Met with Pastor and....

Clarustin2011 · February 2012

FI and I met with our pastor last night to discuss the ceremony and to set a date to start pre-marital counseling. I was nervous as to the questions that would be asked but the one that caught me off guard was about living together. FI and I had our house build over this past summer and moved in together in Sept. I should note that we had been engaged before even signing the contract to the house. This was a HUGE step for my FI because he had never moved out of his parents house. He is very close to his family and we only live 4 miles from his parents (mine live 750 miles away).

We were told that we could not live together until after the wedding so FI decided to move (well clothes only) back in with his parents till the wedding. I understand the need for this to happen but just feel like it is a step backwards in our relationship. FI assures me it'll be just like he is living at our house but will leave at bedtime to sleep at his parents. It's important to us and his family that this Pastor marries us. I'm not scared of "living alone" as I did it for 5 years before buying this home.

Am I crazy to feel worried about this? Anyone else have this issue or may run into this? Any advice on dealing with this situation? Do I just need to suck it up and be thankful that even though we aren't sleeping in the same bed, he is only right down the street?

wineo929 · February 2012

This is a tough situation, IMO. Especially going from home owners to living apart again. I think in the end if it's important for this pastor to marry you then it's worth it. It's only 7 more months!

If I were in the situation I wouldn't be able to handle that! FI and I have lived together for almost 2 years and he's like my security blanket haha

Good luck!

[Deleted User] · February 2012

We met with a Pastor last week for the first time and I was so worried that he would ask us about living together too! We had to fill out our information on separate forms and when he got them back he glanced at them and obviously saw that we had the same address but he didn't say anything. I feel relieved bc I think we're in the clear but it still freaks me out.

I cannot imagine having to do what you guys are doing but if it's that important to have that Pastor marry you then it will be worth it in the end. Is your FI open to finding a different Pastor that won't mind if you guys already live together? Each church is different so it's totally possible. If not, then I think this experience will make you guys stronger...September will be here before you know it! :-)

DirtyWater · February 2012

I don't envy you. One of us would have to move out of state! Or we could lie and I'd use our other address.

I think you'll be fine if he really will be just down the street. Who knows, maybe it will be fun. It will be like the early stages of dating again. It does stink after living with him for so long.

mamameech · February 2012

oh wow - I can see how that would difficult, but I don't think you need to worry. If this is an important step for both of you, it's just part of the process and doesn't change anything. In fact, it may even make your union that much more meaningful.

I personally don't believe in those "old" ways, but then again I did have a child our of wedlock as well. I grew up roman catholic so I was definitely a "bad" girl. FI is Lutheran and we will be getting married in his church; we meet with the pastor on Saturday for our first marriage prep. I'm curious to see what he says. He knows us both well and knows we live together; and still agreed to marry us, but maybe there are stipulations he hasn't told us yet. If he required one of us to move out, then we'd have to rethink the wedding venue. Neither of us feel that we "have" to be married in a church, but seeing as FI is much more of a practicing chrisitian than I am, I was fine with having it in his church (my mother not so much :P). There is no way we'd live apart at this point; try explaining that to a 5 year old :P

Katiesue04 · February 2012

That is exactly why we aren't getting married in a church, my fiance and I moved in together before we were engaged, about 3 years ago. I really feel that you need to learn to work things about before deciding on a big step called marriage. I think moving in with someone is the ultimate deciding factor if it will work or not. You need to be able to live together and I didn't want to find that out after I was married. I also don't agree that a single man can sit and talk about walk a relationship is all about and what love is all about. I was raised catholic and could never understand this. Sorry if it is a little overbearing but these are my beliefs.

CowgirlK39 · February 2012

My brother is going thru this issue right now. He lives in Raleigh, NC, and just bought a house with his fiancee. They want to be married in Charleston, SC, and her family really wants them to be married in a church. However, no one will marry them there because they do not belong to a church at all, and it's so heavily frowned upon that they have a home together already. They haven barely gotten any of their wedding plans together because they cannot even find a place to get married. They tried talking his FI's parents into giving up on the church thing, but they won't. At least you have someone who is willing to marry you at all! lol.

