Frustrated at BM

t_siemens · January 2010

\never mind - it's tough to explain the entire history too.

banana468 · January 2010

Is the only issue that HER dress doesn't fit?

She's probably rather nervous if she's a first time mother so she waited until she was comfortable telling you. Unfortunately for both of you, she put on more baby weight than you both anticipated.

Instead of getting upset since she's probably feeling a bit guilty, why not go looking for a maternity dress just for her?

mbcdefg · January 2010

Even with you making the dresses, she doesn't owe you an explanation as to when she gets pregnant. A lot of people don't tell anyone before their first trimester is over, because it must be VERY painful to have to go back and tell those people if the pregnancy ends for whatever reason.

I see why you're upset and I don't blame you for being a little peeved, but look at it from her point of view.

Just ask her to buy a dress from a department store that's close to your dress color. Or ask her to buy a black dress )or another neutral color - brown, champagne, silver, etc.) and then make her a sash out of the dress fabric so she's tied in to the wedding colors. Nobody will notice or care that she's in something different. And if they ARE rude enough to comment on it, then the BM can joyfully explain that she's pregnant and needed a different dress.

With three weeks left, it's not worth getting upset over this. The most important thing is that your friend is standing up with you on your wedding day. Whether it's in the same gown as the other BMs, an off-the-rack dress or a potato sack.

Mrs.B6302007 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_frustrated-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:87b41b6a-220c-4f61-992f-e41c4168dc03Post:22074272-8916-4c06-85e8-fac2a9a41ec5">Frustrated at BM</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, my wedding is three weeks away and I'm dealing with a BM who is pregnant. I'm super happy for her. Here's the thing. I know that this was planned and because I'm making their dresses from scratch I asked that she tell me as soon as possible. I even put off cutting out her dress (and added a couple of inches), just in case. So I cut out the dress at the beginning of November, not knowing she's expecting. She told me she was past her first trimester in the middle of December. She was re-measured, she's more than six inches bigger. Not so easy to adjust. I understand the reason for not sharing the news, but we've been best friends for over 20 years and have shared a lot. I'm super disappointed and frustrated that she didn't share the news with me earlier. I don't have enough material to cut a new dress, and I'm not sre how to make the adjustments. I'm frustrated and super disappointed. So now with three weeks left, my other option is to buy dresses. However, she's never available and will actually be out of town for a week before the wedding. Granted I haven't shared my feelings with here, I'm just very frustrated. Ughhh! what to do?
Posted by t_siemens@hotmail.com[/QUOTE]
Just go with her to buy a maternity dress off the rack. Having had a miscarriage, I can appreciate why she didn't tell you right away regardless of how long you've been friends. The possibilities of having miscarriages greatly decrease at the 2nd trimester and for some people, that's when then feel "safe" to tell. Pregnancy is also a very personal matter so you can't really blame her for keeping it close to her chest.

banana468 · January 2010

Mrs. B, that's what my pregnant BM did as well. She didn't tell me until she was out of her first trimester although I did know that she and the hubby were "trying" so a larger dress was purchased just in case.

I also found out years later that she'd had an early miscarriage prior to that pregnancy. I can only imagine what she was going through in terms of her overall nerves on the subject. My wedding needed to be the farthest thing from her mind.

Mrs.B6302007 · January 2010

[QUOTE]My wedding needed to be the farthest thing from her mind.[/QUOTE]

Exactly!

bablingbrooke · January 2010

Most couples wait until they get past the first trimester to tell others, including parents, siblings, and friends. My SIL didn't tell us about her first pregnancy until after the first trimester, and when DH and I start having children we will do the same.

Just have her go find a maternity dress off the rack in the right color. No one will care that her dress is different, and since she's pregnant most people will understand. You won't be judged, your photos won't be ruined. My mom was in a wedding while 8 months pregnant with me in a dress that only remotely matched the other BMs; I seriously doubt that now, 25 years later, the bride is upset about the one non-matching dress. I bet she's happy my mom stood up through a full Catholic ceremony while as big as a house. And I bet you'll feel the same.

This is one of those things that seems like a problem now but really isn't one. Don't go looking for things to stress out about; plenty of other things will present themselves in due course.

tidetravel · January 2010

If you're at all upset about this, then you don't "understand" why she waited to tell you and everyone else. Also, just because the pregnancy was "planned" doesn't mean that she knew when she would conceive. It's not like you stick the egg in the microwave and set a timer.

I suspect you are more upset that she didn't tell you sooner in relation to your wedding, than you are hurt that she didn't tell you sooner because you've been "friends for 20 years." Get over yourself, and see past your wedding for a moment.

Your friend of 20 years is pregnant, snd it appears to be a healthy pregnancy. Be happy for her. The dress isn't a big deal, at all, unless you make it one.

