Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Just Engaged and Proposals
Just Engaged and Proposals
New Discussion
Options

Facing Unaccepting Parents :(

merie412merie412 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Just Engaged and Proposals
My fiance and I have been "unoffically" engaged for about a month now. (Meaning he had bought the ring, we started planning, but he was stilll waiting for the "perfect proposal") Wellllll he finally did it last night!!!
Now, however, comes the hard part. I am caucasian, and he is Indian. His parents, even after 6 years of dating each other, still do not accept the fact that we are together. They're polite to me, but have told him on numerous occasions they don't believe we're compatible or that I'm a good choice or what have you.
So we're going to talk to them tomorrow about everything that's going on, and our plans, and I'm REALLY REALLY nervous/scared. I've told him that I think that he should kind of talk to them before I'm there, but he thinks it'll be better with me there. I think it's going to be a mess either way quite honestly.
Has anyone had to deal with something like this? Cry I'm so afraid of what they're going to say...
Report Reply to Post

Re: Facing Unaccepting Parents :(

  • Options
    nannewmurnannewmur member
    First Comment
    I have not ever had this happen.  You mentioned they are Indian and I was wondering if they believe in arranged marriages and had already picked someone for your fiance?  Just a thought.   I would go over a game plan of the talk with your FI but you both need to understand it may be totally different.  I would let FI lead the discussion.   Are you familiar with their customs?  If so, are you willing to incorporate these customs in your lives after marriage?  If you do not know the customs and are going to incorporate, I would emphasize that you are excited to learn these customs and state you are hoping they will help you with this.  This may help break the cultural barrier.    Good luck!!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Aw - hugs to you, sweetie.  I've never been in this position, but I do understand what you are talking about. 

    I have to believe that if you both go in there happy, excited, and aware of their feelings, then things will eventually turn out okay.  Be as kind and respectful of them as you possibly can, but don't let them be overtly rude or upset in front of you.  If things turn in that direction, I'd let your fiance know that he has to set them straight by saying he's firm in his decision and you both are excited for the future.

    Good luck to you!

    Report Reply
  • Options
    kalpi108kalpi108
    First Comment
    That is really hard and unfortunate. I am Indian but have been raised by open, loving, and accepting parents. All they've ever asked is that I marry someone who I love, who loves me, and who will make me happy and vice versa. They are perfectly thrilled with my Korean-American fiance though they are sad to realize it's time for me to finally grow up. I was nervous about his mother, more about my not sharing their religion than our ethnicities being different, but she has been welcoming and loving as well. 

    My Indian friend's parents, however, have always imagined her marrying another Hindu Indian and in spite of her living in America her whole life, they've just kind of hoped that it would happen. She is now in a fast growing and happy relationship with a Hispanic man and it's very hard for her not to be completely open with her parents about it. At the same time, though, she feels that "dating" is something they cannot and are not yet willing to culturally understand but that once she announces a man as her fiance, they will grow accustomed to it and accept it, no matter what race he is. At the end of the day, they love her and want her to be happy but until a man is actually the one she is going to marry, they are uncomfortable with dealing with the whole thing and continue to hope it will work out with an Indian man. Perhaps now that you and your fiance will be visiting to announce your engagement and serious intention to spend your lives together as a married couple, they will approach you and the situation differently. They may never be as thrilled as you'd like and hope for, but until now, maybe they've been unable to grasp the concept of his dating you for so long and will start to open their minds once they realize you will be their daughter someday soon. Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part but if they love him and he loves you, they will have to come around.

    Best of luck to you all and congrats on your engagement!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    merie412merie412 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Thank you all for your encouragement. I've never been one to really be intimdated by people, or concern myself with their thoughts of me, but this situation is completely different. We're thinking that while they won't be thrilled to begin with, they'll slowly adapt to it and begin to accept it. That's what we're hoping at least :)
    Luckily his extended family is extremely welcoming and supportive, so we also hope that they will help in showing his parents that it's not a BIG deal.
    Ah well. We shall see. I have about two hours until judgement day :/
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Elle1036Elle1036 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Merie, come back and let us know how it went.  I hope his parents opened up a little.

