June 2013 Weddings

Second-guessing my wedding

This is a 2nd marriage for both me and my FI. We're still fairly young -- I'm 28 and he's 27. I have one (extremely handsome) DS who my FI treats like his own. We're currently living together and enjoying our new life as a blended family.

We were originally planning a traditional wedding on his grandparents farm. Outdoor ceremony, big white tent for the reception, linens, china place settings, served buffet, etc. Then we decided on a family-only ceremony followed by a later reception for everyone (ceremony in the early afternoon, reception in the evening).

I just recently graduated with my BS and got my final student loan balance in the mail, and will begin repayments in 6 months. Now, we had a budget for the wedding and knew we could save the money. However, I'm feeling extremely guilty about spending that kind of $$$ on a wedding when I feel like we should be using it to put towards our nest egg, my student loans, saving for baby #2, etc.
Now we're really really leaning towards doing a small, family-only ceremony on a Friday evening followed by taking everyone out to dinner. Then, the next day, having a casual, come-as-you-are-go-as-you-please open house kind of reception. We'll still do the tent and have awesome food, drinks, etc. We'll have music, yard games, bonfire, etc. Since it's a celebration, I want to steer clear of making it feel too wedding-y....if that makes sense. It's important to both of us that we can invite everyone we want and just have one big party. It's almost like we're using our wedding as an excuse to just throw a party.

I'm between a rock and a hard place. Part of me feels like we've both already had the big weddings the first time around and it's frivolous to spend the $$ on our second weddings. However, I then remind myself that even though it's our second weddings, it's still our first wedding to each other. On the other hand, I don't want to look back on our wedding day and feel like we should've done something more formal if we go the casual party route.

*sigh* Suggestions? Input? Thoughts? Have you ever been to a super casual reception that was in celebration of someone's marriage (like an at-home reception?)
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Re: Second-guessing my wedding

  • I had a cousin who had a very small private ceremony...basically only her and his immediate family were in attendance. Then when they got back from their honeymoon, they had a huge "reception".

    I get what your saying about wanting to spend the money on other things. FI and I working on getting a house and so I feel guilty about wanting to spend a load of money on a wedding dress. I've tried to talk myself into it, but in reality, that is just a dress that I will wear once. I mean if for some reason something happened and I got married again, I wouldn't wear that same dress. I'm sure if we have a daughter, she'll want her own, up-to-date dress. So having an oober expensive dress to become a "family heirloom", isn't practical for us.

    lol Now back to you.
    "Now we're really really leaning towards doing a small, family-only ceremony on a Friday evening followed by taking everyone out to dinner. Then, the next day, having a casual, come-as-you-are-go-as-you-please open house kind of reception. We'll still do the tent and have awesome food, drinks, etc. We'll have music, yard games, bonfire, etc. Since it's a celebration, I want to steer clear of making it feel too wedding-y....if that makes sense. It's important to both of us that we can invite everyone we want and just have one big party. It's almost like we're using our wedding as an excuse to just throw a party."
    It sounds you have it worked out pretty well. And I think that would be great, because it is a celebration.

    If you put everything else aside, and really do what makes you and your FI happy, then your not going to have any regrets.

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  • I really like this, my cousin did something similar since her wedding was a few hours away on the beach but had a reception back home for those who couldnt make it.  Now, the problem is some people think it is rude or innappropriate ettiquete to have your guests not be invited to your ceremony but invited to the reception since you still receive gifts from them and such but weren't "good enough" to see you actually get married.

    I personally have no problem, but this has been brought up on other boards and knotties get torn apart for even thinking such a thing.
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  • We don't want nor do we expect gifts. And since it's tacky to mention ANYTHING about gifts in an invitation of any kind, we're going to let word of mouth do that for us.

    I get what you're saying about some people finding it rude...and that's why I'm hoping that by having the ceremony on a different day, that'll help alleviate any of that. Besides, I know our family and friends well enough to know they'll just be excited there's a party to go to! :)
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  • And sort of a spin-off (s/o) of my last reply...if you were invited to a casual, back-yard, BBQ where there was going to be food, drinks, music, good company, yard games, etc.  would you be 'offended' that it was in celebration of a wedding that had taken place the day before? Knowing that it was a second marriage for both people?
    Just curious....
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  • Like I said, I think it sounds awesome lol.  I personally see no issues Im just bringing up opinions I have seen before.  But if you spread the word that you aren't looking for gifts then that should help those nay-sayers.
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  • My uncle got married in I believe August (this was a few years ago) and only had a few people at the ceremony. A month later they had a big backyard reception with a tent, BBQ, music etc. No one complained and it was actually really fun! We were not offended that we weren't invited to the ceremony either

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  • I just want to clarify the etiquette.  What you are doing is perfectly fine!  Where the issue comes up is when people try to make it a traditional wedding reception.  As long as guests know that you will already be married at the time there is no etiquette problem!

    This sounds like a great and relaxed way to celebrate with everyone!  If this is what makes you feel comfortable and is what you want to do then go party it up!  Only you can decide what is right for you.
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  • MeghannsixMeghannsix member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited March 2012
    I totally feel your pain!  This is my 2nd wedding, FI's first.  I have a daughter in college, a son about to go into braces, and we have all these potential home renovation plans. I have second guessed this thing every few days, wondering if the money would be better spent if put somewhere else.  Well, for us, the home renovations and my new vehicle are going to wait for a bit, and we're doing this big shindig anyway.  I think you have to do what feels right for you.  To assuage  my guilt, we're cutting back on the cake and caterer, and DIY'ing even more stuff now.  No matter what you decide, the end result will be the same, and you'll be ready to run off into the sunset to live happily ever after (I know, gag!)  Good luck!
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  • edited March 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2013-weddings_second-guessing-my-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f30b0bfc-508d-415c-bf59-ab83e327da37Discussion:7737f624-1743-4342-b8e7-a7c238d2aa4ePost:4c991cdf-b920-4d1e-b043-87feb24b3607">Re: Second-guessing my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]And sort of a spin-off (s/o) of my last reply...if you were invited to a casual, back-yard, BBQ where there was going to be food, drinks, music, good company, yard games, etc.  would you be 'offended' that it was in celebration of a wedding that had taken place the day before? Knowing that it was a second marriage for both people? Just curious....
    Posted by PrettyInPearls23[/QUOTE]

    <div>I wouldn't be offended it if was a nice outdoors bbq w/ games etc. I would find it a bit weird, tho if you fashioned the party to be like a weddubg reception (with entrances, first dances etc). It gets complicated when the guest list for the ceremony =/= the guest list for the reception, some ppl may feel slighted that they weren't 'good enough' for the ceremony.</div><div>
    </div><div>OP, in response to your initial post: I have no right to speak to your financial situation, but I can tell you that for me I lean towards being monetarily conservative. If our families weren't contributing to our wedding, FI and I would have pooled our money and gone w/ a JOP & small dinner w/ friends/families. That's my style, but you have to be comfortable w/ your decision. If I were you I'd crunch some #'s and see what would happen if you scaled back the # of guests for the farm locale reception, or what the cost would be if you went with a simpler low-key bbq. </div>
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