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Scared about baby.

RkyMountainRoseRkyMountainRose
100 Comments
in Second Weddings
I don't know where else to post this. I figure you ladies are most likely to understand my feelings. I post things like this here, in a place where I need to feel "safe."

Background:
I am 34 and DH is 39. I have two kids from my previous marriage and my youngest is 10, and I pretty much raised them myself. DH didn't bring any kids into the marriage, but he would like to have one before we get too much older. I am going to be an elementary school teacher, and he is a customer service manager at the airport, usually working a 3-11 shift (except for Sundays, where he works 3 to midnight).

 Since last week, he has worked five days in a row (since Weds), with four more on the horizon before he gets a days off. He just called me to tell me that he will be working 3 to midnight for the fourth day in a row (Fri, Sat, Sun, and now Mon). His normal days off are Friday and Saturday.

I know it sounds selfish, and it kills me to sound like this, but I don't want to raise another baby by myself! I don't want another 18 years of going to school programs, soccer games, and parent teacher conferences alone. I know I need to talk to him about this, but how do I do it without it sounding like an ultimatum? I hate to say "you have to get another job with better hours or we are not having a baby" but that is exactly what I am thinking. Kids deserve to have their father around, and I honestly don't know if I have the energy to do it.

Thanks. And sorry for the length.
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Re: Scared about baby.

  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Will his hours ever change?  Maybe with a promotion or seniority?
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  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You should never apologize for your feelings. They're yours, and it's OK.  You just have to figure out what to DO with them. 

    So, if you don't want to give him an ultimatum, can you state it a bit differently? Such as: Wow, I raised two kids basically by myself, and I really want my next child to get to know you, because you're such a great person. . .  Is there a possibility that your hours will or can change?    I think phrased that way it shows what you want, and doesn't put a wedge in.  There may even be a better way to state it.  But either way, you will have to make a decision at some point.  And I know how difficult this is; my first husband was in the military, and was gone a LOT.  It was probably 10 days a month, and two months during the summer.  And he worked long hours since he was active duty; so he left the house at 4:30 in the morning, and often didn't come home until 7.  Those were some tough years. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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  • RkyMountainRoseRkyMountainRose
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    On the other hand, as long as he keeps working these hours, there won't be enough time to have sex to get pregnant anyway. :-/
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  • lindaloulubbocklindaloulubbock
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think handfast had some great advice.

    I'm also 34, also with two children from my previous marriage...I think that having another baby is SCARIER now than it was back then.  Good luck working through all of it. I know that I bounce around on the issue all of the time...on one hand I'd love to have another baby (or two) with DH, but I can't imagine starting all over again knowing what I know now!
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  • RkyMountainRoseRkyMountainRose
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_scared-baby?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:6e5a9939-6814-4a02-a81f-d94eb9dc16dePost:f2cdcdb6-05f7-4092-814b-269e058da999">Re: Scared about baby.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think handfast had some great advice. I'm also 34, also with two children from my previous marriage...I think that having another baby is SCARIER now than it was back then.  Good luck working through all of it. I know that I bounce around on the issue all of the time...on one hand I'd love to have another baby (or two) with DH, but I can't imagine starting all over again knowing what I know now!
    Posted by lindaloulubbock[/QUOTE]
    Aside from knowing that I only have 8 years of my sentence left (just kidding about it being a "sentence"), and that I would be "starting over," I don't really have that many reservations, once we get this scheduling thing figured out, but that's minor. I never really felt like I was done... I always thought I had one more in me, so to speak.
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  • 2chumps2chumps member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My FI works 2nd shift and many days I feel like a single parent, especially now that they are both in school and I help with all the homework, baths, dinner, etc.  It harder now because I don't feel that the kids get to see him now that that he is at work by the time they get home from school.

    At the same time, it saved us A LOT of money not paying for daycare and he was pretty much a stay at home dad while I worked during the day.  I guess I don't have any suggestions, just that hopefully his schedule will eventually change and ultimately you need to decide what's going to make you happiest... a child with/without your husband.  I would definitely have a baby with my FI if we were able to.  The rewards outweigh the time I'd spend parenting on my own.  Good luck, it's not an easy decision!
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  • RkyMountainRoseRkyMountainRose
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    A couple other things that I forgot to mention in my OP:
    He doesn't get holidays off, unless they fall on his regularly schedued day off, and even then, he often ends up working. We have never/will never spend Thanksgiving together, for example.
    He does not get paid overtime for the extra hours he works, nor does he get paid a shift diff for working the swing shift.
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  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Did you and H discuss any of this (any part of it) after you became engaged?  Has he brought up having kids?  I guess ...  I'm wondering if you're worrying about something that may not be on the horizon; he may not want to have kids either.
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  • ski2playski2play member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I so understand your being scared.  Sit down and speak with him about your fears.  My x stayed home for over 7 years with the kids while I worked days and he worked only Saturdays each week.  A stay at home parent is the best you can give your kids in the early years (and then again in the teen years!).....IMHO.  Maybe by the time the child starts school he can work himself into a different job. 

    Good luck...
    shoes2 image
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  • shytownkellyshytownkelly
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Back in my "early days" when I was still married to my exH, I got 3rd baby fever.

    I wanted another child pretty badly.  Our youngest was 3.5 years old ("Getting too old to cuddle" - name the movie line!) and I was ready.  My exH was not though.  I was traveling for work all the time, and the thought of him having to do diaper duty for another 3 years was not on his agenda.

    Essentially we talked it out and agreed the only way we could have another baby was if I changed jobs to be home more.  I chose my career. 

    If and when your husband starts pushing the issue of having another child - explain that you don't want to do it solo - and therefore you and he need to figure out what compromises need to be made for it to work. 

    Good luck!
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