I just discovered this board today, after having posted the thread below on the Chit Chat board. I'm reposting here (please forgive the duplicate if you've read/responded before) to get your perspectives as well. So here goes:
My FI's former wife died unexpectedly 5 years ago and he is (now we are) raising their 15 and 18 yr olds. The former wife's mother, and children's grandmother, is a very sweet person and has been very helpful to him and the kids over the years. She is very supportive of our upcoming marriage and new blended family. She's invited to the wedding - no brainer.
The former wife's sister, and favorite aunt of the 15 yr old, is still grieving pretty badly but still attempts to be enthusiastic about our engagement (sometimes almost to the point of being fake). She keeps making references to the wedding, and we know she expects to be invited.
Here's the problem: The 15 yr old apparently looks a lot like her mother and the aunt is very emotional every time she sees her. Prior to meeting her, the aunt called me to apologize in advance if she had an emotional reaction to seeing her former BIL and me together, because I was his first serious relationship since her sister's death. She did, indeed, cry. Since that time, she usually tries to pull it together, but our time around her still seems awkward. We do not want to invite her because we don't want any grief and reminders of his past heartaches on our wedding day. We just don't know if she will be able to contain herself. We also recognize that there is no way to predict how his kids will feel on the day of, even though they are excited now. We don't want the aunt to fall apart in front of the kids and make them feel sadness they wouldn't have otherwise been reminded of.
To add a twist, the grandmother lives with her other daughter (aunt #2), who is also invited with her husband. I have no idea whether they will be upset about aunt #1 being omitted from the guest list, but FI seems to think they will understand.
FI feels awkward that three of his former IL's are invited and the other is expecting to be included but will not be. She is the type to directly ask why she wasn't invited, so he will be on the hook to provide an answer. It seems kind of narcissistic to say "We didn't think you could handle it" but that's the simple truth.
FI agrees with my concerns and is in full support of not inviting her, he's just worried about the subsequent potential fall-out. We felt confident about not inviting her when the STD's went out, so she didn't get one. Now that it's time to send invitations, we're reconsidering. We don't want to cause trouble between him and his children's family as we'll certainly have to see them at future special occasions for the children. And we are concerned that the 15 yr old will be angry that her favorite aunt was left off.
On the other hand, this issue is always in the background of our lives (which I am not complaining about) in that the children are still dealing with their loss in various ways. Personally, I don't feel like it's too much to ask to take one day for ourselves without having to be reminded in any way (that we can control) of that sad occurrence.
So ..... should we suck it up and invite her for the good of all or stick with our original decision to leave her off?
