Bridal Party Dilemma

jb&p2013 · July 2012

So I wasn't originally planning on having a wedding party, just for simplicity's sake. However, my fiance has said that he really wants 4 of his friends to be groomsmen. So I've agreed to try and round up four girls to be bridesmaids. My problem is this- I'm a total tomboy, I don't really have close girlfriends right now. All my friends from college have scattered about the country and we don't really stay in touch anymore. My ex-best friend and I parted ways almost a year ago and haven't spoken since. It was a long time coming, we no longer had similar interests, it was a dying friendship, it happens. Please don't try to convince me that I need to talk to her, etc. Not what I'm looking for or want to do. Anyway even girls that I've been socially acquainted with since college I haven't developed real friendships with, I've never felt like I've had much in common with them. I'm just not good being social with other women, I always feel awkward and do much better just hanging with the guys. However, over the past few months though I've been becoming acquainted with some really nice women who I feel I fit in with a lot better than all my old "friends". I wouldn't say that any of them are close friends yet though, but I could see friendships developing over the future. So how do I approach this whole bridesmaid thing... is it weird to ask people that I haven't known very long? My wedding won't be until April or May. Should I wait a few more months closer to the wedding and see what friendships I've developed then? I have two friends from childhood who I could potentially ask, but they both live across the country and while I know they want to come to my wedding, they may not be able to financially, and I won't be able to afford to help get them here either so I don't want to put them under any obligation. This whole not having a bunch of girl friends has never bothered me before but now I feel like kind of a loser...

My fiance is aware of my predicament, and would be willing to not have a wedding party to keep me happy, but I want him to have his friends be able to be up there with us. Oh and I'm going to ask his brother's girlfriend, I think she would be a good option. They will be engaged eventually, and the 4 of us often do things together. We get along well and I think if I invited her to help with preperations if she wanted to, it would provide some good bonding time since we all are going to be family. So really I just have 3 slots to fill.

anyway, any thoughts or suggests would be great

jb&p2013 · July 2012

Also, if I do have bridesmaids, I'd be letting them each pick out their own dresses, nothing formal or expensive, at most maybe just sticking to a color scheme, so they wouldn't have to spend a lot of money or time trying to find something. Whatever they wanted, simple spring dresses, whatever they already have even. I'd want to keep their expenses really low, and I'll be doing diy flowers.

aerinpegadrak · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-part-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:af808b0b-ba77-4e97-be7a-3f93d3b5e3acPost:da580e06-2a65-4b07-a76b-07d643afd484">Bridal Part Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]So I wasn't originally planning on having a wedding party, just for simplicity's sake. However, my fiance has said that he really wants 4 of his friends to be groomsmen. So I've agreed to try and round up four girls to be bridesmaids. My problem is this- I'm a total tomboy, I don't really have close girlfriends right now. All my friends from college have scattered about the country and we don't really stay in touch anymore. My ex-best friend and I parted ways almost a year ago and haven't spoken since. It was a long time coming, we no longer had similar interests, it was a dying friendship, it happens. Please don't try to convince me that I need to talk to her, etc. Not what I'm looking for or want to do. Anyway even girls that I've been socially acquainted with since college I haven't developed into real friendships, I've never felt like I've had much in common with them. I'm just not good being social with other women, I always feel awkward and do much better just hanging with the guys. However, over the past few months though I've been becoming acquainted with some really nice women who I feel I fit in with a lot better than all my old "friends". I wouldn't say that any of them are close friends yet though, but I could see friendships developing over the future. So how do I approach this whole bridesmaid thing... is it weird to ask people that I haven't known very long? My wedding won't be until April or May. Should I wait a few more months closer to the wedding and see what friendships I've developed then? I have two friends from childhood who I could potentially ask, but the both live across the country and while I know they want to come to my wedding, they may not be able to financially, and I won't be able to afford to help get them here either so I don't want to put them under any obligation. This whole not having a bunch of girl friends has never bothered me before but now I feel like kind of a loser... My fiance is aware of my predicament, and would be willing to not have a wedding party to keep me happy, but I want him to have his friends be able to be up there with us. Oh and I'm going to ask his brother's girlfriend, I think she would be a good option. They will be engaged eventually, and the 4 of us often do things together. We get along well and I think if I invited her to help with preperations if she wanted to, it would provide some good bonding time since we all are going to be family. So really I just have 3 slots to fill. anyway, any thoughts or suggests would be great
Posted by jb&p2013[/QUOTE]

