How do I handle this?

kellybeatle · August 2011

Ok..so my fmil showed me her outfit for our wedding day. She was beaming with pride as she brought out her white sundress and white jacket that she plans to wear to our wedding. I smiled, and told her I thought the dress was LOVELY. I know it isn't good etiquette to wear white to a wedding, but I figure, she's a sixty year old woman and I do not have any right to tell her what to wear to anything. All-in-all it's just a party...and her wearing all white to the wedding does not reflect badly on me.

Now Fiance and my own mother are mad at me for not speaking up and telling her to pick something different to wear. My mother is outraged, but fiance understands that this just isn't a battle that I want to pick with my future mil....I don't want to embarrass her and again, at 60, I figure she can dress herself. FI wants to talk to his mom about it and tell her she should pick something else but I have asked him not to.

Who is right? Should fiance talk to her about it? Again, I really don't mind if she wears white...but some people were appalled when they heard about it. WWYD?

zitiqueen · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8d4c2fac-2a0b-4add-9327-cfc34c4b14d7Post:c9eb02ce-0c11-4bbf-ae76-d197dd1fb00c">How do I handle this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok..so my fmil showed me her outfit for our wedding day. She was beaming with pride as she brought out her white sundress and white jacket that she plans to wear to our wedding. I smiled, and told her I thought the dress was LOVELY. I know it isn't good etiquette to wear white to a wedding, but I figure, she's a sixty year old woman and I do not have any right to tell her what to wear to anything. All-in-all it's just a party...and her wearing all white to the wedding does not reflect badly on me. Now Fiance and my own mother are mad at me for not speaking up and telling her to pick something different to wear. My mother is outraged, but fiance understands that this just isn't a battle that I want to pick with my future mil....I don't want to embarrass her and again, at 60, I figure she can dress herself. FI wants to talk to his mom about it and tell her she should pick something else but I have asked him not to. Who is right? Should fiance talk to her about it? Again, I really don't mind if she wears white...but some people were appalled when they heard about it. WWYD?
Posted by kellybeatle[/QUOTE]

You are right, they are wrong.

em01092 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8d4c2fac-2a0b-4add-9327-cfc34c4b14d7Post:c9eb02ce-0c11-4bbf-ae76-d197dd1fb00c">How do I handle this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok..so my fmil showed me her outfit for our wedding day. She was beaming with pride as she brought out her white sundress and white jacket that she plans to wear to our wedding. I smiled, and told her I thought the dress was LOVELY. I know it isn't good etiquette to wear white to a wedding, but I figure, she's a sixty year old woman and I do not have any right to tell her what to wear to anything. All-in-all it's just a party...and her wearing all white to the wedding does not reflect badly on me. Now Fiance and my own mother are mad at me for not speaking up and telling her to pick something different to wear. My mother is outraged, but fiance understands that this just isn't a battle that I want to pick with my future mil....I don't want to embarrass her and again, at 60, I figure she can dress herself. FI wants to talk to his mom about it and tell her she should pick something else but I have asked him not to. Who is right? Should fiance talk to her about it? Again, I really don't mind if she wears white...but some people were appalled when they heard about it. WWYD?
Posted by kellybeatle[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You, my friend, are in the right. Yeah, it is kinda tacky of your FMIL to wear white to a wedding (is it ALL white or patterned?) and people will side-eye her, but in the end she will be the one to look like a fool, not you, and it sounds like you don't care anyway. </div><div>
</div><div>The only semi-valid argument I have for saying anything is if you are close with your FMIL and you are afraid people gossiping about her choice of attire and this hurting her feelings more. A lot of times we get brides telling us about this scenario with tension between them and their FMIL and they feel they are doing it to spite them, but you didn't mention that, so I'm thinking you are on better terms. Even then it is a sensitive issue, like you said, since she is a grown woman and she has already purchased the outfit. </div><div>
</div><div>So yeah, I would really just let it go and tell your family to do the same. Tell them you don't mind, since you don't seem to really, and change the subject. </div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

bstent · August 2011

I think your attitude is great, because I totally agree that this is not something I would want to cause a stink about. That being said, she might not be aware that it's strange for her to wear all white, and if you think she'd be embarrassed to find out that her outfit is a faux pas, maybe it's a good idea for her son or for you to mention it to her to save her the side-eye she might get from other guests. You don't have to make a big deal out of it and I absolutely agree about not telling a grown woman what to wear, but she might appreciate a heads up that most women would avoid white at a wedding.

kellybeatle · August 2011

Thanks for the encouragement ladies! I DO want to spare her the side-eye and gossip, but at the same time...our people aren't judgy like that. The only people who will side eye her is my mom and she IS judgy like that, and I've given up trying to control that. I really like FMIL...I don't want to come off as disapproving of her when she is really the one who is going all out for our wedding (she's graciously letting us have our wedding in her back yard). But yes, it's ALL WHITE in an eyelet pattern (she chose it specifically so she would match the flower girls - yeah, she's a little ditsy and is completely unaware that she is not 18 anymore).

I figure if one of her friends mentions it, great, if not, fine...it doesn't matter.

Thanks again for the replies - I feel better about standing my ground with FI and telling him to give his momma lotsa love instead of criticism about a silly little dress at a party! When my mom makes comments, I'll just continue to "bean dip her"

graysquirrel · August 2011

My aunt wore a white dress to my wedding and she was a reader. I was kind of upset about it, but in the end, it didn't matter one little bit. I don't know if she got side-eyed or not, but I wasn't even paying attention to her dress when she got up. People will be there to look at you, not to criticize your MIL's dress. While it is not a good idea for her to wear white, there isn't much that anyone can do about it. It is good to begin married life on good terms with one's in-laws. I'd remind your mom and FI about that.

em01092 · August 2011

I'm glad you don't have any beef between you and your FMIL. That often seems to be the suspected cause when a FMIL picks a white outfit.

Yeah, I say just let it go. It really won't matter in the end.

covejack · August 2011

Oh, you are SO right. If FI is disturbed by his mother's actions, he should talk to her himself and leave you well out of it.

[Deleted User] · August 2011

I think your attitude about this speaks volumes about you as a person. You have a great attitude about this and in the bigger picture, none of your guests are really going to remember what other people wore.

If it doesn't bother you, it shouldn't really bother other people because the main reason you don't wear white to a wedding is because of the bride.

LoveMuffins · August 2011

I think your attitude is great

Although, I also think that if FI wants to say something to his mom you shouldn't stop him. After all, she knows your opinion and if it bothers him he actually CAN speak up about it without sounding like a jerk, cuz it's his mom. Maybe he's worried that other people will judge her too and doesn't want that. It's up to him to figure out whether or not he wants to say something, just make sure that both he and she are clear that you are happy with her wearing whatever she wants.

jolla92126 · August 2011

I would butt out. If FI wants to tell his mom, let him. (It will save her from embarassing herself.) If FI doesn't want to tell his mom, don't make him.

KimzyLynn · August 2011

Maybe you could suggest FI get her a different colored jacket to wear over instead of the white?

doeie04 · August 2011

If FI has an issue with it, he should talk to her. I like the idea of a different colored jacket too.

Since you said she was kind of ditzy, maybe she didn't even think about it. It sounds harmless, you are in the right.

How do I handle this?

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