• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Christian Weddings

curious to know what you all think i should have done

A few weeks ago I went to work with a really bad headache so I left and went to my fiance's house to nap while he and his family were at work (i asked them if that was ok).  while in his room i saw that his old cell phone was on.  he stopped using it becuase his work gave him one to use for personal and business.  i did a bad thing and snooped through his phone becuase i'm nosy.  i came across texts between him and other girls that had been sent recently...basically, he was saying he was single and plans were made to meet up with some of the girls.  i was devestated! upon further snooping in his room i came across a self pleasure device and was devestated. 

i text him that he we need to talk so he came home for lunch.  i flat out asked if he was seeing girls behind my back and asked him to explain the messages. 
he said he wasnt seeing anyone and nver met up with them.  he didn't know why he even started to talk to them and promised he wasn't cheating on me.  i cried a lot and he just sat there stunned.  then i asked about that other thing and he said his friends gave it to him as joke becuase they know he is a virgin. he said he will cancel his phone that day and throw that thing away. he asked me if i wanted to call off our wedding and i said no. i believe what he said to me but my best friend wasn't sure he was honest and that he might do something again.

i also asked him if he wants to marry me. i told him that means he is with me and only me for the rest of his life.  he knows it will take me a while to trust him again.
i couldn't bear to be without him and i'm not ready to give up that easy. we talked things over and decided we are both 100% committed to this relationship and marriage. and we still want to get married and have a life together. 

i don't know why he felt the need to seek an ego boost from other girls but ic an't help think i must not have been doing somethign right...i told him to tell me if he ever isn;t happy and what i can do to make it better.  i love him so much and i know he loves me.

should i have cancelled our wedding and called things off? should i have post poned it? did i do the right thing?
we are done talking about it becuase we both want to put it behind us and just move forward.

Re: curious to know what you all think i should have done

  •  The texts would bother me a lot more than the device (which I'm assuming was a fake vagina or something?).  Then again, we use "devices" in our marriage to aid with our sex life (vibrators, rings, etc - probably not what you found).

    As far as the texts...I don't know what I would have done.  My gut says postponement would be good - why get married if you can't trust him?  On the other hand, I can't honestly say that if I were one month out I would have postponed, either.

    I think a lot of prayer is needed and I'm not sure being done talking about it is a good thing.  Seems like there could be more going on here that needs to be explored as far as the whys of it all.
  • I would have postponed at the very least. You're not married YET. Had this happened while you were married, then yes I do think you should have stuck with him (although I do believe infidelity is a valid reason for divorce). I would feel really, really uncomfortable about the texts. Those texts don't just happen. Plans don't just happen, that takes some intention. Is there someone  you can talk to about it? A pastor of someone like that? I would certainly get as much council as you can before walking down the aisle. 

    Sorry you're going through that :(
    PostCeremony-131.1
  • I think it was a good thing that you found this now. I think it would be worse if you found it when once you were married. Have you guys done any premartial counseling yet? If you have, I would make it an appointment for you and Fi to meet with him/her and discuss this issue. If you haven't then you will want to bring this up in counseling. By telling someone about this, he becomes accountable not just to you but to someone else. Sitting down with someone will also give you both an open forum to discuss this issue and hopefully give some sound advice on how to do deal with it in marriage.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_curious-to-know-what-you-all-think-i-should-have-done?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:83821c29-19ef-4393-93b6-851a4d2eeaa8Post:0fb003ec-0e09-421e-b5cb-83ac760fb7d0">Re: curious to know what you all think i should have done</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think it was a good thing that you found this now. I think it would be worse if you found it when once you were married.<strong> Have you guys done any premartial counseling yet? If you have, I would make it an appointment for you and Fi to meet with him/her and discuss this issue. If you haven't then you will want to bring this up in counseling. By telling someone about this, he becomes accountable not just to you but to someone else</strong>. Sitting down with someone will also give you both an open forum to discuss this issue and hopefully give some sound advice on how to do deal with it in marriage.
    Posted by LeahVB2011[/QUOTE]