In addition to all of the other suggestions, you can add 6 inches to her original dress fairly easily by putting in a corset back.

banana468 · January 2010

Oh Tide I just love that photo of you and the little one!! Congratulations new mommy!!

tidetravel · January 2010

Thank you Banana! I've got more baby pics in my bio if you haven't seen and you're interested

banana468 · January 2010

What a beautiful baby!!! I love the photo where she looks like she's almost flirting with a wink and a smile. :-)

lovemygrandkids · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_frustrated-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:87b41b6a-220c-4f61-992f-e41c4168dc03Post:22074272-8916-4c06-85e8-fac2a9a41ec5">Frustrated at BM</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, my wedding is three weeks away and I'm dealing with a BM who is pregnant. I'm super happy for her. Here's the thing. I know that this was planned and because I'm making their dresses from scratch I asked that she tell me as soon as possible. I even put off cutting out her dress (and added a couple of inches), just in case. So I cut out the dress at the beginning of November, not knowing she's expecting. She told me she was past her first trimester in the middle of December. She was re-measured, she's more than six inches bigger. Not so easy to adjust. I understand the reason for not sharing the news, but we've been best friends for over 20 years and have shared a lot. I'm super disappointed and frustrated that she didn't share the news with me earlier. I don't have enough material to cut a new dress, and I'm not sre how to make the adjustments. I'm frustrated and super disappointed. So now with three weeks left, my other option is to buy dresses. However, she's never available and will actually be out of town for a week before the wedding. Granted I haven't shared my feelings with here, I'm just very frustrated. Ughhh! what to do?
Posted by t_siemens@hotmail.com[/QUOTE]

Hi there, I am a sewer. There may or may not be a way to alter the dress to fit and look nice. It depends on the style and how much fabric you have left. If you want to, let me know the pattern company and number and I might be able to offer you a suggestion.

It depends on the woman, but a little bit of pregnancy weight can be distributed throughout the upper torso, but most of the weight and inches are in the stomach area and bust. Therefore, inserting a corset back would help for an inch or two, but would not help with the baby bump or her increase in cup size. Those alterations would have to be done on the front part.

Having said all this it would probably be easier and less stressful to put the solution in the hands of your friend and bridesmaid and have her find a maternity dress in the general colour the other bridesmaids are wearing. Afterall, it was her choice not to communicate with you, valid reason or not, regarding her pregnancy which she knew would cause some problems with her dress.

Having experienced three pregnancies including one miscarriage at 12 weeks I understand the reluctance to share news of a pregnancy until after the three month point. However, in my opinion she could have confided in you about her early pregnancy and you would not be having this problem. To me, it as simple as acting in a considerate way towards other people.

mbcdefg · January 2010

So how does the "entire history" change the situation?

Or did you delete just because you're upset that nobody agreed with you that you somehow have the right to an up-to-the-minute update concerning your BM's reproductive organs?

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

My own sister didn't tell me she was pregnant until after the first trimester. It's nothing personal, she just wanted to be sure that there was actually going to be something for everyone to celebrate.

I don't see why she can't just buy a maternity dress. Honestly, it doesn't have to look anything like the other dresses. The important thing is that she's standing up there with you, not what she's wearing.

Mrs.B6302007 · January 2010

Well, along with that nevermind, how about a "thanks anyway" since we still took the time to help.

mbcdefg · January 2010

We could sit here all day and argue back and forth over whether it was "wrong" of her not to tell you about her pregnancy sooner.

But, it doesn't matter. The fact is that you didn't know when you cut the dress. Even if we agree with you that she should've told you sooner, it doesn't change the situation.

So, if the dress you are making truly cannot be altered to fit her, you have two options:

1. Let her find a dress off the rack and stand up with you anyway.

2. Kick her out of the wedding and, therefore, your life.

Your choice. Just be aware that #2 will make you come across as a giant biitch to this girl and probably to others. But, hey, if that's worth it to you, then go for it and boot her because she won't be in the same exact dress as the other BMs.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

So I don't know how "entire history" comes into play, but I am curious.

If she told everyone but you, then you've got a friend problem going on here with your friend not wanting to you to know what is otherwise public info and is even avoiding you. I could understand being upset about that. But 1) history wouldn't matter in that case and 2) something tells me that's not what's going on here.

I think you really just need to get over yourself here. Your wedding and her outfit for it are nowhere near the top of her list of priorities when she's found out she's pregnant. Especially if the reason she chose to wait to tell you and others is that she's previously had a miscarriage and the issue is sensitive (and believe me, this is more common than you'd think) or if it took a really long time to conceive and wanted to be sure that everything is safe (which is really more common than you'd think).

mbcdefg · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_frustrated-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:87b41b6a-220c-4f61-992f-e41c4168dc03Post:b7c935e7-d5bb-4733-a72b-809e27590652">Re: Frustrated at BM</a>:
[QUOTE]Especially if the reason she chose to wait to tell you and others is that she's previously had a miscarriage and the issue is sensitive (and believe me, this is more common than you'd think) or if it took a really long time to conceive and wanted to be sure that everything is safe (which is really more common than you'd think).
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

Absolutely. I honestly had no idea that miscarriages and trouble conceiving was so widespread until I started chatting on these boards and became friendly with people on my local and some other national boards.

emilyinchile · January 2010

THANK YOU guys for copying this post.

OP, that's frustrating. Take 5 seconds to feel frustrated, now get over it. PPs have given you all sorts of reasons your friend may not have told you, and a dress is less important than all of them. Good luck finding a new dress, please don't make this a big deal because it really doesn't have to be.

duckie1905 · January 2010

I'm not sure how any kind of "history" entitles you to minute-by-minute updates on her uterus so get over yourself.

Let her choose a maternity dress in your color or a similar or complimentary one and be done with it.

One would hope that you would be happy for your friend, not worried about some stupid BM dress.

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