Second Weddings

Your 1st vs. your 2nd

The second time around, how are things different in your new relationship that make you sure of your choice to get married again? How do you know that this one IS forever, when the first one wasn't?

How long did you date your FI before getting engaged this time around, vs how long you dated your ex-DH?
They didn't have you where I come from...never knew the best was yet to come...

Re: Your 1st vs. your 2nd

  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Well, let's see:

    Marriage #1 - began dating xH in March of 1979, got engaged in June of '79 and married in Dec. of the same year.  I did "know" him before but only as the brother of my friend.  He had been living out in a commune in Washington State and had just come back to Chicago a few weeks before we started dating.

    #2 - began dating almost 7 years ago.  Moved in together 3 years ago, and married 6 months ago.  Slow and easy was his idea, and I have to say as an impulsive person that at times it drove me absolutely crazy, but it was the right thing to do.

    So, no going from the frying pan into the fire for me Laughing
  • edited December 2011

    Listing the things that are different in the actual relationship would be a wall o' text for sure. 

    I met xH when I was a Freshman in high school - he was a sophomore.  There was a group of us that hung out/ran around together in high school and I knew him through that group.  After I graduated high school, all of our other friends were away at college and I was going to school at home - so we hung out a lot.  A few years later we started dating.  We got engaged after 4 months of "officially" dating and married a year later.

    With FI, we met online and chatted for a week or so (online and phone) before our first date.  We continued to talk and see other and he moved in pretty quick.  I think the fact that we are older and, allegedly, wiser we knew more what we wanted and didn't want in a relationship.  We lived together 3 years before we got engaged.  By the time we get married - we'll be together just over 4 years.

    This is probably an overused phrase, but it fits - "When you know, you know!"

    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    The most important difference in my relationship with my DH versus my xH = we share the same values.  At 22 I had no idea what that meant in a relationship. 

    Timeline:
    1st marriage:  dating 2/1978, engaged 10/1979, married 5/1984
    current marriage: dating 2/1999, engaged 10/2004, married 7/2006. 
    No real difference in the timing, but being 20 years older and wiser made all the difference!  ~Donna
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_1st-vs-2nd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:f763cd7c-dd56-4875-809f-590463ac7740Post:30a796aa-cd57-4005-86a7-a7102b634142">Re: Your 1st vs. your 2nd</a>:
    [QUOTE]The most important difference in my relationship with my DH versus my xH = we share the same values.  At 22 I had no idea what that meant in a relationship.  Timeline: 1st marriage:  dating 2/1978, engaged 10/1979, married 5/1984 current marriage: dating 2/1999, engaged 10/2004, married 7/2006.  No real difference in the timing, but<strong> being 20 years older and wiser made all the difference! </strong> ~Donna
    Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

    So true!!!
    Anniversary
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    hmmm.  This is interesting.   At first, I thought of all the similarities, they were both medically retired Army vets, I dated each for two years, then was engaged for a year. 

    But after that, it all takes a turn.  Ex grew up in a decidedly blue-collar family, although we met at college.  We had the same values (to answer Donna's question) but here's what happened: he had a head injury, and that changed EVERYTHING.  I would have stayed in the marriage (sickness and in health) but he decided he wanted out, because we had become roommates, really.  He was interested in other women, so I stopped trying to make it work after 18 years of marriage (15 after the injury), and moved on.  It was tough, but I am so much happier now than just all that fighting to make it work! 

    My DH now, well, I'm 9 years older than he is.  Other than that,  we have a lot in common.  We like a lot of the same things, but really, we were raised very similarly. 

    There are a lot of little things, too.  For example, my first husband, well, he never, ever held the door for me.  DH STILL holds the door for me and we've been married for three years! 

    And I have to tell you that I always worry when someone on this board says "I'm marrying my best friend!"  Really? That's what I did the first time. I decided NOT to do that the second time.  I have plenty of female friends to serve that purpose.   
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_1st-vs-2nd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:f763cd7c-dd56-4875-809f-590463ac7740Post:cc464168-6248-445f-8b45-d8b9ac341b33">Re: Your 1st vs. your 2nd</a>:
    [QUOTE]  And I have to tell you that I always worry when someone on this board says "I'm marrying my best friend!"  Really? That's what I did the first time. I decided NOT to do that the second time.  I have plenty of female friends to serve that purpose.   
    Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]

    THIS!

    I met my exH when I started a new job - which I had moved from Chicago to Dallas for.  I had broken up with a guy to make the move (it wasn't a good relationship anyway) and ex was the first and only guy I dated at that point.  He was a GREAT friend - we hung out all the time and he was soooo NICE.  (opposite of last bf)  We started dating in Aug 94, engaged and bought a house by Jan 95.  Preg by Aug 95 and married Nov 95. 

    10 years later I realized that I was MISERABLE.  Not because he and I didn't get along - but we were roomates.  No passion.  (it was minimal when we were dating - so when it took the eventual drop off it went to nothing...)

    This time - I love my FI and we have passion!  We are great friends - but I don't treat him like that - I gossip with my girlie friends.  We started dating in Sept 2009, engaged Christmas and we'll be married in June.

    I can't imagine my life without him in it.  I always thought I'd be "fine" without the ex...
  • debi1941debi1941 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My differences....

    My first, the eve of the wedding I turned to my best friend in the hotel suite and said...."I don't wanna marry him"......she said, "your mom will kill you"....and the next day I got married......it lasted for a whopping 12 years and the last 10 years were horrendous.........I was young, in lust, and wanted to be the first of my friends to marry......he came along, we had fun , he was cute.....those were my reasons....

    well, 23 years later, I have lived, I have learned, I have lusted, BUT now I have love....which I can honestly say I have never had before.......it is the single most luxurious feeling I have ever felt...and ..I have ever experienced. 

    I cannot picture myself without him.....he truly made me whole for the first time....



    1st ...................dated/engaged/married  2 yr period

    2nd .................. known since 7th grade, thru high school............
                              started talking 8/2009, first date 9/2009
                              engaged  6/2010
                              marrying my first true love   2/13/2011

  • edited December 2011
    My first marriage was a huge mistake. I married because I was preganant. I wasn't young. I was 37 but had always made bad choices in men. I knew I would NEVER marry any of my bad boy boyfriends, then got prego quite by accident, I was using BC.

    Having never had children and wanting them, I really wanted to have my child and "do the right thing" , but was it the TOTALLY wrong thing to do!!!! 

     I took many years to work on myself and why I made bad choices. It was a self worth/esteem problem that escalated over the years and I ended up with the ultimate bad boy (my husband) I left him after he physically abused me in front of our son, I wasn't going to raise my son to think this was ok in any way. I had to get me and my son OUT. Which I did immediately after the abuse. I had a great career and could take care of myself and my son. I had saved money on the sly for months because the fights were escalating to pushing and shoving, hair pulling, clothes tearing, and I knew deep down it wouldn't be long before he started hitting. Thank God I had the resources to book fast.

    Finally through lots of reading, going to battered women support group,  and some years soul searching I figured out the problem and decided I was worth more. I was a catch and someone with great values and a great life would be happy to have me as a partner.

    After 6 years of being divorced I started dating my prince. I dated him for 6 years (never lived together) and we were married in September.

    1st marriage:   just totally wrong in every way.
    Married a totally self centered, insecure, bipolar jerk.

    2nd Marriage:  totally right in every single way imaginable.
    Married a very intelligent, kind, secure, hottie who's a fabulous husband, dad, son, employee, and great role model for boys who has treated me like a queen for 6.5 years.

    I finally got my happy ending at 46 when I met him. It's never too late to work on yourself, ever.
  • edited December 2011
    Nearly everything in this relationship is different. There is a mutual respect, there is communication, we have a lot in common, and we were both raised with family as being VERY important.

    That being said, my XH, in my eyes, never truly respected me, chose to never communicate, would work ALL the time and pretty much never make time for trying to make a relationship work. He would try to bribe me to do things if I would have sex with him for a certain number of days, etc. I met him through work, married after about a year. I had doubts in my mind every day after the engagement ring went on my finger. I was emotionally and mentally done with the marriage probably within 6 months. I still remember my dad looking at me before we even got engaged and telling me we would never make it. Not to mention if i had lived with him for any amount of time before marriage, i never would've married him.

    I've been with my current FI for about 7 months, and every day of this relationship has been different. He bought the ring and proposed right before New Years, so about 6 months in. I had no idea it was coming either. My parents and his family knew before he ever even proposed that we were right for each other. The first day I met his grandma she looked at me and said I was made for him. We've moved fast, but what people say is when you know, you know...and there hasn't been one doubt in my mind.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    How are things different?  FI and I have known each other much longer -- and much better -- than my ex and I did prior to marriage.  I'm the mom of a high school senior, not pregnant.

    How do you know that this one IS forever?  We have both been around the block (relationships and marriages) enough that we're much more certain about who and what we want for the future.  As well, b/c we're both past middle-age (technically), the outlook on life, love and future is just SO different than that of someone much younger.  The ability to plan a wedding while both of us are dealing with parents aging poorly is a good sign, we think.  Plus, entering into married life and discussing retirement, which is less than 10 years away, that's sweet!

    How long did you date your FI before getting engaged?  FI and I met in 7/06, got engaged in 12/09 and in 7/11 will marry on the 5th anniversary of the date we met.  Ex and I met in 9/91, got engaged in 7/92 and married in 10/02.  Whooosh!
  • fireytigerfireytiger member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Hoo boy, this will be long... My first marriage was to my high school sweetheart. He seemed like a sweet guy and he doted upon me, but we argued all the time about the stupidest crap. It didn't seem to matter because he was so nice to me. I married him three weeks after my 18th birthday, in a quick JOP ceremony. I hadn't wanted to do it that way or that soon, but he'd joined the military, and he convinced me we couldn't be together if we weren't married, and that was the only time he was going to be back in our home state long enough to do it. But then once we got married and we started living together, out came the a-hole.

    Needless to say, my ex husband was a complete jerk. He abused me, and we fought CONSTANTLY about EVERYTHING. One time he told me he argued with me about everything because he was tired of me being right all the time, but when he'd start arguments like "the sky isn't blue you idiot, it's plaid!" it's kinda hard for him to "win" the argument... He started spending our money compulsively on electronics and video games, even going behind my back buying things I specifically told him not to purchase because we couldn't afford it. On top of all this, all the nice things he used to do (that made his attitude tolerable) went away. When I asked him one time why he was such a jerk to me now, and why he wasn't nice to me anymore, he told me that I was his property now because we were married, and he didn't HAVE to be nice to me anymore because apparently, that was just "wooing me", and he didn't need to woo his wife. I divorced him after 8 months, and he left me destitute. He also left me not really knowing who I was. I'd spent all the years of high school, the years that one uses to define themselves before adulthood, defining myself through my relationship instead. It had always been me and James, never just me, so I never really learned how to be just me.

    This marriage is taking place almost 7 years later, and i've had enough experience now that I know what I want in a relationship. I also know some things that I didn't know back then: how to be happy being just me, that I'm not defined by my relationship, and that I don't NEED to be with someone in order to be happy or whole. Unlike marriage number one, FI and I don't fight much. We butt heads here and there because one of us misinterprets the other's actions, but nothing that isn't quickly worked out or out of the ordinary in a normal relationship. FI and I have also lived together for over a year now, so I have a feel of how things will be once we're married. He treats me like a queen, always tells me he loves me, and we just... click. I don't even know how to describe it, but everyone who's seen us together has said that we are soulmates, through and through. I thought that the dream of Prince Charming and happily ever after was nothing but a fantasy. I've never been happier to be proven wrong. :)
  • blush64blush64 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    First time, I was younger than 21. I was pregnant and under a LOT of pressure and I didn't really want to get married. We dated a year before the wedding which was planned by everyone other than me. Relationship was abusive and the marriage didn't last more than 3yrs. I was going to anything to make it work but the kids deserved better.

    Second time, I have known him for maybe 8 yrs but we only began to get to know each other 4.5 yrs ago. We have been dating 4yrs and he is my best friend--we laugh together, we play together, we have fun together and it's so much more...it is possible to have a best friend that you are very passionate about and one where the attraction is strong!  
     
    Do I know this will last forever? No, no one does. I love him, he loves me and we plan on putting a lot of work to make sure as we grow older, we grow together. I am going into this with my eyes wide open. I love to hear people say "I'm only getting married once" -- not many of us thought any different when we got married the first time.
  • AbbeyS2011AbbeyS2011 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011

    The main difference in the two relationships is that with Ex-H, he and I were total opposites, and that became more apparent as the years went by.


    FH and I are almost exactly alike in just about everything.  We have our different things that we like and are interested in, but we are very compatible and it gets better every day being with him.


    The first marriage, I married him because we had a son together, and he had me convinced that things would be different once we got married, and I was so determined to make it work.  I was ready to leave him literally days before we got married.  I am glad I did because if I had left I would not have had my younger son, and I cannot imagine life without him.


    This time, we want to be together and look forward to building a better life together with each other and with our boys.  I want to marry him and be his forever companion, and it is mutual.  This will be his 3rd marriage, and I was suprised he asked because he had told me he did not want to get married again when we first met. 

    Ex and I met in 1994, almost got married in 1997 (he backed out at the last minute - shoulda/coulda/woulda ran then, but did not), got married in 2002, divorced in 2007.

    FH and I met online in 2007, met in person April 2008, had LD relationship until I was able to move in December of 2008 to NC, and will be married 06/18/11.    This time, I know for sure.  I agree with the PPs about the "best friend" thing - he will be my hubby, and my life partner - my best friends are ladies, and a few men too!

    Anniversary
  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm not going to compare my first and second marriages, since they both should have been annulled.  First one was to a wife beater and ended in less than 7 months, 2nd one preferred men and he finally came out after our divorce at 2 years.

    Third marriage, met 1/99, engaged 3/99 married 6/99, and divorced 7/09.  He was enthralled with me, I was 17 years younger than him and looked even younger than my age when we met. I was a possession not a partner.  He is insecure, a control freak, rude, disrespectful and spends money like it's water those are his less than great qualities - he masks those with,(using his own words) being charming and bs-ing his way through. Just before we had reached the 9,5 year mark he started cheating, telling me he was going to "counseling".  Every time he went he would come home and demand a divorce (20 times in 3 months). By morning he would change his mind. It was very painful for me, and after he had the audacity to tell me that he had been bs-ing his way through the marriage for the last 9.5 years I was done.

    I have known my FI since we were both 15.  I actually met him days before he turned 15 at my bff's locker.  We dated almost three months and his mom decided we were too young to be exclusive, we broke up.  Ended up being extremely close best friends until we were 21. He proposed before leaving for Germany, and at the time I had to decline. We reunited in 2009 and will be married on the two year anniversary of our reunion. (There is a lot more to the story, but trying to keep this realitively short) 

    My FI and I have similar values, more common ground than not, work well together, have mutual deep respect for one another, have passion and then some, and many including his late father have said we belong together.   Is this forever? I hope so because I couldn't bare the pain of losing my partner and one true love again, did that once and I never really got over it.
  • edited December 2011
    1st:
    Met November 1998, Engaged February 2004, Married October 2005, Seperated November 2008, Filed for Divorce July 2009, Divorce Final June 2010

    2nd:
    Met March 2010, Engaged October 2010, Plan to Marry December 2011


    The difference:
    Respect, Passion, Appreciation, and Values!!!!

    Sometimes you have to go through a bad situation to be able to appreciate the love you have with someone else, and the love and respect they give you and that you deserve it!!!

    10 years with my ex just gave me experience of life and i can now appreciate what a relationship is suppose to be like.

    Like my grandmother says.....  who has friends who married after dating two months and has been for over 50 years....
    "Sometimes you just know" 
  • 2dBride2dBride member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    The second time around, how are things different in your new relationship that make you sure of your choice to get married again? How do you know that this one IS forever, when the first one wasn't?

    My ex-husband has Asperger's, which has resulted in his having absolutely no negotiating skills.  When we first started dating, I was in college and he was working.  Thus, he could be the benevolent mentor, telling me how to handle the working world.  However, as I got older and wanted a more equal relationship, he didn't have the ability to do that.  He therefore started thinking of himself as unneeded.

    NotFroofy is the opposite end of the scale.  I'm never in any doubt about her feelings on any subject, so things tend to get resolved before they get out of hand.

    How long did you date your FI before getting engaged this time around, vs how long you dated your ex-DH?

    I knew my ex for seven years before we got married, but only dated him for two years.  I lived with NotFroofy for nine years before we got married.


  • JenaebabyJenaebaby member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    this is a long one...

    1st marriage... met when i was 15 or 16.... he was my older sister's friend (7 years older than me btw) and i had a huge crush on him. we started dating when i was 19, he moved to chicago 4 or 5 months later. 8 months after that he moved back and into the house with my parents and me. he proposed on my 21st birthday.  about 2 months later he was asked to go on tour with xbox for lollapalooza... we moved out when i was 22... split up in may 2004... supposed to have been married 11/2004 instead i mived back in about 2 weeks after what was supposed to be the wedding.

    we fought constantly... i didn't save enough money, i didn't clean enough, why didn't i cook for him, how am i supposed to be a good mother if i can't even take care of myself, whay am i late for everything, why isn't my schoolwork done yet, get a job, etc...etc..etc....

    in july 2005 we got married... a very small wedding, 14 of us all together... fights got worse as 4 months after the wedding he started touring. he's a stage-manager for some pretty big name bands.  he still does this now...

    for the last 2 years of the marriage he threatened divorce any chance he got. i started feeling worthless, unloved, unwanted, my self-esteem was pretty low... i was always the social butterfly, and unconsciously flirty (job hazzard... waitress for 10 years) and by the time i moved out for the second time in july 2009 i couldn't believe he was ending it.

    i moved back in sept. 2009, and by nov. we decided divorce was best. i moved out the final time dec. 18th and filed divorce 12-29... divorce finalized 5-7-10

    #2: i met him while we were working. at the time i was married and he was engaged, so neither of us really had any thought to try and start dating eachother. things just fell into place and my second separation from hubby i was at FH 30th bday party (2 years older than me) and we kept in touch after that.  he didn't even know i had filed for divorce untill 2 months later... we started dating 2-21-10 and have been inseperable since. i mived in may 2010, he proposed 12-11-10 and the wedding is on 2-21-12....

    biggest differences...

    my ex- always made me feels inferior to him, couldn't stand my friends... if they don't bring something to the relationship why have them? and what are they doing to better themselves, how can it help me?
    didn't like the choices my family made.  his family made me feel like our problems were all my fault and nothing he does is wrong. always made me feel like i wasn't good enough or living up to his standards. told me i was "simple"  the list goes on and on...

    my FH respects my opinion... doesn't always like it, but he respects it
    we have mostly the same goals for ourselves, he wants children, he loves me and shows it constantly, my friends and family love him, he actually enjoys my friends and family, his family doesn't make me feel like i'm the one in the wrong in any of our disagreements. even when we do have disagreements it's usually solved and taken cre of within an hour. he loves my dog! has cats of his own.... animal lover is a BIG plus for me :)   just total opposite of the ex in so many ways

    the 9 years with the ex showed me what i will NOT tolerate and what i NEED in order to be happy.  and i have found what i need and more with my FH :)

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