Alcohol at the Reception

cinday12 · January 2010

My mom is ok with having a cash bar at the reception but my fiance's parents are not thrilled about that idea. Do I just not have it at all or just keep the cash bar?

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

Cash bars are generally percieved as rude, so I can see why your FILs wouldn't be happy.

Can you do some sort of limited bar? Beer/wine only is often much cheaper than a full bar. If you simply don't have the budget to offer anything, then just have it dry. Having a dry wedding is better than asking the guests to pay.

NcsuPsych · January 2010

I agree with the pp. There's nothing wrong with a dry reception:)

banana468 · January 2010

Can you tell your parents what is in the budget in case they want to pay for the open bar? Let them know what you CAN afford to host.

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

I would see if you can offer at least beer, wine, and soft drinks. (This is what we're doing.) You can also see what various packages your venues offers; if you don't have a lot of drinkers, it might be cheaper to pay by consumption (pay for each drink), but if you do have a lot of drinkers, then a flat rate per person or per hour will probably be better. Also see if the venue will let you bring in your own alcohol, since you can usually get it cheaper in bulk, and many liquor stores will let you return the unopened bottles for a refund.

If you haven't booked a venue yet, I would shop around until you find one that you like that has a reasonable bar package. The bar was a dealbreaker for us, and caused us to ditch our dream venue.

Cash bars are acceptable in some circles, but generally considered rude. If some guests would be fine and some would be offended, it's probably best to default to what won't offend anyone.

weddingbells2010 · January 2010

Ditto to all.

Guests do not want to spend a small fortune on your wedding. What with a decent gift, transportation, maybe lodging... to ask them to pay for their own drinks too is considered rude. Do beer/wine/soda or dry.

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_alcohol-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:34d5e371-60db-4c68-bea1-a196c1e580b3Post:8b37fbb1-10d9-4b35-a6ba-6a5253c1b9c5">Re: Alcohol at the Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In my area it's pretty acceptable and almost typical to have a cash bar. Usually beer and soda, and sometimes wine are hosted, so I guess it isn't totally a cash bar. In my area full open bars aren't very common. I would go with what the norm is for your area. Maybe post to your local board and ask there?
Posted by Izzygrim[/QUOTE]
The problem is that it isn't even really regional: I've seen both pro- and anti-cash bar people from the same neighborhood on these boards. It's more a social circle thing. If anyone in either family has objections to the idea of cash bar, you shouldn't do it.

stylishandie · January 2010

you could always have free drinks before dinner (when everyone isn't getting all drunk) and then charge after dinner. That would be a compromise.

Ditto to what others have said though.

banana468 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_alcohol-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:34d5e371-60db-4c68-bea1-a196c1e580b3Post:e900c85a-b6d8-409d-b732-ab7546cf0195">Re: Alcohol at the Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]you could always have free drinks before dinner (when everyone isn't getting all drunk) and then charge after dinner. That would be a compromise.
Posted by stylishandie[/QUOTE]

That would be rude AND deceptive.

Pirata13 · January 2010

We are also doing wine/beer/soda. Much more affordable, and something for everyone. I agree with PP to look into what packages your venue can offer, or look around at other venues. If you already have a venue, don't hesitate to ask if you can do just wine/beer/soda. We were originally quoted the price based on fulll bar. We didn't want to have hard liquor because we didn't want people slamming shots all night, so we asked about the beer/wine option. She said they could absolutely do that, and came back with a lower price quote for us.

526SadieSadie · January 2010

We're having an open bar during the cocktail hour and as of right now, it's a cash bar after that. Your guests are there to celebrate your wedding, not get sh*tfaced on your dime. I don't think it's rude at all! When you have an open bar, at the end of the night, more often than not there are unfinished drinks everywhere and it's a WASTE of money (and booze). Each table at my wedding is getting a bottle of red wine and a bottle of white wine, that's a decent way to go. OR you could maybe come up with a signature cocktail, a Matromotini as my cousin calls them, and have those be free all night. Having an unrestricted open bar is insane, but that's my opinion.

goheels05 · January 2010

Sadie, that's a really insulting way to talk about your guests, the people you supposedly love and care about enough to share your wedding day with them.

