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FMIL & Invitations (a vent)

Rainy765Rainy765
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
This is venting, but I don't know where else to do this at since my FMIL & FSIL read everything I write every where else.

I want in to my FIL's house last night as they are preparing for a get together; I find my FSIL with the mock invitation I brought over a couple months ago and forgot. (every time I asked about it no one knew where it was).  I asked for it back since I don't trust them to not show it to everyone who comes over.

As I am putting it away, my FMIL attacks me with: "Are you going to put my husband's and mine names on them?"  I immediately am put on the defense and replied with, "No." She snaps back with: Why NOT!? I explain because my parents are hosting and paying for a majority of the wedding.

FMIL & FSIL both start snapping back at how they have never seen an invitation with out both parents names and they're families are going to be so offended...blah blah blah.

She has not lifted a finger for the wedding besides buying my FSIL's MOH dress and giving her opinion on everything. She has complained multiple times about paying for the rehearsal dinner. And even tried to hire a caterer behind my back (with my parent's money of course).  This family is from a tiny little town in the back woods so I understand proper etiquette is lost on her but she shouldn't have attacked me. And why should she receive credit for doing nothing?
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Re: FMIL & Invitations (a vent)

  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I would add their names to save the peace, if anything. But, really, the invitations aren't a contest between parents as to who is helping to pay or not.... add their names because, if anything, they are your fiance's parents and they nrought him into the world. Just my opinion, though! :)
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I agree with pp if you can't get it resolved. We didn't put either set of parent's names on the invites bc they aren't paying for it, we are. My parents were pissed, but oh well. I was have always understood it that whoever is hosting the wedding is whos names should be on the invites. My parents aren't lifting a finger either or paying for a penny, so I didn't want them on there.
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  • stargazerlily82479stargazerlily82479 member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We put FI's parents names on there, but not as hosts, it was something like "Mr. and Mrs. Bride's parents' names request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Bride's Name to FI's Name son of Mr. and Mrs. FI's Parents' names". Everyone seemed pleased with that.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    10000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Why do you eve need parent names? I never understood that. we just did the B&G names and no one said a thing about it. But if you insist on having your parents' names, then I think you will have to suck it up and put FI's on there too.

    You said FMIL hasn't lifted a finger, then said she's bitching about paying for the RD. So is she paying or not? If she is, then yes, she is contributing to your wedding so they should be honored too.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    Just put them on there as:

    FI's firstname FIs's last name

    son of

    Mr. and Mrs. I need my name on the invitation shews.
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I find it funny that a simple thing like an invitation can turn a 40+ grown woman into a 3 year old throwing a tantrum. Save yourself the headache and add their names as parents of the groom (other ladies gave you great ideas for the wording). 

    I also got confused by your wording with the RH dinner. Is she help paying for that, is it a joint commitment between your parents and his mom, or did you omit/add word which makes the sentence confusing?
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  • poolkat78poolkat78
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    My FI and I are paying for our entire wedding ourselves. We are not introducing each parent (my parents are divorced)
    We are saying " C and G along with their parents request...."

    Seems to be working for us - maybe that's an idea?

    Good luck!

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    After fi's name, add:
    son of Mary and John Jones
    This is not worth arguing about.

                       
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I'm always in favor of saving the peace. Don't add them as co-hosts but put their name on it as parents of the groom. you will have to deal with these people for years to come and this sounds like something they will hold a grudge over. Its really not that big of a deal, though I do understand that its very irritating.


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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think you're being petty.  These are the people who raised the man you love enough to pledge the rest of your life to?  And you don't want to put their names on a flippin' invitation?

    The idea of invitations=who's paying is so very outdated.  I'd most certainly put their names on the invitation.  If you won't, then put "Together with their parents" above your name.