    If they didn't, there's not much more that you can do except try not to take their attitudes personally.  They were raised differently, and probably always imagined a certain type of wife for their son.  I do think that, over time, they'll come around.  It just may take a looong while, but it'll happen.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    merie412merie412 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    So, he talked it over with one of his cousins before, and decided it'd be better if he spoke with them without me first, so they didn't feel quite so ambushed. So after his cousins graduation today, he told them in front of two of his aunts and a few cousins...
    Since I wasn't there, I don't know EVERYthing that happened, but I do know that they're NOT happy. His father told him just to leave, (we're talking about moving out at the end of the summer, not right now, so we do both live at home with our parents currently) I guess when he said that, FI said "fine, I'll start packing" now...other relatives convinced him to stay and talk it out. I guess they sat in silence for the remainder of the time they were at his aunts. :/
    On the way home, his mom asked if I was going to "follow their rules". Not really sure what that means, but FI took it as if we were going to do thier wedding ceremony. FI assured her that we were planning it, to which she replied, "Well can she afford both, because we shouldn't have to."
    Then when they were home, FI asked his father if he wanted to discuss anything, to which he replied, "what's there to discuss, you apparantly already made up your mind." And he hasnt spoken to him since.  :(

    At this point, I'm extremely frustrated and kind of angry, quite honestly. I've never been anything but polite (almost TOO nice to a certain point) to them. I don't want to brag on myself, but I'm very respectful, and have never been unpleasant to them whatsoever. I get them gifts on Mothers/Fathers day and everything. It all just seems so useless. Like nothing I do will ever be good enough for them at all. Cry
    I'm sorry to introduce myself to the boards like this! Thank you all for your kind words and advice and support! Hopefully with time, they'll come around...
    Report Reply
  • Options
    jaycee7389jaycee7389
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    *hugs* i hope it gets better, i couldn't imagine having unaccepting future in-laws!
    5/27/12
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    I'm so sorry that's happened.  You might want to check the cultural weddings board for tips and experiences of others.  There must be brides who have been in your shoes.  I feel for you.  Congrats on your engagement!!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    kalpi108kalpi108
    First Comment
    That is really a shame and while I'm sorry he had to deal with it alone, I'm glad you didn't have to be there for it. I honestly don't know what I'd do in his or your shoes (your situation makes me so grateful for my parents and my future mother-in-law). At this point, you've done all that you can do and if loving their son is culturally insensitive in their eyes, they are not only being unreasonable but unfair to not value you at least on the level that you obviously make him happy. Do not seek their approval, do not let them ruin the engagement. They've deserved your patience and understanding, which you've given, but you do not deserve their disrespect. Allow him to work out his relationship with his family, be supportive, and again hope they'll come around in time.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    liebescottliebescott
    First Comment
    I'd like to let you know you are not alone in this. My FI step mom is not thrilled either and not just because I'm not white..I also have a daughter. She still sends my FI links to dating websites. He has already had to cut ties with family due to his choosing me. In the end your guy has chosen you and wither they are willing or not to accept it HE has made his choise.
    My future in-laws arent even invited to our wedding. His opposing family overseas are not invited to that ceramony either.
    How you two choose to live your lives is not up to them. I tried the whole kill them with kindness thing, doesnt work..
    Honestly they may break when you have kids. But dont expect much to change.
    wishing you all the best
    :)
    Report Reply
  • Options
    achiduckachiduck member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    oh wow, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I was previously engaged and my FI's mother didn't really like me so when we announced the engagement it was somewhat unpleasant but definitely nothing like what you're going through. 

