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Moms and Maids

FMiL help (long, so sorry)

I know I'm far from the first to post about future mother-in-law woes, but I am completely at a loss as to how to handle the situation I've found myself in. 

Very long story short-ish (yes, this is the short version), my fiance's mother called my mother to talk about the guest numbers and she ended up yelling and hurling insults at my mother when she didn't get what she wanted. My parents are being SO fair and have given them an equal number of guests, and we're having the wedding close to my fiance's family b/c they insist that no one will travel to our home state and my family and I don't want to have a wedding where my fiance only has his immediate family as guests. While nothing would justify anyone yelling or insulting my mother, it's especially horrific given that my parents are being so generous to them. 

I'm a forgiving person and don't hold grudges, but this is one thing I don't know how to let go. My FMiL is already a pretty unpleasant person to be around and has been unkind (unintentionally, in fairness) to me and her other daughter-in-law on countless occasions, but this is just the last straw and I'm so full of anger. Her husband has apologized to me, but I can't even bear to be in the same room with this woman at this point and am filled with a kind of anger I have never before experienced. My fiance is on my side all the way, and has tried to reason with his mother to no avail. He admits that she is a child and unkind and is behaving horribly, but she's still his mother. 

Please help--how do you put up with an unbearable in-law? Especially an emotional, irrational, reactionary, and childish one who lives in town and expects her children and their spouses to treat her with nothing short reverence? My fiance's sister, who I am very close with, says that things do get better after the wedding, but the MiL also treated her parents horribly and the sister-in-law is still furious a year+ later, while the MiL acts like nothing ever happened. 

Thanks so much for any guidance you can offer!

Re: FMiL help (long, so sorry)

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-help-long-so-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b5352b0e-233c-43d1-9894-5afcae1a763aPost:8e21e61c-d636-4242-90e6-563c5db6f7f6">FMiL help (long, so sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know I'm far from the first to post about future mother-in-law woes, but I am completely at a loss as to how to handle the situation I've found myself in.  Very long story short-ish (yes, this is the short version), my fiance's mother called my mother to talk about the guest numbers and she ended up yelling and hurling insults at my mother when she didn't get what she wanted. My parents are being SO fair and have given them an equal number of guests, and we're having the wedding close to my fiance's family b/c they insist that no one will travel to our home state and my family and I don't want to have a wedding where my fiance only has his immediate family as guests. While nothing would justify anyone yelling or insulting my mother, it's especially horrific given that my parents are being so generous to them.  I'm a forgiving person and don't hold grudges, but this is one thing I don't know how to let go. My FMiL is already a pretty unpleasant person to be around and has been unkind (unintentionally, in fairness) to me and her other daughter-in-law on countless occasions, but this is just the last straw and I'm so full of anger. Her husband has apologized to me, but I can't even bear to be in the same room with this woman at this point and am filled with a kind of anger I have never before experienced.<strong> My fiance is on my side all the way, and has tried to reason with his mother to no avail. He admits that she is a child and unkind and is behaving horribly, but she's still his mother. </strong> Please help--how do you put up with an unbearable in-law? Especially an emotional, irrational, reactionary, and childish one who lives in town and expects her children and their spouses to treat her with nothing short reverence? My fiance's sister, who I am very close with, says that things do get better after the wedding, but the MiL also treated her parents horribly and the sister-in-law is still furious a year+ later, while the MiL acts like nothing ever happened.  Thanks so much for any guidance you can offer!
    Posted by lyosko[/QUOTE]

    So the fact that they share DNA gives her the right to treat you and your family like dirt? You're being forced to put up with an unbearable future in-law because your FI doesn't want to upset her. He'd rather see you upset. She gets away with this behavior because her children allow her to get away with this behavior. Why on earth should she stop when it gets her what she wants?

  • FI needs to stand up to her, "Mom, the way you treated my FMIL was not acceptable.  You owe them BOTH an apology for your behavior.   You also owe ME an apology for putting me in the position of having to apologize for my mother.   I love you but I cannot act like this was an insignificant remark."
  • The thing is that he has. He's furious with her and has spent hours upon hours trying to reason and even flat out yelling at his parents for being so difficult and his mother for her behavior. She just cries (literally-she is very manipulative) about how she's messing up the relationship with me just like she did with her other son's wife. And he and I are both thinking/he's saying: "hello? this was your choice. if you didn't want this, don't be a monster." 

    I'm not making excuses, my fiance really is being amazing. Some pieces of it have gotten through to them, but now she is furious with him for taking "my side" about everything instead of being loyal to her. How do we deal with someone like that? He's at a loss, too, and he's been dealing with her craziness his whole life.
  • Also, thanks for the responses!
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-help-long-so-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b5352b0e-233c-43d1-9894-5afcae1a763aPost:778b582c-7278-4ee3-8650-a055d63a7af8">Re: FMiL help (long, so sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]The thing is that he has.<strong> He's furious with her and has spent hours upon hours trying to reason and even flat out yelling at his parents for being so difficult and his mother for her behavior. </strong>She just cries (literally-she is very manipulative) about how she's messing up the relationship with me just like she did with her other son's wife. And he and I are both thinking/he's saying: "hello? this was your choice. if you didn't want this, don't be a monster."  I'm not making excuses, my fiance really is being amazing. Some pieces of it have gotten through to them, but now <strong>she is furious with him for taking "my side" about everything instead of being loyal to her. How do we deal with someone like that?</strong> He's at a loss, too, and he's been dealing with her craziness his whole life.
    Posted by lyosko[/QUOTE]


    He should tell his mom that unless he treats is wife and her family with respect, she won't be seeing much of either of you. She acts that way because it gets her attention. He shouldn't hang around for her crying and  temper tantrums. As soon as she starts acting up, he should walk out.
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-help-long-so-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b5352b0e-233c-43d1-9894-5afcae1a763aPost:a756d1ab-3560-46be-8262-1661c27dd5ac">Re: FMiL help (long, so sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMiL help (long, so sorry) : He should tell his mom that unless he treats is wife and her family with respect, she won't be seeing much of either of you. She acts that way because it gets her attention. He shouldn't hang around for her crying and  temper tantrums. As soon as she starts acting up, he should walk out.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    This is absolutely correct.  It's also very, very hard to do- but you and your fiance absolutely must set boundaries with his mother and enforce them 100% of the time.  Good luck.

    By the way, have you gotten any premarital counseling?  This is one of those things where it might be worth bringing up with a marriage counselor to discuss ways that the two of you can approach dealing with her as a unified front.  Just a thought.
  • He needs to stop spending hours upon hours trying to reason with crazy. Crazy can't be reasoned with. Crazy understands actions, not words. The only actions he is showing her is that he'll continue to put up with the crazy; no matter what, he'll keep coming back for more.

    Like MariePoppy said, he needs to tell her once and for all to treat you and your family with respect or she won't be seeing him anymore. Then he actually needs to follow through on it. Once the crazy starts, he needs to hang up the phone or leave her house and not come back. She behaves this way because it works. She manipulates them because it gets her what she wants -- her kids showering her with attention (any attention is good attention). Their entire worlds revolve around trying not to upset her. Why do they give her all of this power? She's not going to wake up one day and decide to stop being irrational; being irrational gets her everything she wants. It works for her. They need to stop feeding her. That's the only way this will stop.

    If your FI continues to go as he has been and continues to allow her to behave this way, you realize this is going to continue even after you're married, right? Are you planning to have kids? Just imagine how she'll behave once that happens. Just remember who is allowing her to behave this way with you, your family, and any future children you may have.

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