All I can say is... WTF?

sabatron · September 2010

FI's parents offered to throw us a rehearsal dinner (for about 20 people) in two weeks. Very generous. They started looking at restaurants to host it, and being discouraged by the prices, started reneging their offer. They told us a week ago they'd just have it at their house (to save money) and cook for everyone. That's fine. Fast forward a week. NOW they aren't sure if they'll be able to take off work that day, and on top of that, they decided that they're gonna go on a little vacation to Florida this week. Um. What happened to "oh we can't afford x and y" and "we're not sure if we'll be able to take off?" Meanwhile, I've told my relatives, officiant and bridal party that they're hosting a rehearsal dinner for us when it might not even happen.

FI's parents have a history of flakiness... but this just seems downright rude. I was fine with not having a rehearsal dinner and wasn't expecting one, but when they said "we'll throw you one in two weeks", I believed them. I'm beyond mad. Ideas? FI is embarrassed by his parents flakiness and I know he wants a rehearsal dinner. Should we just throw one ourselves? Would that be insulting to the parents?

arv266 · September 2010

My advice would be for FI to have a talk with his parents and ask ever so gently what their intentions for the RD are. If they have a history of flakiness, then you might already have the answer....

If you can afford one, and if you want one, then go ahead and plan your RD, but I would let your FI talk to his parents first. They may be offended either way, but at this point, with no definitive plans on their part, IMO it's fine to make alternate arrangements.

MairePoppy · September 2010

It's rude of them to offer to host the rehearsal dinner and then back out at the last minute. Don't cause your Fi further embarrassment by making a big deal of it, though.

You and Fi should host your own rehearsal dinner. It doesn't have to be fancy. Take everyone out for pizza if that's what your budget allows. The point of the RD is to show some hospitality to your wedding party.

sabatron · September 2010

Part of me (the PMSing, irrational side) doesn't care if they're offended. They've done nothing to help with the wedding and have exhibited zero interest in it, ever. I probably should have known better than to entrust them with throwing a rehearsal dinner. It's all just kind of embarassing. FI does NOT communicate well with his parents. My mom, who's paying for most of the wedding, offered to throw us a rehearsal dinner after hearing about FI's parents. Is this a bad idea too?

sabatron · September 2010

We could throw our own at a local pizza place, but I don't know how to approach the parents about this. With two weeks til the dinner and them gone for a week, it's time to piss or get off the pot. Do I ask them straight out if they're doing it or not?

Kristin789 · September 2010

This is FI's problem, not yours.

The RD isn't "in about two weeks." The RD is held after your rehearsal on October 1. If FI's parents won't commit to host (which says a whole lot about how they see him, you, and your marriage, and everyone else will certainly see this - which is reason enough for FI to talk to his parents about hosting the Oct. 1 dinner), then you and FI need to host your WP and spouses for dinner that night.

sabatron · September 2010

We're having our rehearsal dinner a couple days earlier so our officiant can attend... kind of weird, but whatever. At what point do we ask them? FI is pissed and doesn't even want to talk about it, which just exacerbates the whole issue... leaving me stranded in the middle. His mom calls and talks to me instead of him and it's making me feel accidentally meddlesome. I don't want to keep changing the location, time, or date of the event for his parents' sake. We'd like to give our bridal party, officiant, and close relatives a good meal and just have fun... we can plan this ourselves but I'm not sure how the parents will feel about this or at what point we're supposed to make this our responsibility...

MairePoppy · September 2010

It's not unusual to have the rehearsal and dinner a week or more before the wedding. It depends on what works best for the wedding party and the venue schedule.

I agree that you need an answer ASAP. Ideally, your fi should call his parents and ask them straight out if they are still planning to host the RD. It's not fair for him to leave that problem to you. But since your FMIL has been dealing with you directly, I see nothing wrong with you asking her if she is still hosting the RD and what her plans are.

If the FILs have decided not to host, then it shouldn't matter to them whether you or your mom does the honors. I would suggest that you and fi host it, though, since your mom is already doing so much.

sabatron · September 2010

I'm so pissed about them flaking that I'm afraid I'll say something awful... so maybe I should wait a couple days. My mom has offered to give a us a very very generous RD but this will probably go over badly with FI's parents. I think what irks me about all of this is that we didn't think we were having an RD in the first place... and after FI's parents offered, we told people about it, so now we feel that we have to hold up our end of the bargain, even though we didn't expect one to begin with!

MairePoppy · September 2010

It really would be better if your Fi settles this issue with his parents. Why should you be in the middle and risk getting into an argument with them?

If they decide not to host, then they don't get to call the shots. Just make sure they are invited and treated courteously.

sabatron · September 2010

FI doesn't want to talk about this anymore and doesn't want to talk to his parents about it anymore... which automatically puts me in charge. Other people are expecting a reheasal dinner now, because we told them there would be one. People keep saying this is FI's problem, but it's also mine.

quotequeen · September 2010

It's not unusual to have the rehearsal and dinner a week or more before the wedding.

Really? I would think that was very strange.

MairePoppy · September 2010

You're right qq, I should have said it's unusual but not weird to have your rehearsal a week or more before the wedding. There's no rule saying you have to have it the night before the wedding.

lilianne22 · September 2010

I think Maire is right and you need to have FI ask his parents if they plan to host the RD or not. You need to know so you can put another plan in place if they are going to flake out. I'm sure you are both very frustrated (understandably, since it's rude of his parents to say they'll host and then flake at the last minute) but in order to put another plan in place for your RD guests, you need to ask them about it ASAP. Hopefully FI will do it, since they are his parents. You don't need to be snarky about it, just ask them what their plan is for the dinner. If they back out of hosting then you can take over, no hard feelings. If they have no set plan in place, offer to host it yourselves and then you won't have to worry about them getting organized or not. GL

mlekitty · September 2010

Oh, my. I have issues like this with my own parents. In the fiance's defense, his problems are probably a result of deeper issues that can't just be quickly "resolved." And yes, his problems are yours now, too. That's partially what becoming a family is about. Just ask your FILs point blank what their plans are, and go from there. You're going to have lots of reasons to initiate communication with them in the future, so you might as well start now. I do feel your frustration! It will work out in the end. You just have to take these things one step at a time.

kristenrmu22 · October 2010

Sabarton- your wedding is tomorrow. Hope everything worked out. Have a wonderful day

All I can say is... WTF?

Re: All I can say is... WTF?

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