Duplicate shower gifts

frantastic12 · May 2012

FI's mom and grandma live about 2 hours away from us in a very small town. FI was talking to his mom last night, and FMIL mentioned my bridal shower which is in next week, in our metro area. FMIL and FGMIL are coming to the shower, and FMIL mentioned to FI that they bought a gift "similar to something on the registry, but better". He tried to get more info from her, but she just kept saying "it's a better version of something on the registry, it's fine!". FI tried to explain that the similar item is still unpurchased on the registry, so someone could potentially buy it and I'd get two very similar items, and it could be awkward or embarrassing for them (my shower is the 2 of them and 40 of my friends and family).

FI got off the phone and told me this.  I told FI that he should really try to find out what they got, not tell me, and take it off of our registry to save me and them from awkwardness at the shower. So FI called his mom back and eventually got it out of her. They bought cookware--which my mom had already said she's going to purchase. They saw the multi-clad pieces we registered for at BB&B, and then went to Kohl's and bought a 12pc stainless steel set. He basically told her that they need to return it, because someone is buying the cookware off the registry & I'd get duplicates at the shower. I did NOT want him to tell her to return it, but I didn't know he said that until after he got off the phone with her.

So now I don't know what to do. I feel like I look bad to the FMIL and FGMIL, and I wish FI hadn't told them to return it.  But they would also be really embarrassed if I got two sets of cookware at the shower. And I'd consider just keeping the set that they give me and taking the others off of the registry, but we checked out the Kohl's website, and it's a 12pc set for $100, which makes me doubt that it's good quality (I think what FMIL meant by "better" was that it was a larger set that what we had registered for).

ETA: I don't mean to sound ungrateful...I'm very thankful that they're coming, and that they're bringing gifts even though they don't need to.

Lobsters25 · May 2012

Well, you can't tell guests what to get you and what not to get you, nor demand that it be what's off the registry. If your mom is set on getting you the cookware, and that's the set of pots you want, then let her go ahead and get it.

That being said, don't sweat what FI did, people will move on.
If it were me, I would probably just call your FMIL and explain that you're very excited, and your FI was just acting out of concern. Deal with explaining the return to her after the shower, it is very fair to say that you had your heart set on the pots for which you registered, and she will need to, and as an adult, should, understand.

I did get two of the same gift at my shower, and we all had a little laugh and placed the blame on Macy's making a mistake on the registry. People weren't offended that obviously we were going to be returning one of the items, and moved on with their day.
I knew that it was going to happen before the shower, and was stressing to no end about it, but it really didn't end up being that big of a deal.

Unknown092113 · May 2012

My opinion.....you can never have too much cookware. ;-)

I have a 'nice' set of cookware for when I am cooking with guest over and I clean this set always by hand so it is always looking its best. I have 'other' set for just regular use and I could careless what happens to it.

Maybe you can just keep both to make both parents happy. Just a thought. ;-)

BTCarolus · May 2012

It's too late now, but I think you shouldn't have made a big deal about duplicate gifts. It happens, duplicate givers are usually not *that* embarrassed, and the correct response is a gracious thank-you to both parties, and to return the one you don't want after the shower.

If you are otherwise on good terms with your MIL you may want to call her or email her and explain that you didn't want her to return the gift, you just were worried that she would be embarrassed if somebody brought the same item. Then thank her effusively and tell her to bring whatever she wants to the shower. If you aren't on good terms, maybe have your FI do that.

I was once at a shower where the bride got not one but three paper-towel holders, none of which she'd registered for. It was actually just cute and a little amusing, because all of the women who'd gotten them for her had been trying to look out for her by getting her something she was probably overlooking. Nobody made nasty comments about the givers, or anything unsavory, and nobody will make nasty comments at your shower either.

frantastic12 · May 2012

It's not so much that it's the wrong set or not off of our registry, although that's what it sounds like in the first post. I don't have a problem returning it. It's just that, knowing FMIL and FGMIL, they'd would be very embarrassed that someone else also got us a cookware set.

