Thoughts

Re: Thoughts

• brittany634 member

  

  December 2012

  I tried, he never responded.

  

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• mandi195

  

  December 2012 edited December 2012

  I feel your pain. My father and I have a strained relationship, at best. When I was married years ago he came, but left before the father/daughter dance, etc, because he was "stressed"... He missed my brother's graduation from boot camp, departure to Afghanistan (where he served for a year in the Army), return from Afghanistan, graduation from the Fire Academy, and numerous holidays over the years.
  Fast-forward to this past weekend, I graduated from college, which to me is a huge, once in a lifetime event. My father was invited. Promised he'd be there, and called a week before to tell me he couldn't be there. A part of me was crushed for about 5 minutes, and then I let it go.
  After all of the years of him dropping the ball, not being there, choosing his "lifestyle" over his children, etc, I've finally gotten to a point where I realize that I'm not the one missing out. I've had an incredible life, have a great family, and he is the one missing out on the amazingness of his childrens lives.
  It's not an easy place to get to, but when you do realize that you are no less happy, no less excited, and your days are no less meaningful due to his absense, it'll get easier. Now I enjoy every milestone that life throws my way, always extend the invitation to my father, and if he makes it, great; if not, too bad for him.
  I hope you're able to find that place someday. It's not easy. It still hurts when my father isn't there and he should be; but it's fleeting, as I realize that the event/day/etc is amazing with or with out him, and he's the one missing out, not me.

  Praying for a miracle!

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• Ro041 member

  

  December 2012

  I can empathize with where you are coming from.  My father and I recently began talking after my parents divorced when I was really young and he disappeared.  My father is not currently on the guest list because my sister (who I love dearly) does not want him at the wedding, since she is still upset that he spent the better part of 25 years not reaching out to us.  She has not had contact with him, but said she would be ok if he was invited.  I have chosen not to invite him.

  
  

  But, I am stuggling with guilt over this decision.  To date, I have met him once, spoken on the phone with him 6 times (maybe) and texted back and forth on major holidays.  I have come to the conclusion that it would be too awkward to have him at the wedding.  I am still trying to get to know him (he's basically a stranger still) and I want to be surrounded by people we love.

  
  

  Please don't feel guilty about your decision.  You made the best decision that you could!  It's hard to remember that our parents also have to deal with the consequences of their actions as well.  

  
  

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• Ro041 member

  

  December 2012 edited December 2012

  Your post saying you tried to invite him came up as I was writing my response.  That makes it much harder.  All the same, you don't have to feel guilty about how his grown-up decisions affect him.  

  
  

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• brittany634 member

  

  December 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_thoughts-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:3344098d-b4ed-406c-b6d3-c80c0f48263aPost:f440e05a-dcfc-4477-bb50-775286b6abc3">Re: Thoughts</a>:
  [QUOTE]I feel your pain. My father and I have a strained relationship, at best. When I was married years ago he came, but left before the father/daughter dance, etc, because he was "stressed"... He missed my brother's graduation from boot camp, departure to Afghanistan (where he served for a year in the Army), return from Afghanistan, graduation from the Fire Academy, and numerous holidays over the years. Fast-forward to this past weekend, I graduated from college, which to me is a huge, once in a lifetime event. My father was invited. Promised he'd be there, and called a week before to tell me he couldn't be there. A part of me was crushed for about 5 minutes, and then I let it go. After all of the years of him dropping the ball, not being there, choosing his "lifestyle" over his children, etc, I've finally gotten to a point where I realize that I'm not the one missing out. I've had an incredible life, have a great family, and he is the one missing out on the amazingness of his childrens lives. It's not an easy place to get to, but when you do realize that you are no less happy, no less excited, and your days are no less meaningful due to his absense, it'll get easier. Now I enjoy every milestone that life throws my way, always extend the invitation to my father, and if he makes it, great; if not, too bad for him. I hope you're able to find that place someday. It's not easy. It still hurts when my father isn't there and he should be; but it's fleeting, as I realize that the event/day/etc is amazing with or with out him, and he's the one missing out, not me.
  Posted by mandi195[/QUOTE]
  
  THIS
  
  He has a habbit of showing up to things drunk as well, my high school graduation, he showed up late, made a scene, and was drunk.

  

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• jennylee813 member

  

  December 2012

  Sorry Britt - it's never easy when a family member puts you through what you've been through. I agree with PPs - you've made the effort and he dropped the ball. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

  
  

  It is normal -  don't get me wrong - It's our natural instinct to want to please/impress our parents. But now you just need to keep looking forward and making your own new memories and traditions. Regret is a wasted emotion. 

  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  December 2012

  *hugs* I know how you feel. My father and I had a falling out a year ago. He is an alcoholic and drug addict and refused to take responsibility for his actions that affected his family. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was when he brought my younger brother along with him to visit his drug dealer. He has a lot of problems and needs help but he refuses to acknowledge that. He still tries to reach out to me with drunken voice messages. This past weekend he actually came by the house to leave an envelope full of money for my birthday. I'm using it to take my brother's GF shopping for Christmas. Your father is missing out on your life for whatever reasons. There's no need for you to feel guilty, it's him that's going to regret his decisions.

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• TiffanyT816

  

  December 2012

  That sucks, so sorry Brittany that you're going through this. I don't have a similar situation though I agree with PP...you did what you could to include him, I really don't think you should feel bad about it.

  

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