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Demanding Mom

elfrangercgelfrangercg
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
I love my mom. It's just been me and her my whole life, but now that I'm an adult it seems she has become super clingy with me. She always rubs on me as if I were her boyfriend, and she gets mad if I pull away (I don't really like to be touched). 

Anyway she lives in Massachusetts, and I live in Chicago (where the wedding will be).  My fiance and I are paying for the wedding, but she keeps insisting she knows better and has these ridiculous ideas.  Once she said that my fiance should be funding the honeymoon by himself because she read that on an etiquette site. Also from "etiquette" sites she has determined that she is allowed to invite her own guests, that I should pay for her trip (airfare and hotel room), hair, make up, and dress.  Also she keeps forcing this idea of a mother/daughter dance to a particular song on me.  We are having a very small wedding (maybe 50 people) and very casual.  It seems that she doesn't understand this no matter how hard I try.  My fiance is not having a mother/son dance, and it would seem so weird to have a mother/daughter dance. And even if I agreed to dance with her she won't bend on the song.  Also since we are having a small wedding I don't know why she keeps insisting that she is allowed to invite her own friends.  She says that she will know no one at the wedding, but basically everyone at the wedding are her sisters and brothers.  I keep telling her no on these things and her only response is YES!

Sorry this is so long. Does anyone have any experience dealing with demanding moms, and how to get through to them? Thanks
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Re: Demanding Mom

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    selowe1selowe1 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My mom is the same way in some aspects.  She is very demanding on my wedding dress and is insisting that since she is paying for it that she gets to pick it out!!  She showed me the dress and yea not gonna happen.  My best advise to you is to stand your ground.  Let her know that as much as you like her input that it is your wedding not hers.  Its come to the point with my mom that my fiance has had to step in and tell her that its our wedding not hers.  I feel your pain sweetie trust me! But the best way i have come to dealing with my demanding mother is to stand my ground.  She will be upset at first but in the end she will come around.
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    Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You sit down with her, and with as much love as can muster, you tell her how you feel and what you are going to do.  You very clearly outline the points you have made here.  Then, you tell her that you love her and can't wait to share the day with her.

    Then you refuse to argue about it anymore.  If she brings it up, you remind her that you have discussed this and she knows what the plan is.

    Be loving, be direct, and be real.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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    orangecrush32orangecrush32 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think the two of you need to sit down and have a long conversation and you need to explain everything you've told us. Eventually she'll understand, it'll just take a little while.
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ditto PPs.  You need to be direct and to tell your mom no.  Remember "No" isn't a four letter word.  Just lay it out there and stick to it.  If you're in charge, you can't pay for things or do them without your own consent.
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    sister2groomsister2groom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This might just be encouraging an argument, but if she refers you to site that say the bride needs to pay for the mom's everything, you could tell her you don't really believe everythig you read on the internet. For instance, there are tons of website that (falsely) claim that the bride's parents must pay for the wedding.

    And don't discuss who's paying for the honeymoon with her. Beside, presumably you will have some sort of financial combination after the wedding between you and your FI, so it doesn't really matter who pays for what.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ditto pp. Learn to put your foot down and tell her "no." You also may want to try disclosing very little details to her that you think will insist on something being done a different way.

    My Mom is very controlling and maniupulative, so she wasn't involved in the planning of our wedding bc I knew it would lead to problems that I didn't want to deal with. We paid for it ourselves, so I could always say that since we are paying for it, we will decide what we want to do. That would alwasy shut her up.
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    midgemotomidgemoto
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I get it ... finally figured out the rather universal answer to almost everythig my Mom insists on.   

    practice now 1 2 3 "" will see?'  " maybe"  hummmm"  " wow really?"
    "might happen.."  "interesting thought"  "thats different"   

    anythng but yes....  practice... just don't let her blindside you...

    and be glad for the miles in between... 
     (ouch... too honest perhaps...but whose life is this anyway!)
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    Habs2HartHabs2Hart member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Thank your lucky stars that she does not live in the city your wedding is in and continue with your own plans.

    If she pushes for you to buy something (as per her ettiquete sites) ask her point blank if she'd like you to be in debt up to your eyeballs over your wedding.  It may hush her.

    I have friends who's MIL's and M's have gone behind their backs to change things about their weddings without consulting them... so if you think it'll go that far, then tell your vendors that you have booked that nobody makes changes except you and Fl. 
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    ichellemay1ichellemay1
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_demanding-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a4b8d3dd-27f1-4366-a5da-59237b1049d5Post:765bfcc8-b696-42c3-82bd-e38dffc8d9cf">Demanding Mom</a>:
    [QUOTE]I love my mom. It's just been me and her my whole life, but now that I'm an adult it seems she has become super clingy with me. She always rubs on me as if I were her boyfriend, and she gets mad if I pull away (I don't really like to be touched).  Anyway she lives in Massachusetts, and I live in Chicago (where the wedding will be).  My fiance and I are paying for the wedding, but she keeps insisting she knows better and has these ridiculous ideas.  Once she said that my fiance should be funding the honeymoon by himself because she read that on an etiquette site. Also from "etiquette" sites she has determined that she is allowed to invite her own guests, that I should pay for her trip (airfare and hotel room), hair, make up, and dress.  Also she keeps forcing this idea of a mother/daughter dance to a particular song on me.  We are having a very small wedding (maybe 50 people) and very casual.  It seems that she doesn't understand this no matter how hard I try.  My fiance is not having a mother/son dance, and it would seem so weird to have a mother/daughter dance. And even if I agreed to dance with her she won't bend on the song.  Also since we are having a small wedding I don't know why she keeps insisting that she is allowed to invite her own friends.  She says that she will know no one at the wedding, but basically everyone at the wedding are her sisters and brothers.  I keep telling her no on these things and her only response is YES! Sorry this is so long. Does anyone have any experience dealing with demanding moms, and how to get through to them? Thanks
    Posted by elfrangercg[/QUOTE]

    Definitely go with the bean dip response.
    Anniversary
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    jcamm11jcamm11 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Those who pay get a say.  Offer her to pay for extra guests she wants.  I imagine you could find on Ask Carley Q + A something saying she pays for her own travel expenses, hair, make-up, and dress.

    Honestly, who sponges off their kid? 
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