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Sticky Situation, long read.

Amandarose531Amandarose531
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in Moms and Maids
Initially we had planned to have our wedding/reception at my FI's Godmothers restaurant. Okay fine, saves on our budget etc.

Then, FMIL decides that we need to have it at an actual place and do it up nicely, okay fair I do like that idea and Godmother will still cater for us.

FMIL decides that for the wedding overall we'll pay X amount, and above and beyond that (his parents) will take care of it (assuming it's reasonable, e.g. not trying to rent out the penthouse or anything)

Anyway, she picked an extravagent place to go look at that can hold both a reception and ceremony perfectly, we went, it was absolutely fantastic so we went ahead and booked it, that was about half of our X amount.

The problem begins, that our "styles" tend to be different, and we have different ideas about what looks good. e.g. I mentioned on two different occasions that I didn't want my bridesmaids to wear all the same style dress and they can get one that flatters their body (that is our color), and today I mentioned that I didn't necessarily want all my centerpieces to be identical, but to coordinate and on both occasions she thinks everything should be the same/pefect/uniform/symetrical - that is 100% the opposite of my personality.

Now, i'm not trying to make it crazy or stupid, but I don't think my "style" is that strange, I see it in theknot all the time - THAT IS WHERE I GOT THE IDEA!

My FI doesn't necessarily have an opinion about anything so his mom and I are planning it together, but when it comes to these two things both times he's told me he thinks his moms idea is better.

Now my concern is that i'm very laid back, i'm not confrontational at all and I understand her son is getting married too, but at what point can I say no, I want to do my idea, without getting run over the whole time, especially since our money situation is a little kooky. She's a little, headstrong? I'm not sure that's the appropriate way to describe her, but I don't want to end up on the naughty list for voicing my opinion about my wedding.

My biggest fear is that i'm just going to cruise through this, and then in 5 years look back coulda-woulda-shoulda about my ideas.
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Re: Sticky Situation, long read.

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    M&R7111M&R7111
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    edited December 2011
    I know that "who pays says", but I don't think this covers BM dresses.  I would say let her have the identical centerpieces, but the dress styles for your girls should be something you discuss with them.  She's not paying for those, is she?
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    lindseyann410lindseyann410 member
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    edited December 2011
    It would probably help if you had a heat-to-heart with her.  Sounds like she's excited and just wants to help, so I think it's a good idea.  And use the sandwich technique (good, not so good, good)!

    First,tell her how much you appreciate all the financial support they are giving you guys. How such a great wedding wouldn't be possible without them, blah, blah, blah.  Then tell her how you really appreciate her ideas....then say "I really want XYZ, could you help me find it?" If she persists with her idea, then ask for a compromise.  Close with how excited you are about this event and getting to know her better in the process.

    Good luck, and I hope this helps! (As a teacher, I know the sandwich technique does work!)

    P.S. I have a lot of aunts and family members who want to help, so I give them all tasks I know they will do great with, and I know won't matter if they went horribly wrong. Ex: My aunt is doing my programs, grandma's growing hydranges, etc.
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    Amandarose531Amandarose531
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    edited December 2011
    I appreciate everyones opinion, though reading back I didn't really make myself clear.

    She isn't paying for everything, she's paying for just around half after I budgeted.

    I'm not trying to sound snarky, and I am very fortunate to have her, my own mom is disabled and unable to afford much (she's covering my cake, which is fantastic) so having a FMIL help is great, I just wondered where I can have an opinion, since we are paying too it's just not clear cut 50/50 on everything.

    Oh well I suppose.
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    lindseyann410lindseyann410 member
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    edited December 2011
    Yes, you do get to have an opinion....I was just trying to come up with a way to nicely get her on your "side" instead of going in her own not-your-style direction without being confrontational.
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    Amandarose531Amandarose531
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    edited December 2011
    Oh, no I love the sandwich method; sorry I didn't include that.

    I'm just kind of "ooomph" about it all. I'm accepting "compromise"
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    saric83saric83 member
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    edited December 2011
    I think you could gracefully handle it two different ways.

    1.  Just sit down and figure out what you can life without being your style, and talk to FMIL about just letting her have her own way on those things.  For example, "FMIL, I'm going to handle designing the centerpieces, coordinating the bridemaids and blah blah.  Would you be interested in deciding upon the bouquets, decorations for the ceremony, picking one of the readings for the ceremony and the wedding cake.  Then hopefully, she'll back down off the things that are most important to you since she'll be happily figuring out "her" things.

    2.  For each of the decisions, come up with mulitple options and let her choose one.  Then they're all still what you could be happy with, but she's still getting an important vote and will feel very included.  If there's something that she bails on all of your options, just nicely say, "well, we'll come back to that one after we figure out x, y and z." 

    But regardless of those things, unless she's specifically paying for the bridesmaid dresses, rule her out of that planning and just don't mention it to her.  Maybe ask for her help picking a color (if you haven't already), and then just let your girls pick their own within that color.  Good luck!
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    Davesgrl2011Davesgrl2011
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    edited December 2011

    I know the popular opinion is "he who pays, says" but this is YOUR wedding, which I am sure you have been planning in the back of your mind for a long time.  I am assuming that your FMIL had a wedding of her own to plan.  My mom is buying my gown, among other things, and she wouldn't dream of telling me what dress to get just because she was buying it.  

    That being said, I know you will have to compromise.  Since she is only paying for part of your wedding, you need to be very clear what those parts are.  You said that your mom was buying the cake.  Does your FMIL expect to be a part of that decision making process?  I hope not!  And the bridesmaids dresses are between you and your bridesmaids, period.  Don't ask for her opinion or share your plans for any part of the wedding that she is not helping with monetarily.  

    As for centerpieces- try compromising with having the same centerpiece (lets say flowers) but have different flowers on each table.  Or design two centerpieces that coordinate and alternate them on the tables. 


    Also- your mom may not be contributing a lot of money but I bet she would love to help you plan.  Tell your FMIL that you want your mom involved- that way you have someone in your corner! 


    Good luck! 

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    hlq2011hlq2011
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    edited December 2011
    Regarding the BM dresses - who pays, says, shouldn't apply.  The girls, I assume, are paying for their own dresses, are they not? 

    Try having your FI talk to her about it.  It's his wedding too, and he should have some say, and if he's on board with your ideas and tells her that, maybe she will back off a little bit too.
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    Amandarose531Amandarose531
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    edited December 2011
    Thanks ladies.

    No FI agrees with his mom generally, he was raised by her afterall and they share the same kind of tastes as far as what looks good and what doesn't. I don't think it's stuffy or anything, it's just really classic/traditional southern - I'm not from the south and I don't care for it, I like more contemporary and sleek/minimal, i'm trying to break my wedding into 2012, not 1983.

    The whole reason this is difficult is because I do appreciate FMILs opinions and help - I WANT her to be involved, because my own mom cannot do a whole lot - I live in Texas with FI, his family stays in the same city as well, but my mom lives in Idaho so, most of our discussion has been over the phone or skype.

    I think i'm going to continue feeling it out and see what becomes of it, i'm prepared to heart-to-heart if I need to.

    Oh and for the bridesmaid dresses - you're totally right about them paying however, I'm having 3 girls, MOH + 2 maids, My MOH is a childhood friend flying here for it so she'll do whatever I want, but the other two - one is FI's sister, and the other is FI's brothers-significant other so, FSIL on both accounts. So, FMIL will be everywhere!
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