advice please: What are you doing with your Bridesmen?

bchinchilla · December 2012

Hey all
I'm having 3 bridesmaids come down the aisle with me, and I have 3 bridesmen. Im not really having them go down the aisle as such because I know for a fact none of them have a dime, and all of them would want to wear matching outfits and do the whole wedding party thing. I know if they are just my guests they won't feel pressured to spend any money on things they can't afford. They are very special guys to me, and never say no when I need something, so this time I'm not going to take advantage of their kindness when I know they can't give it.

One idea I came up with is having them put together a wandering minstrel style band and walk me to the ceremony, playing a tune (my mom's house is 2 blocks from the ceremony).

Anyone else having similar issues? Any ideas would be great. Its so hard with bridesmen, in my opinion, because ladies usually buy dresses to go to a friend's wedding so I don't feel like I'm asking anything different of my ladies, but I feel horrible putting a financial burden on the men, who would just show up in what they already own if they were just guests.

I just want to be married

why is it so complicated?

cevans11 · December 2012

My two bridesmen are matching FI's groomsmen, attire-wise, although that is by no means necessary or "required." We chose that for simplicity's sake. Our wedding is pretty informal though, just button up shirts and khakis.

For the processional, the groomsmen will be waiting up front, and my two bridesmen (actually Men of honor) will walk down the aisle just like my other two bridesmaids.

I have quite figured out the recessional yet, but I'm thinking I will just have them peel off, alternating each side.

The bottom line is they're my best friends and I want them standing up there with me.

jlm9113 · December 2012

What a PP said. Find out what clothing they all have in common -- unless one of them absolutely hates button down shirts, I bet they all have a white button down. Then see if they all have black slacks or khaki slacks. Then go out and buy three matching ties that match your wedding colors. Follow up by having them walk down the aisle and standing up with you during the ceremony. Done.

coopsbaby · December 2012

My bridesman is wearing the same suit as the groomsmen are, he'll walk down the aisle just like my bridesmaids and we're recessing one at a time. I think you're overthinking it.

RMcDougle · December 2012

They will probably feel left out if you ask them to be bridesmen but don't have them walkng down the aisle/standing up with you like the rest of the wedding party.

Don't make assumptions about their finances, and don't use those assumptions to decide whether or not to have them in the ceremony. If you ask them 8 months about, and they save 15-20 dollars per month, that's enough to cover a tux rental (from what I'm finding) if they don't already own or a suit or some attire that you can work with for the wedding. If they truly cannot afford attire, maybe you can find space in the budget for these two guys,

I certainly don't purchase a new dress for every (or many) weddings as a guest, so you ARE asking your bridesmaids to make a similar financial commitment by buying a new dress.

amyjbear · December 2012

I am just having my man of honor wear what the guys are wearing- gray pants and a white dress shirt. We are buying their ties so those match. We chose this attire because we know that many of our guys (on both sides) already own this outfit and most of them don't have a large disposable income to rent a tux/suit.

I agree that it is odd to call them bridesmen but not have them participate in the ceremony by standing with you.

bchinchilla · December 2012

thanks for your help guys. Sort of. I am not making assumptions about their finances but for some reason, strangers are. Some people actually don't have $20 extra a month, some people come out of the end of a month in debt. And some people really don't own Khaki pants. In fact, no one I count as a friend owns Khaki pants. Earth-quaking news, LOTS of guys dont own suits. Lots of them.
The groomsmen will be getting suit pants, because that is the kind of guys they are. They're my fiance's friends and they like getting fancy. I think my friends would feel obligated to match them and its a classic case of clothes (and money) creating classes and divisions where there shouldnt be any. What you wear does, unfortunately reflect status at a wedding and THAT is what I'm looking to solve/change/avoid.
I guess barring some ideas that take into account the situation I've actually discribed instead of telling me I'm wrong about my own friends, I will be sticking to my original plan.

bchinchilla · December 2012

THANK YOU!
this is actually the kind of advice, support, and consideration I was looking for. It isn't helpful to go abou tthe forums telling people they're wrong.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-please-what-are-you-doing-with-your-bridesmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:38d6be27-6652-42fb-bbbc-65699184ab9aPost:4e1b05ea-f453-4a79-a87a-e8e254fea7c2">Re: advice please: What are you doing with your Bridesmen?</a>:
[QUOTE]My two bridesmen are matching FI's groomsmen, attire-wise, although that is by no means necessary or "required." We chose that for simplicity's sake. Our wedding is pretty informal though, just button up shirts and khakis. For the processional, the groomsmen will be waiting up front, and my two bridesmen (actually Men of honor) will walk down the aisle just like my other two bridesmaids. I have quite figured out the recessional yet, but I'm thinking I will just have them peel off, alternating each side. The bottom line is they're my best friends and I want them standing up there with me.
Posted by cevans11[/QUOTE]

RMcDougle · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-please-what-are-you-doing-with-your-bridesmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:38d6be27-6652-42fb-bbbc-65699184ab9aPost:43f8f9d6-3da6-451f-8b45-c0aef6566880">Re: advice please: What are you doing with your Bridesmen?</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks for your help guys. Sort of. I am not making assumptions about their finances but for some reason, strangers are. Some people actually don't have $20 extra a month, some people come out of the end of a month in debt. And some people really don't own Khaki pants. In fact, no one I count as a friend owns Khaki pants. Earth-quaking news, LOTS of guys dont own suits. Lots of them. The groomsmen will be getting suit pants, because that is the kind of guys they are. They're my fiance's friends and they like getting fancy. I think my friends would feel obligated to match them and its a classic case of clothes (and money) creating classes and divisions where there shouldnt be any. What you wear does, unfortunately reflect status at a wedding and THAT is what I'm looking to solve/change/avoid. I guess barring some ideas that take into account the situation I've actually discribed instead of telling me I'm wrong about my own friends, I will be sticking to my original plan.
Posted by bchinchilla[/QUOTE]

Yes, it is true that saving any amount of money each month is not a reality for a lot of people. I wasn't assuming that they could, but just saying that you shouldn't assume that they absolutely cannot until you ask them about their budget. But I did also suggest an alternative solution to their budget/clothing issue: that you could foot the bill for their attire.. adding $100, maybe $200 to your budget. Heck, that's what I'm ending up needing to do to help my bridesmen.

Since they will be standing with the bridesmaids, if they were to wear something different than the groomsmen (for budget reasons) it won't look odd, like if one groomsman didn't have a suit but the others did. Two pairs of black or khaki pants, and two button up shirts+tie in a color that matches the bridesmaids dresses could easily cost you under $100.

I still stand with my point that not allowing them to stand with the wedding party (which will then make them NOT bridesmen, but something else) due to clothing issues might very well hurt their feelings.

renegade gaucho · December 2012

I am totally confused as to why the gender of your friends matters here.

advice please: What are you doing with your Bridesmen?

Re: advice please: What are you doing with your Bridesmen?

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