Most people consider cash bars rude. You wouldn't invite someone to your home and charge them for drinks and expect everyone to be cool with that, so why would that be acceptable on your wedding day?

I think the first poster gave you an excellent suggestion. FWIW, we had wine and beer only and I think we saved a ton of money--our bar tab came out under $1,000 for over 100 people at a 4 hour reception. We chose 3 wines and 3 premium domestic beers (so not even the cheapest ones offered), as well as sodas, tea, and coffee.

526SadieSadie · January 2010

Heels, you and I obviously have a difference of opinion, no need to get personal. All I said was you don't go to a wedding to drink, you go to celebrate. Alcohol doesn't even need to be served. I've thrown several huge parties with open bars, I've personally paid for and cleaned up the wasted drinks. It just seems really insane to me.

banana468 · January 2010

Sadie, you're absolutely right that you don't need to serve alcohol. However it's inappropriate and improper etiquette to ask your guests to pay for anything.

And it's a very short-sighted and rather delusional view to equate an open bar to guests getting drunk on the hosts' dime.

The guests are the REASON for the reception. Yes it's a celebration but they are there to be honored by you or the hosts. It's never appropriate or in good taste to treat them like they're doing something bad before they arrive.

banana468 · January 2010

No one says that you have to spend a certain amount of money.
However it's not appropriate to tell your guests that if they want something at your reception then it's at their cost.

There are TONS of ways to lower your cost as a host. Asking the guests to pay for something they want at the reception though does not fall into the bounds of following proper etiquette.

526SadieSadie · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_alcohol-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:34d5e371-60db-4c68-bea1-a196c1e580b3Post:c50a11c9-5a26-46d0-8158-bafce0cb8755">Re: Alcohol at the Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]No one says that you have to spend a certain amount of money. [/QUOTE]
Exactly. If an open bar was X amount of money, I'd consider it. But it's a number based on usage, completely intangible and uncontrollable. F that. I already said (which may have gotten overlooked) that each table is getting free wine, I have no problem with that, the champagne toast, too perfect. I wouldn't consider asking people to pay for the champagne. But I'm not paying for unlimited liquor. Go ahead if you want to, not me.

banana468 · January 2010

Sadie, the issue is that if your guest are going to want something else then they're paying for it.

Just don't offer it and offer what is IN your budget.

goheels05 · January 2010

Sadie, I think you are misunderstanding. There is a difference between not offering liquor and charging for it. Not offering it is fine. Charging for it is not. I know the difference may seem subtle to you, but there is a difference, nontheless.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

Sadie, you seem to be put out at having guests and your wedding, and feel that you shouldn't be bothered to host them.

If you dislike these people so much, why are you inviting them to your wedding?

allee8409 · January 2010

i think that Sadie is right I have been to several weddings in the last year and it's always the same group of friends. I am getting married in 2011, I don't think that people should allow open bar and although "ettiquitte" says that you should or should not do things...it's rediculous...are all you ladies wearing white on your wedding day but have gotten down with your fiancee's ? i think that would be improper ettiquite to "decieve your guests" white is reserved for the "pure" but that's if you all follow the proper ettiquite, My friends (if you can call them that) go to weddings to get sh***faced and it's sad. If the people offered cash bars, these broke people wouldnt be able to drink more than they should. I think it's a good way to limit the alcohol consumption...

