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This is a nightmare

semplesarahsemplesarah
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
My mom has been totally removed from almost everything I have done. She doesnt seem excited or intrested at all. She loves my fiance so I dont get it. I am drownding in planning and need help. I have been so frustrated and then yesterday she pushed me over the edge. She sent me a text asking when my wedding is! Seriously, I think thats something she should remember especially since I made a planner for her with all the dates thinking that would help. Then later she was giving me a guilt trip for not going to my cousins bride-to-be's shower. I have an invitiation assembly party that day that I have been planning for 2 months that she was supposed to come to and approved the date for. She said I need to be more involved in the family.

I really am thinking about responding to that by saying she should be more involved in my wedding. I dont want to hurt her, but I am tired of being trampled on. What is the best way to get my point across without hurting her feelings
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Re: This is a nightmare

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    mbodymbody
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited March 2012
    The first thing I suggest is to have your FI help you. After all, it's his wedding too.

    If you and your FI can't handle everything, I suggest scaling back. Are there certain elements of the wedding that you can eliminate? Or out source.. but not for free by giving 'duties' to friends or family. But, actually hire a wedding planner. That can eliminate some stress.

    I'm sorry your mom isn't supporting you the way you like, but wedding planning isn't everyone's thing. You can always try talking with her about it.. maybe she doesn't know how you feel?

    For what it's worth, I wouldn't miss my cousin's wedding shower for an 'invitation assembly party.' But, then again, I wouldn't have one in the first place. I'd definitely find another time for my FI and I to get those done.
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    ootmother2ootmother2 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-is-a-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4f2738a0-ce40-4373-b270-e504e18d6376Post:7448bc3b-e0bd-45c7-ac46-4c3b85d690e3">This is a nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]My mom has been totally removed from almost everything I have done. She doesnt seem excited or intrested at all. She loves my fiance so I dont get it. I am drownding in planning and need help. I have been so frustrated and then yesterday she pushed me over the edge. She sent me a text asking when my wedding is! Seriously, I think thats something she should remember especially since I made a planner for her with all the dates thinking that would help. Then later she was giving me a guilt trip for not going to my cousins bride-to-be's shower. I have an invitiation assembly party that day that I have been planning for 2 months that she was supposed to come to and approved the date for. She said I need to be more involved in the family. I really am thinking about responding to that by saying she should be more involved in my wedding. I dont want to hurt her, but I am tired of being trampled on. What is the best way to get my point across without hurting her feelings
    Posted by semplesarah[/QUOTE]

    Do you think she may be afraid you will think she's interferring in your plans?
    Perhaps you should just ask if she would like to help with something or even just ask for her opinion on something?

    Sorry.  Good luck!
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    ElisabethJoanneElisabethJoanne member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    If you're "drowning," you need to get your future husband to help and scale back, IMO. I find a lot of the planning steps are fun, but up to a point. If you're all smiley about the wedding all the time, he doesn't want to spoil your fun. You need to tell him, "This part's not fun. I need your help." Then give him some business-like task. "Call this bakery and ask for a per-slice estimate for a simple, fondant-covered 3-tier cake." "Schedule a tasting with this caterer. We're free these days this month."

    If he can't handle these tasks, or refuses, I think you've got deeper issues (barring something like military service). It's no different than scheduling the cable repair guy or questioning a utility bill. These are skills all adults need. And if he refuses, well, you're planning a party for both of you, for friends and family of both of you. He doesn't get to have all the fun without helping with the mundane stuff.

    As for forgetting the date, my dad is super-supportive, just not good with remembering dates. I might forget it myself if I didn't have to repeat it daily as I contact vendors. Let your mom's not remembering go.

    As for these parties, it's tough. My family is awful at planning in advance. My fiance and I plan social activities months in advance. We have to balance the planning styles, or there'd be lots of resentment and I'd never see my own family. There's still some resentment, but at least there's still a relationship. Your mom will choose her own social events, and might even be rude to you and cancel social events with you. You'll have to forgive her because she's your mom. Even if your family doesn't schedule things in advance well, free up time to spend with them.

    So I don't really see how you're being trampled on. If your mom's canceling on you, you can say, "It's hard when you agree to come to something I've planned, then reneg. It hurts my feelings. How can I plan events with you so I can be sure you'll be there?"
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    jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    Ditto PP's, they've said it nicer than I probably could anyways.  Bottom line though is that it's YOUR (and your FI's) wedding, not your mom's.  It's not her job to do these things, so you have no right to get upset with her for not helping.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-is-a-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4f2738a0-ce40-4373-b270-e504e18d6376Post:7448bc3b-e0bd-45c7-ac46-4c3b85d690e3">This is a nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]My mom has been totally removed from almost everything I have done. She doesnt seem excited or intrested at all. She loves my fiance so I dont get it. I am drownding in planning and need help. I have been so frustrated and then yesterday she pushed me over the edge. She sent me a text asking when my wedding is! Seriously, I think thats something she should remember especially since I made a planner for her with all the dates thinking that would help. Then later she was giving me a guilt trip for not going to my cousins bride-to-be's shower. I have an <strong><u>invitiation assembly party</u></strong> that day that I have been planning for 2 months that she was supposed to come to and approved the date for. She said I need to be more involved in the family. I really am thinking about responding to that by saying she should be more involved in my wedding. I dont want to hurt her, but I am tired of being trampled on. What is the best way to get my point across without hurting her feelings
    Posted by semplesarah[/QUOTE]

    That is seriously one of the funniest things I have ever heard. 

    I am sure all the guests you invited are incredibly excited for it! (please note my sarcasm)

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    mellimel19mellimel19
    First Comment
    Unfortunately it seems like you may have to accept that your mom may just not be interested in helping you plan. Note that that doesn't mean she's not supportive of your marriage, but maybe planning a wedding, even yours, is not her thing. I get where you're coming from, my mom is not at all interested in helping to plan. But I look at the bright side of that, it allows me to plan things MY and FI's way.

    As for your cousin's bridal shower, my opinion is that that would trump a invitation assembly party. Can you not just switch that to another day? How would you feel if your cousin missed out on your shower because she was assembling invitations that could be done another day?
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    Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    It's your wedding, not hers.  She doesn't have to help you plan it - your FI does.

    And while yes, you made her a planner (which, wow- how ridiculous is that?) maybe she was out and about and didn't have it with her?  My parents were extrememly supportive (of my marriage AND my wedding) and my dad still almost booked a speaking event across the country for the day after my wedding.  That date is not as important to anyone else as it is to you.

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    sweetlilpsychosweetlilpsycho member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    Wow, I always thought the problem was that MOB turns into Momzilla and tries to run everything! You have the opposite problem! If I think about it logically, I call my mom all the time, to ask questions, advice, check up on things back home, I love my mommy and I absolutely want her to help me plan my wedding. The thing is, she's got her own stuff to do, you know? My Mum's a fulltime teacher, she owns a restaurant, and she takes care of all the finances, cooking, laundry, etc at home. She doesn't have time for me to say "okay, I need your help with EVERY aspect of my wedding!" am I going to be calling her a gazillion times to ask stuff? Yeah, I will. In fact, I should probably just start making lists of questions between phone calls so that I can ask several at once and be more efficient with both of our time. But she has her own life! And it's MY wedding, not hers. She's already had two weddings, lol ; Bottom line, if you have questions or need help on specific things, ASK. I'm sure she wouldn't mind giving you a hand, but when you say something like "I need you to help me plan this thing!" she's going to think "uhhh, like how much are we talking here?" don't be a bridezilla to your mommy, I'm sure she cares about your wedding, but you just haven't clearly conveyed what you want yet. :
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