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my mother is driving me insane

samantha.robinsamantha.robin
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in Moms and Maids
I just started planning my wedding and have a VERY clear picture of what I want. Every time I talk about what I want to have with my mom it seems I can't win and if I disagree with her I'm a b*tch. She hates the idea of having a photo booth, a band, the non almond wedding cake, crystals with all the flowers, ext... The last wedding she went to was about 25 years ago and hers was over 30 years ago, but she thinks I should do everything how they did it back then. Even having 4 bridesmaids seems to be a huge issue and outrageous, as she only had 2. Even me wanting to get ready at a hotel seems to be an issue. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to talk about wedding stuff or even think about anything wedding. I don't know what to do.
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Re: my mother is driving me insane

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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Who is paying for your wedding?
                       
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    samantha.robinsamantha.robin
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    my parents are paying a set amount and everything else (whats listed above) my FI and I are paying
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    If your parents are paying, then they have a say in anything that affects the budget, like a band vs a dj, the flowers, number of guests. If you want control over certain areas such as crystal flowers, photo booth and chocolate cake, you and fi should pay for them. . You should also cover the costs associated with your wedding party, such as their gifts and flowers. It's time to prioritize and decide which things are important to you so you can save enough money to cover them.

    You could also try buying your mom a few bridal magazines and email her some pictures and ideas that appeal to you. Unless you want to pay for the whole wedding yourself, then you are going to have to compromise with your mom.

    Good luck with your planning : )

                       
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    samantha.robinsamantha.robin
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    the money they are contributing is for the ceremony, reception venue, food (not cake), basic flowers, limo and photographer. I am paying for the cake, crystals on flowers, band, photo booth, hotel room, and all bridesmaids (hair, make up, gifts and luncheon) so money really isn't a part of the problem i just don't know how to include her or talk to here when she hates EVERYTHING I want.
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    kimiandgarykimiandgary
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    Its hard when you feel like you are talking to a wall. I think you are allowed to make changes where you would like as long as you are covering the cost (sounds like you are).

    Sorry your mom is being a pain and I wish there was a magic fix for you. Maybe limit what you talk with her about (ie. only what she is paying for).
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    If she hasn't been to a wedding in 25 years, then I would suggest you try to expose your mom to some new ideas. Select some pictures of cakes you love and ask her which is her favorite. Do the same with flowers, dresses, color schemes. Don't show her anything you don't like. As soon as any of your discussions start to turn into arguments, drop the subject. You do not need her approval for the items you are covering.
                       
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    Salsera29Salsera29 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I am in the exact same situation so I can completely relate! My mother had me to upset the other night (for the same kinds of things you're talking about) I was physically nauseous and seriously considering eloping. She just told me yesterday, based on pictures only, that the venue I want is "tacky." 

    It really doesn't matter who's paying, if I understand your situation, your mom will criticize no matter who is footing the bill, right? And it's not so easy to just tell her to buzz off. My advice is to make sure you have a sounding board who knows your mom and will listen and sympathize. Do you have a bridesmaid you can call every night to vent? Because it doesn't fix things but it does make it a lot easier to deal with. And make sure you have plenty of people who will give you their honest but SUPPORTIVE opinions. As hard as it is, just keep telling yourself that her negativity will not ruin your wedding. 

    Also, make sure you are fully stocked will your drink of choice at all times :-)

    Feel free to message me if you need to vent more.

    Good luck!!!
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    samantha.robinsamantha.robin
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    Thank you. yes you get it. I had the same issue with the venue till I booked an appointment with the venue for a tour. I took her and my FI (who is the one that initially wanted that place) then showed her that she was wrong and how much we wanted it there (the complete open bar and food being included in the price per person probably helped). I have already fought with her about the dress because the first one I loved she despised so I found a different one that was three times the price that she likes but once i try it on she will probably tell me how much weight i need to loose for it. It does help to have an amazing FI and support system (when you can get a hold of them). If you ever need to message me feel free to also.
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    SB1512SB1512 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-mother-is-driving-me-insane?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1acacf97-a025-4d64-902b-3ea24df75cd7Post:53aad19f-87b4-4693-aa3b-09a220c7a032">Re: my mother is driving me insane</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you. yes you get it. I had the same issue with the venue till I booked an appointment with the venue for a tour. I took her and my FI (who is the one that initially wanted that place) then showed her that she was wrong and how much we wanted it there (the complete open bar and food being included in the price per person probably helped).<strong> I have already fought with her about the dress because the first one I loved she despised so I found a different one that was three times the price that she likes but once i try it on she will probably tell me how much weight i need to loose for it.</strong> It does help to have an amazing FI and support system (when you can get a hold of them). If you ever need to message me feel free to also.
    Posted by samantha.robin[/QUOTE]