Pleae don't think of it as slots to fill, it's demeaning. Ask the people that you want to ask. If you don't have anyone you want to ask, you don't need to, and your FI can still have whomever he wants on his side. Uneven sides are fine. If you really want these other girlfriends, ask them and let them make the decision whether or not they can do it. If there are any guys you'd like to have up there with you, you can ask them to stand on your side as well.

jb&p2013 · July 2012

I'm pretty ocd in terms of symmetry in certain things..and my wedding party would be one of those. I'm still on the fence about groomsmen. I kidded about it to my guy friends one night.."I'll just have you guys do it" and one of their responses was "isn't that a little gay". So he is obviously a no if thats going to be his attitude. And the others made it pretty clear that while they would do it if I wanted them to, they would rather I find some cute girls to do it. Our guest list is pretty heavily stacked with single men, and almost no single ladies haha. I do have girls that I would like to ask, and honestly it would mean a lot to me if they would like to do it. I just don't know if its weird to approach people that I don't have a "besties" relationship with. What would you all consider an appropriate time before the wedding to have asked anyone I'm considering by?

aerinpegadrak · July 2012

Usually you don't need to start dress shopping until 6-8 months out, so that's the appropriate time to ask.

I'd be careful throwing around the term OCD unless you've actually been diagnosed, though. It's a real disease and a lot of people find it offensive to use it when you just prefer symmetry.

jb&p2013 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-part-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:af808b0b-ba77-4e97-be7a-3f93d3b5e3acPost:300fb65e-d617-4ca8-82d5-24518bd7792d">Re: Bridal Party Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]Usually you don't need to start dress shopping until 6-8 months out, so that's the appropriate time to ask. I'd be careful throwing around the term OCD unless you've actually been diagnosed, though. It's a real disease and a lot of people find it offensive to use it when you just prefer symmetry.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE

Yes, I have actually been diagnosed with OCD. Multiple forms if you must know. And you have offended me.

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-part-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:af808b0b-ba77-4e97-be7a-3f93d3b5e3acPost:e0963b65-1f4c-446e-8439-accb48675603">Re: Bridal Party Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal Party Dilemma : [QUOTE]Usually you don't need to start dress shopping until 6-8 months out, so that's the appropriate time to ask. I'd be careful throwing around the term OCD unless you've actually been diagnosed, though. It's a real disease and a lot of people find it offensive to use it when you just prefer symmetry. Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE Yes, I have actually been diagnosed with OCD. Multiple forms if you must know. And you have offended me.
Posted by jb&p2013[/QUOTE]

Why would this have offended you? I was one of those people who described myself as being "OCD" and never did it again after someone who has been diagnosed with it explained what it is really like and that it is insulting to have a diagnosis like this taken so lightly by others. Aerin's warning is one that most of us give on TK whenever someone says they have OCD (and I'd guess 95% of them do not, they are just too lazy to describe why they want something a certain way)

aerinpegadrak · July 2012

Usually people who've been diagnosed properly capitalize it and don't refer to it as being "I'm pretty ocd," which makes about as much sense as saying, "I'm very cancer." Hang around the boards for a while, and you'll see that using it incorrectly as a synonym for "anal-retentive" is much more common than actual sufferers, especially given those written cues (otherwise known as "the one and only thing we have to go by here").

I have a friend who has severe OCD and odd numbers are her main trigger, and even she's willing to consider uneven sides. She'll just talk herself into looking at it however she needs to (the officiant counts or doesn't count, the bride and groom count or don't count) so she doesn't have a panic attack, because that's how she copes with the issue when she encounters it anywhere else. So sorry, but I don't think that it's a free pass to treat people like props. No one wants to be a slot filler.

So if you don't have some kind of coping mechanism to keep all of the asymmetry in the world from causing you to melt down into a mass of panic attacks, you should probably look into a different therapist or course of treatment because that's no way to live. If asymmetry or odd numbers don't trigger panic attacks but just make you unhappy, well, suck it up. All of us had things about our weddings that we weren't entirely thrilled with, but they're usually not worth making a big deal over because the world isn't perfect, and because there are other people whose comfort and feelings matter on your wedding day, too.

AJG456 · July 2012

This is slightly on topic, and slightly not, but I've got to ask: am I the only one who might wonder a little bit if one person had 4 or 5 people on their side and the other didn't have any? I wouldn't dwell on it or anything, but I would be a bit confused. Uneven sides wouldn't phase me at all- 2 here, 4 there, 3 and 6, whatever. But there are questions like this where there could be 4 on one side and none on the other, or 12 on one side and 1 on the other, and that just seems like a bit much. I'm of course willing to reconsider if I'm approaching this the wrong way.

MyNameIsNot · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-part-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:af808b0b-ba77-4e97-be7a-3f93d3b5e3acPost:e0963b65-1f4c-446e-8439-accb48675603">Re: Bridal Party Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal Party Dilemma : [QUOTE]Usually you don't need to start dress shopping until 6-8 months out, so that's the appropriate time to ask. I'd be careful throwing around the term OCD unless you've actually been diagnosed, though. It's a real disease and a lot of people find it offensive to use it when you just prefer symmetry. Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE <strong>Yes, I have actually been diagnosed with OCD. Multiple forms if you must know. And you have offended me. </strong>
Posted by jb&p2013[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh please. No one that has actually been diagnosed with the disease says "I'm pretty OCD." They also wouldn't use it as an excuse to treat people like props. </div><div>
</div><div>Just quit while you are ahead.</div>

emilymader · July 2012

I'm having the same issue. I only have a couple of close female friends but my FI has, like, 4 or 5 guys he wants to be in his party. I'm cool with uneven sides because I would rather have uneven sides than ask someone just to fill spots. However, I'm very close to my older brother so I'm asking him to be one of my.....bridesmaids. He's very excited about it. If you want your male friends to be in your party, just ask them. It's not like they have to wear a dress.

aerinpegadrak · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-part-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:af808b0b-ba77-4e97-be7a-3f93d3b5e3acPost:71a13686-0916-456a-b350-d7a0af6582fa">Re: Bridal Party Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]This is slightly on topic, and slightly not, but I've got to ask: am I the only one who might wonder a little bit if one person had 4 or 5 people on their side and the other didn't have any? I wouldn't dwell on it or anything, but I would be a bit confused. Uneven sides wouldn't phase me at all- 2 here, 4 there, 3 and 6, whatever. But there are questions like this where there could be 4 on one side and none on the other, or 12 on one side and 1 on the other, and that just seems like a bit much. I'm of course willing to reconsider if I'm approaching this the wrong way.
Posted by AJG456[/QUOTE]

I might wonder a little bit, but it's not something that would really bother me or that would cross my mind for more than a moment. If a couple is really concerned about it looking too lopsided, there are ways to mitigate that, like having all of the attendants or all but the honor attendants seated for the ceremony, or focusing on poses other than the standard lineup for pictures.

emeejeeayen · July 2012

Just to jump in on the OCD thing; OCD isn't like cancer or HIV - there is no blood test. Therapy is more of an artform, and while the DSMIV is helpful in categorizing personality types and "disorders," it is not the end all be all of diagnosis. You could go to 5 therapists and get 5 different answers. The DSMIV exists primarily for insurance purposes as there has to be a "problem" and then a "solution" in order to bill properly. I'm not saying that people don't have legitimate issues and that there aren't legitimate solutions; I'm saying that most psychological disorders are on a spectrum from mild to severe, and I don't think it's any of our place to judge at which end of the spectrum something becomes an interference in one's life.

To the OP, I feel your pain with the wedding party. It feels lame to have it displayed for all your family that you have few friends, and while you wouldn't mind in day to day life, it's not something you'd like to bring attention to publicly. Is this a topic you could bring up casually with these new girl friends? Just sort of test the waters to see their reaction? Maybe just bring up the wedding in general and see if they get excited?

mbrischoux · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-part-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:af808b0b-ba77-4e97-be7a-3f93d3b5e3acPost:1f49df37-b03e-418f-8c6c-45c523f7c825">Re: Bridal Party Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]Usually people who've been diagnosed properly capitalize it and<strong> don't refer to it as being "I'm pretty ocd," which makes about as much sense as saying, "I'm very cancer." </strong> Hang around the boards for a while, and you'll see that using it incorrectly as a synonym for "anal-retentive" is much more common than actual sufferers, especially given those written cues (otherwise known as "the one and only thing we have to go by here"). I have a friend who has severe OCD and odd numbers are her main trigger, and even she's willing to consider uneven sides. She'll just talk herself into looking at it however she needs to (the officiant counts or doesn't count, the bride and groom count or don't count) so she doesn't have a panic attack, because that's how she copes with the issue when she encounters it anywhere else. So sorry, but I don't think that it's a free pass to treat people like props. No one wants to be a slot filler. So if you don't have some kind of coping mechanism to keep all of the asymmetry in the world from causing you to melt down into a mass of panic attacks, you should probably look into a different therapist or course of treatment because that's no way to live. If asymmetry or odd numbers don't trigger panic attacks but just make you unhappy, well, suck it up. All of us had things about our weddings that we weren't entirely thrilled with, but they're usually not worth making a big deal over because the world isn't perfect, and because there are other people whose comfort and feelings matter on your wedding day, too.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR THIS!!!! I actually used this example when discussing why the word "retarded" is offensive. The unfortunate case is that most people, when they use terms like OCD and retarded, are using them as derrogatory terms, not as terms referring to actual diagnoses. It infuriates me, but I'm glad that someone shares my witty comeback for it;-)

OP, I wouldn't see this as a need to fill slots in. Choose (or don't choose, up to you!) people who you want standing up there and being with you on your wedding day. If you choose people just to fill in slots, you're running the risk of really regretting it (especially since they'll be in pictures! I know people who did this and grumble every time they see wedding party pictures..."Wow, I really can't stand her. Why'd I ask her to be in the wedding again?")

jb&p2013 · July 2012

Many of you here seem to think you know everything. You also are a very judgemental lot that likes to give "advice" where it isn't warranted nor asked for. Let me tell you how I see it. I used the phrase "i'm pretty ocd" because for me it has become a mechanism to casually point out something that is inhibiting without making a big deal out of it and having to declare "I have OCD" to complete strangers, when it really isn't their business anyway. I like to think of myself as more than my disorder. I have it, I deal with it, sometimes its maddeningly inhibitive and a major obstacle, most of the time I am able dismiss it as a quirk, just a funny part of me, but not all of me. I can even laugh at it (so no, i don't need a new therapist, thank you very much) This is a mechanism that arose out of habit, as before I was diagnosed I ran around using it, incorrectly and unknowingly, thinking I just had strange tendencies until the day I actually was diagnosed. Yes, people do use the phrase "I'm ocd about.." all the time, even if they don't actually have OCD. While I get that it can be offensive for some, for me it generally isn't unless its coming from someone who uses it for every little thing they are "preferential" about and knowingly do so in front of those that do have it. The reason that it doesn't offend me generally is because OCD is one of those things that modern medicine doesn't understand completely. There are a lot of people out there that exhibit OCD behavior, but go undiagnosed becaue their particular behavior patterns don't fall acurately enough into a currently medically defined box. If doctors can't say for 100% where the line is, then who are you to demand people present their OCD card if they reference it? I might also add that I'm not the only person with OCD that sees it this way, I've had this discussion with several people who have OCD. If we as group don't agree one way or another on the offensiveness of the issue, then YOU certainly are not an authority to declare what will or won't offend those with the disorder as a whole. While I appreciate your attempts to inform the public of incorrect and potentially offensive behavior on behalf of the OCD community, this is a resource and forum for those seeking wedding advice, you should keep your comments to the topic at hand. If you really feel the need to be the P.C. police, I suggest you take up with an actual group that deals with mental health and public information. You can take the to streets, fairs, etc, and inform people ALL you want. Or perhaps you'd like to make a donation to mental health research. Either of these options would be of more benefit and positive influence than your current efforts.

As to the comments about me having a panic attack if my wedding party is uneven... Did I say that's what would happen, or even that I wouldn't be able to handle it? No. I simply don't want to have my ocd nagging away at me when I look at my wedding pictures. I think I'm well within my rights there. It's a simple thing that I and my fiance have control over, so why not exert that control if possible. If you had any understanding of OCD you wouldn't dismiss such a thing with "get a better therapist and get a hold of yourself, this is the real world". Don't you think that if it were that simple, we'd have this whole OCD thing solved for everyone? Talk about demeaning.

I asked for advice on whether or not and how to approach new friends about something as meaningful as inclusion into the bridal party. For those of you that actually commented there, thank you. Mental notes and considerations made. Also, I apologize for refering to it as slots to fill. I don't honestly look at it that way, at least not entirely. It would mean the world to me if any of the girls I have in mind would be willing to stand up there with me, and not just for symmetry sake or to find "hook ups" for my guy friends (that comment was made in jest..like, haha, joke, relax) For me, it's more that actually having to think about picking bridesmaids has made me realize that I don't want to be the lone wolf or just hanging out with the guys all the time, I do want female companionship and it's time to start seeking it out. I like them a lot as people and I see potential long lasting friendships there, I'm just slow to warm up to other women. I only worried that it would be weird for them for me to approach them before those bonds had been fully made.

theponz512 · August 2012

Hmmmm thats a great question on how to approach them. I would probably just go with waiting until about 6 months before (so around the end of October, according to the date on your profile) and see where those friendships have gone. Maybe put in a little effort with the girls you are considering and see just what kind of friendships you actually have with them. After you have done that, just come out and ask them. Tell them you feel that you guys have gotten close and that it would mean the world if they would stand with you.

Good luck!

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