BTCarolus · May 2012

We acknowledge that you acted with the best of intentions. But, probably your MIL and certiainly GMIL come from a time before wedding registries were sophisticated (or even invented) when registering equaled choosing patterns or making a physical list at one store. They are probably well used to showers where the bride receives multiple duplicates, and wouldn't be that surprised if it happened to them. Maybe a little embarrassed, but they wouldn't hold it against you. Trying to engineer other people's emotions or behavior behind the scenes doesn't often go well.

frantastic12 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_duplicate-shower-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:b49c70e9-8910-42d0-9371-425dee3cc91dPost:da57cfc9-ef1e-4960-985d-ad8389cdeda3">Re: Duplicate shower gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]I really think these are one of those things that don't matter in the long run. They are adults and understand how registries work, therefore by purchasing something off the registry they were aware of this risk. However, I would try to "apologize" in some way, if the subject comes back up, <strong>I see where you're coming from but it's not the best etiquitte to tell people what to buy for you. A registry is really a guideline.
</strong>Posted by mtishawt[/QUOTE]

Totally understand that, and I'm in no way trying to tell anyone what to buy (although I realize FI did, and I REALLY wish he hadn't). Like I said, I just wanted to edit our registry to avoid duplicates and possible hurt feelings, which was obviously a total fail on my part.

FTR, they had previously asked FI what they should get for the shower, and FI told them where we were registered, and they literally had no idea what registering meant. They're from a really small town, and it's unusual for people to register for weddings there.

i2012do · May 2012

Well you can't go back so there is no use in telling you that you shouldnt have said anything. But maybe for future advice: Don't say anything...
I mean, they knew if they were getting something that wasn't on your registry- then there might be a duplicate.

plus they seemed prety excited about it and that they pikced out something that was "better" for you. I mean even if in your opinion it wasnn't that doesn't matter.
Just picture FMIL and FGMIL at the store laboring over picking our your gift.
I'm not trying to be mean, but I really think you are focusing way too much on the gifts and not on the feelings.

I don't think tehy would have been embarassed. Duplicate gifts happen all the time. That is what gift recipets are for. And to be honest, maybe you could have used a few of the pieces--- as "everyday" cookware.
Or returned it, I'm sure FMIL isn't coming over inspecting the cookware you are using.

Cookware is usually a really big purchase that someone close to the bride wants to get, since you ahve it for a long time--so they probably thought this was a "big" gift to get you.

Traditionally, in the past, especially if they are from some Hokey town that never heard of registires---brides would get tons of duplicate items.
I don't think you ahve to worry abotu sparing them embarassment that there are two gifts of the same kind opened.

After all a shower is about spending time together with the ladies of your family and your gal pals- and not so much about the gifts...

i2012do · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_duplicate-shower-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:b49c70e9-8910-42d0-9371-425dee3cc91dPost:da57cfc9-ef1e-4960-985d-ad8389cdeda3">Re: Duplicate shower gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]I really think these are one of those things that don't matter in the long run. They are adults and understand how registries work, therefore by purchasing something off the registry they were aware of this risk. However, I would try to "apologize" in some way, if the subject comes back up, I see where you're coming from but it's not the best etiquitte to tell people what to buy for you. A registry is really a guideline.
Posted by mtishawt[/QUOTE]

And I agree with this. No matter what part of the country you are from, if registries are a foreign idea or not, it is never appropiate to tell people what to give you or to tell people to give back or take back items you don't want. It's best to always be gracious

unicorntrees · May 2012

I went to a shower in which the bride got two of those kitchen aid mixers, one right after the other. I think the comment someone made was like, "Now you can duelling mixers and make double the pastries!" or something like that. When she first opened them, I felt awkward for the purchasers, but after that comment, I think it set things at ease. If you end up getting duplicates at your shower, just take in stride. You could always keep one as a backup if something happens to the other one!

frantastic12 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_august-2012-weddings_duplicate-shower-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:1fb748ee-7a4e-40eb-b4b4-e553486f4cacDiscussion:b49c70e9-8910-42d0-9371-425dee3cc91dPost:318f980a-e193-4665-ab64-0783b67bfa00">Re: Duplicate shower gifts</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm not trying to be mean, but I really think you are focusing way too much on the gifts and not on the feelings. Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

It's totally the opposite. It was really uncomfortable for me to register because I feel really awkward about people spending their money on us. FI's mom and grandma have never met my family. They're meeting 40 relatives at one time at the shower. They will feel out-of-place, self-conscious, and overwhelmed enough by not knowing anyone, I didn't want them to feel any more awkward. Which is why I asked FI to try and figure out what they got so he could take it off the registry. That's all I wanted to do, and it obviously blew up in my face.

I never told anyone what to get or take it back, I never suggested it to FI, etc. <strong> He</strong> suggested to his mom she should return it, which yes, I am fully aware is rude and inappropriate and everything else, and I let FI know that it was.

I'm going to let FI figure out what to do, since it was a conversation between him and his mom, and he (not I) was the one who told her she should return it.

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