    Who is paying for your dress?  I get wanting certain people like your mother to like the dress, but in the end, your the one wearing it and if you have dress regret it really can be a huge role.  If you end up hating your dress, are you going to end up hating your photos b/c you hate the dress?  If you are paying for your dress, buy something you love, do not settle for something someone else likes but you are unsure of.
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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Another MOB here.  I agree that you should spend some time showing her how things are today rather than how things were "back in our day."

    This is probably a case where you may not be able to discuss these items with her.  If she just doesn't come around to today's trends (which I think are quite lovely) then you and FI need to just quietly go about arranging the things you are paying for and not discuss them with her.

    If/when she asks about them, you may have to respectfully tell her, "Mom, I love you, but you will not see beyond how things were done generations ago to accept how they are done now. If you can't be supportive of those things, FI and I will take care of it and move along.  I'm not going to go through several conversations about how you disapprove of our choices based on weddings 25 years ago.  Have you seen MIB III yet?"  (that last part is called bean dipping/changing the subject.

    I wish you well in this.  You can show her several bakery sites that offer so many flavor combinations.  That will show her this is common.  See if you can show her several  sites that offer photo booths for weddings.  Again, this will show her you didn't just pull this idea out of thin air.

    She will probably faint if your BM's aren't identical clones of one another - same shoes, nails, hairstyle, etc.  That is how it was sadly done in our generation.  Good luck!
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    CowgirlK39CowgirlK39 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I was in your shoes when I first started planning too. My mom hadn't seen a wedding since the early 90s and was very confused when I showed her what I wanted to do. I told her our theme was vintage farming, and she gave me a blank stare and replied "Theme? The theme is wedding. How does a wedding have a theme other than that?"

    I did what PPs suggested. I showed her pics of what I liked (Thanks to The Knot). Then, I did what I wanted for what I was paying for and when she looked at it and gave the disapproving "...Oh...." I just kept going with what i wanted. My parents are paying for the reception so they got a say in the food and guest list. Everything else was ours to decide. She went through a period of making rude comments, but once she got on the bandwagon with what we wanted, she got into it all.

    What else helps, is if you have mutual friends or can get family friends to explain it to her. My mom had some coworkers give her ideas and suddenly she was 100% on board with me when she realized I wasn't crazy.
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    joe&cassiejoe&cassie
    First Comment
    I completely understand your problem.  My mother is the same way.  We had family over and she went on and on about how if she is the one paying for it then she gets to decide.  I have just stopped talking about it.  We have a year until things have to start being finalized so I just quit.  When I do we are going to have a "come to jesus" meeting and I am going to talk to her and tell her that I appreciate her generosity in offering to pay for stuff however, it is my wedding and there are certain things that I want and do not want and if she is not willing to even consider them then I will respectfully decline her gift and we will pay for the wedding.  (another reason we are waiting to get married)  The things I want and do not want aren't that ridiculous.  I want a venue that is super cheap about 30 minutes from the ceremony and I do not want acohol because some of FI's family are recovering alcoholics and I would like to be respectful.  Oh boy did she throw a fit about that one.  I agree with PP and just don't tell her.  If she is not footing the bill no way does she need to know about it. 
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    LStein226LStein226
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    I am in the same situation. My mom is trying to control everything and is not understanding what I want.  This weekend I also throught about eloping,, in order to stop all of the stress.  I know you posted this a few weeks ago and was wondering if you took peoples advise and if it worked.  I am at the point I do not know what to do!  She nit picks everthing and I feel she doesn't accept what I want and refuses to listen!
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