Advice for a newly engaged girl?

LanceAndTaylor · November 2012

So, my fiancee and I just got engaged a couple days ago, but it's a secret. We met on a dating website and hit it off, and we've only been seeing each other for a month, but we both love each other and, admitting that it will be difficult and that love is not about emotions, but about commitment and choosing to selflessly love the other person, we want to get married.

We haven't told anyone because we don't want to deal with the judgment that is inevitable given our situation. That being said, we're both not in a financial situation where we can move in together soon, and so if we elope, which we are planning to do, we would need to live apart for at least another 6 months and keep our marriage a secret. Then, after some time, we could have a ceremony for our friends and family and live together.

I want to marry him and I'm excited to, but I'm not sure how I'll be able to live without him while being married to him. Any advice?

tiny speck · November 2012

This may sound harsh, but I really think if you're not willing and able to stand up to your friends and family and defend your decision to get married (if they give you a hard time), then you are not ready to get married.

Also, don't get married and keep it a secret (and definitely don't do that and have a do-over 'wedding' later). Why not just wait until you are able to have the ceremony and reception and get married then, especially if you won't be able to live together if you marry sooner?

I must also admit that this does sound a bit odd. What's the rush? It wouldn't hurt your relationship to slow down, and get to know each other better. I also feel the need to ask how old both of you are.

JBSMADA10 · November 2012

If you have to keep it a secret. Then you shouldn't get married. One month is just working off of lust. You're not in love. No one can truly be in love with someone after only knowing someone one month. It seems like you've gotten yourself in a predicament. Break the engagement off. Wait one year maybe two if finances are still tight. If you still love him, then have a proper engagement. Oh and once your married thats your ceremony, whether its JOP or a big to do. You exchange vows and are legally married. That's your wedding. Anything else would be considered a Pretty Princess Day (PPD) or Vow Renewal. You can't have both. So if you want that ceremony with friends and family just wait 1-2 years to get engaged and 1-2 years to get married.

Being that your financial state is lacking, and both of your impulse decisions to rush into something serious. Maybe you should look into separate counseling and therapy as well as couples counceling or through a church. Whatever your preference should be.

**If you rush into something it usually fizzles out. I speak from experience. How old are you and your fiance?

Annas2013 · November 2012

Do not rush into the marriage part right now. For goodness sake's it's only been a month. It won't kill you to wait. I promise you, at the beginning, everything is still new and perfect. Give yourselves time to really get to know each other. We got engaged after a few months, but have had a super incredibly long engagement not only for financial reasons, but because it gave us a chance to really work together and see how we are as a couple. Every relationship is different, but giving having a long engagement for us worked out since we had to deal with job loss, a death in the family, and other stuff you never really think about, but can tear relationships apart sometimes.

Also if you have to keep it a secret, it's probably not going to go well. You need to be adult enough to stand by your decisions openly to your friends and family. I agree with SBSMADA, your ages could also play a significant role in this. Not being negative since I'm somewhat young, but rushing into things doesn't always end well. Especially if you don't give yourselves time to really see how things go.

LanceAndTaylor · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_advice-for-a-newly-engaged-girl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:e898c2e6-8d6f-487f-ab9e-3719ca7f08c0Post:7ce1df81-3510-4185-b792-3c81068b6ecc">Re: Advice for a newly engaged girl?</a>:
[QUOTE]This may sound harsh, but I really think if you're not willing and able to stand up to your friends and family and defend your decision to get married (if they give you a hard time), then you are not ready to get married. Also, don't get married and keep it a secret (and definitely don't do that and have a do-over 'wedding' later). Why not just wait until you are able to have the ceremony and reception and get married then, especially if you won't be able to live together if you marry sooner? I must also admit that this does sound a bit odd. What's the rush? It wouldn't hurt your relationship to slow down, and get to know each other better. I also feel the need to ask how old both of you are.
Posted by tiny speck[/QUOTE]
I appreciate your honesty and I value your opinion. I'm 23 and he's 27.

thejucheidea · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_advice-for-a-newly-engaged-girl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e898c2e6-8d6f-487f-ab9e-3719ca7f08c0Post:868d8e61-ba83-4be3-bbeb-8a617614a884">Advice for a newly engaged girl?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my fiancee and I just got engaged a couple days ago, but it's a secret. We met on a dating website and hit it off, and <strong>we've only been seeing each other for a month</strong>, but we both love each other and, admitting that it will be difficult and that love is not about emotions, but about commitment and choosing to selflessly love the other person, we want to get married.
Posted by LanceAndTaylor[/QUOTE]
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KatWAG · November 2012

You are not in love, you are in lust. Wait for the new and shiny to wear off and then see where your relationship stands. This process takes more than a month. Spend holidays together, learn to argue together, have mutual friends, discuss money etc.

Stina51286 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_advice-for-a-newly-engaged-girl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e898c2e6-8d6f-487f-ab9e-3719ca7f08c0Post:868d8e61-ba83-4be3-bbeb-8a617614a884">Advice for a newly engaged girl?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my fiancee and I just got engaged a couple days ago, but it's a secret. We met on a dating website and hit it off, and we've only been seeing each other for a month, but we both love each other and, admitting that it will be difficult and that love is not about emotions, but about commitment and choosing to selflessly love the other person, we want to get married. We haven't told anyone because we don't want to deal with the judgment that is inevitable given our situation. <strong>That being said, we're both not in a financial situation where we can move in together soon, and so if we elope, which we are planning to do, we would need to live apart for at least another 6 months and keep our marriage a secret. Then, after some time, we could have a ceremony for our friends and family and live together.</strong> I want to marry him and I'm excited to, but I'm not sure how I'll be able to live without him while being married to him. Any advice?
Posted by LanceAndTaylor[/QUOTE]

Wrong on soooo many levels. You cannot afford to live together right now so how can you afford to elope? You know NOTHING about each other. Things like this lead to divorce. Slow your roll.

cu97tiger · November 2012

The fact that not only are you willing to marry someone you've only known for a month but you DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN WAIT ANY LONGER tells me that you're not mature enough to be married yet. Adults have to make tough decisions. If you don't have the finances in place to move in, then you don't move in together. You don't run off and have a secret wedding.

Please, date him for another six months, reevaluate your relationship and your finances. Do NOT lie to your family and friends because you are scared that they will give you honest feedback.

Getting2Vowels · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_advice-for-a-newly-engaged-girl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:e898c2e6-8d6f-487f-ab9e-3719ca7f08c0Post:69c6216a-581c-4180-9a9b-f2cb11e62e86">Re: Advice for a newly engaged girl?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Advice for a newly engaged girl? : Wrong on soooo many levels. You cannot afford to live together right now so how can you afford to elope? You know NOTHING about each other. Things like this lead to divorce.<strong> Slow your roll.</strong>
Posted by Stina51286[/QUOTE]

Well put.

jemmini6 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_advice-for-a-newly-engaged-girl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:e898c2e6-8d6f-487f-ab9e-3719ca7f08c0Post:ef9c3335-869e-4323-b99e-fc1f9258a532">Re: Advice for a newly engaged girl?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>The fact that not only are you willing to marry someone you've only known for a month but you DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN WAIT ANY LONGER tells me that you're not mature enough to be married yet.</strong> Adults have to make tough decisions. If you don't have the finances in place to move in, then you don't move in together. You don't run off and have a secret wedding. Please, date him for another six months, reevaluate your relationship and your finances. Do NOT lie to your family and friends because you are scared that they will give you honest feedback.
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

<div>A-freakin-men!!</div>

s-aries8990 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_advice-for-a-newly-engaged-girl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:e898c2e6-8d6f-487f-ab9e-3719ca7f08c0Post:95088561-79f5-46d3-b7e4-9566870bebd8">Re:Advice for a newly engaged girl?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto everyone else. <strong>If marrying this person is right, it will still be right when your finances are in order,</strong> you can live together as a married couple, and you feel like you can tell your families and friends.
Posted by Schatzi13[/QUOTE]

This exactly! Be engaged! For a long time! My boyfriend and I have been going together for five and a half years. He wanted to get engaged at 18 (I'm 22 now), but I knew that I would want to keep it from my mom and if I can't tell my mom I'm getting married, then what's the point? Wait until you are able to move in together and cohabitate for a bit after you're engaged. Then, if you want a PPD, WAIT OORR do a vow renewal in 10 or 15 years (a significant year).

If it feels so right, then it will still be right in a year or two :)

SachaBee · November 2012

I'm not going to tell you that "you're not in love" because no one but you can know that, and I do feel it's possible to fall in love very quickly and still have a stable relationship....I did. I am. My then-boyfriend, now-fiance and I fell in love after about five weeks, but didn't move in together for about a year and were engaged about two years after that...and it'll still be at least a year and a half before we tie the knot! (Grad school, yo.) So I am telling you from experience, wait.

If you are planning to marry this person, that means that you KNOW you are going to be with them, and love them, no matter what, forever. So why do you need to rush on the wedding?? What would that prove? What would it change? Wait until you can have the wedding you want (and of course the pretty princess day isn't what is important here, but it is understandable to want your family there, supporting you), wait until you can live together, and more importantly, wait until you can build a life together.

Have fun being engaged and planning for your future wedding. Have fun introducing each other to family and friends without the pressure of the wedding hanging over all of you. See how both of you react in stressful situations. Travel together. Talk about kids, finances, jobs, dreams. Weather bumps in the road. Have fights, then make up. Get to know each other. You are both still growing as people--you won't ever stop, hopefully--but make sure you can understand and love that growth in each other.

Your love will still be there six months from now, six years from now, sixty years from now. So why hurry before you are financially (and emotionally, as regards telling your families) ready?

bchampion35 · November 2012

Lust feels a lot like love in the beginning. But if you know your family is not going to approve and you're worried about what they'll say then you know in your head that you don't want to hear the truth. Your heart loves him and that's fine and wonderful. I knew I loved my fiancee when I first met him...7 years ago. Take time to build a strong foundation for your marriage. Get past lust into friendship, respect and lasting love. Getting to know each other, dating, can be fun and amazing too.

Good luck & be well

Summer2011Bride · November 2012

To me it doesn't matter what ages you guys are; there are people in their thirties or forties who arent ready for marriage and people who are 22 years old who truly are. There's nothing wrong with not being ready if you can step back and realize you are not ready. If you can't tell your family and have only been together for a month, you are NOT ready!

In my opinion, you can't truly know you're in love until you've been with someone long enough to see the good AND the bad, to weather a difficult situation together, to meet each others' families, spend a holiday together or travel together. Any one of those situations can make one or both people run for the hills if it's not right. Realize that while you are marrying him, you are also becoming a part of his family and I would not be willing to marry a guy without knowing his family. I also think you need to have honest discussions about kids, money, jobs, religion, and a whole host of other important things which I doubt were discussed in length or with any real seriousness after only one month together.

Keep dating him. Tell your families you met someone online who you really like and meet each others' families. Take time to get to know one another, their friends, families, have some serious discussions and give it time. In a year or so if you still feel the same way, then get engaged and start planning a wedding you can afford.

LanceAndTaylor · November 2012

Thanks for your advice, everyone. After a good talk last night, we're postponing everything. I appreciate your honesty and the truth you have spoken

cwaggoner07 · November 2012

Good for you guys! Truly wish you guys all the best... and have fun dating! I LOVED all the time H and I spent getting to know each other on a casual level, and it build the best foundation.

Vintagelove4 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_advice-for-a-newly-engaged-girl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:e898c2e6-8d6f-487f-ab9e-3719ca7f08c0Post:f14139a0-d7ea-4aa8-8d13-fbfdbbae71ba">Re: Advice for a newly engaged girl?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your advice, everyone. After a good talk last night, we're postponing everything. I appreciate your honesty and the truth you have spoken :)
Posted by LanceAndTaylor[/QUOTE]

Good for you two! Enjoy dating! Especially if it truly is the last time you'll get to be called "girlfriend." :)

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