Good luck... it sounds like this hurdle is worth the struggle!

adktd2boots · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_meet-with-pastor-and?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:5934834d-36a2-4c45-9744-a7ed8dd61ed8Post:91b54b3b-09c6-48a2-969b-dd05d29ce6f6">Re: Met with Pastor and....</a>:
[QUOTE]That is exactly why we aren't getting married in a church, my fiance and I moved in together before we were engaged, about 3 years ago. <strong> I really feel that you need to learn to work things about before deciding on a big step called marriage. I think moving in with someone is the ultimate deciding factor if it will work or not.</strong> You need to be able to live together and I didn't want to find that out after I was married. I also don't agree that a single man can sit and talk about walk a relationship is all about and what love is all about. I was raised catholic and could never understand this. Sorry if it is a little overbearing but these are my beliefs.
Posted by Katiesue04[/QUOTE]

This! I told myself I wouldn't live with another BF again unless I was married. (had a bf for over 6 years and lived together 5.5) But with FI it was different. The situation fell in to place fairly quickly and I'm glad things worked out the way they did. One of my BMs was supposed to be married last April. She and exFI moved in together in Feb and she started noticing things that weren't good. She never would have known these things if they waited until being married to live together, and would either be divorced already or in an extremely unhappy marriage.

Clarustin2011 · February 2012

The funny thing is.... we aren't getting married in a church. haha. We are getting married in a garden of a museum. FI and I want the pastor of the church we belong to to marry us. He has known that we lived together so it wasn't a surprise to him last night. I'm open to having someone else marry us but FI and family are frowning upon it. How would we explain this to the Pastor. haha. I know we'll get through it and it's not that big of deal.

I completely agree with living with someone before getting married. A lot changes in a relationship when you are living under the same roof. My family feels the same way and were really happy that I was engaged before that happened. I, too, was with someone for 6 years and lived together for 5-1/2 year. I felt it was a waste of time so I was more open to buying a home and moving in after the engagement.

Cowgirl, finding a church to marry in will be hard if you aren't a member in the South. My FMIL wanted a church wedding, whereas I wanted an outdoor wedding. She caved when I said that we were getting married under the Lord's roof of the blue sky. Maybe your brother can try that.

SCogs18 · February 2012

adktd2boots- I'm from Raleigh, too! If they change their mind and want to get married in NC I can give you the name of my minister. He is fine with the fact that FI and I live together.

It never even occurred to me that living together would be an issue and honestly OP, maybe you are a better person than me because I would be finding another minister. FI and I have lived together since Sept 2010 (before we got engaged, we are such sinners) and I am not interested in living apart...and paying separate rent. You're a better woman than me for putting up with it, but I don't think it will hurt or set back your relationship as long as he truly does spend all his other time at your home together. The occasional sleep over won't kill you either

celticmyss · February 2012

This doesn't make any sense to me. I by no means expect other people to share my beliefs but if i am a grown woman who has been living with FH for years, which I am, no one is going to tell me where to live. It seems a like to little too late. Because honestly, all it means is they don't want you to have sex. And either you've already had sex or you weren't having sex despite living together and I really doubt that would change before the wedding.

You have to do what is right for you and your FI. If this goes along with your beliefs and means a lot to you than go for it. But I surely wouldn't do it to please someone else.

Clarustin2011 · February 2012

[QUOTE]Because honestly, all it means is they don't want you to have sex. And either you've already had sex or you weren't having sex despite living together and I really doubt that would change before the wedding.
Posted by celticmyss[/QUOTE]

Sex has already been done. The thing I was worried about was the sex questions which was not brought up at all. Just the living together. I'm seriously considering having a sit down with the FILs about this and suggesting find someone else to marry us.

Starfish0116 · February 2012

That would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I feel like the person marrying me should be someone who accepts me and my relationship. If they don't support how I'm currently living me, how is it acceptable that they marry me?

I absolutely would not have my FI move out of the home we own together, just so the preacher would marry us. I find that so ridiculous, and you are a better woman than me.

I can understand how your FIL's could be upset with not having that pastor marry you, but clearly they are okay with you living together? I would ask your FIL's point blank if they would have moved out of living with each other in order to get married?

I know there are just some hills you don't want to die on, but this isn't like letting them win on what kind of linens you use - this is a big deal.