    FWIW:  I would have been very disappointed in my DD if she had been so disrespectful to her IL's.  But she wasn't.  Perhaps that why she has a good relationship with her MIL.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    BTW:  Your poll says it all.  Question #2  "It is, after all YOU".  Last I checked, it's your FIs wedding too.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • stephweinsteinstephweinstein
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-invitations-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:becb3875-c6b1-4ffe-8d1f-88572f113f49Post:6de168e2-06f6-4ece-baee-ae76f2e4ce72">Re: FMIL & Invitations (a vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]After fi's name, add: son of Mary and John Jones This is not worth arguing about.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm with Maire Poppy... It's respectful! Plus it helps people know who is getting married.  There may be some friends of the groom's parents there who wouldn't know who was getting married if there were no parents names on it.  I understand that you may say we don't want them at the wedding if they don't know us, but, your in-laws do - so you're gonna have to deal.  I'm sorry your FSIL and FMIL and such horrors.  Good luck.</div>
    BabyFruit Ticker If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think. Even if we're apart i'll always be with you. - A.A. Milne
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  • jeanna85jeanna85 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My parents are paying for almost our entire wedding, but when we make our invites we are writing
    Joe ________
    son of Mr and Mrs. ____ _______

    I wouldn't consider leaving their names off, I think that's kind of rude.
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-invitations-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:becb3875-c6b1-4ffe-8d1f-88572f113f49Post:02c9ca1b-1833-43dd-b408-d5fe40ad97ca">FMIL & Invitations (a vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is venting, but I don't know where else to do this at since my FMIL & FSIL read everything I write every where else. I want in to my FIL's house last night as they are preparing for a get together; I find my FSIL with the mock invitation I brought over a couple months ago and forgot. (every time I asked about it no one knew where it was).  I asked for it back since I don't trust them to not show it to everyone who comes over. As I am putting it away, my FMIL attacks me with: "Are you going to put my husband's and mine names on them?"  I immediately am put on the defense and replied with, "No." She snaps back with: Why NOT!? I explain because my parents are hosting and paying for a majority of the wedding. FMIL & FSIL both start snapping back at how they have never seen an invitation with out both parents names and they're families are going to be so offended...blah blah blah. She has not lifted a finger for the wedding besides buying my FSIL's MOH dress and giving her opinion on everything. She has complained multiple times about paying for the rehearsal dinner. And even tried to hire a caterer behind my back (with my parent's money of course).  This family is from a tiny little town in the back woods so I understand proper etiquette is lost on her but she shouldn't have attacked me. And why should she receive credit for doing nothing?
    Posted by Rainy765[/QUOTE]

    JIC
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
    Report Reply
  • LisaLPharmDLisaLPharmD member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My parents are paying as well, and I think if I put my fiance's parents' names on there, my mom might have a heart attack! haha
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  • Rainy765Rainy765
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for all the input! I'm sorry some of you think I'm being petty or disrespectful. Before this I have had nothing but a wonderful relationship w/my FI.  However, I had never, in all the weddings I have been to, seen both parents on the invitation so it never crossed my mind (my FH even approved of the wording). My problem was more the way that it was approached. Once this was brought to my attention I decided I would put "son of" on the invitations but before I could convey this to anyone I was "demanded" to put their names on the invitation. My mother even tried to call and smooth things over; which ended with the same results mine did, demanding that their name is on the invitation and degrading my family for being able to pay for the wedding. When I said that the other night it was because I was taken off guard, it is in no way about the money. My parents names are on the invitation because they are the ones hosting-giving me away and wanting the rest to celebrate with us.  I don't believe I am being the petty one, FI are being competitive on who gets the most credit for the wedding.  One of their complaint about not being on the invitation is that it gives the illusion that they are no longer going to be a part of their sons life or going to be in the wedding.

    As for the poll, I didn't mean for it to say "YOU" I was trying to put "YOURS (and his) wedding" but it cut me off.
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  • Pirata13Pirata13
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Simply add "Son of Mr. & Mrs. _____" after his name as a PP said.  FI's parents are not really able to contribute, but I wanted their names on there.  And he has stepparents too, so we have "Son of Fi's mom & stepdad and Fi's dad & stepmom".  I should add that my parents are paying for most of it, so ours is set as "Mr & Mrs Pirata invite you...daugter Pirata to FI, son of .....". 

    Do it and keep the peace, it's only one line.
    Crosswalk
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  • tommyandytommyandy member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Send FI by himself to hang out with his family a few times over the next month or so.  Visit them first on Mother's Day & Father's Day.  This way they get to be first & you have an excuse to leave.  Say something along the lines of - 'We wanted to see you first today because you mean so much to us'.  Few things get under the skin of a rude person like being super friendly & kind towards them. 
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  • catemegcatemeg
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    For us, we're doing

    Love of My Life
    &
    My Name
    Together With Their Families
    Invite You to Join Them...


