a ring on my finger. We're planning our August wedding now.

I know it can be hard at times. I remember sometimes being an all-out terror to him because I wanted to be engaged so badly. I would cry to him a lot, telling him I was so ready to be married. He would always tell me that we were getting married someday, but not yet; he needed to be able to help support us. Trust me, that's important to guys. They want to support their wives.

I would definitely tell him that you are feeling bummed out about not getting married soon. But please don't push for him to get married until he feels that he's fully ready. He may become resentful. Men normally have pretty sensible reasons why they want to wait. They can lots of times see more clearly beyond the feelings of 'I love him so much, let's get married now!"

To help keep yourself in check, ask yourself whether you truly would want to be married but struggling financially because your FI is not contributing any money. As much as some people deny, it does create feelings of resentment when only one spouse is working and the other is not able to find work. It could take a while for him to find a job, and one he's comfortable in keeping for a long time, at that.

LaPiccolina · June 2010

FutureMrsMcDaniel-
Thanks so much for sharing your honest feelings and personal insight. I know it is important to him to be financially stable, he's said it all along and I definitely don't want to push him into anything he'll regret! I guess, like you, I had just waited a very long time to get engaged as we would talk about marriage often and dream of it together. I've been imagining it for so long that now that i'm officially engaged I'm more anxious for it to finally happen. I'm ecstatic and overjoyed and so ready to marry him.

But you are right, why do I want to be struggling financially to support us both? I know it would do a number on his ego and in turn, would affect our relationship. All of these points everyone has mentioned I have known but had a hard time acknowledging. You've all help put me in my place and relax knowing it's OK to have a long engagement for a very sensible reason such as finances.

My man is smart and practical, big reasons why I want to marry him - so why should I argue when he's being practical about our marriage planning? : )Thanks again, everyone. I feel much much better!

Maere · June 2010

I think that is smart. Im not engaged yet (will be soon just dont know when) and we are waiting until we can afford to pay for 3 months of an apartment.

vanwagenen61606 · June 2010

I totally understand your position! I just graduated from undergrad and am applying to graduate programs. My fiance will be graduating May 2011 with his Masters in Engineering. So we are planning to wait until the summer of 2012 to get married. That way, he will hopefully have had a job for a year and we can save some money up for a wedding. But! I really wish we could go right in to planning a wedding. Getting engaged is such an exciting time and it's hard not to plan a wedding right away. But look at it this way... it will give you extra time to really plan things and find the best options, prices etc for you. I know I want to do a lot of DIY stuff for our wedding and that gives me plenty of time.
Congratulations on your engagment and best wishes for you and your finace

loop0406 · June 2010

Everything happens for a reason and I believe timing is everything. God will decide when it's your turn and to who

bbyckes · June 2010

I haven't read all the responses, but just from your post title, it sounds like your fiance has a lot of sense. Follow his lead.

EricaDawn1986 · June 2010

I was in the same boat a year ago. I couldn't wait to be engaged to the man I'd been with for four years. It was killing me. He was still in school for his Masters in Engineering. I vowed to keep my mouth shut about getting married ASAP (because in my experience it's really just an annoyance to the guy).

He got out of school, had his job for a couple months and poof... all on his own he went out bought the ring and proposed. It made it so much more special to know it was coming from him in HIS TIME when he was really ready. I know you said you're guy has said he wants to marry you eventually but let it come naturally when he's totally ready and it will be so worth it. Not to sound completely shallow here either but when he has a job and you both have a solid income... he can be more flexible with your engagement ring budget AND you'll be a little more flexible with your actual wedding budget. Even the most budget weddings are expensive.

I know it sucks but a couple months in the grand scheme of your lives together really isn't that bad and there's really nothing worse than an engagement-crazed gf who pushes for the future and can't enjoy the moment you're in now.

num1kj · July 2010

Congrats on your engagement!! If you are looking for a wedding officiant for your special day visit http://www.the-weddingofficiant.com. You will be so pleased with their services.

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