How would your pastor even know if you were living together? Is he going to do a drive by of your house? If it's that big of a deal I'd tell him FI is living with parents, but in no way would I actually expect him to leave at night. What difference does it make if you have sex and then he leaves?

celticmyss · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_meet-with-pastor-and?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:5934834d-36a2-4c45-9744-a7ed8dd61ed8Post:13ed463b-b0f2-4285-92c9-98e7fe176296">Re: Met with Pastor and....</a>:
[QUOTE] What difference does it make if you have sex and then he leaves?
Posted by Starfish0116[/QUOTE]

<div>Pfft everyone knows sex only happens in bed, at night, with the lights off. If he is sleeping somewhere else it will totally prevent sex from happening! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /></div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

AshnRobo · February 2012

I honestly would lie or find another pastor.

That really is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of.

mcmeghan311 · February 2012

Honestly, there is not a chance that FI would be staying at his parents' place when we have a mortgage that he's putting money towards and not njoying for the rest of the year. No way.

I would personally want to find somebody else because I'd be offended that the pastor previously knew about the arrangement but openly refused to marry you. However, I can also see the emotional reasoning behind having an officient who personally knows you. My friend's wedding was so beautiful because the minister kept talking about her from a child growing into a woman etc, and that just can't be matched with a stranger. Having said that, I'd lie. Living with my FI in our home would be exponentially more important to me than a pastor's opinion. That's just me though.

Sorry you're going through this.

beckyboo27 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_meet-with-pastor-and?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:5934834d-36a2-4c45-9744-a7ed8dd61ed8Post:91b54b3b-09c6-48a2-969b-dd05d29ce6f6">Re: Met with Pastor and....</a>:
[QUOTE]That is exactly why we aren't getting married in a church, my fiance and I moved in together before we were engaged, about 3 years ago. I really feel that you need to learn to work things about before deciding on a big step called marriage. I think moving in with someone is the ultimate deciding factor if it will work or not. You need to be able to live together and I didn't want to find that out after I was married. I also don't agree that a single man can sit and talk about walk a relationship is all about and what love is all about. I was raised catholic and could never understand this. Sorry if it is a little overbearing but these are my beliefs.
Posted by Katiesue04[/QUOTE]

<div>Bingo. This is why FI and I didn't go with a "religious" wedding. We're not getting married in a church and we just got a regular JOP. Neither of us are religious, nor do we attend church. I was raised Lutheran, but I don't really practice it anymore.</div>

mamameech · February 2012

I think it might be good to remember that some members on this board may have religious beliefs which approve this type of request and that it's important to be respectful of that.

I know that FI's mother was dead set against us living together at first and even told FI that we'd have to ask the pastor to re-enter the church if we did. I was very insulted and upset but as long as FI shared my views, that's all that really mattered. Religious "rules" and such work for some and not for others; to each their own.

[Deleted User] · February 2012

Whatever you decide I definitely wouldn't lie about it! Maybe talk to the Pastor and see if he would be ok with you two living together if you abstained until the wedding? Not sure how realistic that is but it's worth a shot.

beckyboo27 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_meet-with-pastor-and?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:5934834d-36a2-4c45-9744-a7ed8dd61ed8Post:f23f8b0e-3905-4f4d-ab3d-e8b3c3e93263">Re: Met with Pastor and....</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it might be good to remember that some members on this board may have religious beliefs which approve this type of request and that it's important to be respectful of that.
Posted by mamameech[/QUOTE]

<div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">I apologize if what I said offended anyone. I meant no disrespect. I respect everyone's religious and spiritual values. </div></div>

Clarustin2011 · February 2012

I was not offended at all. I understand everyone has their own views.

I was not raised in the church (any church at all) but FI was. I became a member of his church. His mom is religious and was against us living together until we were engaged. We granted that request for her.

I can understand the Pastor's request as how will it look to the members of the church if he marries a couple already living together as "Husband and Wife". I understand it, but still don't like it. lol

ekk120 · February 2012

I totally admire your attitude through this! It sounds like you're trying to stay positive and make the most of what seems like a not-so-fun experience. I think that you have to sit down and have a talk with your FI to decide what's more important to both of you -- having this particular pastor, or living with eachother before the wedding (again). I respect the beliefs of you and your FI, and I recognize that pastors can have a big impact on a persons life. Your FI may have grown up his whole life wanting this particular person that he looks up to to marry him (maybe he doesnt find it that important -- but its just a for instance).

I think what you are thinking is right -- it may be time to sit down and have a talk with your FI and get to the root of whats important to both of you. If you find that you'd rather live together, then have the discussion with your FILs. Good luck with everything!!

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