But that's just one woman's opinion.....

banana468 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_alcohol-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:34d5e371-60db-4c68-bea1-a196c1e580b3Post:47b7c085-14f8-4b37-a502-9256528a018a">Re: Alcohol at the Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]i think that Sadie is right I have been to several weddings in the last year and it's always the same group of friends. I am getting married in 2011, I don't think that people should allow open bar and although "ettiquitte" says that you should or should not do things...it's rediculous...are all you ladies wearing white on your wedding day but have gotten down with your fiancee's ? i think that would be improper ettiquite to "decieve your guests" white is reserved for the "pure" but that's if you all follow the proper ettiquite, My friends (if you can call them that) go to weddings to get sh***faced and it's sad. If the people offered cash bars, these broke people wouldnt be able to drink more than they should. I think it's a good way to limit the alcohol consumption... But that's just one woman's opinion.....
Posted by allee8409[/QUOTE]

You're completely misinformed on why a white dress was worn. It had NOTHING to do with purity although some people out there created that asinine logic. It was started because it was a frivolous and impractical color to wear and was a sign of wealth by the queen who wore it.

Also, wearing white has ZERO to do with etiquette. There's no rule on the color of the dress that one wears at her wedding. You could wear black and that's not traditional but does not break any rules.

The difference here is that we're discussing how to treat one's guests. At a wedding, it's impolite to have something available to them that isn't hosted. Period.

If your friends go to weddings to get wasted then you have ways to prevent that such as telling your venue staff to make sure those who appear to be tipsy are cut off. That's THEIR job. Your job is to be a good host and to not punish people who haven't done anything wrong from the start. I DON'T go to weddings to be intoxicated and I'd at least roll my eyes at the person who used that logic with why I suddenly had to pay for my drink at his/her wedding.

betrothed123 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_alcohol-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:34d5e371-60db-4c68-bea1-a196c1e580b3Post:47b7c085-14f8-4b37-a502-9256528a018a">Re: Alcohol at the Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]i think that Sadie is right I have been to several weddings in the last year and it's always the same group of friends. I am getting married in 2011, I don't think that people should allow open bar and although "ettiquitte" says that you should or should not do things...it's rediculous...are all you ladies wearing white on your wedding day but have gotten down with your fiancee's ? i think that would be improper ettiquite to "decieve your guests" white is reserved for the "pure" but that's if you all follow the proper ettiquite, My friends (if you can call them that) go to weddings to get sh***faced and it's sad. If the people offered cash bars, these broke people wouldnt be able to drink more than they should. I think it's a good way to limit the alcohol consumption... But that's just one woman's opinion.....
Posted by allee8409[/QUOTE]

Being adults, my friends are all capable of monitoring their own alcohol consumption, and drinking at an event without getting totally shitfaced. They will also drink just as much if it's free as if they have to pay for it. If your friends can't do this, I think it's a problem with your friends, not the beverages being served.

Your white dress argument is totally flawed for a couple of reasons:

1. A white dress was not originally meant to symbolize purity at all. It was meant as a status symbol. Rich brides would get white dresses because there was no other occasion to wear a white dress to. By wearing a white dress she's showing all of the guests that her family has enough money to buy her a special dress for this one day, that will never be worn again. Do some research on your arguments before you vocalize them.

2. Wearing a white dress has nothing at all to do with etiquette. Etiquette is a set of rules defining what is socially accepted behavior. In other words, it's a set of guidelines you use in order to make sure not to offend others. If you want to piss everyone off, go ahead and ignore etiquette. If you want to be a good host you need to follow it.

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

If I were at a wedding and found out that the logic behind the cash bar was that the bride assumed that her friends didn't know how to behave and were just trying to get trashed on her dime, I'd be beyond insulted.

kateinater · January 2010

I think the open bar issue is totally based on where you live. In Maine it is very common to have a cash bar. I have been to many weddings in different "social circles" and they have all been cash bars. Surprisingly, I wasn't the least bit insulted. I just paid for my drinks and had a great time celebrating with my friends or family. I suppose I should write their names down in my mighty wedding etiquette book in the naughty section though.

banana468 · January 2010

I don't know that you can call it by location. I attended a wedding in Maine about ten years ago that was full open bar.

goheels05 · January 2010

Ditto. Social circles? Maybe. Location? Not buyin' it, sorry.

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