My sister/MOH not giving me a shower

lindsaynewbride10 · April 2011

Maybe I'm feeling this way because I've always envisioned my wedding and the parties leading up to the wedding. But here's the thing, my sister, who is also my MOH, is not giving me a shower for my side of the family. My future-sister-in-laws ARE giving me a shower on my FI's side of the family. I asked my sister about it via text yesterday, because the summer is filling up really fast and I basically needed to know whether a) she was doing it period, and b) when it was planned for. She said simply, "I can't."

I really hate that there's any chance of this coming off selfish of me to be upset because I get that showers are a GIFT, and not something to be expected, nor should I EXPECT one because of everything I've done for her, which is a lot. But, I do. I do expect it from her. It would take me a couple days to tell you all about my sister and everything I've done to help keep her head above water over the past 5 years, but I don't want to bore you with that.

It just really hurts my feelings that my sister doesn't seem to care that this is something really important to me. And if it's a financial thing, I've been engaged for the past 9 months, why couldn't she start stashing away $, and just throw a very budget friendly shower?!? I know I'm going to catch sh*t over that comment but it's honestly how I feel.

Can anyone maybe relate to this?

trix1223 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_sistermoh-not-giving-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:1137eb85-6db6-4237-beab-1aa41617d5d9Post:ed78d5ac-7d3a-4bc1-8866-9b8c43246da4">My sister/MOH not giving me a shower</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I'm feeling this way because I've always envisioned my wedding and the parties leading up to the wedding. But here's the thing, my sister, who is also my MOH, is not giving me a shower for my side of the family. My future-sister-in-laws ARE giving me a shower on my FI's side of the family. I asked my sister about it via text yesterday, because the summer is filling up really fast and I basically needed to know whether a) she was doing it period, and b) when it was planned for. She said simply, "I can't." I really hate that there's any chance of this coming off selfish of me to be upset because I get that showers are a GIFT, and not something to be expected, nor should I EXPECT one because of everything I've done for her, which is a lot. But, I do. I do expect it from her. It would take me a couple days to tell you all about my sister and everything I've done to help keep her head above water over the past 5 years, but I don't want to bore you with that. It just really hurts my feelings that my sister doesn't seem to care that this is something really important to me. And if it's a financial thing, I've been engaged for the past 9 months, why couldn't she start stashing away $, and just throw a very budget friendly shower?!? I know I'm going to catch sh*t over that comment but it's honestly how I feel. Can anyone maybe relate to this?
Posted by lindsaynewbride10[/QUOTE]

Nope, I can't relate to this. Your sister doesn't need to host a shower for you. She said she can't host a shower for you. You ARE having a shower. You sound entitled and whiny. Sorry.

Just to keep things in perspective: perhaps your sister has financial obligations that you're unaware of. One of our DD's would have been able to host showers a year and a half ago. Then she had to have life saving surgery from complications of pregnancy, and now, 16 months later, and WITH insurance, she and her DH are still paying off the bills.

But her sister, brother, and SIL didn't realize that because it wasn't something something she wanted shared. I finally quietly let them know so they'd understand.

Be grumpy for the rest of tonight, then let this go. At the end of your ceremony, you'll still be married. And isn't that what this is all about?

But a big, old Good Luck to you.

lindsaynewbride10 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_sistermoh-not-giving-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:1137eb85-6db6-4237-beab-1aa41617d5d9Post:21aaad44-eae0-405c-ba4d-4768b617b490">Re: My sister/MOH not giving me a shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to My sister/MOH not giving me a shower : Nope, I can't relate to this. Your sister doesn't need to host a shower for you. She said she can't host a shower for you. You ARE having a shower. You sound entitled and whiny. Sorry. Just to keep things in perspective: perhaps your sister has financial obligations that you're unaware of. One of our DD's would have been able to host showers a year and a half ago. Then she had to have life saving surgery from complications of pregnancy, and now, 16 months later, and WITH insurance, she and her DH are still paying off the bills. But her sister, brother, and SIL didn't realize that because it wasn't something something she wanted shared. I finally quietly let them know so they'd understand. Be grumpy for the rest of tonight, then let this go. At the end of your ceremony, you'll still be married. And isn't that what this is all about? But a big, old Good Luck to you.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Thank you for this- I will admit I still have my feelings hurt over it but I'll get over it. You're right, the most important thing is that after this is all over, I'll be married, which is my ultimate goal. Thanks again.

rainedrop6 · April 2011

I can relate. I too would have been hurt and disappointed if my sister hadn't throw me a shower. Others are right, in the end you'll be happily married and it's certainly possible someone else will step up before then but I'd be lying if I said I would be fine with it.

IrishPrincess777 · April 2011

who said it has to be your MOH? you can always throw your own bridal party or maybe someone else in your party can do it. i was going to do my party myself, but i'm going to try to involve 3 of my bridal party people (i have 6) in planning it. I have two of them on board - just need to talk to the third one.

i'm just saying that if you want one that bad for your side of the family then there's ways to do it.

lindsaynewbride10 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_sistermoh-not-giving-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:1137eb85-6db6-4237-beab-1aa41617d5d9Post:f3eac268-b4e0-4236-8801-54d3300aaa73">Re: My sister/MOH not giving me a shower</a>:
[QUOTE]who said it has to be your MOH? you can always throw your own bridal party or maybe someone else in your party can do it. i was going to do my party myself, but i'm going to try to involve 3 of my bridal party people (i have 6) in planning it. I have two of them on board - just need to talk to the third one. i'm just saying that if you want one that bad for your side of the family then there's ways to do it.
Posted by IrishPrincess777[/QUOTE]

Yea I'm gonna have to disagree- you don't throw your own bridal shower. It is supposed to be a gift from someone else. Im not upset that my MOH isn't throwing me a shower, her being MOH has nothing to do with it. Its the fact that she's my SISTER, my only sister. An that's basically how ive envisioned my showers to be. Oh well. I've let go of my feelings about it, mostly.

trix1223 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_sistermoh-not-giving-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:1137eb85-6db6-4237-beab-1aa41617d5d9Post:f3eac268-b4e0-4236-8801-54d3300aaa73">Re: My sister/MOH not giving me a shower</a>:
[QUOTE]who said it has to be your MOH? you can always throw your own bridal party or maybe someone else in your party can do it. i was going to do my party myself, but i'm going to try to involve 3 of my bridal party people (i have 6) in planning it. I have two of them on board - just need to talk to the third one. i'm just saying that if you want one that bad for your side of the family then there's ways to do it.
Posted by IrishPrincess777[/QUOTE]

No, no, no, no, and did I mention NO?

OP, as others will no doubt also say, this is terrible advice. You don't throw your own shower. If no one offers, you don't have a shower. And that's hardly the end of the world. Disappointing? Sure. But certainly not worth alienating people over.

lindenheart · April 2011

I can relate as well. My sis lives thousands of miles away from me and made a big deal about being disappointed that she wouldn't be able to help with anything or throw my a shower. My other BMs have gottentogether to host a shower and she's going to come (yippeee!!!!!!!) The BMs were going to try to involve her in some way (like looking up games or something that she could do out-of-town that wouldn't cost anything and she wouldn't have to haul through an airport) but she won't return their phone calls. My mom asked her about this and she just brushed it off. It stings a little that she was so eager to be involved and now doesn't even return phone calls. So yes, I understand that initial "what? but your my SISTER!!" feeling. I've done a lot for her as well and sure you kinda want a little reciprocity. At the same time, when I was helping her she was in dire need....thiswedding stuff is all just for fun. If it was an emergency, she would be there for me. As PP said though, give yourself a moment to think it through and you'll get over it. I am so THRILLED my sis can even take time off to come to the shower and wedding. Who cares if she can't help out! I'm sure this is bad etiquette but I'm going to just throw it out there - can you see if some of your other BMs or a friends or your mom or other relative could host a shower for your side of the family?

jilld82 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_sistermoh-not-giving-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:1137eb85-6db6-4237-beab-1aa41617d5d9Post:f3eac268-b4e0-4236-8801-54d3300aaa73">Re: My sister/MOH not giving me a shower</a>:
[QUOTE]who said it has to be your MOH? you can always throw your own bridal party or maybe someone else in your party can do it. i was going to do my party myself, but i'm going to try to involve 3 of my bridal party people (i have 6) in planning it. I have two of them on board - just need to talk to the third one. i'm just saying that if you want one that bad for your side of the family then there's ways to do it.
Posted by IrishPrincess777[/QUOTE]

Um....no. Please try not to give out advice, unless it is actually accurate.

HerNameIsNik · April 2011

I'd be hurt too if someone very close to me (don't have a sister) who I had supported through the years was of the "I can't" mindset.

It's easy to say that people have different budgets and different issues in their lives that could prevent hosting a shower and that's true. It's also true that it's easy to get caught up in the entitled-bride-princess-gimme mindset too and have your feelings hurt over something that you shouldn't really be counting on in the first place.

But it doesn't have to be about the money. It truly doesn't. It's about the thought and about wanting to support and celebrate with someone you love.

At any rate, it sounds like you'd be fine with "budget friendly." Even more reason that it does not have to be about the money. A potluck lunch could be organized or a morning tea with cookies hosted at her home (big fan of this one - you can get coffee, tea and cookies for lots of people at a discount grocery store for $20), even (if it fit the group) a wedding-themed movie night with everyone bringing a munchie or bottle of wine. Surely one of the family members could be asked (by the organizer) to host, or it could be held in a park, since it's summer.

Anyway. My point is that while, sure, you don't have the right to demand or expect a shower from her, but you do have the right to feel hurt that she isn't freely willing to try to celebrate with you within her means because with a little effort and creativity getting together to share laughs and celebrate does not have to be expensive.

MatthewN713 · April 2011

This may not be possible depending on your circumstances, but if it's finances, couldn't your sister help your fiance's family in planning the shower that they are throwing for you? I mean in terms of organization and planning games, etc? My fiance's family are planning the one and only shower for me (I would have felt really umcomfortable with more than one shower) and my sister has collaborated with them in planning. As well, his siters offered to invite my friends to the one shower they are hosting, so everything works out just fine.

Good luck.

Muffin'sMom · April 2011

There are many ways to do a shower, and many people that can help. When I got married, my sister/MOH was a teenager and had no way to do it, so a BM (my best friend) stepped up and planned one with her mom for me. For my daughter, her MOH's and BM were all either completely broke or OOT. They came to me and I offered my home and did all the food. They did the planning, and inviting. I stayed in the background and was absolutely willing to let them shine. It was lovely.

Showers do not have to be huge, in a trendy expensive place, and have fancy food!!!

lindsaynewbride10 · April 2011

No I completely agree that showers don't have to be huge, extravagant parties. I think more than anything I'm upset that my SISTER, my only sister, has just said no to doing it and acts like its no big deal. I'll be ok. I should just be thrilled that my future SIL's are so amazing and are planning a shower for me.

MatthewN713 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_sistermoh-not-giving-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:1137eb85-6db6-4237-beab-1aa41617d5d9Post:d333248f-f502-44b7-8c31-c946be610d31">Re: My sister/MOH not giving me a shower</a>:
[QUOTE]I think more than anything I'm upset that my SISTER, my only sister, has just said no to doing it and acts like its no big deal.

I guess I just really don't understand why so much emphasis was placed on her having a shower for you. I'm sure she shows she cares in other ways.

lindsaynewbride10 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_sistermoh-not-giving-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:1137eb85-6db6-4237-beab-1aa41617d5d9Post:6391a216-983c-4456-90bc-3fbf650faa6a">Re: My sister/MOH not giving me a shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My sister/MOH not giving me a shower : [QUOTE]I think more than anything I'm upset that my SISTER, my only sister, has just said no to doing it and acts like its no big deal. I guess I just really don't understand why so much emphasis was placed on her having a shower for you. I'm sure she shows she cares in other ways.
Posted by MatthewN713[/QUOTE]

You'd be surprised.

lindsaynewbride10 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_sistermoh-not-giving-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:1137eb85-6db6-4237-beab-1aa41617d5d9Post:f73c3b7a-3277-46ee-bfd7-6a72ab809da8">Re: My sister/MOH not giving me a shower</a>:
[QUOTE]So, is it normal for brides to get multiple showers? I know that sometimes that is the case when the family is spread out long distance, but really in my experience, one shower is all most brides get. Is this a new trend or a regional thing (I really am honestly asking out of curiousity)?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Well the thing is that my FI's sisters are throwing me a shower for their side of the family, so I was hoping someone would throw one for MY side of the family. I think my aunt is gonna do it so everything is fine.

My sister/MOH not giving me a shower

Re: My sister/MOH not giving me a shower

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