    I think all you can do is keep being nice to them and let them know you're willing to incorporate their traditions into the wedding (provided that you are) and focus on the fact that you're going to marry someone you love. Try not to think about it too much. 
    image
    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • Options
    breanessbreaness member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    Definitely check out the cultural weddings board as a previous poster said, that's probably the best place to get the support you're looking for right now. So sorry to hear you're going through this. I was dealing with a similar issue of not being accepted by my exboyfriend's family because I was caucasian and he was filipino. It ended up not being a big deal, since obviously we're not together anymore, so I never dealt with the disapproval to this extent, but I do know how much it hurts when they don't like you two being together.

    Best of luck and congratulations on your engagement.
    Wedding Bio
    Life and Love at #16 | our married life blog
    image
    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • Options
    merie412merie412 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Thank you all SO much for the support. I'm definitely going to check out the Cultural Boards as many of you have suggested.

    We're just taking this as we go, hoping they'll come around. So far today, they've spoken to him as if nothing happened. Which isn't necessarily a good thing, but it's not entirely bad either.

    Thanks everyone again for all the help and love :) It makes me feel better to know that I have this support system here to turn to!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    nannewmurnannewmur member
    First Comment
    Merie,

    I am so sorry that you are going through this!!  Have you met the cousins?  Do you think they might be able to help out with this?  My MIL was somewhat mean to me but it was b/c I was marrying her only son and only child.  And, she let me know in somewhat telling fashion that just b/c I married her son does not mean I am family.  She is ok now (we have only been married for 26 years!) but I am still somewhat treated as a girlfriend.  It is weird at times!!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    JeansDayDreamJeansDayDream member
    First Comment

    I am also facing recluctant future in-laws. I had a crush on my FI younger brother, and his parents can't understnad how I could switch from one to the other. They don't completely understand the process of my realizing that the youngest son wasn't interested in me and that we really aren't compatable. The other difference is that my FI pursued me instead of me pursing him. Anyway. The parents are really have a hard time accepting this. The father is starting to warm up a little, but the mother has been out of the country for the past couple months and comes back Sunday.

    I am nervous about seeing her knowing how upset she's been, but I can't wait to finally clear things up so that we ccan make our engagement public.

    I hope things get better for you, as in my case it will just take some time.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    merie412merie412 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I hope his cousins will be a support. So far they have been. Almost all of them have congratulated us and said they're very happy for us. So, we're hoping they'll help bring his parents around some. His mother has cousins who have married outside of Indians as well, and while they weren't necessarily accepted right away, they have become part of the family. So with a little time, and some coaxing from other relatives, we SHOULD get them to come around :)
    He'll be talking to his mother again tomorrow to see where they stand. Thus far, his mother and his father have carried on with life and are talking to him like nothing was ever said. :/
    The saga continues....
    LOL I just want to be HAPPY and be celebrating this part of our lives like most people can!
    Thanks again, ladies!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    littlebird34littlebird34
    First Comment
    So sorry you are going through this. We had a difficult time too because of our different religious backgrounds but through many discussions and an agreement to incorporate both religions into the ceremony (and avoidance of topics like what we will raise our children to be) his parents have finally come around.

    I did have a friend who married an Indian man a few years ago. She and I became friends after they were married and she went through many similar struggles you have mentioned. Also, after the wedding they actually moved to India and lived with his parents for a year. 

    The general issue tends to be that this is a very traditions- and symbols- rich culture which also is still very deferential to the older generations and parents who are the first to be "defied" struggle with this. Much of what you have described and my friend described is what my parents (mixed-religion marriage) went through in the 1970s. The families have not had to deal with this before and they are afraid of losing who they are as a family because of it. Learn about his culture and show his parents you are willing to learn - without giving up who you are or what is important to you of course! It will also be important for your kids that you know about their father's culture and heritage. As the child of a mixed marriage I can guarantee that is important to the kids. =D

    One last note - my friend who had so much struggle with her in-laws during the years of dating and marriage. Once the first grandchild was born she said it was like meeting a whole new set of in-laws. The birth of their little girl changed everyone's lives (for the better) and brought everyone closer together. Hang in there, stay respectful...remember why you love each other and it will all come out ok!
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards