Family problems....

xoxocammyxoxo · December 2010

My fiance and my families are both divorced. Fortunately he's been able to talk to his mother and father and they have both agreed to behave during our ceremony and reception. My father's widow has agreed to behave but my mother refuses to cooperate. I've asked them all very nicely to be civil just for a day so we can get through this happy day without leaving anyone out, and every time I ask she gets irrate and starts going off. I love her, I really do, but I'm afraid of her acting out and causing drama at our wedding and ruining our day. I've tried to explain my feelings but every time she lashes out asking me why I even want to invite her anyway. Any ideas?

PsyDet 2155 · December 2010

You mom will be the one embarassing herself, it won't reflect on you that she can't behave at a wedding. Sorry you're going through this though.

Loopyseven · December 2010

How long have you been engaged? Hopefully in the 1 year and 9 months before your wedding, your mom can come to terms with the fact that your step-mom will be invited and calm down.

Otherwise, if she does cause a scene, the one most likely to be embarrassed and thought poorly of, is going to be her.

Good luck!

xoxocammyxoxo · December 2010

We've been engaged for a year now.

Loopyseven · December 2010

How long has your mom known that you are inviting your step-mom? Do you think of her as your step-mom?

IE - is it new news that she's overreacting to, or is it old news and she just can't move on?

AlannaF · December 2010

My parents are divorced. I invited my mom, as well as my dad and his wife. No matter how I tried to accommodate her, my mom pulled the martyr card and kept refusing to come. She was freaked out about the thought of seeing my dad again after 20+ years, and she has some anxiety issues too that probably played into this. Her decision upset me a lot at first, then I realized I needed to focus on the fact that I was getting married and enjoying that time with my FI. I also realized that I can't control how she chooses to act. In the months/weeks prior to the wedding, I continually made sure my mom knew that she was always welcome to come if she decided to change her mind. She didn't come. She didn't even send a card. It sucked - for her. She made that choice and she'll have to deal with it. Yours will too. I have a totally clear conscience about the whole ordeal b/c I did everything I could to make sure she knew she was welcome and was careful not to say anything out of anger/spite that I'd later regret.

Just don't let this issue overshadow everything else, b/c you can't control her decisions. You've got a year, maybe she'll change her mind. If not, realize that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her own insecurities.

Edited to add: Sorry, I'm half asleep. I read your post as though she was threatening to not show, with the whole "why are you inviting me anyway" thing. Um, yeah. If she acts crazy, I really think your family, friends, etc., know you and know the situation. She'll only embarrass herself. Again, don't worry about stuff you can't control and just hope for the best.

xoxocammyxoxo · December 2010

Loopyseven
No this isn't new news to her. I've told her last year that we were having my step-mom's daughter (my half sister) as my flower girl and I didn't feel right inviting the daughter without inviting my step brother and their mother.

AlannaF
Thank you for your incouraging words. I really wish she would just put things aside for the day. Although I do understand why she says she doesn't want to go. There has been quite a lot of drama the past few years with my dad's wife and his family that they fought all the time. I don't know. I just think that people should be able to put things aside to be happy for just a day.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

My parents HATE each other. Like, they haven't talked in 4 years and they only divorced 5 years ago. There was an incident between my dad and my stepfather, but I didn't find out about it until after the wedding. Just keep them apart as much as possible (different tables) and it will be as okay as it's going to be.

tidetravel · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:17f77f47-8e0f-4d48-880a-0a471123324bPost:6efa1f99-be14-4742-9393-9f75817c67b7">Re: Family problems....</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents are divorced. I invited my mom, as well as my dad and his wife. No matter how I tried to accommodate her, my mom pulled the martyr card and kept refusing to come. She was freaked out about the thought of seeing my dad again after 20+ years, and she has some anxiety issues too that probably played into this. Her decision upset me a lot at first, then I realized I needed to focus on the fact that I was getting married and enjoying that time with my FI. I also realized that I can't control how she chooses to act. In the months/weeks prior to the wedding, I continually made sure my mom knew that she was always welcome to come if she decided to change her mind. She didn't come. She didn't even send a card.<strong> It sucked - for her. She made that choice and she'll have to deal with it. Yours will too.</strong> I have a totally clear conscience about the whole ordeal b/c I did everything I could to make sure she knew she was welcome and was careful not to say anything out of anger/spite that I'd later regret. Just don't let this issue overshadow everything else, b/c you can't control her decisions. You've got a year, maybe she'll change her mind. If not, realize that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her own insecurities. Edited to add: Sorry, I'm half asleep. I read your post as though she was threatening to not show, with the whole "why are you inviting me anyway" thing. Um, yeah. If she acts crazy, I really think your family, friends, etc., know you and know the situation. She'll only embarrass herself. Again, don't worry about stuff you can't control and just hope for the best.
Posted by AlannaF[/QUOTE]

Alanna - you handled your situation beautifully, and I'm sorry that your mom couldn't get past her issues to attend your wedding.

OP - Alanna makes an excellent point. If she pulls the "I'm not coming if so-and-so comes," call her bluff. Simply tell her that "she'll be missed" and mean it. If she chooses to indulge her hatred for your father/stepmom, then that's on HER, and will be a choice that SHE will have to live with for the rest of her life.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

Ditto the others. If they embarrass themselves at the wedding, they will look the idiots, not you. They are adults and know how to act. If they get too crazy, tell them you will ask them to leave or have them escorted out by someone who works at the venue.

mica178 · December 2010

Sorry that you're dealing with this. I agree with the PPs. Just continue your course of action (inviting both sides of you family), and let the difficult members make their own choices.

Family problems....

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