    See, all families are on there, and no one can complain they're getting higher billing!

    I get how people used to invite people to their child's weddings, but most of us getting married these days are adults and independent.  Our parents contributions aren't typically how they used to be - the bride's parents paying for everything, and thus controlling the wedding.  Thus in my opinion, the days of parents 'hosting' the wedding have passed - I'd rather me and my future husband be the ones doing the inviting!
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  • 526SadieSadie526SadieSadie
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    There's nothing wrong with

    MR & MRS YOUR PARENTS
    INVITE YOU TO WITNESS THE MARRIAGE OF THEIR DAUGHTER:
    RAINY765
    TO
    MR. YOUR FIANCE'S NAME
    SON OF MR & MRS FUTURE IN LAWS

    their names are on the invite and your parents are still listed as the hosts.
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  • californiadreamin07californiadreamin07
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I have to confess, I had the same thought as the OP- i had never seen any invites with names other than the bride's parents, so that's what I got printed.  My FI said the same thing, and it wasn't until people received our wedding invite that some people asked why FILs names weren't on there!  Fortunately, his parents felt the same way, but I can totally empathize with that thought process!
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  • JFH2010JFH2010 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I prefer "together with their families" or just having the invitation come from the B&G. The wedding is to celebrate me & FI's committment, so the invitation is coming from us. 
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  • genepoolperfectgenepoolperfect member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Rainy, I am in the same boat as you. When FI and I were discussing the invites with both sets of parents (seperately) my FMIL pretty much demanded that their names be on the invitations "so my family knows whose son is getting married". Since we were making the invitations ourselves we did something we thought was pretty innovative. We made up 3 sets of invitations, one for OUR guests, without parents names because our guests don't know them anyway (and FI and I are paying for half our wedding). One for my parents guests that say "Mr & Mrs S invite you to the wedding of their daughter M to J" because they're paying for the other half. And the invite for his family's guests say "we invite you to the wedding of M & J son of Mr & Mrs F."  This was approved by the groom and his mother, but come the night after the invitation assembly party we get a call from FMIL SOBBING because her invites were worded differently. Sometimes there's just no making people happy. This is how she has been for everything. She starts crying the instant something doesn't go the way she thinks it should. I've learned this by now, and the best thing to do it just to tune her out.
    Best of Luck!
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  • alewpandaalewpanda member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Neither of our parents are paying much towards the wedding, but mine are definately putting in more.  However, I find it rather disrespectful to leave out parents names on the invite- regardless of who is paying.  It is about the effort they have put into raising you, and the honor that you want to give them one last time as your parents before you commit your lives to each other and start your own family.  Perhaps I just have this attitude in general, though.  I truly feel that, while I am in no way letting anyone tell me how to host the wedding, I am a host and concerned with honoring my guests and my family.  The wedding celebration is not just for yourself....it is for everyone invited to share it.  
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  • hd7694hd7694
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We are paying for the wedding ourselves!  I wanted to put both parents names on the invite so that there was no doubt by anyone who was getting married ( I don't know all of FI extended family).  Here is our wording

    Bride
    &
    Groom
    along with their parents
    Brides mom
    &
    Groom's parents

    It worked out and everyone was happy.  FMIL was very appreciative that their names were included! 

    I have to agree that your FMIL and SIL acted very childish!  Had your FMIL said something to you in a calm, mature manner everything would have been fine.  If I were in your shoes I think that I would have had to say something about talking to me like I was an adult and not a kid who got busted doing something wrong.  Sheesh-some people!
    1st pic of us together. Apparently I thought something was funny.
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    image 232 Made the cut! image 96 Ready to party!
    image 44 Have better things to do!
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  • sara7238sara7238
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    ok, didn't read all the responses, but had to chime in..sorry if someone has already said this.

    I totally understand the issues with placing the names of FI's parents on the invitations, especially if they aren't paying for anything. However, most of the people I know that left their FI's parent's names off the invitations are now regretting it. One of my friends even wanted to make a fake invitation for the scrapbook after the wedding with her H's parent's names b/c her H was so upset about the whole thing.

    The way DH and I did it was to have the typical wording with my parents names as the hosts, requesting your presence at..... for the marriage of (my name) and (DH's name), son of (DH's parent's names).....

    It made them feel special without making us feel like we were bending over backwards. DH really appreciated it and I know it made my in-laws happy.

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