    <div>this is a great point. praying for you guys. I would have been very disturbed to find those texts because like a PP said, they had intentions behind them. And the fact there were more then one girls is also upsetting to me. Please, please sit down with someone yall both are comfortable talking about. I wouldn't want to just brush this aside this close to getting married. This is a BIG deal. </div>
    <img src="http://i271.photobucket.com/albums/jj123/sprtychick10/sabrearch5.jpg" width="200px" />


    <span style="color: #382110">my read shelf:</span>
    <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/review/list/6922246?shelf=read" title="Ashley's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)"><img border="0" alt="Ashley's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)" src="http://www.goodreads.com/images/badge/badge1.jpg"></a>



    <a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Recipes"><img src="http://global.thenest.com/tickers/tt148762.aspx" alt="Anniversary" border="0" /></a>

    <a href="http://daisypath.com/"><img src="http://dvcf.daisypath.com/jnzKm4.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Daisypath Vacation tickers" /></a>

    [IMG]http://i271.photobucket.com/albums/jj123/sprtychick10/BR6OZ_zps078f151c.png[/IMG]
  • I think you two should talk about it in premarital counseling.  While the texts weren't exactly appropriate, his response when you asked him about them seems honest, and it doesn't sound like he tried to deny anything.  We all make mistakes in relationships, some bigger than others, but what I think is really important is being truthful about it and asking for forgiveness.  He put himself in a bad situation, but it does sound like he realizes his mistake and truly wants to marry YOU, not be involved with other girls.  I'm not trying to say people can do whatever they want and get away with it by saying "sorry."  By offering to cancel the phone he's demonstrating that he understand what he did was wrong and wants to honor you by changing his behavior.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • He told other girls he was single.  That means he can not only picture his life without you in it, he's making plans as if that's the case.  At the very least, I would postpone the wedding.  I think you should prayerfully consider a postponement.

    Me personally, I probably would have ended it outright, but I'm not at all tolerant when it comes to things like that.

    image image image image

    My Blog

    Anniversary

    100/100 books read in 2012
    17/100 books read in 2013
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_curious-to-know-what-you-all-think-i-should-have-done?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:83821c29-19ef-4393-93b6-851a4d2eeaa8Post:4c47a025-189f-4c2a-b4a2-b88f66dec322">Re: curious to know what you all think i should have done</a>:
    [QUOTE]He told other girls he was single.  That means he can not only picture his life without you in it, he's making plans as if that's the case.  At the very least, I would postpone the wedding.  I think you should prayerfully consider a postponement. Me personally, I probably would have ended it outright, but I'm not at all tolerant when it comes to things like that.
    Posted by sessionswedding[/QUOTE]

    I agree with all of this.

    OP - since you're asking people on the internet if you made the wrong choice in agreeing to move forward with the wedding I'm assuming you know in your gut what you really want to do. Yes, walking away now would hurt...but it would hurt a lot more to be years into a marriage that is based on lies and discover that he has been cheating (and also consider that you're putting yourself at risk for STD's and STI's in the meantime because you don't actually know what he has or hasn't done). Yes, people can make honest mistakes - dialing a wrong number, missing an appointment by accident, etc... Texting other girls, telling them he's single and making plans to meet up with them is NOT an honest mistake. You don't know if he did or didn't meet up with these girls or how long the texting has been going on for.  I don't think his behaviour isn't going to stop. I think the ship your relationship was on has sailed and it's time to let it go.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I'm really sorry to hear this.  I agree with everyone else that postponing is a good idea.  I know it would feel humiliating given how close your wedding is, but you would feel worse if things turned out for the worst in marriage and you have to divorce.  It takes a lot of courage, but taking a break is a  very important thing at this time. 
  • Honestly I would postpone.  Yes it's embarrassing but I would rather be embarrassed once than spend a lifetime wishing you had been.  Go to counseling, both of you.  I would also thinking about going separately too.  He seems to be making the right steps but I wouldn't marry him until you trust him again, otherwise you will make yourself miserable looking for something that may or may not be there.  Is there an older woman in your church you can talk to that might be able to give you some guidance in this issue?  GL, I hope he will truly change and that you guys have a happy marriage. 

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_curious-to-know-what-you-all-think-i-should-have-done?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:83821c29-19ef-4393-93b6-851a4d2eeaa8Post:c8963c83-bde6-4872-957e-dd4877647504">curious to know what you all think i should have done</a>:
    [QUOTE]A few weeks ago I went to work with a really bad headache so I left and went to my fiance's house to nap while he and his family were at work (i asked them if that was ok).  while in his room i saw that his old cell phone was on.  he stopped using it becuase his work gave him one to use for personal and business.  <strong>i did a bad thing and snooped through his phone becuase i'm nosy</strong>.  i came across texts between him and other girls that had been sent recently...basically, he was saying he was single and plans were made to meet up with some of the girls.  i was devestated!<strong> upon further snooping </strong>in his room i came across a self pleasure device and was devestated.  i text him that he we need to talk so he came home for lunch.  i flat out asked if he was seeing girls behind my back and asked him to explain the messages.  he said he wasnt seeing anyone and nver met up with them.  <strong>he didn't know why he even started to talk to them and promised he wasn't cheating on me.</strong>  i cried a lot and he just sat there stunned.  then i asked about that other thing and he said his friends gave it to him as joke becuase they know he is a virgin. he said he will cancel his phone that day and throw that thing away. <strong>he asked me if i wanted to call off our wedding and i said no</strong>. i believe what he said to me but my best friend wasn't sure he was honest and that he might do something again. i also asked him if he wants to marry me. i told him that means he is with me and only me for the rest of his life.  he knows it will take me a while to trust him again. <strong>i couldn't bear to be without him</strong> and i'm not ready to give up that easy. we talked things over and decided we are both 100% committed to this relationship and marriage. and we still want to get married and have a life together.  i don't know why he felt the need to seek an ego boost from other girls but ic an't help think i must not have been doing somethign right...i told him to tell me if he ever isn;t happy and what i can do to make it better.  i love him so much and i know he loves me. should i have cancelled our wedding and called things off? should i have post poned it? did i do the right thing? we are done talking about it becuase we both want to put it behind us and just move forward.
    Posted by christinavy[/QUOTE]

    I am concerned about several things in this post.
    See the bolded parts.
    1. I am concerned that you are snooping through his phone and room. It seems to me that you have a trust issue with guys, in general. Counseling and prayer can help this.
    2. I am concerned that he asked you if you wanted to call off the wedding. Why did he assume this? Is he scared or nervous about getting married? If he is doing this now, what else will he do? You call it an ego boost, but I call it infideltity. I have watched this happen to H's parents and it is devastating.
    3. I am concered about his sex toy and his buddies giving it to him. Are you certain that he is a virgin and that his friends were just being silly? I don't think you need to interogate anyone for your own sanity. This is a trust thing. If it was just a silly toy, why hasn't he gotten rid of it? Just curious.
    4. You say you couldn't be without him, but I know you could. There is only one man you could never be without and that's the Lord Jesus.

    Overall, I think you have some great concerns and good points. PP's have also brought up some things that you may want to look into.
    Postponing the wedding to get couple's couseling and pre-marital counseling is very beneficial. Also, personal couseling for both of you will both help. I am in couseling and H is going to start as soon as his school schedule isn't nuts.
    If this happened to me, I would post pone the wedding until further notice and work and focus on my relationship.
    Have open discussions and pray for translucency for both of you. Also, pray together. I know it's scary if you don't do it now, but its great when you do it. :)

    First Look
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • edited September 2012
    I know it's hard, but I would suggest post poning, too. I think there's something to the fact that you were checking his phone in the first place. Do you do this all of the time or had he been acting in a way that you knew something was up? It makes me think that maybe you didn't trust him before you found out about the texts. Maybe my F and I have a different relationship, but I trust him completely and I wouldn't look through his phone. We have both talked about it and know that it would be freely offered if either of us wanted to look, but I have no desire to even look because I know I wouldn't find anything. You have to trust your spouse.

    IMO your situation doesn't qualify as a simple "mistake." As some other posters have mentioned, he was saying that you were not in the picture at all and actually setting up plans to meet up with other GIRLS - not A GIRL. This makes me think that he may have a problem committing to one girl. Just because his reaction when you confronted him was to cancel the phone, doesn't mean he's sincere. Honestly, it seems to me that from your post that it was one-sided. You told him how it was going to be instead of him telling you how sorry he was. You said that he just sat there stunned (I guess that you found him out). I know it's hard to know exactly what happened from a little paragraph of text so I apologize if I misinterpret anything, but the whole thing doesn't set well. If he truly loved you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you and only you, he wouldn't even think about another woman or look at them in that way. He wouldn't put himself in a compromising position with any woman - let alone set up plans to meet with more than one girl. 

    If I remember correctly from others posts that you have written, you are both young. This type of behavior sounds like a very immature guy (to me) who is not ready to commit to one woman and I'm afraid that you will be in for a lot of heart ache if you marry him now. 
    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_curious-to-know-what-you-all-think-i-should-have-done?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:83821c29-19ef-4393-93b6-851a4d2eeaa8Post:2727bb7a-2949-46fe-aee3-9230c7ecc07d">Re: curious to know what you all think i should have done</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you two should talk about it in premarital counseling.  While the texts weren't exactly appropriate, his response when you asked him about them seems honest, and it doesn't sound like he tried to deny anything.  We all make mistakes in relationships, some bigger than others, but what I think is really important is being truthful about it and asking for forgiveness.  He put himself in a bad situation, but it does sound like he realizes his mistake and truly wants to marry YOU, not be involved with other girls.  I'm not trying to say people can do whatever they want and get away with it by saying "sorry."  By offering to cancel the phone he's demonstrating that he understand what he did was wrong and wants to honor you by changing his behavior.
    Posted by ochemjenn[/QUOTE]
    I agree with Ochemjenn.  This doesn't mean it's over, but he needs to go to counselling and/or sex addiction treatment and you guys need to go to counselling together.  It's serious but not insurmountable.

  • How soon is the wedding ? Counseling yes is a must. He got rid of the phone but have you checked or thought to look at his friends list on facebook ....Is it possible he is using another device to talk to them through...

    If he says he is single to another girl thats a major red flag that he isnt ready.

    If you take him to counseling and talk it all out and maybe then decided that counseling will be contining after the marriage ? Those things would send a red flag up to a pastor.

    I agree with the statement about living without him. How long have you been together ? And why did you look at his phone ...Did you have an idea something might be there ?

    He needs to prove that he is trust worthy and really wants to get married ...

    And if his friends really did give him the toy I'd lay down a few rules for a bachlor party if I were you ...
    Love is All You Need
  • I agree with everything the previous posters said.. but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry you are going through this. Also, don't feel like you can't postpone or cancel just because you are embarassed or because you are scared about possibly starting over when things were going the way you wanted. Because you'd rather start over now then down the road when you are married or with kids and you find out he's not happy and is talking to other women- because that could be a huge possibility. If he's doing that now- and you aren't even married yet- it could just get worse as time goes on and you hit that getting into a married, slightly boring, routine. I would just definitely postpone and do some counseling and pray about it! Also- sometimes listening to friends is a good idea because they can see things that sometimes we just don't want to see.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Personally, I would've postponed. 

    I'm so sorry.

    imageUntitled my read shelf:
    Faith (FaithCaitlin)'s book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • So I rarely write on the knot anymore but used to be on here quite often (some of the ladies that have been here for awhile may remember my screen name). Anyway, I felt the need to comment on this. I was engaged and ended up calling off my wedding this past January. A similar situation was going on in my relationship... I won't get into all the details because it's about you, not me. But I know how heartbreaking it is to find out someone is not who you thought they were and scary it is to think about starting over. I originally considering postponing and then realized I needed to cancel it and end the relationship. I'm not saying this is what you should do at all because you need to do what is right and healthy for you. But I can personally say that I am so GLAD that I did. It was hard at first to start over but I focused on myself, my work, and had a wonderful support network of friends and family. Lean on your friends and family and talk to them! I can happily say that now I am in a new relationship with a man who respects me, loves me, listens to me, etc. Our relationship is everything that I had hoped for and deserve. And you deserve that too! Good luck!
  • Getting in late here:

    as one who has been lied to over and over (and right to my face) the only advice I have for your is to seek counsel. If he does not want to go along then post-pone the wedding. It is not worth the tears, heart-ache, and distrust to be in a marriage with somebody who does not respect or care about your feelings or your relationship.

    PM me if you need more advice
    image Anniversary
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards