Friends Controlling the Bachelor Party

iheartjsb · March 2010

I have a dilemma: my fiance's friends are negatively affecting our relationship by forcing him to have a bachelor party (and they're the type of people that would kidnap him out of our house and drag him there against his will.) I believe bachelor parties involving strippers at private clubs/houses are disrespectful to the future wife and have voice my worries about STDs and unfaithfulness...actually, I just just find it rude to look at naked women in a sexual manner that aren't your wife. I'm okay with admitting that I'd get so irritated, jealous & insecure that it would cause a huge problem. And he respects my belief enough that its no problem, he won't have one, but his friend's...well, as I said, they're people without any morals. Anyway, it's incredibly rude of them to insult me this way when my fiancee & I would be fine having bachelor(ette) parties without strippers, but they keep insisting and I know they'll do it anyway. WHAT do I do??? I don't want to have to tell my fiancee his friends and brother are complete scumbags but I don't think he has enough courage to stand up to them.

Simply Fated · March 2010

If you are worried they will break into your house and drag your fiance out against his will... then perhaps you should invest in some locks for your doors?

I'm glad you admit you are insecure and that is why don't want your fiance to go to a strip club. However, if you think your husband is going to cheat on you and get an std, you might want to re-evaluate your relationship and work out your trust issues with him.

I just have a feeling this goes way beyond strip clubs. A person is more likely to cheat on their significant other with a co-worker than a stripper. You can't keep him from going to work, so I would definitely work on your insecurity issues.

Unless his friends handcuff him to his seat, your fiance has the choice to walk out of the room when the stripper comes in. He can leave... walk out of the house... call you to come pick him up... If he respects your wishes, he won't be seeing any strippers. So there should be nothing to worry about, right?

iheartjsb · March 2010

Simply Fated, you misunderstand, but its okay. I trust him in that he won't cheat on me. I was worried he'd get an STD some other way...let's say for argument's sake she touches herself down there and then touches his mouth, something like that. It's probably ridiculous, but I worry even when we're at a party and I warn him not to drink from his friend's glass. That is just one reason I don't want him to be in contact with strippers, and beside the point.
As for his friends taking him suddenly, it could be any time. We think they'll trick him into going to the bar and take him to a private clubhouse instead. Of course you're right, he always has the choice to leave, if they don't literally tie him down. I guess I just didn't consider that? The concern was more about his friends doing something so rude like that. My concern was over their disrespect of me, of us as a couple.
I don't need to reevaluate my relationship (considering my fiancee and I are on the same page and respect and trust each other) but I hoped someone could tell me how to handle his friends. So let me re-explain.
Every time we are with his friends they bring up the bachelor party. My fiancee says he doesn't want one. I say I'd like for them to find something else to do that is still fun. They say, and I quote, "We're going to have one whether you two like it or not." And besides telling them to stick it where the sun doesn't shine, we can't figure out how to make them understand that no means NO. So my question is, how do my fiancee and I handle how disrespectful his friends are being?

caseylynne21 · March 2010

okay so obviously they really want to throw him some sort of party maybe suggest to him that he make an efforti to get involved instead of just saying he doesnt want one...they could just have a simple nice boys night or something like concert or sporting event...have him explain that he has no desire for strippers but there are plently of other alternatives to strippers

Simply Fated · March 2010

In Response to Re: Friends Controlling the Bachelor Party:
Simply Fated, you misunderstand, but its okay. I trust him in that he won't cheat on me. I was worried he'd get an STD some other way...let's say for argument's sake she touches herself down there and then touches his mouth, something like that.

How did I misunderstand you? Cheating comes in many forms... why would she ever touch his mouth?

It's probably ridiculous, but I worry even when we're at a party and I warn him not to drink from his friend's glass. That is just one reason I don't want him to be in contact with strippers, and beside the point.
You think he's ging to get an std from his friends' glasses? I would be way more concerned about mono or the flu. That is so much more likely to happen.

As for his friends taking him suddenly, it could be any time. We think they'll trick him into going to the bar and take him to a private clubhouse instead.
So he can just not hang out with them alone ever again?

Of course you're right, he always has the choice to leave, if they don't literally tie him down. I guess I just didn't consider that?
You really never considered he would follow through with your wish for him to not see a stripper? Hun, if you trust him, then you need to have more faith in him.

The concern was more about his friends doing something so rude like that. My concern was over their disrespect of me, of us as a couple. I don't need to reevaluate my relationship (considering my fiancee and I are on the same page and respect and trust each other) but I hoped someone could tell me how to handle his friends. So let me re-explain. Every time we are with his friends they bring up the bachelor party. My fiancee says he doesn't want one. I say I'd like for them to find something else to do that is still fun. They say, and I quote, "We're going to have one whether you two like it or not." And besides telling them to stick it where the sun doesn't shine, we can't figure out how to make them understand that no means NO. So my question is, how do my fiancee and I handle how disrespectful his friends are being?
Posted by iheartjsb
He can just not go to the bachlor party. Like I said, and you agreed.. if can only leave. Your only other option is to cut him off from seeing his friends until the wedding is over. And even then, they can pull a surpise post-wedding bash.

Honestly, you want to know what to do about it and you have two options. One is for him to never hang out with his friends ever again. The second option is to trust him to make the right decision. You can't reason with a pack of men.

If you want an answer like, "calmly discuss with these fine, young men, how disresctful they're being until they see reason," then, fine, I'll lie to you. But I don't want to lie to you. I want to be straight up honest with you...
You can't change a man. Even if you guys manage to avoid strippers for the bachlor party, he is still going to be friends with them after the wedding. This is going to be an ongoing battle for the rest of you marriage. Is this really a battle you want to fight? I really and honestly feel that you need to have faith that your fiance will be good enough to you, to take himself out of the situation. He can always walk out of the strip club. He can always stand up from the chair. You cannot stop a bunch of men from doing what they want to do, though. You don't have the authority to stop other men from going to strip clubs, but you can have faith that your fiance won't articipate in the festivities.

SarahPLiz · March 2010

YOu need to have faith in him that he will extract himself from a situation he doesn't want to be in. He is presumably an adult. If it detests him so much, you have to assume that he will either leave the party of his own free will OR he will have fun watching his friends with the strippers and leave them alone.

Your fiance needs to be firm with his friends and tell them he doesn't want to do that. It needs to come from him, without you in the background. If you say anything to them, then your FI becomes a whiny baby who needs his fiancee to protect him from himself.

You also need to get some therapy for your paranoia. That is not healthy at all in a relationship, and guys tend to tire of it pretty easily. If they go to a strip club, just tell youf FI to keep his mouth shut. If he's drinking, then there's no issue, because alcohol kills germs!

AdeleDazeem · March 2010

I agree with everyone else. You and your fiance need to be firm with his friends. But, honestly, the bigger a deal you make out of this issue, the more likely the friends will be to ignore you just to bug you. If your fiance is okay with your feelings on the subject, then he'll leave the party if it makes him uncomfortable.

I also agree that you seem a bit paranoid about life in general. I can sort of, maybe in a far away land, see what you are saying about strippers, but not really. You won't let him drink from another's glass at party? You seem to be concerned about things that have a 0.02% chance of ever happening. That type of anxiety will only exhaust you. Life is too fun to be bound up with those thoughts.

Relax. This guy loves you and wants to marry you. If you are in a committed, trusting relationship, then these concerns should just be background noise to you.

zitiqueen · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_friends-controlling-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7e0cca28-e6da-4712-93f0-6fbe30c0472dPost:20c3e9a0-0406-490f-b58b-ff956aa6bc49">Friends Controlling the Bachelor Party</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a dilemma: my fiance's friends are negatively affecting our relationship by forcing him to have a bachelor party (and they're the type of people that would kidnap him out of our house and drag him there against his will.) I believe bachelor parties involving strippers at private clubs/houses are disrespectful to the future wife and have voice my worries about STDs and unfaithfulness...actually, I just just find it rude to look at naked women in a sexual manner that aren't your wife. I'm okay with admitting that I'd get so irritated, jealous & insecure that it would cause a huge problem. And he respects my belief enough that its no problem, he won't have one, but his friend's...well, as I said, <strong>they're people without any morals.</strong> Anyway, it's incredibly rude of them to insult me this way when my fiancee & I would be fine having bachelor(ette) parties without strippers, but they keep insisting and I know they'll do it anyway. WHAT do I do??? <strong>I don't want to have to tell my fiancee his friends and brother are complete scumbags but I don't think he has enough courage to stand up to them.
</strong>Posted by iheartjsb[/QUOTE]

Why does your husband choose to be friends with people who have no morals? Does he also have no morals?

Oh, never mind, he's a doormat. Good luck with that, and remember, you know what you're signing up for. Once you say "I do" you lose the right to ever complain about his spineless doormat ways ever again. Got it?

BlameCanada · March 2010

Break up with your finance. Obviously he does not care about you.

aerinpegadrak · March 2010

Don't listen to these crazy girls, you can definitely get an STD just from touching a stripper! Even if you touch something they've touched, like a dollar bill or something, you can get their evil stripper diseases.

You can also get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat. If I were you, I'd invest in a bubble. It's much safer that way.

golden1215 · March 2010

I think she's talking mostly about cold sores/herpes from a stripper and friends glasses, which, while far fetched, is a legit concern. I dont even share chapstick with good friends most of the time because HELLO, herpes are FOREVER!

As far as him being a doormat, he may just be a super timid guy. My baby brother is so shy and easy going that he'd be the kind to get sucked into something he didn't want just because he doesnt know how to advocate for himself well enough. Is he a bad person who shouldnt have friends or a fiancee? No, he is just TIMID! Lots of men are, esp around other men. They don't want to be seen as weak. Not saying it's a goof thing, but she shouldnt not love the guy for it.

Advice to iheartjsb is just hope/pray for the best. Like PPs said, you cant reason with his friends and everytime you say you dont want it, its just going to make them want to do it even more!

Would you leave him if he 1) did see a stripper? 2) did get an STD?

If you can honestly say you'd still love and marry him, then its really all worry for nothing.

mepanter · March 2010

Wow.

First of all, your subject line "Friends Controlling the Bachelor Party", seems to say a lot about you. It appears that you don't like anyone but YOU having any sort of say in what he gets to do! You sound very controlling and a little, dare I say, crazy.
You sound like you have some major trust issues if you can't even let him go out with his friends. So what if he goes to a strip club? Don't you trust him?!

I agree with aerinpegadrak, watch out for those toilet seats! You might catch pregnancy!

skippylouwho · March 2010

I can't imagine how locked up your kids will be.... they might catch a cold from looking out a window at another child with a cold.......

iheartjsb · March 2010

Wow. Mean. I hope you’re all not this mean to everyone. Your fiancées might leave you because your…well, I suppose I can’t say this word here.

Golden1215, & caseylynne21, thank you for what I think is the perfect response. All I asked for was advice on how to politely address his friends insulting me & us together. They are undermining what we want as a couple. WE, not just ME. He is just timid, and herpes is a legit concern. He has known his friends since childhood. All of them grew up in an extremely poor, drug-filled neighborhood with no parental discipline, and my FI is the only one out of his group of friends that learned from that experience and turned into a much better person. But he hasn’t met any other really good friends, and they’ve been there for him. They’re not stand-up people, but it isn’t my right to tell him to find better people to be friends with. My concern over the herpes or whatever isn’t crazy, it is only precautionary. It isn’t like it’s the only thing I can think about, I’d just like to avoid it. He goes out all the time, does pretty much whatever he wants, and I don’t try to control everything. My only concern was no strippers and mainly because in my beliefs it is disrespectful. Of course everyone has a different opinion, but this is mine, and my FI agrees. Still, NOT what I asked for advice on. If he did tell me he wasn’t going to see a stripper and then lied, I wouldn’t leave him, but it would need some serious talking about.

Simply Fated, strippers touch. Sometimes after touching themselves. Period. And yes I think he’d catch something drinking from his friends glass because his friend does have something. I’m not asking him to not see his friends, I want his friends to respect us and leave it alone. My dad didn’t want a bachelor party but his friends were planning to throw one anyone, and he forced them not to. They were good people and listened to him, so it can be done. Again you’re right, he can just not go or leave – so why keep pressing on this issue? I don’t want it to be an ongoing battle with his friends which is WHY I asked for advice. Advice on his friends. Not on our relationship.

jennyp08 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_friends-controlling-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7e0cca28-e6da-4712-93f0-6fbe30c0472dPost:afe209a8-a72c-4960-bd1c-83ee0a4a0305">Re: Friends Controlling the Bachelor Party</a>:
[QUOTE]All I asked for was advice on how to politely address his friends insulting me & us together. They are undermining what we want as a couple. WE, not just ME. He is just timid, and herpes is a legit concern. He has known his friends since childhood. All of them grew up in an extremely poor, drug-filled neighborhood with no parental discipline, and my FI is the only one out of his group of friends that learned from that experience and turned into a much better person. . . I don’t want it to be an ongoing battle with his friends which is WHY I asked for advice. Advice on his friends. Not on our relationship.
Posted by iheartjsb[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This isn't your battle. It is your FI's job to establish what he's ok with, and make sure his friends follow through. Personally, I'd be annoyed with HIM if he told you one thing, but then didn't make sure his friends followed through with it. I'd take that to mean one of two things: 1) either he really wanted a party, and was using his friends as an excuse, or 2) his friends walk all over him</div><div>
</div><div>You said he's timid. Does he stand up to you? It actually sounds like he wants a party, his friends know that he does, and so they have this ridiculous "kidnapping" planned so that they get blamed for it, not him. </div><div>
</div><div>Is anyone else having flashbacks to "The Hangover?" and the couple where the guy is saying the boys are in Napa doing a wine tasting?? lol</div><div>
</div><div>If you trust your FI, then just relax. If he's "kidnapped" he can walk away. If he doesn't, then it just means he wants to be there, and he lied to appease you.

</div>

SarahPLiz · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_friends-controlling-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7e0cca28-e6da-4712-93f0-6fbe30c0472dPost:afe209a8-a72c-4960-bd1c-83ee0a4a0305">Re: Friends Controlling the Bachelor Party</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. Mean. I hope you’re all not this mean to everyone. Your fiancées might leave you because your…well, I suppose I can’t say this word here. Golden1215, & caseylynne21, thank you for what I think is the perfect response. All I asked for was advice on how to politely address his friends insulting me & us together. They are undermining what we want as a couple. WE, not just ME. He is just timid, and herpes is a legit concern. He has known his friends since childhood. All of them grew up in an extremely poor, drug-filled neighborhood with no parental discipline, and my FI is the only one out of his group of friends that learned from that experience and turned into a much better person. But he hasn’t met any other really good friends, and they’ve been there for him. They’re not stand-up people, but it isn’t my right to tell him to find better people to be friends with. My concern over the herpes or whatever isn’t crazy, it is only precautionary. It isn’t like it’s the only thing I can think about, I’d just like to avoid it. He goes out all the time, does pretty much whatever he wants, and I don’t try to control everything. My only concern was no strippers and mainly because in my beliefs it is disrespectful. Of course everyone has a different opinion, but this is mine, and my FI agrees. Still, NOT what I asked for advice on. If he did tell me he wasn’t going to see a stripper and then lied, I wouldn’t leave him, but it would need some serious talking about. Simply Fated, strippers touch. Sometimes after touching themselves. Period. And yes I think he’d catch something drinking from his friends glass because his friend does have something. I’m not asking him to not see his friends, I want his friends to respect us and leave it alone. My dad didn’t want a bachelor party but his friends were planning to throw one anyone, and he forced them not to. They were good people and listened to him, so it can be done. Again you’re right, he can just not go or leave – so why keep pressing on this issue? I don’t want it to be an ongoing battle with his friends which is WHY I asked for advice. Advice on his friends. Not on our relationship.
Posted by iheartjsb[/QUOTE]

There are riskier (and more fun) ways to contract herpes than having a stripper touch your lips. And shame on you for thinking that all strippers are disease ridden. Anyone can have an STD. Seriously. I have one that I got from a 6-year monogamous (at least on my part) relationship. My best friend got one in HS from IV drug use, but you wouldn't know it to look at her today. Another friend has one that she also got while in a relationship. People all around you have germs. Your paranoia about strippers having more STDs per capita than the rest of the population is so totally unfounded. In fact, sex workers are often the most vigilant about getting tested. And just because they are strippers doesn't mean they sleep around.

BTW, my dentist is dating a stripper and I have no problem with him touching the inside of my mouth. But I guess its okay because I'm already contaminated.

In any case, this is not your fight. Its your FI's. If he truly doesn't want to do this then HE needs to tell them that and stick to it. The bachelor and bachelorette parties are not about WE.

FWIW, my Fiance agrees with me that you are being paranoid, and that is not an attractive trait. So while you may feel sorry for him, he feels sorry for your FI.

LMKINSER · March 2010

My fiancee has two brother in laws, both of which are in the military coming home from Afganastan who are throwing him his bachelor party. They wanted to go to a strip club, My Fiancee Did not want to do it at all. He simple grew a set and stood up to these guys and said that is not what I want. They said Oh ok and what do you want? They are now going to a Red Sox game and taking in the local Bars. I was ok with what ever his choice was, I trust him and no that he would go out of his way to show our relationship respect. If he doesn't want to do something then he should tell them.

iheartjsb · March 2010

SarahPLiz, you’re absolutely right. That’s why I was concerned about him drinking from others glasses, not just stripper issues. But the strip clubs around here are known for being dirty in many more ways than one, more so than typical. If we were somewhere else I wouldn’t have as big of a problem with it. Actually, I may not have said before that they plan to have a private party in a clubhouse…not a strip club.

Jennyp08, thanks so much, you made me think about this in a new way. Lying to make me happy is a possibility, and I don’t want him to have to do that. But his friends do walk all over him when it comes to peer pressure. If he really wants one we can work things out in our own way.

Lmkinser, you’re lucky to have a man that respects you and your relationship like that and I hope my man can get some courage to handle this situation. It sounds like your fiancée picked a great alternative, and it also sounds like your brothers are mature and respectful. Maybe me, my fiancée, and his friends, can all grow up a little before the wedding.

BlameCanada · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_friends-controlling-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7e0cca28-e6da-4712-93f0-6fbe30c0472dPost:804691f6-71fe-4319-acf9-eee253f55e26">Re: Friends Controlling the Bachelor Party</a>:
[QUOTE] Maybe me, my fiancée, and his friends, can all grow up a little before the wedding.
Posted by iheartjsb[/QUOTE]

I hope so.

Blueyed228 · March 2010

I'm coming into this a little late but OP can I ask how old you are?

If you dont trust each other, then don't get married. Plain and simple. Its just a strip club. Its not like they are going to take him to the Bunny Ranch.

Im not a fan of strip clubs either, but I have been to them, and really, its no big deal. My FI and his friends go once in while for bachelor parties or when they go to Vegas and I could care less.

If you keep putting limits and restrictions on him he is going to get sick of it real fast. If I told my 34 year old FI what he could and could not do there would be huge problems. Same if he did that to me. Strippers want their money, not them.

You are just coming off very insecure. So what if he goes to a club, a strip club, or wherever. You get to marry him and have him for the rest of your life. Give the kid a break and stop creating problems with his friends. It very emasculating and his friends are going to end up not liking you.

And FWIW, the whole idea of your man getting the hiv from a strippers finger made me snort my coffee.

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